Just Plain Mucky

SEX IN SUBURBIA

Somewhere across this land
In house’s gable ended
Some frisky young frau’s
Are being table ended

TUP THAT

One of the most fulfilling moments
Is when I’m behind you tupping
And I reach beneath you
Until your breasts, I’m cupping

This is such an awesome pleasure
It always makes my spine tingle
And there I continue to hold you
Until the moment our juices mingle

SEX AID

My wife and I use Vaseline,
I’m not ashamed to say
My wife and I use it for sex
I’m not embarrassed to say
We put it on the door knob
To keep the kids at bay

A CAR FULL OF TOTTIE

A car full of tottie
Each one a hottie
A Chevy of cuties
A bevy of beauties
Some a bit haughty
Some a bit naughty
Honeys that razzled
Babes that bedazzled
But still I blew it
Deep down I knew it
I knew that I’d do it
Only I could do it
From a Chevy of cuties
A bevy of beauties
I dropped a clanger
And pulled the old banger

AMPUTEE

She said “What happened to you?
“You’ve been in the wars a bit”
“I accidently cut my finger off” He told her
She asked “The whole finger was it?”
“No as a matter of fact” he replied
“It was the one next to it”

JOE AND MABEL

Joe offered Mabel a drink and said
“You remind me of my little toe”
She giggled a bit and replied
“Because I’m small and cute Joe?”
She giggled again and he laughed
Then he replied “No it’s not that Mabel
It’s because I’ll probably end up
Banging you on the coffee table”

DON’T LEAVE HOME WITHOUT THEM

I recently saw an email
With photos of celebrity types
Getting out of sports cars
Showing off their tripe’s
Now not wearing panties
And showing off your ass
Isn’t very cultured
And is really lacking class

Variety Is The Spice Of Life

WHAT GREATER COMPLIMENT

What greater compliment
Could be bestowed
On any man
Than to say of him
At the end of his life
“He was faithful and true,
And discharged, with fidelity
Every trust
Confided to his keeping”
I would settle for that

WHAT GREATER EPITAPH

What greater epitaph
Could be written
Of any man
Than to say of him
At the end of his life
“While upon his death
He has left no
Large earthy riches,
To his afflicted family
But he has bequeathed
To them a legacy
More precious than gold
More imperishable
Then monumental brass,
A spotless name”

NOT A FOREIGN INVADER

Not a foreign invader
But an alien being
Inside me
Living, breathing
Growing stronger
Day by day
While I weakened
And in its strength
Is the knowledge
That it will not survive me
Cannot outlive me
Yet it is content
To kill me
Knowing it will end itself

OPEN YOUR ARMS TO CHANGE

Open your arms to change,
With open mind embrace the new
Open your heart to new possibilities
But to your values remain true

YOU DO NOT SUFFER FROM FALSE MODESTY

You do not suffer from false modesty
That is clear for even the blind to see
But if ever there was a truth that mattered
Its, don’t interrupt when you’re being flattered

I’M A LITTLE DESPOT

I’m a little despot
Short and stout
Hear my people
Scream and shout

I say jump
They ask how high
If they don’t
Then they die

I am the chosen
But not by them
I am the chosen
I tell them when

I’m a little despot
So they say
See my people
Wake up one day

ARE YOU WEARING? # 5

ARE YOU WEARING BAGGY TROUSERS?

Are you wearing baggy trousers?
For any particular reason
They aren’t the height of fashion
They’re not even last season
You think they look “cool”
Whereas they look simply shoddy
I don’t know why you wear them
Unless you have a baggy body

ARE YOU WEARING PERFUME?

Are you wearing perfume?
I can smell it in this room
It’s a very seductive brew
Are you sure its not you?
Then the answer is clear
And your brother has I fear
With out our consent Suzy
Been entertaining a floozy

ARE YOU WEARING PRIMARK PANTS?

Are you wearing Primark pants?
Don’t you think that a little drastic?
You don’t want, on you wedding day
To be let down by cheap elastic

ARE YOU WEARING FLIP FLOPS?

Are you wearing flip flops?
I can’t believe you don’t know
But the garden is under
About four feet of snow

ARE YOU WEARING A THONG?

Are you wearing a thong?
No there’s nothing wrong
It’s just that they do so
Make you look like a sumo

ARE YOU WEARING A NURSE’S OUTFIT?

Are you wearing a nurse’s outfit?
Does it come with all the kit?
The starched apron and the hat
The black stockings and all that
Oh what a feast before my eyes
Come and feel my pulse rate rise
Only you can now tangibly
Cure this poor patient’s malady

ARE YOU WEARING A MOUSTACHE?

Are you wearing a moustache?
And is that a shaving rash?
Well I’m really sorry Ash
But I think I have to dash

ARE YOU WEARING A FRENCH MAID’S OUTFIT?

Are you wearing a French maid’s outfit?
Does it come with all the kit?
The little apron and the hat
The black stockings and all that
With all the coyness you can muster
Reach up with your feather duster
On tip toes reach up high
So I can glimpse a bit of thigh
Then come back down to earth
And get to work for all your worth

ARE YOU WEARING A BEARD?

Are you wearing a beard?
Wow that’s really weird
With the way you walk
And on the phone when we talk
Well that has me in a whirl
I thought you were a girl

ARE YOU WEARING FALSE NAILS?

Are you wearing false nails?
Is there really any point?
After all you will just
Bite them down to the joint

Spiritual # 1

A GOOD TIME GIRL

If it’s a fallen angel you require
If it’s a good time girl you desire
Then any bar will fill your need
Pick any club and you’ll succeed
But if it’s for an angel you search
Then you should try the Church
You’ll find in any neighbourhood
A girl who uses her time for good

WE LIVE IN A CYNICAL WORLD

We live in a cynical world
So why should we believe
We think our politicians
Are programmed to deceive
We distrust anyone wearing
Their heart on their sleeve
So is it any wonder that
On the whole we disbelieve
Now doubtless you will tag me
As impossibly naive
But for me it is impossible
For me to ever conceive
Of a universe where God
Is absent from the weave

WHEN LOVE FILLS THE HEART

When love fills the heart
Until it overflows
There is but one thing to-do
As everyone knows
And that is to share it out
With friends and foes

Relationships # 1

I DON’T TRUST A MAN

“I don’t trust a man”
(Normally that says it all)
That goes for most of them
“But I don’t trust a man”
Who doesn't close his eyes
When I kiss him”

MAIL CALL

I spoke into the envelope
Saying “I really love you Gail”
Then I sealed the envelope
And posted my voice mail

ALPHABETICALLY DESCRIBED

After fifty years of married life
And after being prompted by his wife
A husband set out to describe her
And this was what he said of her

"You're A, B, C, D, E, F,
G, H, I, J, K, L." He said sweetly
“And what does that mean?”
She asked suspiciously

"Adorable, Beautiful,
Cuddly, Delightful,
Elegant, Fragrant,
Generous, Heaven-sent.”

"Oh, that's so lovely
What about I, J, K and L?"
"I'm Just Kidding Love!" He laughed
And she made his eye swell

THE FINAL RECKONING

As she sat by his bedside
As his life ebbed away
His eyes filled with tears
And she heard him quietly say

“All through the bad times
You’ve been with me
When I lost my job
You were there to support me
When the business went under
You stood by me
When we lost the house
You stood beside me
When my health started failing
You were still beside me

“Do you know something love?”
“What darling?” she said thru the tears
“I've come to the conclusion
You’re a Jonah dear”

WOULD YOU MARRY AGAIN?

A wife asked her husband
“Would you marry again? If I died?"
"No, I would definitely not"
The husband lied

Good I wouldn’t want you
To get another spouse
Or have another woman
Living in my house

Or using my golf clubs
At the club on ladies day
“Well” he said “don’t worry
She’s left-handed anyway."

I WAS EXPLAINING REINCARNATION

I was explaining reincarnation to my wife
And how you return as a different form of life
She said she wanted to come back as a cow
She obviously misunderstood some how

I DON’T DESERVE SOMEONE

I don’t deserve someone
Thoughtful, warm and caring
I don’t deserve someone
Loving and understanding
I don’t deserve someone
Affectionate and true
I don’t deserve any of that
Which is why I’m stuck with you

WHEN YOU DIE - WIFE

“When you die”
I told my wife,
“Extinguishing
All signs of life”

Writ on granite
To survive the weather
“Here lies my wife
As cold as ever”

WHEN YOU DIE - HUSBAND

“When you die”
Said my wife,
“Extinguishing
All signs of life”

Writ on a plaque
Of shinning brass
“Here lies my husband
Stiff at last”

DOCTOR HUSBAND

The doctor and his wife
Were having a fight
At the breakfast table.
But before he took flight
From the tempestuous scene
These terrible words were said
In the heat of the moment
“And you’re no good in bed”
Later when he got home
She and another were in sexual union
“What are you doing?”
He yelled on the unhappy reunion
She replied calmly
“I was getting a second opinion!'

A Humourous Selection # 1

A SOLEMN UNDERTAKING

When drivers choose to undertake
A risky manoeuvre is undertaken
But what they risk undertaking
Is an appointment with an undertaker

IF PASTA AND ANTI PASTA

If pasta and anti pasta
Came together
On one platter
Would it lead to disaster?


SHAMPOO MODUS

Bimbette was in the bathroom
And Clair shouted up to her
“You can use my shampoo
If you want to wash your hair”
And Bimbette shouted back
“Thanks but I can’t use it Clair,
It says it’s only for dry hair
And mine is wet to be fair”

BREAKFAST FOR MAISIE

This morning, mewing loudly
The cat greeted me
She clearly wanted her breakfast
So I gave her mewsly

GREEN BELT

Planning regulations only apply
It seems, to the ordinary people
The rank and file
Those without power or influence
Or the means to fill brown envelopes
Because to Politicians and developers
The only green they understand
Is cold hard cash
And they think that the green belt
Is just an inferior grade in Judo

FLY TRAP

When you’ve been to the loo
And you’ve done what you must do
You give a little tap, tap, tap
To shake the drips of the old chap
But as you try to zip him back in
You catch a little bit of skin
Which really hurts your old chap
When he’s caught in the penis fly trap

MATURE CONVERSATION

My wife of many years
Thinks that I’m immature
Why she has the opinion
I confess that I’m not really sure

She thinks we need to sit down
And talk the problem through
I think it’s a load of tosh
To be perfectly honest with you

But in the interest of peace I agreed
Though I don’t see the reason
But I told her I couldn’t do it
Until after the conker season

THE NIGHT BUS

After a night out at the pub
I drunk until I could drink no more
And in a disorderly way
I made my way out of the door
But being the worse for ware
I hadn’t walked very far
When I came to the conclusion
I was too drunk to drive the car
So I decided to take the bus
And I arrived safely at my door
Which was truly amazing
As I’d never driven a bus before

END OF THE LINE

My mate was so depressed
In fact he was suicidal
But he wasn’t dynamic
In fact he was bloody idle

So I took care of him
As a true friend never quits
I pushed him under a train
He was chuffed to bits

WHEN STEVE JOINED BOB AND JOHNNY

Steve Jobs has gone to glory,
He’s joined Bob Hope and Johnny Cash.
Now the familiar story is
No Jobs, no Hope and no Cash.

ARE YOU WEARING? # 4

ARE YOU WEARING A BAGGY SWEATER?

Are you wearing a baggy sweater?
For a particular reason maybe
You haven’t suddenly become a frump
So you must be having a baby

ARE YOU WEARING BEIGE?

Are you wearing beige?
For one reason or another
But please don’t be telling me
That it’s your favourite colour

ARE YOU WEARING MUSK?

Are you wearing musk?
Well someone is me thinks
And I know that it’s not me
But God it really stinks

ARE YOU WEARING FALSIES?

Are you wearing falsies?
How disappointing is that
I thought you were well proportioned
But your chest is really flat
I thought you were a catch
But I was wrong about that
I thought I was getting mackerel
But I ended up with sprat

ARE YOU WEARING FISHNET TIGHTS?

Are you wearing fishnet tights?
That’s not a bad catch, I’ll bet
There’s a sight worth seeing
When you bend over Jeanette
That must be like the moment
The football hits the back of the net

ARE YOU WEARING A SCOWL?

Are you wearing a scowl?
Or is it your irritable bowel
No it’s an irritable scowl
Because I left my wet towel

ARE YOU WEARING LIPSTICK?

Are you wearing lipstick?
Well to avoid looking like a dipstick
You might want to adjust it a bit
Maybe you could tone it down
Before you go off to town
You don’t want to look like a clown

ARE YOU WEARING A FROWN?

Are you wearing a frown?
Is something getting you down?
It’s something I’ve done?
A broken rule? What another one?
Oh now what is that look about?
I’ve done it now, no doubt
Now your arms are folded
I’m about to get scolded
No I don’t have a clue
What I’ve done to upset you
If you don’t tell me I’ll never guess
The reason for your distress
So spit it out nice and plain
To avoid having to say it again
Ok so the reason for the frown
Is I didn’t put the loo seat down

ARE YOU WEARING MAKE UP?

Are you wearing make up?
You don’t usually wear a scrap
Well you look prettier than ever
Are you going to meet a chap?
You’re not meeting a beau?
What no one has set their cap?
But there is someone you like
Someone you’d like to entrap
Well whoever he might be
He is definitely a lucky chap
Too be caught by one as lovely as you
In sweet loves tender trap
My you have a glint in your eye
Why are you climbing on my lap?
What are you doing to my ear?
Should we just slow down perhaps
It’s hard to concentrate when you do that
So please let me just recap
Am I right in assuming by your behaviour?
That I’m the lucky chap

ARE YOU WEARING RUNNING CLOTHES?

Are you wearing running clothes?
What on earth are you thinking?
You are in no shape for running
What have you been drinking?
I wasn’t born yesterday you know
You’ve had more than a tipple
You’ll be sorry I can tell you
When you end up with jogger’s nipple

The Love Selection # 1

STRAWBERRY HEADED MAIDEN FAIR

All I can do is stand and stare
At the strawberry headed maiden fair
The girl with the shinning blonde hair
Oh beautiful maiden standing there
With tresses of reddish-blonde hair
Please be the answer to my prayer

ARE YOU THE ONE?

I'd like to give you the special key
That unlocks my forbidding heart
But I must be sure you are the one
I must know that before we start
Or the secret of the golden key
I would be unable to impart

I KNOW I PROMISED NOT TO CALL HER

I know I promised not to call her
But I just had to speak to Joyce
She smiled when she picked up the phone
I could hear it clearly in her voice
And how I needed to hear that sweet sound
A sound to make angels rejoice
And when she spoke my name
I knew I’d made the right choice

WE HAVE THE MOST PERFECT LOVE

We have the most perfect love
We fit together like a hand in glove
Because our love for each other
Is greater than our need for each other

FOR EVERY LITTLE THING ABOUT YOU

For every little thing about you
Every way you’ve showed you cared
For all the happy laughter
And all the happy times we’ve shared

For always being there
And being the essential part of my life
For just being with me
And for agreeing to become my wife

FOR EVERYTHING THAT YOU ARE

For everything that you are
And for everything that you do
For all of this and so much more
With all my heart I thank you

MY HEART IS SO FULL OF LOVE

My heart is so full of love
Yet my words alone can't say,
They simply fail to express
What I wish to convey

I am just like an infant
Mumbling the snips and bytes
Of unformed language
To incoherently recite

I am like a foreign visitor
Trying to translate into English
Trying to formulate phrases
Instead translating into gibberish

My heart is so full of love
So why can I not just say
That I love you darling
Why is it so hard to convey

LOVE THRILLS

Hedonistic thrill seekers
Adrenalin junkies
One and all
Cannot surpass the thrill
You get from love
When you completely fall

And for pure danger
Nothing is more injurious
More painful to befit
Than when you’ve succumbed
And you are in love
And you then fall out of it

MY LIFE RUNS FAST AWAY

My life runs fast away
Like sand in an hourglass,
And with each grain of sand
Goes a moment in of my lifetime
Each moment is an empty one
Not spent with you
The moments are fast running out
As the grains of sand move on
And still I wait to meet you

ACCEPT ME PLEASE

Accept me please
Accept all of me
Every flaw and blemish
Every quirk and foible
For if love is as you say
Truly unconditional
You should accept me as I am

Soldiering

IT WAS THE LOWLY SOLDIER

It was the lowly soldier
Not the journalist
Who won their right
To freedom of the press

It was the lowly soldier,
Not the lofty poet,
Who won for them
Freedom of speech

It was the lowly soldier
Not the politicians
Who secure for all of us
The peace

IT’S THE SIMPLE SOLDIER

It’s the simple soldier
Who serves the flag
It’s the simple soldier
Who salutes the flag
It’s the simple soldier
Who fights beneath that flag
It’s the simple soldier
Who dies beneath that flag
And it’s the simple soldier
Carried shoulder high
In a coffin draped by the flag

WHY IS IT THAT THE FLAG?

Why is it that the flag?
Means more to those who fight for it
Than it does to the people
Who sent them to fight for it

WHY IS IT THAT THE NATIONS FLAG?

Why is it that the nations flag?
Appears to mean much more
To the soldiers who fight for it
Than the people they’re fighting for

GOD AND THE SOLDIERS

We look to God and the soldiers
Mostly during times of war
But when peace again descends
They are both forgotten like before

A Family Selection

WHO LOVES US?

Who loves us without condition?
Who loves us in their admonition?
Who loves us despite the dirt?
Who do we go to when we’re hurt?
Who shares in all our joys?
Who buys us the best toys?
Who keeps us warm and fed?
Who would prefer a puppy instead?
Who cheers us up when we’re sad?
Who else but mum and dad

THE GREATEST FRIEND I EVER HAD

The greatest friend I ever had,
Since I was still just a little lad
To this very day is my Dad

LOOK AFTER HER

Look after her
While you still have her
For there will be no other
So cherish her
And appreciate her
For no one can replace your Mother

WHEN CHILDREN LEAVE THE FAMILY HOME

When children leave the family home
No matter where the children roam
Despite the passing of the years
Its mum they want to wipe away the tears
When the world slaps them in the face
They head straight to that one special place
Where the door is always open wide
Where they know they can safely abide
Safely ensconced in that special place
That is a mother’s warm embrace

OH DEAR PARENTS

Oh dear parents
Let us tell you that we do
Appreciate how lucky
We are to have you two
You’ve told us often enough
To give us a clue

So dear parents
Its time for us to say
That we are grateful
In our own kind of way
Though we think your methods
Are a little passe

Now dear parents
Let us tell you that we do
Without reservations
Love the two of you
But if you repeat this
We will deny that it’s true

NOT HERE

Now that mums not here
You try not to show you’re sad
But we know you miss her
And we know that you feel bad
But please don’t ever forget
That we all miss her too dad

ARE YOU WEARING? # 3

ARE YOU WEARING BOXING GLOVES?

Are you wearing boxing gloves?
Well as they say “if the cap fits”
I should say it’s not before time
And might curb your nocturnal habits

ARE YOU WEARING A SMILE?

Are you wearing a smile?
Because you know all the while
In your own inimitable style
That you are a commandophile

ARE YOU WEARING SURGICAL STOCKINGS?

Are you wearing surgical stockings?
I know that shouldn’t excite me
The thought of them turns me on
If that’s a problem you can bite me

ARE YOU WEARING A ROSE?

Are you wearing a rose?
Its subtle fragrance, heaven knows
So sweet smelling to the nose
That Rose pinned to your lapel
Does intoxicate me so well
And does hold me in its spell

ARE YOU WEARING CHANEL?

Are you wearing Chanel?
Why do you wear that smell?
At the chip shop when it was quite late
And I asked you out on a date
When you were standing frying fish
You fulfilled my perfect wish
I thought you would smell like that
Because I like the smell of chip fat

ARE YOU WEARING WIDOWS WEEDS?

Are you wearing widows’ weeds?
Well you still have a woman needs
And you’re still in your prime
You’ve waited a respectful time
After that event so fateful
So just lie back and be grateful

ARE YOU WEARING MOURNING CLOTHES?

Are you wearing mourning clothes?
Black really does look good on you
And I am very curious to know
If your underwear is black too

ARE YOU WEARING BOOTS?

Are you wearing boots?
It’s a little warm for that Betty
No they suit you very well indeed
But they make your calves sweaty

ARE YOU WEARING SCENT?

Are you wearing scent?
You don’t usually exude
Even when you’re going out
For a social interlude
If you are wearing scent
It means you’re going to get rude

ARE YOU WEARING SLIPPERS?

Are you wearing slippers?
Yes I do think they suit you
I just questioning their suitability
For a visit to the zoo

ARE YOU WEARING? # 2

ARE YOU WEARING SOMETHING OLD?

Are you wearing something old?
A family heirloom lovingly handed down
Something of great personal sentiment
Pinned to your beautiful wedding gown

ARE YOU WEARING SOMETHING NEW?

Are you wearing something new?
On your wedding day
Sorry that’s a silly question
What a thing to say
You’re an Essex girl
So daddy is going to pay

ARE YOU WEARING SOMETHING NAUGHTY?

Are you wearing something naughty?
I’m thinking it’s naughty but very nice
Beneath your beautiful wedding dress
Something to give the night a little spice
White of course to remain in keeping
A touch of the virginal with a hint of vice

ARE YOU WEARING SOMETHING BLUE?

Are you wearing something blue?
You know, something old, something new,
Something borrowed, something blue
Are you wearing something blue?
Its ok I didn’t mean to panic you
I think you’ll find a garter will normally do

ARE YOU WEARING SOMETHING BORROWED?

Are you wearing something borrowed?
As part of your beautiful wedding dress
Something loaned to you with love
Intended to bring luck and lovingly bless

ARE YOU WEARING SOMETHING SAUCY?

Are you wearing something saucy?
Beneath your beautiful wedding livery
Little more than lacy bits of string
That should render you all shivery
When on your wedding night you are
Unwrapped like a special delivery

ARE YOU WEARING SOMETHING?

Are you wearing something?
As you glide gracefully down the aisle
Having knowledge of you as I do
Wearing no underwear is more your style

ARE YOU WEARING SOMETHING SEXY?

Are you wearing something sexy?
As part of your beautiful wedding out fit
Are you all gartered or suspender-ed
Beneath your beautiful wedding kit
Powdered perfumed and splendour-ed
Are you buffed and waxed a bit
Beneath your beautiful wedding dress
Are you bronzed and toned and fit
Is there silk and lace and bows
I hope you’re wearing all the kit

ARE YOU WEARING AMERICAN PANTS?

Are you wearing American Pants?
I’m sorry I didn’t mean to scoff
But I’ve heard about American pants
Just one yank and their off

ARE YOU WEARING FAKE TAN?

Are you wearing fake tan?
Or have you been out in the sun
Either way I’m not really fussed
But seeing your white bits might be fun

PANCAKE DAY

TOSSING A PANCAKE

Tossing a pancake
I can do that
Just get a fry pan
Heat up the fat
Mix up the batter
As easy as that
One on the ceiling
One on the cat
One on the door
One on the mat
One on my head
Like a sweet sticky hat

TOSSING THE PANCAKE

Tossing the pancake
How hard could it be?
Well quite difficult
Which surprised me
What an awful mess
After the first three
I gave up after four
That landed on me

I THOUGHT I’D TRY TOSSING A PANCAKE

I thought I would try tossing a pancake
Well that turned out to be a big mistake
The first three didn’t leave the pan at all
The next two were sliding down the wall
The only one dispatched with any grace
Then splashed hot fat right in my face

PANCAKE DAY

For the world at large shrove Tuesday
Precedes Ash Wednesday
For my unfortunate family stove Tuesday
Precedes trash Wednesday

AT THE ANNUAL PANCAKE RACE

At the annual pancake race
The winner is always smug Trace
I’m always at the rear of the chase
Limping home in last place
Then I must congratulate Trace
And engage in a false embrace
When I really want to hear the base
Of the frying pan hitting her face

A QUESTION OF SPORT

A GAME OF ARRA’S

Me and some friends
Fancied a game of darts
I said, “Nearest the bull
To see who starts”
Johnny went “Woof”
And I went “Baah”
Then Danny went “Moo”
He was the closest by far

GOOD OLD FIFA

Good old FIFA
Are getting very fat
With a fee for this
And a fee for that

A GAME OF ALL FOURS

When she suggested
A game of all fours
I thought that meant
Getting into her drawers
But no I was wrong
Which is a shame
It turns out “all fours”
Is just a card game


ACED

My uncle sadly died at Wimbledon
He was a killed by a tennis ball
I wasn’t too sad at the funeral
It was a lovely service after all

ARE YOU WEARING PLUS FOURS?

Are you wearing plus fours?
Well they look just the job
The tweeds with argyle socks
But you do look like a nob

ARE YOU WEARING PLUS TWOS?

Are you wearing plus twos?
Well listen, here’s the bad news
It looks as though the plus twos
Have fallen out with your shoes

ARE YOU WEARING OLYMPIC SUITS?

Are you wearing Olympic suits?
Well you’re looking very smart
You’re Essex lads aren’t you?
I bet you can’t wait for it to start
You will show to the world at large
That you have good hearts
When you’re lighting the torches
Show us you possess some smarts
For I hope there is more to you
When the 2012 Olympiad starts
Than dropping your tailored trousers
And lighting up your farts

OK MY LITTLE SEX POODLE

“Ok my little sex poodle
Get up those stairs right now
Quickly get up those stairs
You horny little cow”

“Oh you sweet talker
You have the gift and how
I’m your spanky sex poodle
I’m your willing little frau”

“No I mean it get upstairs
You don’t have to kowtow
Just get upstairs without delay
The match is starting now”

THE BEST IN THE WORLD

I wont hear a word against our tennis players
It’s true that they certainly have their detractors
But I have always thought British players
Make truly world-class tennis commentators

SINCE THE BBC SACKED ALL THE DALEKS

SINCE THE BBC SACKED ALL THE DALEKS # 1

Since the BBC sacked all the Daleks
Most are just scrounging off the state
But there is one working at our salon
He doesn’t really communicate
And he scares a lot of the customers
When is says “Exfoliate, exfoliate”

SINCE THE BBC SACKED ALL THE DALEKS # 2

Since the BBC sacked all the Daleks
Most are just scrounging off the state
But there is one working at our uni
He doesn’t really communicate
And he scares a lot of the students
When is says “Extrapolate, Extrapolate”
SINCE THE BBC SACKED ALL THE DALEKS # 3

Since the BBC sacked all the Daleks
Most are just scrounging off the state
But there is one working at the Vatican
He doesn’t really communicate
And it scares a lot of the devout
When it says Excommunicate, Excommunicate

SINCE THE BBC SACKED ALL THE DALEKS # 4

Since the BBC sacked all the Daleks
Most are just scrounging off the state
But there is one working at the Old Bailey
He doesn’t really communicate
And it scares a lot of the Barristers
When it says Exonerate, Exonerate

SINCE THE BBC SACKED ALL THE DALEKS # 5

Since the BBC sacked all the Daleks
Most are just scrounging off the state
But there is one working at the Old Bailey
He doesn’t really communicate
And it scares a lot of the Barristers
When it says Extenuate, Extenuate

SINCE THE BBC SACKED ALL THE DALEKS # 6

Since the BBC sacked all the Daleks
Most are just scrounging off the state
But there is one working at the Uni
He doesn’t really communicate
And it scares a lot of the debaters
When it says Expostulate, Expostulate

SINCE THE BBC SACKED ALL THE DALEKS # 7

Since the BBC sacked all the Daleks
Most are just scrounging off the state
But there is one working at Tesco’s
He doesn’t really communicate
And it scares a lot of the shoppers
When it says Extortionate, Extortionate

SINCE THE BBC SACKED ALL THE DALEKS # 8

Since the BBC sacked all the Daleks
Most are just scrounging off the state
But there is one working at the theme park
He doesn’t really communicate
And it scares a lot of the visitors
When it says Exhilarate, Exhilarate

SINCE THE BBC SACKED ALL THE DALEKS # 9

Since the BBC sacked all the Daleks
Most are just scrounging off the state
But there is one working as a Miner
He doesn’t really communicate
And it scares a lot of the workers
When it says Excavate, Excavate


SINCE THE BBC SACKED ALL THE DALEKS # 10

Since the BBC sacked all the Daleks
Most are just scrounging off the state
But there is one working at the Hotel
He doesn’t really communicate
And it scares a lot of the Guests
When it says Remunerate, Remunerate

ARE YOU WEARING? # 1

ARE YOU WEARING LILY OF THE VALLEY?

Are you wearing
“Lily of the valley”?
It smells very much
Like you are Sally
So don’t deny it
I can tell that it’s true
“Lily of the valley”?
How old are you?

ARE YOU WEARING BODY PAINT?

Are you wearing body paint?
Don’t tell me that you aint
Now you’ve got me in a fluster
I can see its glorious lustre
What a sexy sight to savour
What? It’s chocolate flavour?
Don’t tease me now stop it
There’s only one thing can top it
I’ll tell you and no mistake
And that’s a Cadbury’s flake

ARE YOU WEARING A FLOWER?

Are you wearing a flower?
Pinned to your lapel
A Rose or a Carnation
So your date can easily tell
Who you are in the crowd
And you can see them as well

But if you cannot spot them
Stood beneath the tower
And you find yourself alone
Long after the allotted hour
Somewhere on the floor
Will be a discarded flower

ARE YOU WEARING A CARNATION?

Are you wearing a carnation?
To mark you out at the station
As you stand beneath the clock
In your best evening frock
Or do you keep it under your cloak
Until you get a look at the bloke
And if you don’t fancy him
Do you throw it in the bin?

ARE YOU WEARING UNDER CRACKERS?

Are you wearing under crackers?
To cover up your knackers
Is the boxer revolution
Your best underwear solution
Or do they dangle to and fro
As you walk about commando

ARE YOU WEARING A WEDDING RING?

Are you wearing a wedding ring?
Well never mind about that old thing
You’re only married, you haven’t died
Come on you know you want to inside
Don’t worry about the wedding ring
Come on have some fun let’s have a fling

ARE YOU WEARING AN ENGAGEMENT RING?

Are you wearing an engagement ring?
Oh isn’t it a beautifully sparkly thing
It clearly signifies as it sparkles in the light
That you haven’t yet married Mr Right
So even if the answer might well be no
It’s definitely well worth giving it a go

ARE YOU WEARING A NEGLIGEE?

Are you wearing a negligee?
It’s really very nice, I must say
I can see through it all the way
Every line, every curve, every dip
But if I might just offer a little tip
The foliage could do with a clip

ARE YOU WEARING CLEAN UNDERWEAR?

Are you wearing clean underwear?
That’s what my mum asked me. I swear
Every time I left the house to go out
Are you wearing clean underwear? She’d shout
As I proceeded swiftly with my fleeing
But her concern was not for my well being
She was worried about her embarrassment
If I were to suffer a serious accident
And be undressed by the nursing staff
Where my dirty pants would raise a laugh

ARE YOU WEARING SOMETHING WICKED?

Are you wearing something wicked?
Are you black clad beneath the white?
Underneath your dress are you silkily encased?
For a very wicked wedding night

ARE YOU WEARING SOMETHING SHOCKING?

Are you wearing something shocking?
Beneath your beautiful wedding dress
Well it’s not the stockings and suspenders
But your tattooed arse that will cause distress

21ST CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 231

Ky-me Nay-mo
Kilt-a ky-mo
Ky-me nay-mo
Ky-me
Man dig that scat cat daddio

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 232

Rim strim stram-a-diddle
Larra-bum-a-ring ting
Rig-num bulletin a-ky-mo!

Ah that’s Jazz man

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 233

Leg over leg,
As the man went to Dover;
When he came to a girl
He got his leg over

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 234

Miss Jane had a bag
It was robbed in a minute
She opened the bag
And a scouser was in it

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 235

As I was going by Charing Cross,
A cyclist ran me down of course

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 236

To market, to market, a gallop a trot,
To buy some meat to put in the pot;
Make sure its meat don’t let them con you
I won’t be impressed if you come home with tofu

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 237

There was a little guinea-pig,
In my neighbours house
Why?
Anybody?

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 238

There was an old woman
Tucked up in a basket
They use them now
Instead of a casket

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 239

My father left me three acres of land,
Oh grand, oh grand
And what can be found on this land?
Only sand, just sand

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 240

Buzz wuzz was that little fly
And how he loved to caper
Up and down the room he flew
Until I hit it with my paper

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 241

St. Swithin's day if thou dost rain
For forty days it will remain
And that’s the English summer for you

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 242

St. Swithin's day if thou be fine
For forty days the sun will shine
And if you believe that you’ll believe anything

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 243

The Barber shaved the Mason,
And then at the close
The barber did propose
Something for the weekend sir?

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 244

John Cook was a cyclist
All licra clad
He rides the road and the pavement
Equally as bad

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 245

John Cook was riding up
Shooter's Bank,
Pedalling fast
He thought running red lights a bit of a prank

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 246

John Cook was riding up
Shooter's Hill,
Pedalling fast
Pedestrians scattering to avoid being killed

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 247

John Cook was riding down the road
Pedalling fast
He hit a pothole
And has ridden his last

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 248

To market, to market, to buy a plum cake;
Make sure it’s a plum cake, don’t make a mistake
I don’t want a Battenberg at any price
Because it is foreign and not very nice

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 249

To market, to market to buy a fat piggy;
Make sure its not skinny or twiggy
To market, to market, to buy us a hog;
Make sure you don’t come home with a dog

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 251

Mary hand a little lamb
The sweetest lamb devised
But when all said and done
The midwife was surprised

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 252

Mary hand a little lamb
And how sweet the lamb looks
Then the midwife said
“Well that’s one for the text books”

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 253

There once was a lady named Paddy Rabbitt
Who had a flat in Tower Bridge she did inhabit
But no one would believe it
Not a living soul would have it
That a flat in Tower Bridge housed Paddy Rabbitt

For StanTheMan