WHAT ARE LITTLE GIRLS MADE OF?

 

In more naïve times

When I was young

I was raised to think that

“What little girls were made of”

Was Sugar and spice

And all things nice

 

What an eye opener

When finally, you grow up

And you move in with one

Tampons, pantie liners

Feminine freshness

Lack of bladder control

Pre-Menstrual tension

Mood swings and flushes

These were secrets

Best kept that way

We’re constantly bombarded

With information we don’t want

Or need, in TV commercials

And in newspaper full page ads

Never inflicted on our dads

 

In times of more awareness

Now I am older

I now no better

“What little girls are made of”

Feminine itching

And moaning and bitching

WIND BREAKER

 

When women break wind

The smell isn’t offensive to noses

Their farts smell more, they claim

Of lavender or roses

THE PERFECT WOMAN

 

The perfect woman

Doesn’t fart

Like a trumpet sounding

But rather it is released

Like she’s gently sighing

 

The perfect woman

Doesn’t belch

Out the word Bulawayo

But rather releases it

Behind her hand delicately

 

The perfect woman

Doesn’t sweat

Or anything like as vulgar

If they overheat

The darlings just perspire

 

The perfect woman

Doesn’t swear

Only shit and maybe bloody

If they stub their toe

Its sod it or even buggeration

 

The perfect woman

Doesn’t exist

They fart and blame the cat

They belch and blame the food

They sweat and blame the change

They swear and blame the man

ASK MRS P

The Women who are

Seeking equality

With men are

Lacking ambition sadly

SEXUAL POLITICS # 1

Never argue with a woman

Is a rule that’s tried and tested

Never argue with a woman

When she's tired or even rested

EYE CANDY

 

If you are the type of woman

Who abhors being ogled by men

Then just remember this adage

When your next ogled by men

It’s far better to be looked over

Than overlooked - so think again

MASCARA

Why can't women

Has anyone ever supposed?

Put on mascara

With their mouth closed?

A WOMAN'S LOT

 Whatever women want to do

They must do twice as well as men

To be thought only half as good

It’s lucky that’s not difficult then

THE WAY TO A MANS HEART

 

The quickest way to a man's heart

Isn’t through his stomach for a start

Those old wive’s tales are not facts

Go through his chest, with a big axe.

WOMEN ARE NOT MOODY

 

Women are not moody

Not a bit of it

It’s just they have days

When, let’s face it

They are not prepared

To put up with the shit

ON THE OTHER FOOT

 

Now a shoe is without any doubt male

The reason for this I will now detail

Men are usually unpolished like a shoe

And with their tongues hanging out too

KIDNEYS

Kidneys are obviously females I’d say

And the simple reason is this way

Because, and this is a trait of theirs

They always go to the loo in pairs

THEY’RE PANTS

 

No woman would wear

Ski pants I dare say

If they could see themselves

Walking away

IT’S THAT TIME AGAIN

 

I have often read about

Many women complaining

About that strange

Premenstrual Syndrome thing

Not my wife though

Not that I’ve heard anyway

It’s the only time of month

She can be herself she’d say

WELL THAT’S THE RUB

 

Why do women, just as a new day is dawning?

Rub their eyes when they get up in the morning

It’s because they have nothing worth scratching

TWO LOVELY BLACK EYES

 

When George arrived at work on Monday morning

Both of his eyes are blacked to his friend’s surprise

His friend looked at him in disbelief and then asked

“George how the hell did you get two black eyes?”

“It was as I was walking up some steps yesterday

And in front of me was a pretty girl, if a little stout

And I noticed her dress was tucked in her knickers”

“Well,” He said, “I just reached up and pulled it out.”

“Well, that explains one black eye, but how on earth 

Did you get the other one?” He asked with a grin

George said, “Well I assumed she wanted it that way

So, I reached up with my finger and poked it back in.”

THE MALE ROLL

 

How many men does it take?

To change the toilet, roll today

Nobody knows the answer 

Because it never happens anyway

BLINKING WOMEN

 

Women never ever blink

During foreplay I don’t think

And the reason and rhyme

Is that they don't have time

SMART MEN

 

Men are at their smartest

During sex to be serious

And the reason for this is

They’re plugged into a genius!

AD MEN

 Just as it is with commercials

    Men are the very same way

For you can't believe a word

    That either of them say