ARE YOU WEARING DUNGAREES?

 

Are you wearing dungarees?

I think they are really nice

You should wear them more often

That would be my advice

Because I can strip you down

To your Knicks in a trice

THE GIRL IN THE PEONY RED

 

I noticed her immediately

As I entered the bar

The girl in the Peony red

And playing about her lips

There was an acquiescent smile

Which was aimed my way

But I didn’t return it

And let it pass me by

She wasn’t my type after all

I’m quite fussy that way

But I did cast a glance

In the general direction

Of the eager entourage of  

Drooling men surrounding her

Feeding off her raw sexuality

And as I watched the mermaid

Surrounded by a pack of sharks

I realized that I had misread

The smile she sent my way

It wasn’t my company she sought

But my help she desired

She looked like a movie starlet

Cornered by the paparazzi

So, I rescued the damsel

And since that day

We have been best friends

I AM BY NO MEANS PERFECT, BUT

 

I am by no means perfect, but my wife

Has a particularly dirty habit

Which she won’t like me mentioning

As it involves a rampant rabbit

ARE YOU WEARING A NIGHTGOWN?

 

Are you wearing a nightgown?

A subtle shade of light brown

You look sad in your nightgown

You even have a slight frown

Let me grab your nightgown

A subtle shade of light brown

And pull it quickly right down

And I’ll remove that slight frown

ARE YOU WEARING CRUSHED VELVET?

 

Are you wearing crushed velvet?

Our curtains are a similar shade of anisette

I would like to be amidst the folds of velvet

Could I have a peak beneath the pelmet?

IT’S A SURE SIGN YOU HAVE LOST # 2

 

It’s a sure sign you have lost

Your sex appeal for certain

When your gynaecologist

Won’t examine you in person

MY BROTHER HAS A WANDERING EYE

 

My brother has a wandering eye

He’s been that way since birth

Not surprisingly I suppose

He now lives in Letchworth

IT’S A SURE SIGN YOU HAVE LOST # 1

 

It’s a sure sign you have lost

Your sex appeal for certain

When the local peeping tom

Chooses to close your curtain

THE TEMPERATURE OF SEX

 

An old man was at the doctors

“I have a question you may think silly

Well after my wife and I have sex,

I'm usually cold and chilly

But then, after the second time

I'm usually hot and sweaty"

The doc replied “Well that is strange

Let’s discuss it with Betty”

The doctor repeated the tale

And she replied with disgust

"The first time is in January

And the second is in August"

ARE YOU WEARING A HALLOWEEN JUMPER?

 

Are you wearing a Halloween Jumper?

Well, its contents are rather bumper

The skeleton motive I should mention

Is not needed to attract my attention

THE MAN GOES ON TOP AND THE WOMAN UNDERNEATH

 

“The man goes on top and the woman underneath”

That was my sex education as my mother said

So, as we were very naïve back then, so for the first

Three years of marriage we slept in bunk beds

ARE YOU WEARING A HALLOWEEN SWEATER?

Are you wearing a Halloween sweater?

It’s a bit cute and pretty in my view

So, if you don’t mind my saying so

You’re not a proper witch, are you?

I’M DATING A SKINNY PAIR OF TWINS

 

I’m dating a pair of skinny twins

They’re little more than skin and bone

And they are anorexic, it’s rather like

A case of two birds and one stone

HAVE YOU HAD AN ACCIDENT?

 

Have you had an accident?

That you have not recovered from

And has changed your life?

Well next time use a condom

ARE YOU WEARING HANDCUFFS?

 

Are you wearing handcuffs?

What have you been arrested for?

You saw a dress in the shop window

And it was cheaper than before

So, you decided to try it on

And that’s what you’ve been arrested for?

Trying on a dress in the shop window?

You tried it on in the window of the store

THE GIRL WAS PIGEON CHESTED

 

The girl was pigeon chested

Which wasn't obvious to begin

But once I got her bra off

Both her nipples pointed in

ARE YOU WEARING WINTER UNDERWEAR?

 

Are you wearing winter underwear?

I’m thinking as you stand there

Are you clad in body formers?

Proper cozy winter warmers

Substantial Bloomers for outdoors

A sturdy pair of winter drawers

I may never know for sure

But with my thoughts impure

I’m content as you stand there

In your cozy winter underwear

ARE YOU WEARING A CROSS?

 

Are you wearing a cross?

So, are you a regular church goer then?

No, I really don’t think it counts

Having sex in the cemetery now and again

ARE YOU WEARING A RUBBER?

 

Are you wearing a rubber?

That’s jumping the gun in my opinion

What do you mean you’re not wearing one?

Well, I’ll tell you, now bare back is not an option

Oh, you’re not wearing one at the moment

So, you have some kind of skin condition

ARE YOU WEARING A PROPHYLACTIC?

 

Are you wearing a prophylactic?

What do you mean “what’s one of them”

Bloody hell, are you really that thick

A rubber? A frenchie? A Johnny? A condom?

It’s a contraceptive sheath, just put it on

So, I don’t get knocked up by a moron