ALL-TIME CLASSIC MOVIE FAVOURITES – THE AFRICAN QUEEN (1951)

 

The African Queen is based on C.S. Forester’s novel and directed by John Huston.

It’s set in German Eastern Africa at the beginning of WW1, and begins at a Christian Mission where Reverend Samuel Sayer (Robert Morley) has become a hostile foreigner, so German imperial troop’s burn down his mission.

He is beaten during the attack and later dies of fever, leaving his spinster sister Rose (Katharine Hepburn) all alone until Charlie Allnut (Humphrey Bogart) the gin-swilling riverboat captain of the dilapidated river steamboat 'African Queen' arrives and gives her a means of escape.

They bury Samuel and set off on the long difficult journey down river without any comfort and along the way the odd companions conceive a cockeyed plan to help in the British War effort (and avenge her brother), by sinking a huge German warship, the Louisa, on Lake Victoria, by constructing their own torpedo.

The unlikely couple, an ex gin-swilling riverboat captain and a former strait-laced missionary, aim high in their endeavour, as God is obviously on their side, and they have love for each other.

WEIGHING UP WOMEN

 

Why is it that married women seem to weight?

So much more than single women do today

This subject has been the cause of much debate

The reason I believe to be true goes this way

When single women arrive back at home

They see what is in the fridge then go to bed

When married women arrive back at home

See what’s in bed then go to the fridge instead

THE ASTI

 

I think I am no ordinary man

Which begins my monologue

I am Dyslexic and an Atheist

But to complete my catalogue

Now I am an Insomniac as well

And I no longer sleep like a log

Instead, I now lie awake at night

Wondering if there really is a Dog

YOU KNOW YOU'RE GETTING OLD WHEN

 

You know you're getting old when you have to squint to see

And a dripping tap will cause an uncontrollable urge to pee

You regret all those times that you resisted the temptation

And you get winded playing chess, and it causes hypertension

You know you're getting old when you can’t get up unaided

And your children begin to look middle-aged and jaded

Your head keeps making promises that your body can't keep

And when you’re watching television all you do is fall asleep

You know you're getting old no matter how hard you try

It’s when you still chase women, but you can't remember why

Your knees buckle easily but your belt doesn’t anymore

And your new pacemaker keeps opening the garage door

ONE OF YOU IS MAD

 

You write every week

To your Mother in Leek

Even though she writes you

Every day or two

From the Isle of Wight

Asking why you never write

HAPPY MARRIAGE

 

Once there was a man who said

"I never knew what happiness was

Until the time that I took a wife

But it was too late by then of course!”

FORTYFIED

 

The difference between his girlfriend

And his wife is about 45 pounds of fat

The difference between her boyfriend

And her husband is 45 minutes flat