PEDANTIC WIFE

 

My wife said if I don’t stop

Being pedantic

I’ll have less friends

I turned to her and said

“That’s not true,

I will have fewer friends”

MY WIFE’S BIRTHDAY TOY

 

It was my wife’s birthday

So, I bought a sex toy for her

I don’t think it’s her fave

But it’s definitely up there

WHEN MY WIFE REACHED FORTY

 

When my wife reached forty

Despite all the happy memories

I was left with no alternative

But to change her for two twenties

MY WIFE ACCUSED ME

 

My wife accused me

Of being the immature sort

I wasn’t very happy

So I said “get out of my fort”

MARRIED WEIGHT ISSUES

 

When single women get home

They see what’s in the fridge

And then go to bed

However married women get home

See what’s in the bed

And goes to the fridge instead

MY WIFE HAS NAMED OUR KITCHEN APPLIANCES

 

My wife has named our kitchen appliances

She’s lost her mind and it’s seriously scary

Our fridge has been named “Fridget Jones”

And milk and cheese are Fridget Jones's Dairy

SHE WAS NINETY THREE YEARS OLD

 

She was ninety three years old

While he was only ninety one

Not a cross word, but they were

Both deaf when said and done

MY BEST FRIEND ASKED ABOUT MY MARRIAGE

 

My best friend asked about my marriage

And how things were going there

I said I hadn’t spoken to her for three weeks

As I didn't want to interrupt her

ON THE JOURNEY THROUGH MARRIAGE

 

On the journey through marriage

There is inevitably a little strife

But I would say as a general rule

“A happy wife means a happy life”

ACURATELY DEFINING BIGAMY

 

Having one wife too many

Accurately defines bigamy

But having said that, in my case

So does monogamy

WHEN I WAS INTRODUCED TO MY HUSBAND

 

When I was introduced to my husband

I was told he was very well-to-do

Or so I thought, but I clearly misheard 

The truth was he had some welding to do

MY LOVE LIFE AT HOME IS VERY APT

 

My love life at home is very apt

Considering the Ice Dancer I am

As we begin with the compulsories

Followed by the short program

ALTHOUGH MY WIFE AND I ARE AGING

 

Although my wife and I are aging

We still enjoy ourselves in bed

It’s not a hot and sweaty pleasure

Because now we read instead

MY WIFE WAS INVITED TO GO

 

My wife was invited to go

On a girls' night out recently

The invite said “dress to kill”

So, she went as Myra Hindley

THE FIRST TIME I MET MY WIFE

The first time I met my wife,

I didn’t know if it was love

But I knew she was a keeper

As she wore massive gloves 

I HAVE BEEN HAPPILY MARRIED

 

I have been happily married

For five years to my wife Terri

Unfortunately we’ve just celebrated

Our golden anniversary

MY WIFE WANTED TO GO AND SEE THE CURE

 

My wife wanted to go and see the Cure

And was surprised at my apprehension

Wondering why I didn’t want to see the Cure

I said I’d rather see the Prevention

I STILL FERVENTLY BELIEVE IN SAME SEX MARRIAGE

 

I still fervently believe in same sex marriage

Because there has been a disparity for gay people

Which in the 21st century is totally unacceptable

They deserve to be as miserable as straight people

I'VE BEEN MARRIED FOR 10 YEARS

 

I've been married for 10 years,

And mostly it’s been heaven

It’s not all plain sailing as I

Haven’t made a decision for seven

MY WIFE TOLD ME OVER BREAKFAST

 

My wife told me over breakfast

That sex was better on holiday

It took me completely by surprise

As the postcard only arrived that day