What would you call a man?
With a big belly and no dress sense
Who never replies to your letters
A man that’s too lazy to shave
And is obsessed with stockings,
Who can only be relied upon for one day a year
Will never stop to ask for directions
A man who only owns one suit
Never gets you the present you asked for
And needs to be rewarded with food and drink
Oh and always leaves the dirty dishes
Well what do you think? Could be any man alive eh?
So what would you call this man?
I would call him Santa
Friday, 18 December 2009
Thursday, 17 December 2009
TIGER, TIGER – CHOICES
Tiger Woods was undecided,
Iron or wood that was the quandary
Eventually he settled on
A Fire hydrant followed by a tree
Iron or wood that was the quandary
Eventually he settled on
A Fire hydrant followed by a tree
TIGER, TIGER - OUT AND ABOUT
Elin was asked what she and Tiger were doing
Out and about in the early hours of the morning
She said she couldn’t answer for Tiger
But for herself she was out clubbing
Out and about in the early hours of the morning
She said she couldn’t answer for Tiger
But for herself she was out clubbing
TIGER, TIGER - SHORT YARDAGE
Tiger can drive a golf ball
400 yards, effortlessly
But can only drive a car
Little more than three
400 yards, effortlessly
But can only drive a car
Little more than three
WE’LL ALL BE KILLED
They tell us we are in the grip of another
Catastrophic climate crisis
That will drown the world
By melting the polar ices
Well if you are unconvinced
That the sword of doom is falling
Then you know the argument is weak
When data is replaced by name calling
Anyone not on message
Gordon Brown tells us in his piety
That we are no better
That the flat earth society
Well is it any wonder we are sceptics
When in the eighties we were told
By the doom Sayers
We would all die because of the hole
In the ozone layer
If we did not act we would kill
The polar bears and the Pandas
Well to be frank someone sold a lot of fridges
On the back of that propaganda
Catastrophic climate crisis
That will drown the world
By melting the polar ices
Well if you are unconvinced
That the sword of doom is falling
Then you know the argument is weak
When data is replaced by name calling
Anyone not on message
Gordon Brown tells us in his piety
That we are no better
That the flat earth society
Well is it any wonder we are sceptics
When in the eighties we were told
By the doom Sayers
We would all die because of the hole
In the ozone layer
If we did not act we would kill
The polar bears and the Pandas
Well to be frank someone sold a lot of fridges
On the back of that propaganda
TIGER, TIGER – TRAPPINGS
Being on the top of his sport
Tiger Woods is wealthy,
And he enjoys the trappings
Of being financially healthy
He has bought luxury cars
With what he has won
Once all in pristine condition
But now has a hole-in-one.
Tiger Woods is wealthy,
And he enjoys the trappings
Of being financially healthy
He has bought luxury cars
With what he has won
Once all in pristine condition
But now has a hole-in-one.
TIGER, TIGER – STROKE PLAY
Elin Woods admitted
Assaulting Tiger
“How many times”?
The police asked her
She thought for a moment
"I’m not sure exactly”
Then with a nod she said
“Mark me down for a three”
Assaulting Tiger
“How many times”?
The police asked her
She thought for a moment
"I’m not sure exactly”
Then with a nod she said
“Mark me down for a three”
ORIGAMI CLUB
When I was at Uni
I joined an origami club
It was only small
And we met at the local pub
But it didn’t last long
If truth be told
The membership dwindled
And it had to fold
I joined an origami club
It was only small
And we met at the local pub
But it didn’t last long
If truth be told
The membership dwindled
And it had to fold
TIGER, TIGER – TIPS AND POINTERS
Elin’s phone hasn’t stopped
Since the tale hit the papers
Every golfer in the world
Wants to speak to her
To get some pointersOn how to beat Tiger
Since the tale hit the papers
Every golfer in the world
Wants to speak to her
To get some pointersOn how to beat Tiger
FEVERISH AGAIN AND AGAIN
That medical catastrophe
The flu pandemic
Is not as bad as expected
It’s not even an epidemic
A large number of reported cases
On closer examination
Were found to have been
Preceded by intoxication
This is a totally different strain
Of contagious flu
Which the W.H.O.
Has been renamed wine flu
The flu pandemic
Is not as bad as expected
It’s not even an epidemic
A large number of reported cases
On closer examination
Were found to have been
Preceded by intoxication
This is a totally different strain
Of contagious flu
Which the W.H.O.
Has been renamed wine flu
TIGER, TIGER – MUTUAL APPRECIATION CLUB
Tiger should now have
Sympathy for baby seals
With first hand knowledge
Of how they feel
As Tiger and the baby seal
Have in common
That they’ve both been clubbed
By a Scandinavian
Sympathy for baby seals
With first hand knowledge
Of how they feel
As Tiger and the baby seal
Have in common
That they’ve both been clubbed
By a Scandinavian
FEVERISH YET AGAIN
That medical catastrophe
The flu pandemic
Is not as bad as expected
It’s not even an epidemic
A large number of reported cases
Turned out to be MAN flu
Which the W.H.O.
Has been renamed whine flu
The flu pandemic
Is not as bad as expected
It’s not even an epidemic
A large number of reported cases
Turned out to be MAN flu
Which the W.H.O.
Has been renamed whine flu
TIGER, TIGER – THE TIGER
Tiger, Tiger, what a plight
Laying prone out like a light
What mortal hand blacked your eye?
And left you staring at the sky
What greater wounds would be
On your bruised and battered body
If your wife had on reflection
Thought carefully about her club selection
Laying prone out like a light
What mortal hand blacked your eye?
And left you staring at the sky
What greater wounds would be
On your bruised and battered body
If your wife had on reflection
Thought carefully about her club selection
WHAT A LOAD OF BANKERS
Bonuses are a reward for a job well done
In short they have to be earned
But you gave yourselves bonuses
While you were fucking up the world
You even gave yourselves bonuses
When we all knew you’d fucked up the world
And you gave yourselves bonuses
While we bailed you out from your fuck ups
And now you are rewarding yourselves again
But not for a job well done
Now you’re giving yourselves bonuses
Simply for not fucking up
In short they have to be earned
But you gave yourselves bonuses
While you were fucking up the world
You even gave yourselves bonuses
When we all knew you’d fucked up the world
And you gave yourselves bonuses
While we bailed you out from your fuck ups
And now you are rewarding yourselves again
But not for a job well done
Now you’re giving yourselves bonuses
Simply for not fucking up
BRITISH AIRWAYS AND THE TWELVE DAYS OF CHRISTMAS
On the first day of Christmas dear BA gave to us
An apology from Willie
On the second day of Christmas dear BA gave to us
A two fingers sign
And an apology from Willie
On the third day of Christmas dear BA gave to us
Three defiant statements
A two fingers sign
And an apology from Willie
On the fourth day of Christmas dear BA gave to us
Four court injunction
Three defiant statements
A two fingers sign
And an apology from Willie
On the fifth day of Christmas dear BA gave to us
Five text alerts
Four court injunction
Three defiant statements
A two fingers sign
And an apology from Willie
On the sixth day of Christmas dear BA gave to us
Six insincere placations
Five text alerts
Four court injunction
Three defiant statements
A two fingers sign
And an apology from Willie
On the seventh day of Christmas dear BA gave to us
Seven check in closures
Six insincere placations
Five text alerts
Four court injunction
Three defiant statements
A two fingers sign
And an apology from Willie
On the eighth day of Christmas dear BA gave to us
Eight curt responses
Seven check in closures
Six insincere placations
Five text alerts
Four court injunction
Three defiant statements
A two fingers sign
And an apology from Willie
On the ninth day of Christmas dear BA gave to us
Nine empty gestures
Eight curt responses
Seven check in closures
Six insincere placations
Five text alerts
Four court injunction
Three defiant statements
A two fingers sign
And an apology from Willie
On the tenth day of Christmas dear BA gave to us
Ten more cancellation
Nine empty gestures
Eight curt responses
Seven check in closures
Six insincere placations
Five text alerts
Four court injunction
Three defiant statements
A two fingers sign
And an apology from Willie
On the eleventh day of Christmas dear BA gave to us
Eleven false alarms
Ten more cancellation
Nine empty gestures
Eight curt responses
Seven check in closures
Six insincere placations
Five text alerts
Four court injunction
Three defiant statements
A two fingers sign
And an apology from Willie
On the twelfth day of Christmas dear BA gave to us
Twelve days of hell
Eleven false alarms
Ten more cancellation
Nine empty gestures
Eight curt responses
Seven check in closures
Six insincere placations
Five text alerts
Four court injunction
Three defiant statements
A two fingers sign
And an apology from Willie
An apology from Willie
On the second day of Christmas dear BA gave to us
A two fingers sign
And an apology from Willie
On the third day of Christmas dear BA gave to us
Three defiant statements
A two fingers sign
And an apology from Willie
On the fourth day of Christmas dear BA gave to us
Four court injunction
Three defiant statements
A two fingers sign
And an apology from Willie
On the fifth day of Christmas dear BA gave to us
Five text alerts
Four court injunction
Three defiant statements
A two fingers sign
And an apology from Willie
On the sixth day of Christmas dear BA gave to us
Six insincere placations
Five text alerts
Four court injunction
Three defiant statements
A two fingers sign
And an apology from Willie
On the seventh day of Christmas dear BA gave to us
Seven check in closures
Six insincere placations
Five text alerts
Four court injunction
Three defiant statements
A two fingers sign
And an apology from Willie
On the eighth day of Christmas dear BA gave to us
Eight curt responses
Seven check in closures
Six insincere placations
Five text alerts
Four court injunction
Three defiant statements
A two fingers sign
And an apology from Willie
On the ninth day of Christmas dear BA gave to us
Nine empty gestures
Eight curt responses
Seven check in closures
Six insincere placations
Five text alerts
Four court injunction
Three defiant statements
A two fingers sign
And an apology from Willie
On the tenth day of Christmas dear BA gave to us
Ten more cancellation
Nine empty gestures
Eight curt responses
Seven check in closures
Six insincere placations
Five text alerts
Four court injunction
Three defiant statements
A two fingers sign
And an apology from Willie
On the eleventh day of Christmas dear BA gave to us
Eleven false alarms
Ten more cancellation
Nine empty gestures
Eight curt responses
Seven check in closures
Six insincere placations
Five text alerts
Four court injunction
Three defiant statements
A two fingers sign
And an apology from Willie
On the twelfth day of Christmas dear BA gave to us
Twelve days of hell
Eleven false alarms
Ten more cancellation
Nine empty gestures
Eight curt responses
Seven check in closures
Six insincere placations
Five text alerts
Four court injunction
Three defiant statements
A two fingers sign
And an apology from Willie
Thursday, 10 December 2009
FEVERISH AGAIN
I am suffering from gammon flu
It’s not particularly nasty
I was suffering from swine flu
But then they cured me
It’s not particularly nasty
I was suffering from swine flu
But then they cured me
CHRISTMAS DAY IN THE WORKHOUSE # 2
It’s Christmas day in the workhouse
In a typical parish establishment
Full of the inebriated and the loose
She we should have a Christmas goose
In a typical parish establishment
Full of the inebriated and the loose
She we should have a Christmas goose
TWO THOUSAND YEARS HAVE PASSED
Two thousand years have passed
Since you died on that cross of pain
Dying for our salvation
Which began your holy reign
Two thousand years have passed
And when Christmas comes again
We will celebrate the day of you birth
Which began your holy reign
Since you died on that cross of pain
Dying for our salvation
Which began your holy reign
Two thousand years have passed
And when Christmas comes again
We will celebrate the day of you birth
Which began your holy reign
CHRISTMAS PASSED
I miss my dad, I miss my mum
And my brother now he’s gone
But though we are forever apart
They live on still in my heart
Through every special memory
Of the time they shared with me
So although they have gone away
They will be with me on Christmas day
And my brother now he’s gone
But though we are forever apart
They live on still in my heart
Through every special memory
Of the time they shared with me
So although they have gone away
They will be with me on Christmas day
BRIGHTEST TIME
At Christmas time
There is only one thing
Brighter than the Christmas lights
And that is the magical look
On a child’s face
Full of wonder and delight
There is only one thing
Brighter than the Christmas lights
And that is the magical look
On a child’s face
Full of wonder and delight
TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS # 7
Twas the night before Christmas and all thru the Hotel
There were creatures emitting a terrible smell
And the cause of the awful pungent aroma
Was an octogenarian party from Cromer
There were creatures emitting a terrible smell
And the cause of the awful pungent aroma
Was an octogenarian party from Cromer
MY FAVOURITE CHRISTMAS GIFT
My favourite Christmas gift
Costs nothing it’s free
It’s the overflowing gift of joy
I get from my family
Costs nothing it’s free
It’s the overflowing gift of joy
I get from my family
TREE OF LIFE
Proudly standing there
In the town’s main square
The Christmas tree stands tall
Admired by one and all
Decked with coloured lights
Of red and green and blue and white
And every kind of coloured bauble
Short and long, large and small
Candy canes and bows adorn it
And myriad forms of other trinkets
This wonder easily catches the eye
Of every busy passer by
Who simply marvel at the sight
With open mouthed delight
Who before they continue on their way
Have to wipe a tear away
But it’s not the tree reaching to the sky
That brings a tear to the eye
But the parcels of every shape and size
A festive feast for weary eyes
A testament to people’s generosity
Sitting beneath this wondrous tree
Such a generous response to the endeavour
Thank God for those who know the answer
When want and need begs the question
Praise be to those who never forget
With hearts so full of Christmas spirit
In the town’s main square
The Christmas tree stands tall
Admired by one and all
Decked with coloured lights
Of red and green and blue and white
And every kind of coloured bauble
Short and long, large and small
Candy canes and bows adorn it
And myriad forms of other trinkets
This wonder easily catches the eye
Of every busy passer by
Who simply marvel at the sight
With open mouthed delight
Who before they continue on their way
Have to wipe a tear away
But it’s not the tree reaching to the sky
That brings a tear to the eye
But the parcels of every shape and size
A festive feast for weary eyes
A testament to people’s generosity
Sitting beneath this wondrous tree
Such a generous response to the endeavour
Thank God for those who know the answer
When want and need begs the question
Praise be to those who never forget
With hearts so full of Christmas spirit
BUMPER CHRISTMAS
All the sights and sounds
And all the tastes and smells
Make me love Christmas
All the carollers singing
And all the lights twinkling
Make me love Christmas
But there is one thing
More than any other
That makes me love Christmas
The bumper Radio Times
First going on sale
That makes me love Christmas
And all the tastes and smells
Make me love Christmas
All the carollers singing
And all the lights twinkling
Make me love Christmas
But there is one thing
More than any other
That makes me love Christmas
The bumper Radio Times
First going on sale
That makes me love Christmas
NORWEGIAN GIFT
A gift arrives each year
From across the sea
A gift from the people of Oslo
An annual gift of a Christmas tree
Given with gratitude
To stand in Trafalgar square
Received with pride
By those of us who care
A symbol of friendship
Given to us each Christmas
A token as a gift of thanks
Sent from Norway for us
From across the sea
A gift from the people of Oslo
An annual gift of a Christmas tree
Given with gratitude
To stand in Trafalgar square
Received with pride
By those of us who care
A symbol of friendship
Given to us each Christmas
A token as a gift of thanks
Sent from Norway for us
SANTA’S LITTLE HELPER
I’ve bought a special gift
For my Christmas honey
It’s a “Santa’s little helper” outfit
And it’s bloody horny
Its red velour with white fur trim
And matching lingerie
It’s figure hugging short and tight
And shows all you’d want to see
I’ve always liked sexy outfits
And this is the best I’ve seen
I’m sure that she will like it
Especially as it wipes clean
For my Christmas honey
It’s a “Santa’s little helper” outfit
And it’s bloody horny
Its red velour with white fur trim
And matching lingerie
It’s figure hugging short and tight
And shows all you’d want to see
I’ve always liked sexy outfits
And this is the best I’ve seen
I’m sure that she will like it
Especially as it wipes clean
CHRISTMAS IS A FUNNY TIME OF YEAR
Christmas is a funny time of year
At no other time of year are the shops full to overflowing
With people who clearly don’t want to be there
Spending money they don’t have
On things the recipients of them won’t like
You send cards to people you haven’t seen for years
And you get cards from people you’ve never heard of
You spend the day itself
Amidst the people you’ve managed to avoid all year
You have to kiss relatives you never knew you had
Who keep farting and blaming it on the dog
You dine on roast Turkey
Which no one lists as their favourite meat
And you have to sit at the table wearing silly paper hats
When for the rest of the year you mustn’t wear a hat at the table
You eat Christmas pudding and mince pies
That give everyone heartburn
Then you all sit around a dead tree
Pretending to like the presents you open
You eat sweets and nuts that you took out of a sock
While you watch the Queens speech
Then you play parlour games suggested by someone
Who claims in their day “they had to make their own entertainment”
Who then falls asleep in his chair
But despite all of this I still love it
At no other time of year are the shops full to overflowing
With people who clearly don’t want to be there
Spending money they don’t have
On things the recipients of them won’t like
You send cards to people you haven’t seen for years
And you get cards from people you’ve never heard of
You spend the day itself
Amidst the people you’ve managed to avoid all year
You have to kiss relatives you never knew you had
Who keep farting and blaming it on the dog
You dine on roast Turkey
Which no one lists as their favourite meat
And you have to sit at the table wearing silly paper hats
When for the rest of the year you mustn’t wear a hat at the table
You eat Christmas pudding and mince pies
That give everyone heartburn
Then you all sit around a dead tree
Pretending to like the presents you open
You eat sweets and nuts that you took out of a sock
While you watch the Queens speech
Then you play parlour games suggested by someone
Who claims in their day “they had to make their own entertainment”
Who then falls asleep in his chair
But despite all of this I still love it
MERRY CHRISTMAS
Memories of Christmas past
Etched deep within
Remembered fondly
Remembered joyfully
Youthful memories
Christmas lights
Holly wreaths
Ringing bells
Icing the cake
Singing carols
Trimming the tree
Mistletoe for kissing mum
All done with love
Special Christmas’s with mum and dad
Etched deep within
Remembered fondly
Remembered joyfully
Youthful memories
Christmas lights
Holly wreaths
Ringing bells
Icing the cake
Singing carols
Trimming the tree
Mistletoe for kissing mum
All done with love
Special Christmas’s with mum and dad
BE ON YOUR GUARD
Be on your guard
Wherever you go
Tread very carefully
You could even tip toe
But if you don’t take heed
And don’t watch where you go
You may get caught
Beneath the mistletoe
Wherever you go
Tread very carefully
You could even tip toe
But if you don’t take heed
And don’t watch where you go
You may get caught
Beneath the mistletoe
COUNT ON IT
If you are constantly worrying
About over indulging
During the festive season
Then there really is no reason
It is a well known fact you see
That you can fully enjoy the festivities
And relax and not stress or fuss
Because calories don't count at Christmas
About over indulging
During the festive season
Then there really is no reason
It is a well known fact you see
That you can fully enjoy the festivities
And relax and not stress or fuss
Because calories don't count at Christmas
IFS AND BUTS
If ifs, and buts and maybes
Were chocs and nuts and candies
Then you would have to concede
You’d have a wonderful Christmas indeed
Were chocs and nuts and candies
Then you would have to concede
You’d have a wonderful Christmas indeed
CHRISTMAS DAYS
Christmas days
Holidays
Spiritual and Holy days
Christmas days
Holidays
Mistletoe and holly days
Christmas days
Holidays
Candy canes and lolly days
Christmas days
Holidays
Spiritual and Holy days
Christmas days
Holidays
Jovial and Jolly days
Holidays
Spiritual and Holy days
Christmas days
Holidays
Mistletoe and holly days
Christmas days
Holidays
Candy canes and lolly days
Christmas days
Holidays
Spiritual and Holy days
Christmas days
Holidays
Jovial and Jolly days
WATCH OUT
Watch out, watch out
There’s a lech about
He’s stalked you all year long
Amidst the office throng
Watch out for Mr. Ross
Your lecherous boss
Who’s been waiting all year long
With a desire so strong
Watch out, watch out
There’s a lech about
Who wants to hold you in embrace
And kiss your pretty face
Watch out for Mr. Ross
Your lecherous boss
As he looks at you all agog
Intent upon a snog
So when old Mr. Ross
Your lecherous boss
Grabs you under the mistletoe
Just tell him where to go
There’s a lech about
He’s stalked you all year long
Amidst the office throng
Watch out for Mr. Ross
Your lecherous boss
Who’s been waiting all year long
With a desire so strong
Watch out, watch out
There’s a lech about
Who wants to hold you in embrace
And kiss your pretty face
Watch out for Mr. Ross
Your lecherous boss
As he looks at you all agog
Intent upon a snog
So when old Mr. Ross
Your lecherous boss
Grabs you under the mistletoe
Just tell him where to go
I COULD BE YOUR CHRISTMAS TREE
I could be your Christmas tree,
Strung with tinsel and lit, brightly
You can trim me with ribbons and bows
Baubles and bells anything goes
I shall be greeted with gasps and wows
And you can hide gifts beneath my boughs
You wont regret it if you buy me
So let me be your Christmas tree
Strung with tinsel and lit, brightly
You can trim me with ribbons and bows
Baubles and bells anything goes
I shall be greeted with gasps and wows
And you can hide gifts beneath my boughs
You wont regret it if you buy me
So let me be your Christmas tree
HE SLEEPS A KINGLY SLEEP
Oh prince of peace
Humbly lain on hay
Born to the world
On this special day
Shepherds, beasts
And kings of earth
Pay homage
At the saviours birth
While the Christ child
With angelic face
Sleeps a kingly sleep
In this humble place
Humbly lain on hay
Born to the world
On this special day
Shepherds, beasts
And kings of earth
Pay homage
At the saviours birth
While the Christ child
With angelic face
Sleeps a kingly sleep
In this humble place
CHRISTMAS FOLLY
Merriment abounds
And music fills the air
And in the cosy room
I’d hoped to see you there
Friends and loved ones
Surround me, old and new
I wished that one of them
Might have been you
Outside its cold
On this Christmas Eve
When the party's over
I won’t want to leave
But I will head home
Trudging through the snow
And in my loneliness
I’ll wonder how I let you go
And music fills the air
And in the cosy room
I’d hoped to see you there
Friends and loved ones
Surround me, old and new
I wished that one of them
Might have been you
Outside its cold
On this Christmas Eve
When the party's over
I won’t want to leave
But I will head home
Trudging through the snow
And in my loneliness
I’ll wonder how I let you go
ITS CHRISTMAS WHEN
Its Christmas when
Outside its cold and snowing
But away from the cold
Malls are full to overflowing
And all the children’s faces
Are happy and glowing
ITS CHRISTMAS when
Noddy Holder screams
Its Christmas when
Its time to fulfil dreams
When life just may be
As wonderful as it seems
Its Christmas when
All the gifts are picked
The cards are written
The stamps are licked
And all the Christmas lists
Have all been neatly ticked
Its Christmas when
All are safely home within
Everything has been prepared
The kiddies are all tucked in
Then mums and dads sit back
And festivities can begin
Outside its cold and snowing
But away from the cold
Malls are full to overflowing
And all the children’s faces
Are happy and glowing
ITS CHRISTMAS when
Noddy Holder screams
Its Christmas when
Its time to fulfil dreams
When life just may be
As wonderful as it seems
Its Christmas when
All the gifts are picked
The cards are written
The stamps are licked
And all the Christmas lists
Have all been neatly ticked
Its Christmas when
All are safely home within
Everything has been prepared
The kiddies are all tucked in
Then mums and dads sit back
And festivities can begin
CHRISTMAS, CHRISTMAS
Christmas, Christmas,
A time of peace and joy
When God gave us his son
Jesus the holy infant boy
But kids don’t think of Jesus
They just want the latest toy
Christmas, Christmas,
When God gave us a saviour
A redeemer for all the world
Now it is the season of plethora
When the rich can feel richer
And the poor just feel the poorer
Christmas, Christmas,
God was your sacrifice in vain
When you gave the world your son
Only to see his body slain
If only we had not lost our way
Will we be better when he comes again?
A time of peace and joy
When God gave us his son
Jesus the holy infant boy
But kids don’t think of Jesus
They just want the latest toy
Christmas, Christmas,
When God gave us a saviour
A redeemer for all the world
Now it is the season of plethora
When the rich can feel richer
And the poor just feel the poorer
Christmas, Christmas,
God was your sacrifice in vain
When you gave the world your son
Only to see his body slain
If only we had not lost our way
Will we be better when he comes again?
ON THE EVE
A hearty Christmas greeting
Merry Christmas to one and all
Tonight excitement fills the air
The night Santa comes to call
With gifts galore for everyone
To be piled high beneath the tree
Christmas Eve anticipation never fails
To fills our hearts with glee
Merry Christmas to one and all
Tonight excitement fills the air
The night Santa comes to call
With gifts galore for everyone
To be piled high beneath the tree
Christmas Eve anticipation never fails
To fills our hearts with glee
SILVER STRANDS
It sparkles there for all to see
Threaded round the Christmas tree
Silver tinsel shinning bright
Silver strands of Christian light
It shines and sparkles as a symbol
Of the love Christ has for us all
A strand of love, looped and curled
Threaded all around the world
And when you look at a Christmas tree
Silver strands of love you’ll see
Threaded round the Christmas tree
Silver tinsel shinning bright
Silver strands of Christian light
It shines and sparkles as a symbol
Of the love Christ has for us all
A strand of love, looped and curled
Threaded all around the world
And when you look at a Christmas tree
Silver strands of love you’ll see
MELCHIOR, CASPAR AND BALTHAZAR
Three kings from the east
Melchior, Caspar and Balthazar
Enlightened kings of wisdom
On their great quest travelled far
Three wise men from the east
Who followed a bright star
Three kings bearing gifts
Gold, frankincense and myrrh
Three kings from the east
Melchior, Caspar and Balthazar
Three kings of great wealth
Bowed low before the saviour
Melchior, Caspar and Balthazar
Enlightened kings of wisdom
On their great quest travelled far
Three wise men from the east
Who followed a bright star
Three kings bearing gifts
Gold, frankincense and myrrh
Three kings from the east
Melchior, Caspar and Balthazar
Three kings of great wealth
Bowed low before the saviour
CHUCKLING WITH DELIGHT
Chuckling with delight
At the twinkling tree lights
You giggle and smile
And yet all the while
You really don’t know
Why your sweet face is aglow
And you gurgle excitedly
At everything you see
It’s a very special time
When Christmas bells chime
And Santa’s on his way
With presents on his sleigh
For every little lad and lass
To have a special Christmas
But for you my darling one
Just enjoying all the fun
Chuckling with delight
At the twinkling tree lights
When Santa comes this way
It’s for your first Christmas Day
At the twinkling tree lights
You giggle and smile
And yet all the while
You really don’t know
Why your sweet face is aglow
And you gurgle excitedly
At everything you see
It’s a very special time
When Christmas bells chime
And Santa’s on his way
With presents on his sleigh
For every little lad and lass
To have a special Christmas
But for you my darling one
Just enjoying all the fun
Chuckling with delight
At the twinkling tree lights
When Santa comes this way
It’s for your first Christmas Day
CHRISTMAS BABY
Oh how fondly we both remember
That most special time in December
The first Christmas for our little boy
Our new born precious bundle of joy
The most special gift sent from above
Sent down from heaven for us to love
Now our baby boy is all full grown
With a little bundle of joy of his own
That most special time in December
The first Christmas for our little boy
Our new born precious bundle of joy
The most special gift sent from above
Sent down from heaven for us to love
Now our baby boy is all full grown
With a little bundle of joy of his own
CAROL OF THE BELLS
Pulled with violence
To break the silence
Choring, drawing
Mechanism priming
Ready for chiming
Banging, clanging
Momentum gaining
Timbers straining
Creaking, speaking
Mechanical timing
With rhythm climbing
Swaying, obeying
The peel resounding
A sound astounding
Ringing, singing
The call goes out
Around and about
Voicing, rejoicing
Come says the calling
Come one and all in
Morning, morning
Christ born this day
The Christmas bells say
Rejoicing, rejoicing
To break the silence
Choring, drawing
Mechanism priming
Ready for chiming
Banging, clanging
Momentum gaining
Timbers straining
Creaking, speaking
Mechanical timing
With rhythm climbing
Swaying, obeying
The peel resounding
A sound astounding
Ringing, singing
The call goes out
Around and about
Voicing, rejoicing
Come says the calling
Come one and all in
Morning, morning
Christ born this day
The Christmas bells say
Rejoicing, rejoicing
ROBIN
Crimson breasted
Perching on a gate
Robin red breast
Looking for a mate
A hardy suitor
Courting and wooing
Proudly displaying
In ritual pursuing
Trying to impress
To attract a wife
So in the spring
There’d be new life
And for his efforts
Amidst winter hard
He gets to appear
On a Christmas card
Perching on a gate
Robin red breast
Looking for a mate
A hardy suitor
Courting and wooing
Proudly displaying
In ritual pursuing
Trying to impress
To attract a wife
So in the spring
There’d be new life
And for his efforts
Amidst winter hard
He gets to appear
On a Christmas card
SAVIOUR, AT YOUR BIRTH
Saviour, at your birth
The angels softly sang
Heralding your arrival
To save the fate of man
Now your birthday is near
We hear the church bells rang
Calling your children hither
To sing the thanks of man
The angels softly sang
Heralding your arrival
To save the fate of man
Now your birthday is near
We hear the church bells rang
Calling your children hither
To sing the thanks of man
DID YOU FALL FROM HEAVEN?
Did you fall from heaven?
With the winter snow
You must be an Angel
You have that special glow
You must have come from heaven
An Angel from above.
Sent to me this Christmas
Sent to bring me love
Come sit beside me
In the glowing candle light
I never knew my love
Could ever burn so bright
From this first moment
As we drink a glass of wine
Your sweet angelic nature
Tells me you are divine
Wrapped in an Angels form
As our Christmas starts
You give me the gift of love
And I give to you my heart
With the winter snow
You must be an Angel
You have that special glow
You must have come from heaven
An Angel from above.
Sent to me this Christmas
Sent to bring me love
Come sit beside me
In the glowing candle light
I never knew my love
Could ever burn so bright
From this first moment
As we drink a glass of wine
Your sweet angelic nature
Tells me you are divine
Wrapped in an Angels form
As our Christmas starts
You give me the gift of love
And I give to you my heart
ALL THE CHRISTMAS SAINTS AND ANGELS
All the Christmas Saints and Angels
Work behind the scenes
To orchestrate the season
Like precision built machines
They make the tinsel sparkle
They make the music play
They fill out hearts with love
As we wait for the saviours day
All the Christmas Saints and Angels
Pulling the strings unseen
Their purpose is a simple one
To fulfill all our Christmas dreams
Work behind the scenes
To orchestrate the season
Like precision built machines
They make the tinsel sparkle
They make the music play
They fill out hearts with love
As we wait for the saviours day
All the Christmas Saints and Angels
Pulling the strings unseen
Their purpose is a simple one
To fulfill all our Christmas dreams
OH MY CHRISTMAS ANGEL
Oh my Christmas Angel
Won’t you here my plea
Oh Christmas Angel
Spend Christmas with me
Oh my Christmas Angel
Surely heaven sent
Oh Christmas Angel
Be my Christmas present
Oh my Christmas Angel
Wont you here my plea
Let me un-wrap you
Beneath the Christmas tree
Oh my Christmas Angel
Oh please hear me do?
Oh Christmas angel
Let me make a devil out of you
Won’t you here my plea
Oh Christmas Angel
Spend Christmas with me
Oh my Christmas Angel
Surely heaven sent
Oh Christmas Angel
Be my Christmas present
Oh my Christmas Angel
Wont you here my plea
Let me un-wrap you
Beneath the Christmas tree
Oh my Christmas Angel
Oh please hear me do?
Oh Christmas angel
Let me make a devil out of you
CHRISTMAS IS NIGH
The snow lays deep and crisp
And though the frost is keen
In the clear night sky, the heavens
In all their glory can be seen
And bright there shines a star
Standing out from the jewelled sky
A star that seems to call out
Sweetly “Christmas is nigh”
And though the frost is keen
In the clear night sky, the heavens
In all their glory can be seen
And bright there shines a star
Standing out from the jewelled sky
A star that seems to call out
Sweetly “Christmas is nigh”
Tuesday, 8 December 2009
TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS # 6
Twas the night before Christmas and all thru the castle
Not a soul was stirring not even the rascal
And the reason for all the silence within
Was an over indulgence of wine and gin
Not a soul was stirring not even the rascal
And the reason for all the silence within
Was an over indulgence of wine and gin
TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS # 5
Twas the night before Christmas and all thru the castle
Not a soul was stirring not even the rascal
And when the king returned from merrymaking
No one was awake to let him back in
Not a soul was stirring not even the rascal
And when the king returned from merrymaking
No one was awake to let him back in
TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS # 4
Twas the night before Christmas and all thru the cottage
Was silence with the owners at home in Peas Pottage
So under cover of darkness at a very late hour
The cottage was torched by the Sons of Glendower
Was silence with the owners at home in Peas Pottage
So under cover of darkness at a very late hour
The cottage was torched by the Sons of Glendower
TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS # 3
Twas the night before Christmas and all thru the tent
The creatures were stirring with malicious intent
They wriggled and crawled they chewed and they bit
As they made themselves a festive feast of it
The creatures were stirring with malicious intent
They wriggled and crawled they chewed and they bit
As they made themselves a festive feast of it
CHRISTMAS DAY IN THE WORKHOUSE # 1
It’s Christmas day in the workhouse
Just another grey day to endure
If we’re lucky we’ll dine on mouse
And Oliver will still be asking for more
Just another grey day to endure
If we’re lucky we’ll dine on mouse
And Oliver will still be asking for more
CHRISTMAS EVE IN THE WORKHOUSE # 1
It’s Christmas Eve in the workhouse,
And not a hint of the seasons in sight
No stockings hang by the fire side
They’ll be no treats in store tonight
And not a hint of the seasons in sight
No stockings hang by the fire side
They’ll be no treats in store tonight
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS # 3
I only want one Christmas gift
It’s the only Christmas wish I’ve wished
I just want to know all the names
Of the girls on the naughty list
It’s the only Christmas wish I’ve wished
I just want to know all the names
Of the girls on the naughty list
TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS # 2
Twas the night before Christmas and all thru the flat,
Not a creature was stirring not even the cat
The mince pies had been eaten every one and all
And the dog had thrown up on the carpet in the hall
Not a creature was stirring not even the cat
The mince pies had been eaten every one and all
And the dog had thrown up on the carpet in the hall
CHRISTMAS ACROSS THE SEA
I am of occidental origin
And I should make it clear
That I have lived all my life
In the northern hemisphere
And every year, except this one
I’ve spent Christmas in blighty
This year, I was invited to my daughters
I tried to decline, politely
She doesn’t live in Britain
But in the land of the kangaroo
Christmas day in high summer
Oh what an awful to-do
The hot sun was like the Grinch
Not a cloud in the sky since dawn
It ruined the day for me
And it made the eggnog warm
Flies buzzed round the turkey
My hat was stuck to my head
No queen’s speech on the telly
I wish I’d stayed home instead
And I should make it clear
That I have lived all my life
In the northern hemisphere
And every year, except this one
I’ve spent Christmas in blighty
This year, I was invited to my daughters
I tried to decline, politely
She doesn’t live in Britain
But in the land of the kangaroo
Christmas day in high summer
Oh what an awful to-do
The hot sun was like the Grinch
Not a cloud in the sky since dawn
It ruined the day for me
And it made the eggnog warm
Flies buzzed round the turkey
My hat was stuck to my head
No queen’s speech on the telly
I wish I’d stayed home instead
HAVE A CRACKING CHRISTMAS
I must definitely make sure
Her Christmas sack is full
Then if your dear is happy
Your cracker might get a pull
Her Christmas sack is full
Then if your dear is happy
Your cracker might get a pull
FAIRY ON THE TREE
Fairy, fairy on the tree
Why do you look so glum?
Is it the Christmas Blues?
To which you have succumbed
Is that what makes you sad
Or the needles up your bum
Why do you look so glum?
Is it the Christmas Blues?
To which you have succumbed
Is that what makes you sad
Or the needles up your bum
TIED UP WITH TINSEL
Have a little yuletide fun
Make it deliciously sinful
With your little Christmas hon
Tied up with tinsel
Make it deliciously sinful
With your little Christmas hon
Tied up with tinsel
CHRISTMAS SPICE
Christmas time is very nice
But if I might offer some advice
You can add a spot of yuletide spice
If you indulge in a little festive vice
But if I might offer some advice
You can add a spot of yuletide spice
If you indulge in a little festive vice
DEMENTIA
I think my grandparents
Are suffering from dementia
Because granddad asked my gran
As they sat together on the sofa
“Whatever happened
To our sexual relations dear?”
And the answer she gave
Is what gave me cause to fear
“I don’t know, we didn’t even get
A Christmas card from them this year”
Are suffering from dementia
Because granddad asked my gran
As they sat together on the sofa
“Whatever happened
To our sexual relations dear?”
And the answer she gave
Is what gave me cause to fear
“I don’t know, we didn’t even get
A Christmas card from them this year”
WHILE BROKERS WATCHED THEIR STOCK BY NIGHT
While brokers watched
Their stock by night
In the heart of London town
The angel of the Lord came down
And turned off the power
And turned off the power
While brokers looked
Into their blank monitors
Stop messing she was bade
There’s lots of money to be made
Turn on the bloody power
Turn on the bloody power
You seem to be missing
The true meaning of Christmas
The angel calmly explained
In the darkness of the exchange
They did not listen to her
They wanted only power
I am not hear for god
I am hear at my own bidding
The angel was ranting and raving
You lost my bloody savings
When they told to her the risks
She fried them to a crisp
Their stock by night
In the heart of London town
The angel of the Lord came down
And turned off the power
And turned off the power
While brokers looked
Into their blank monitors
Stop messing she was bade
There’s lots of money to be made
Turn on the bloody power
Turn on the bloody power
You seem to be missing
The true meaning of Christmas
The angel calmly explained
In the darkness of the exchange
They did not listen to her
They wanted only power
I am not hear for god
I am hear at my own bidding
The angel was ranting and raving
You lost my bloody savings
When they told to her the risks
She fried them to a crisp
TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS # 1
Twas the night before Christmas and all thru the house,
Not a creature was stirring not even a mouse
As earlier that night with the aid of cheese and a trap
I bad Mr. Mouse Merry Christmas as the spring went snap
Not a creature was stirring not even a mouse
As earlier that night with the aid of cheese and a trap
I bad Mr. Mouse Merry Christmas as the spring went snap
NORTHERN LIGHTS
We have just learned
Candles may not be burned
In Santa’s workshop
The practise has to stop
A spokesman claims
That elfin safety is to blame
Candles may not be burned
In Santa’s workshop
The practise has to stop
A spokesman claims
That elfin safety is to blame
GROTTOS GO LEGAL
Santa’s little helpers, the first contacts,
Have all been given revised contracts
They will be known by the Santa Clauses
From this year on as subordinate clauses
Have all been given revised contracts
They will be known by the Santa Clauses
From this year on as subordinate clauses
JINGLE BELLS
Jingle bells, jingle bells,
Jingle all the way.
I’ve got a gun and a clever disguise
To rob the bank on its busiest day
Jingle bells, jingle bells,
Jingle all the way.
We got caught do you know why?
Because we only had a getaway sleigh
Jingle all the way.
I’ve got a gun and a clever disguise
To rob the bank on its busiest day
Jingle bells, jingle bells,
Jingle all the way.
We got caught do you know why?
Because we only had a getaway sleigh
SCROOGE AND GRINCH
Scrooge and Grinch
Don’t believe in Christmas
When the carolers come along
They start to swear and cuss
Ebeneezer Scrooge is a skinflint
A mean and grasping old miser
Who buys from the pound shop
And sells them at a fiver
Little more than a grouch
Is the Christmas stealing Grinch
Who to miserable to be happy
He steals your Christmas by the inch
The tale is told of redemption
After the ghostly haunting stunt
The Grinch whole-hearted and loving
Says merry Christmas with a grunt
Scrooge and Grinch never changed
They were just putting on a front
Don’t believe in Christmas
When the carolers come along
They start to swear and cuss
Ebeneezer Scrooge is a skinflint
A mean and grasping old miser
Who buys from the pound shop
And sells them at a fiver
Little more than a grouch
Is the Christmas stealing Grinch
Who to miserable to be happy
He steals your Christmas by the inch
The tale is told of redemption
After the ghostly haunting stunt
The Grinch whole-hearted and loving
Says merry Christmas with a grunt
Scrooge and Grinch never changed
They were just putting on a front
WRITTEN WARNING
Beware of what you write
In your Christmas letter to Santa
Ask yourself if you’ve been good
But be honest when you answer
If you’re naughty and say you’re nice
Santa may erupt with laughter
He may even laugh so violently
That you end up killing Santa
In your Christmas letter to Santa
Ask yourself if you’ve been good
But be honest when you answer
If you’re naughty and say you’re nice
Santa may erupt with laughter
He may even laugh so violently
That you end up killing Santa
MERRY CHRISTMAS SIR
Merry Christmas sir, I’m your paper boy
I bring you daily tidings of peace and joy
I know that at 6am that no one knocks
But how else would I get my Christmas box
I bring you daily tidings of peace and joy
I know that at 6am that no one knocks
But how else would I get my Christmas box
Tuesday, 1 December 2009
DO YOU BELIEVE IN SANTA?
Do you believe in Santa?
It’s a yes or no answer
Have you never seen him?
He is there none the less
He is in the smiling faces
Or people that you meet
And in the children’s laughter
As they rush along the street
He is in the hearty handshakes
And the heart felt hellos
He is at the happy reunions
And the tearful farewells
He is in the choirs voices
Singing praise to the lord
And in the hearts of volunteers
Who feed the homeless
He is the presence of good
He is the Christmas spirit
It’s a yes or no answer
Have you never seen him?
He is there none the less
He is in the smiling faces
Or people that you meet
And in the children’s laughter
As they rush along the street
He is in the hearty handshakes
And the heart felt hellos
He is at the happy reunions
And the tearful farewells
He is in the choirs voices
Singing praise to the lord
And in the hearts of volunteers
Who feed the homeless
He is the presence of good
He is the Christmas spirit
MY EVERGREENS
Oh Holly and my Ivy
Of all the girls I’ve known
When they dress in the Santa gear
They really ring my bell
Of all the girls I’ve known
When they dress in the Santa gear
They really ring my bell
I SAW A FIGURE ON THE STAIR
I saw a figure
On the stair
Wearing red velvet
Trimmed with fur
It was Santa Claus
In my view
With long white beard
And hat askew
But not a Santa
Of familiar build
And no sack was apparent
Generously filled
I thought the figure
To my surprise
Was rather pleasing
To the eyes
And curiously aroused
At the view
Of Santa
In red stiletto shoes
At that moment
At the top of the stair
The coat fell open
And I do declare
This sight of Santa
Left me aghast
Wearing black stockings
And leather Basque
The white beard
Fell to the floor
And then I understood
What I saw
Santa hadn’t brought me
A gift in a sack
Santa was the present
For me to unwrap
On the stair
Wearing red velvet
Trimmed with fur
It was Santa Claus
In my view
With long white beard
And hat askew
But not a Santa
Of familiar build
And no sack was apparent
Generously filled
I thought the figure
To my surprise
Was rather pleasing
To the eyes
And curiously aroused
At the view
Of Santa
In red stiletto shoes
At that moment
At the top of the stair
The coat fell open
And I do declare
This sight of Santa
Left me aghast
Wearing black stockings
And leather Basque
The white beard
Fell to the floor
And then I understood
What I saw
Santa hadn’t brought me
A gift in a sack
Santa was the present
For me to unwrap
CHRISTMAS IS THE HARDEST TIME
Christmas is the hardest time
When in the bosom of kith and kin
Amidst the exited chatter
And rustle of discarded paper
Punctuated by the joyous laughter of children
And over exited grown ups
I made all the right noises
As I wore my painful smile
I opened my presents when prompted
“Oh isn’t that lovely” I cooed
“That’s just what I wanted” I lied
But what I actually wanted
Was to be somewhere else
Where there was no need of false delight
Or insincere thankful exclamations
Anywhere else but there
They are well meaning souls
Who thought to help me,
By including my in their joyous celebrations
But they don’t understand my grief
Or the empty ache of a shattered heart
Each innocent Christmas ritual cut me like a knife
The familiar songs, once loved, now hurt
And each merry Christmas was a fresh cut
Losing you, my partner in life
Was like having a conjoined twin cut away
And among that happy crowd
My loneliness was most keenly felt
When all the excitement died away
I sat in silent contemplation
When sweet memories of happier days
Flooded into my mind to torture me
I hide it from the crowd
Keeping the pain and sorrow within
But so intertwined were our lives
I am left incomplete
I am in torment every day for the want of you
But Christmas is the hardest time
When in the bosom of kith and kin
Amidst the exited chatter
And rustle of discarded paper
Punctuated by the joyous laughter of children
And over exited grown ups
I made all the right noises
As I wore my painful smile
I opened my presents when prompted
“Oh isn’t that lovely” I cooed
“That’s just what I wanted” I lied
But what I actually wanted
Was to be somewhere else
Where there was no need of false delight
Or insincere thankful exclamations
Anywhere else but there
They are well meaning souls
Who thought to help me,
By including my in their joyous celebrations
But they don’t understand my grief
Or the empty ache of a shattered heart
Each innocent Christmas ritual cut me like a knife
The familiar songs, once loved, now hurt
And each merry Christmas was a fresh cut
Losing you, my partner in life
Was like having a conjoined twin cut away
And among that happy crowd
My loneliness was most keenly felt
When all the excitement died away
I sat in silent contemplation
When sweet memories of happier days
Flooded into my mind to torture me
I hide it from the crowd
Keeping the pain and sorrow within
But so intertwined were our lives
I am left incomplete
I am in torment every day for the want of you
But Christmas is the hardest time
THREE WISE ONES Reprised
The three wise men
Traveled for days before reaching Bethlehem
And arrived after the birth
They stood and viewed the scene in awe
And knelt reverently in the lords presence
Then gave their gifts of Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
The three wise women
Would have stopped to ask directions
And arrived before the birth
They would have delivered the baby
Then they would have cleaned the stable and cooked a meal
Before giving the baby really useful gifts
The three wise women
Leaving Bethlehem would be heard to say
“A virgin not likely, I know the family”
“That baby looks more like the shepherd than Joseph”
“Only a drama queen would choose to give birth in a stable”
“That Joseph is on the social you know”
“Well a lift home would have been nice”
“That angel was really snooty”
Traveled for days before reaching Bethlehem
And arrived after the birth
They stood and viewed the scene in awe
And knelt reverently in the lords presence
Then gave their gifts of Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
The three wise women
Would have stopped to ask directions
And arrived before the birth
They would have delivered the baby
Then they would have cleaned the stable and cooked a meal
Before giving the baby really useful gifts
The three wise women
Leaving Bethlehem would be heard to say
“A virgin not likely, I know the family”
“That baby looks more like the shepherd than Joseph”
“Only a drama queen would choose to give birth in a stable”
“That Joseph is on the social you know”
“Well a lift home would have been nice”
“That angel was really snooty”
DECEMBER
December’s wind is bitter
December's moon is cold
December's gem is turquoise
December’s year is old
December’s sun is cool
December’s water is ice
December’s number is twelve
December smells of spice
December’s season is winter
December’s green is holly
December’s season is festive
December people are jolly
December’s shops are full
December’s shows are on
December’s drink is eggnog
December smells of cinnamon
December’s days are short
December’s nights are long
December’s tone is joy
December sings a Christmas song
December's moon is cold
December's gem is turquoise
December’s year is old
December’s sun is cool
December’s water is ice
December’s number is twelve
December smells of spice
December’s season is winter
December’s green is holly
December’s season is festive
December people are jolly
December’s shops are full
December’s shows are on
December’s drink is eggnog
December smells of cinnamon
December’s days are short
December’s nights are long
December’s tone is joy
December sings a Christmas song
VENTURA HOLIDAY
A Christmas cruise in the Caribbean
What a dream for the Christmas season
It’s a dream holiday for anyone
And costs thousands of pounds for a reason
Among other things what you would expect
When venturing on the ocean waves
Is to be in company of like minded people
Who comprehend how they should behave
You book early to avoid disappointment
And the chance to choose where to stay
Settle the amount in plenty of time
Then in December you’re on your way
But then to ensure a full compliment
Those greedy so and so’s at P& O
Heavily discount the remaining cabins
To all and sundry, happy Christmas ho ho ho
From every city, village and town
From Great Yarmouth to Merseyside
From John O’Groats to Lands End
And from Fishguard to Tyneside
They come in search of a bargain
And a cut price berth on a luxury cruise
The uncouth the loutish and the crude
They who measure fun in volumes of booze
And so begins the Chav cruise from hell
Not hell for the Chavs themselves sadly
But for the poor souls who paid their way
Chavs know no other way to behave but badly
For alcohol consumption they know no limit
This is apparent for every poor soul to see
Drunken food fights soon breakout
Some even set fire to the Christmas tree
What a sad indictment on our society
The way the Chavs behave abroad
It’s a shame that international law
Won’t let us throw the bastards overboard
What a dream for the Christmas season
It’s a dream holiday for anyone
And costs thousands of pounds for a reason
Among other things what you would expect
When venturing on the ocean waves
Is to be in company of like minded people
Who comprehend how they should behave
You book early to avoid disappointment
And the chance to choose where to stay
Settle the amount in plenty of time
Then in December you’re on your way
But then to ensure a full compliment
Those greedy so and so’s at P& O
Heavily discount the remaining cabins
To all and sundry, happy Christmas ho ho ho
From every city, village and town
From Great Yarmouth to Merseyside
From John O’Groats to Lands End
And from Fishguard to Tyneside
They come in search of a bargain
And a cut price berth on a luxury cruise
The uncouth the loutish and the crude
They who measure fun in volumes of booze
And so begins the Chav cruise from hell
Not hell for the Chavs themselves sadly
But for the poor souls who paid their way
Chavs know no other way to behave but badly
For alcohol consumption they know no limit
This is apparent for every poor soul to see
Drunken food fights soon breakout
Some even set fire to the Christmas tree
What a sad indictment on our society
The way the Chavs behave abroad
It’s a shame that international law
Won’t let us throw the bastards overboard
CHRISTMAS WITHOUT HARRY
It was early when the children woke up
With their squeals of joy and delight
They hadn’t woken me though
I’d been awake half the night
Christmas held no joy for me this year
I was not looking forward to the day
And I always loved Christmas
This year I didn’t want to play
It was the first Christmas since I lost Harry
And each moment was a fresh agony
Everything we used to do together
Now had to be done by me
When you are the perfect partnership
It’s so hard when you lose one of the team
He was the cream cheese on my bagel,
I was the coffee to his cream
Its six months since he was taken from me
But the wound has barely healed
It takes just the slightest remembrance
And a fresh scar is then revealed
The children have all adjusted well
I’m so proud of the way they’ve coped
They’ve gotten on with their lives
And not sat around and moped
I’ve lain awake most of the night
Reliving Christmases gone by
I laughed at all the happy memories
And then the laughter turned to cries
It was going to be a difficult day to bear
And I would be glad when it was done
But I didn’t want to be a Grinch
And pour water on the children’s fun
Having Christmas without Harry
Was like having an undecorated tree
He was my best friend and soul mate
He was just everything to me
So for the kid’s sake I had to grin and bear it
Put on a brave face, smiled through the pain
I thought it would never end but end it did
And it won’t be that hard again
With their squeals of joy and delight
They hadn’t woken me though
I’d been awake half the night
Christmas held no joy for me this year
I was not looking forward to the day
And I always loved Christmas
This year I didn’t want to play
It was the first Christmas since I lost Harry
And each moment was a fresh agony
Everything we used to do together
Now had to be done by me
When you are the perfect partnership
It’s so hard when you lose one of the team
He was the cream cheese on my bagel,
I was the coffee to his cream
Its six months since he was taken from me
But the wound has barely healed
It takes just the slightest remembrance
And a fresh scar is then revealed
The children have all adjusted well
I’m so proud of the way they’ve coped
They’ve gotten on with their lives
And not sat around and moped
I’ve lain awake most of the night
Reliving Christmases gone by
I laughed at all the happy memories
And then the laughter turned to cries
It was going to be a difficult day to bear
And I would be glad when it was done
But I didn’t want to be a Grinch
And pour water on the children’s fun
Having Christmas without Harry
Was like having an undecorated tree
He was my best friend and soul mate
He was just everything to me
So for the kid’s sake I had to grin and bear it
Put on a brave face, smiled through the pain
I thought it would never end but end it did
And it won’t be that hard again
THE GIFT GIVER
The Christmas trees are trimmed
And all the halls are decked
Santa has made his list
And all the names are checked
The reindeer have been harnessed
The sleigh is loaded high
Santa climbs into his seat
And they’re off into the sky
Santa goes from roof to roof
From city to city and town to town
He finds the chimney pot
Then takes the presents down
And the gift giver goes about his work
So that every girl and boy
Can awake on Christmas morning
And unwrap that wanted toy
And all the halls are decked
Santa has made his list
And all the names are checked
The reindeer have been harnessed
The sleigh is loaded high
Santa climbs into his seat
And they’re off into the sky
Santa goes from roof to roof
From city to city and town to town
He finds the chimney pot
Then takes the presents down
And the gift giver goes about his work
So that every girl and boy
Can awake on Christmas morning
And unwrap that wanted toy
CHRISTMAS TURKEY
Laid naked on the kitchen table
White flesh from leg to breast
A Christmas bird to be enjoyed
My table was truly blessed
I set about the job in hand
Getting the bird prepared
And by using all my expertise
No effort at all was spared
Having greased the old bird well
The meaty legs spread wide
And I began to stuff the bird
I was really in my stride
When the bird had been well stuffed
It lay resting on the cooker
Smelling of sage and onion
The bird really was a looker
Then I looked up at the kitchen clock
Panic filled me and I began to fret
I shouted to my wife “quick put you pants on”
I haven’t prepared the turkey yet
White flesh from leg to breast
A Christmas bird to be enjoyed
My table was truly blessed
I set about the job in hand
Getting the bird prepared
And by using all my expertise
No effort at all was spared
Having greased the old bird well
The meaty legs spread wide
And I began to stuff the bird
I was really in my stride
When the bird had been well stuffed
It lay resting on the cooker
Smelling of sage and onion
The bird really was a looker
Then I looked up at the kitchen clock
Panic filled me and I began to fret
I shouted to my wife “quick put you pants on”
I haven’t prepared the turkey yet
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)