TRAFFIC COP – SERIOUS BUMMER

 

Sometimes you can talk

Your way out of a ticket

A little bit of charm

Is probably the safest bet

Humour can work as well

But avoid the obvious bummer

By not asking the cop

If he is dumb or dumber

TRAFFIC COP – AVOIDING THE OBVIOUS

 

Sometimes you can talk

Your way out of a ticket

A little bit of charm

Is probably the safest bet

Humour can work but

When talking to the constabulary

Avoid reminding them

Exactly who pays their salary

TRAFFIC COP – DO YOU KNOW?

 

“Do you know why I pulled you over?”

The cop asked me like a typical fuzz

“No officer I don’t, I hope you do, 

I think it’s important that one of us does”

TRAFFIC COP – I’M SORRY PUTZ

 

When the police caught me speeding

My eyes were strained and blinking

I was pulled over by a putz

 

Who said “Your eyes look red,

Have you been drinking?”

So, with no ifs or buts

 

“Your eyes look glazed”

I responded without thinking

“Have you been eating doughnuts?”

TRAFFIC COP – DON’T BE TOO CLEVER

Sometimes you can talk

Your way out of a ticket

A little bit of charm

Is probably the safest bet

Humour can work as well

Don’t say to the men in blue

“That's great the last cop

Only gave me a warning too” 

TRAFFIC COP – DON’T BE TOO FUNNY

 

Sometimes you can talk

Your way out of a ticket

A little bit of charm

Is probably the safest bet

Humour can work as well

So, say to the men in blue

“You don’t need to check

In the boot, do you?”

TRAFFIC COP – STOPPED FOR SPEEDING

 

When a cop stopped me for speeding

They fined me one hundred pounds

“I was only trying to keep up with traffic”

But the traffic officer stood his ground

Then he looked at me and responded

“But there are no other cars around”

“I know” I said “I was doing a hundred

And I was still losing ground

TRAFFIC COP – AVOID ANY REFERENCE

Sometimes you can talk

Your way out of a ticket

A little bit of charm

Is probably the safest bet

Humour can work as well

Providing you’re careful

And avoid any reference

To the Village People

 

TRAFFIC COP – I’M SORRY OFFICER

 “I have to book you” the Officer said

“In the hope that you won’t do it again sir”

“No it won’t happen again” I said

“As I won’t forget to plug in my radar detector”

TRAFFIC COP – I’M SORRY

 

“I’m sorry” the Officer said

“That I have to give you a ticket sir”

“I’m sorry too” I said “That I forgot

To plug in my radar detector”

SPEEDING TICKET

 

Bimbette was stopped for speeding

When asked to produce her license

She launched into a tirade of abuse

“This doesn’t make any bloody sense”

When the officer calmed her down

He asked Bimbette to explain

“Well you only took it away yesterday

And now you want to see it again”

TRAFFIC COP – HOLD IT

When the police pulled me over

The reason wasn’t exactly clear

It could have been the speeding

That caused the police to appear

Or running several red lights

Or my complete inability to steer

Any of the above would have done it

Of that I am perfectly clear

But what I said to the officer

Was what really swung it I fear

“I can easily reach my license

If you would hold my beer” 

RACING THROUGH ON THE GREEN

 

Racing through on the green

Breaking hard on the red

Foot dallying on the amber

Before belting across instead

A SMALL PRANG

 

I had a crash with another car

It was my fault, Granted

And the “little man” got out

And God how he ranted

“I’m not happy” he shouted

“I’m not happy” he said again

I just and smiled and said

“Which one are you then?”

I HAVE AN ANGEL ON MY DASHBOARD

 

I have an Angel on my dashboard

She’s my special lucky charm

I have an angel on my dashboard

Who’s keeping me from harm

ON THE TITANIC

The most popular drink on the Titanic

Was not served with a lemon slice

Nor with an olive or a soda splash

It was simply served with lots of ice 

ON THE CONCORDIA

 

The most popular drink on the Concordia

As it was approaching the docks

You might be surprised to know

Was served on the rocks

CRASH PROCEDURE

 

As the 747 was falling

Uncontrollably from the sky

A female passenger ripped off her clothes

And began to cry

“Can someone make me feel like a real woman?

Before I die”?

A man stood up and took off his shirt

“Here iron this,” said the guy

FAST CARS

 

Cars keep getting faster and faster

Hurtling from disaster to disaster

We should slow them down again

To the speed of the driver’s brain

JANE AND I

 

“I’ve been to Wales with Jane”

I was told by my friend

“Then tomorrow Jane and I

Are going to Lands End”

“And I will probably take Jane

To London at the weekend”

I didn’t like to shatter his illusions

But I had to in the end

“Jane is the voice on your SatNav

She’s not a proper girlfriend”