MY FATHER HAS SUFFERED

 

My father has suffered

A long series of seizures recently

So far, he’s lost his cars, house,

Yacht and a Villa on Capri

MY BROTHER DOES NEIGHBOURHOOD WATCH

 

My older brother does neighbourhood watch

In his street and adjoining roads around there

But he’s not keeping the neighbourhood safe

He’s just by nature something of a voyeur

LAW IS LIKE THE FAMILY BUSINESS

 

Law is like the family business

And that includes my Niece

She is a Corrections Officer

With the Grammar Police

YESTERDAY MY HOUSE WAS BURGLED

 

Yesterday my house was burgled

And today I feel really crappy

They stole my anti-depressants

Well, I just hope they are happy

A NEW PRISONER SAYS TO A FELLOW NEW ARRIVAL

 

A new Prisoner says to a fellow new arrival

“I’m in for 10 years, how long are you in for?”

“15 years” The other man replies “So as you

Get our first you'd can have the bed near the door

MY UNCLE IS A PART TIME HITMAN

 

My uncle is a part time hitman

Who in accordance with his wife’s wishes

Also works as a janitor at the aquarium

Where he sweeps with the fishes

THERE ARE AN EVIL GROUP OF MEN

 

There are an evil group of men

Who abide in shadows darkly

And control all the world’s cheese

They are known as the hallouminati

MY BEST FRIEND COMES FROM A LONG LINE

 

My best friend comes from a long line

Of kleptomaniacs but he is the laziest of them

In fact he’s so lazy he could win an award

You really do have to hand it to him...

I WAS IN SOUTH LONDON

 

I was in south London

And this bloke I met

Said he would attack me,

If I didn’t make a bet,

With the neck of a guitar,

So, I said ‘Is that a fret?’

TONY THE TIGER IS DEAD

 

Tony the Tiger is dead

And the news is a bit of a chiller

He has been murdered

And Police suspect a cereal killer

A MAN DIALLED 999

 

A man dialled 999 and said

“I’m pretty sure my wife is dead”

The operator asked him calmly

“Why aren’t you certain she’s dead?”

“Well the ironing hasn’t been done,

But she’s still the same in bed”

TWOC

 

A Mexican friend of mine

Was really cross

After his car was stolen,

Poor poor Carlos

HE WANDERED THE STREETS

He wandered the streets

Clothed in tattered rags

And shod in scruffy boots

That didn’t keep out the rain

So he turned to crime

To fill his hollow belly

And then Victorian justice

Clothed him in a ball and chain

THE RSPCA WERE CALLED

 

The RSPCA were called to an emergency

But unfortunately they didn’t arrive in time

The animal was dead in the Xerox machine

It was reported to police as a copycat crime

I THOUGHT HE WAS SHOT IN THE FOREST

 

I thought he was shot in the forest

But I was wrong, and the reason

Was a simple misunderstanding

He was shot in the Lumbar region

A 16 YEAR OLD LAD

 

A 16 year old lad asked the barmaid for a drink

“I can’t sell you booze to quench your thirst”

She replied “Do you want to get me in trouble”

The lad smiled and said “Can I have a beer first”

LAST YEAR I WENT ON HOLIDAY TO AUSTRALIA

 

Last year I went on holiday to Australia

And was asked by an immigration bore

“Do you have any criminal convictions?”

I said “I didn’t think I needed one anymore”

ARE YOU WEARING SPIVS GARB?

Are you wearing spivs garb?

You are doubtless here to chisel

Hawking your counterfeit goods

Doubtless all sausage and no sizzle 

AN ELDERLY FEMALE DRIVER WAS SEEN BY POLICE

An elderly female driver was seen by police

Driving on the motorway very dangerously

She was knitting a jumper while at the wheel

The police told her to Pullover immediately 

I THINK THAT THEIR NAME IS AN MISNOMER

 

I think that their name is an misnomer

If the Borrowers never return anything.

In fact I would go as far to say they’re

Little more than a criminal enterprise ring