POLYGAMY

I was stunned when I was accused of Polygamy

It made me drop the bags I was holding

But then I was relieved to find it meant bigamy

And not as I thought the art of parrot-folding 

IN AN OPEN RELATIONSHIP

 

My ex-wife and I were in an open relationship

At least I believed it was an open relationship

Until that fateful day of the solicitors meeting

When she stunned me and called it cheating

MY FRIEND GOT A PERSONAL TRAINER

 

My friend got a personal trainer

And trained with him for a while

Starting a year before his wedding

So, I questioned the length of the aisle

MY WIFE AND I ARE BOTH

 

My wife and I are both

In our late 50s for sure

I’m fast approaching 59

And she’s just turned 64

A MAN DIALLED 999

 

A man dialled 999 and said

“I’m pretty sure my wife is dead”

The operator asked him calmly

“Why aren’t you certain she’s dead?”

“Well the ironing hasn’t been done,

But she’s still the same in bed”

CERTIFICATION SMALL PRINT

 Kate asked, “What are you doing?” 

And her husband replied “Nothing” 

“But you’ve been studying our

Marriage certificate for an hour”

He said “Well to be honest Kate

I was looking for the expiration date”

DINNER MENU

 

“Do you want dinner?”

Mavis asked her husband Joe

“Lovely! What are my choices?”   

She replied “Yes or no”      

MARRIAGE DATE NIGHT

 

When he got home one night,

His wife began to shout

That she wasn’t cooking dinner

And demanded he take her out

But to somewhere expensive

So, he agreed after some hesitation

And she repeated it had to be expensive

So, he took her to a petrol station

WHO WANTS TO BE A MILLIONAIRE LOVER

 

William and Claire were watching

“Who wants to be a Millionaire?”

Which was while they were in bed

And during the ads he said to her

“Do you want sex?” and she said “No,”

So, he asked “Is that your final answer?”

“Yes” she replied without looking at him  

“Then I'd like to phone a friend Claire”

MARITAL RELATIONS

 

A post argument couple

Drove down a country lane

For quite a few miles,

Choosing not to speak again

Until they drove past a farm

When he said, “Relatives of yours?”

Referring to the pigs in a field

“Oh yes,” she replied, “in-laws”

MARITAL HONESTY

 

“It's just too hot to wear clothes today so I

Think I’ll cut the lawn naked, honey?”

She replied “Ok, if you don’t mind the neighbour’s

Thinking I married you for your money”

MARITAL SURFING

A wife sat down on the couch

Next to her husband

As he was flipping channels

With the remote in hand

She asked, “What's on TV?”

He replied “Dust mainly”

ANNIVERSARY PLAN

 “Where do you want to go for our anniversary?”

A husband asked his wife as it was that time again

“Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!” she said.

So with a smile he suggested, “How about the kitchen?”

PERFECT CREATION

 

A man said to his wife one day, in the heat of an argument,

“How can you be stupid and beautiful in equal measure?” 

“God made me beautiful, so you would be attracted to me, and

He made me stupid, so you would be someone I’d treasure”

MARITAL FORTUNES

“Would you have married me if

My father hadn't left me a fortune?”

A newly married man asked his wife,

While they were on honeymoon

She replied sweetly “I'd have married you,

No matter who left you a fortune!”   

SHARING BURDENS

She said “When we get married,

I want to share all your worries,

Troubles and lighten your burden”

“But I don’t have any burden”

He pointed out “or worries, pet”

She said “no, but we aren't married yet”

MARITAL EXPECTATION

 

My wife kept hinting about the gift

She wanted for our anniversary

She said, “I want something shiny

That goes from 0 to 150

In about 3 seconds will do me”

And this was repeated in detail

As the anniversary neared

So, he bought her a bathroom scale

MY WIFE WANTED BREAST AUGMENTATION

 

My wife wanted breast augmentation

Because she was completely flat

And I wanted to get an Eagle Tattoo

So, we negotiated, kind of, Tit for Tat

IT WAS A SPECIAL TIME WHEN WE WED

 

It was a special time when we wed

In front of family, friend and peers

We found it a very emotional day

Even the Wedding cake was in tiers

LAST NIGHT I UPDATED

 

Last night I updated

My social media profile

But my wife didn’t

Like my picture style

In fact she said I looked

Like a paedophile