WHERE IS YOUR CHRISTMAS SPIRIT?
Where is your Christmas Spirit?
Tell me are you feeling it yet?
Why are you looking over there?
It’s not in your liquor cabinet
I REMEMBER THE TIME
I remember the time
I stopped believing in Santa Claus
And getting pants and socks
In my stocking was the cause
FAMILIES ARE AN ABSOLUTE NIGHTMARE
Families are an absolute nightmare
I wouldn’t visit mine on a dare
Santa Claus has the right idea
Visiting people only once a year
I ALWAYS ENJOY THE OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTIES
I always enjoy the office Christmas parties
It’s my favourite part of the holiday
What I don’t like about the Christmas parties
Is looking for a new job the next day
CHRISTMAS HAS BEEN CANCELLED!
Christmas has been cancelled!
Let me make it perfectly clear
Santa died laughing when I told him
I’d been a good boy this year!
REMEMBER, CHRISTMAS ISN'T ABOUT
Remember, Christmas isn't about
How big the tree is, or what's under it
Or the Christmas lights and decorations
It's about the people who are around it
IN THE RUN UP TO CHRISTMAS BE ESPECIALLY
In the run up to Christmas be especially
Kind and caring to those around you
Because in the office Secret Santa
You don’t know who will be buying for you
CHRISTMAS PARADOX
One of the paradoxes of family life
Is that kids will never admit to parents
That they don’t believe in Santa Claus
While every Christmas they get presents
FOR WOMEN THE HOLIDAY SHOPPING SEASON
For women the holiday shopping season
Starts on all hallows Eve
For men the holiday shopping season
Starts on Christmas Eve
A LITTLE BOY WROTE TO SANTA CLAUSE
A little boy wrote to Santa Clause
“Please send me a brother”
Santa Clause wrote him back,
“Ok, send me your mother”
THAT'S POLITICAL CORRECTNESS THAT IS # 1
That's political correctness that is
In one of its insidious ways
That’s stops us saying merry Christmas
And makes us say happy holidays
WHEN YOU OPEN THE WINDOWS
When you open the windows
Throughout the festive season
On Microsoft’s advent calendar
They suddenly close for no reason
I GOT AN INAPPROPRIATE PRESENT
I got an inappropriate present
From my grandparents you know
Ordinarily a Slinky is a great gift
But not if you live in a bungalow
Wednesday 14 December 2016
A Little Bit Of Humour # 134
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 383
Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
When he got a telephone call
“Hump Me Dumpty” Bo said
And he fainted and fell off the wall
FAIRY TALE’S RESPUN # 9
New mattresses were ordered
For the bed of Princess Kayleigh
As they were changing the beds
For The Princess And The Pee
I WENT INTO HOSPITAL FOR MINOR SURGERY # 4
I went into hospital for minor surgery
And the surgeon thought he was a riot
He held up the x-ray and said “Wait a minute,
If this is his spleen, then what the hell is that?”
THE LORD AND GENTLEMAN OF THE HOUSE
The Lord and gentleman of the house
Eloped with the under cook, Elaine
But his wife was quite sanguine, because
She could have the maid to herself again
CHEMISTS AND ALCHEMISTS
Chemists and alchemists
Are both of feminine gender
Because one is a Charlotte Ann
And the other is an Ann Eliza
LIFE IS A FOUR LETTER WORD
Life is short, a four letter word
It’s quite absurd, and here’s why
It’s because half of it is just an 'if
And three quarters of it is a 'lie'
LIP-SALVE
Lip-salve is a very useful product
But it’s not a good chaperon, in anyway
Even though it lives up to its boast
Of always keeping the chaps away
FOR MANY YEARS HE HADN’T DONE MUCH
For many years he hadn’t done much
In the way of work at all
Not that he was physically incapable
He just worked at county hall
IT WILL NORMALLY INVOKE A SENSE OF SHAME
It will normally invoke a sense of shame
When a young lady to loses her good name
However her position is not an untenable one
When a young man gives her a better one
NICOLA STURGEON, THE SCOTTISH FIRST MINISTER
Nicola Sturgeon, the Scottish First Minister
Says she want’s independence from Westminster
But it’s illogical, she’s just flexing her muscles
As Scotland will become dependent on Brussels
Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
When he got a telephone call
“Hump Me Dumpty” Bo said
And he fainted and fell off the wall
FAIRY TALE’S RESPUN # 9
New mattresses were ordered
For the bed of Princess Kayleigh
As they were changing the beds
For The Princess And The Pee
I WENT INTO HOSPITAL FOR MINOR SURGERY # 4
I went into hospital for minor surgery
And the surgeon thought he was a riot
He held up the x-ray and said “Wait a minute,
If this is his spleen, then what the hell is that?”
THE LORD AND GENTLEMAN OF THE HOUSE
The Lord and gentleman of the house
Eloped with the under cook, Elaine
But his wife was quite sanguine, because
She could have the maid to herself again
CHEMISTS AND ALCHEMISTS
Chemists and alchemists
Are both of feminine gender
Because one is a Charlotte Ann
And the other is an Ann Eliza
LIFE IS A FOUR LETTER WORD
Life is short, a four letter word
It’s quite absurd, and here’s why
It’s because half of it is just an 'if
And three quarters of it is a 'lie'
LIP-SALVE
Lip-salve is a very useful product
But it’s not a good chaperon, in anyway
Even though it lives up to its boast
Of always keeping the chaps away
FOR MANY YEARS HE HADN’T DONE MUCH
For many years he hadn’t done much
In the way of work at all
Not that he was physically incapable
He just worked at county hall
IT WILL NORMALLY INVOKE A SENSE OF SHAME
It will normally invoke a sense of shame
When a young lady to loses her good name
However her position is not an untenable one
When a young man gives her a better one
NICOLA STURGEON, THE SCOTTISH FIRST MINISTER
Nicola Sturgeon, the Scottish First Minister
Says she want’s independence from Westminster
But it’s illogical, she’s just flexing her muscles
As Scotland will become dependent on Brussels
Tuesday 29 November 2016
A Little Bit Of Humour # 133
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 382
Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
He didn’t see her coming at all
“Hump Me and Dump Me” She yelled
And pushed him off the wall
HE WAS AN ASPIRING NOVELIST
He was an aspiring novelist
And an uncomplicated fella
Who wrote in the basement
Clearly hoping for a best cellar
I BOUGHT A SECOND HAND PHONE
I bought a second hand phone
From a guy in Germany
I just had to delete his contacts
And now it's Hans free
ELEVATED SHOE
My latest girlfriend
Wears an elevated shoe
Just on one foot though
But, that’s Eileen for you
FAIRY TALE’S RESPUN # 8
Fumble Lina, Fumble Lina sexy little thing
Fumble Lina prance, Fumble Lina swing
Fumble Lina all I do is give a whistle or give a call
And because you’re so full of lust you let me have it all
I WENT INTO HOSPITAL FOR MINOR SURGERY # 3
I went into hospital for minor surgery
And the anaesthetist thought he was funny
When the nurse dropped my notes he said
“Don’t lose them, we may need them at autopsy”
WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE WASN’T ALLOWED
William Shakespeare wasn’t allowed
To drink in his local hostelry
And the reason for that was because
He had been Bard obviously
KERMIT THE FROG’S CAR
Kermit the Frog’s car
Broke down one day
So he phoned the AA
And it got Toad away
WHEN ANNE BOLEYN WAS UNDRESSED
When Anne Boleyn was undressed
It was observed when they viewed her
That she was covered in tooth marks
Because of her husband Henry Tudor
APPARENTLY ONE IN THREE KIDS # 1
Apparently one in three kids
Are conceived in an IKEA bed
One in three chavs are conceived
In the stores toilets instead
Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
He didn’t see her coming at all
“Hump Me and Dump Me” She yelled
And pushed him off the wall
HE WAS AN ASPIRING NOVELIST
He was an aspiring novelist
And an uncomplicated fella
Who wrote in the basement
Clearly hoping for a best cellar
I BOUGHT A SECOND HAND PHONE
I bought a second hand phone
From a guy in Germany
I just had to delete his contacts
And now it's Hans free
ELEVATED SHOE
My latest girlfriend
Wears an elevated shoe
Just on one foot though
But, that’s Eileen for you
FAIRY TALE’S RESPUN # 8
Fumble Lina, Fumble Lina sexy little thing
Fumble Lina prance, Fumble Lina swing
Fumble Lina all I do is give a whistle or give a call
And because you’re so full of lust you let me have it all
I WENT INTO HOSPITAL FOR MINOR SURGERY # 3
I went into hospital for minor surgery
And the anaesthetist thought he was funny
When the nurse dropped my notes he said
“Don’t lose them, we may need them at autopsy”
WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE WASN’T ALLOWED
William Shakespeare wasn’t allowed
To drink in his local hostelry
And the reason for that was because
He had been Bard obviously
KERMIT THE FROG’S CAR
Kermit the Frog’s car
Broke down one day
So he phoned the AA
And it got Toad away
WHEN ANNE BOLEYN WAS UNDRESSED
When Anne Boleyn was undressed
It was observed when they viewed her
That she was covered in tooth marks
Because of her husband Henry Tudor
APPARENTLY ONE IN THREE KIDS # 1
Apparently one in three kids
Are conceived in an IKEA bed
One in three chavs are conceived
In the stores toilets instead
Wednesday 9 November 2016
A Little Bit Of Humour # 132
MY SON JOKES ABOUT MY AGE # 9
My son jokes about my age
His humour is unforgiving
He says my first driving license
Was probably written in Latin
FAIRY TALE’S RESPUN # 7
“You'll never guess my name”
Taunted Rumpelstiltskin.
“I know” she said “but that’s because
Of the Gimp Mask you’re wearing”
THE THANKSGIVING TURKEY
The Thanksgiving Turkey
Risked being stricken
When he crossed the road
To prove he wasn't chicken!
MY SISTER BROKE UP WITH HER MR RIGHT
My sister broke up with her Mr Right
After only a few days,
Because it turned out
That his first name was always
I WENT INTO HOSPITAL FOR MINOR SURGERY # 2
I went into hospital for minor surgery
And the anaesthetist was a bit of a clown
“Did this patient sign the organ Doner form?”
He said as I was lying there in my gown
I PHONED THE DENTIST IN SOME DISTRESS
I phoned the dentist in some distress
And I had to get a bit shirty
The receptionist finally booked me
An appointment at Tooth Hurty.
STEP BROTHER
When I got home from work
My brother came into view
He was laying on the doorstep
But hey that’s Matt for you
SOMEBODY TRASHED THE BIKE
Somebody trashed the bike
Of the school bully, Michael
It was after an anti-bullying lecture
Entitled “let’s break the cycle”
I HEARD A VERY APT DESCRIPTION
I heard a very apt description
Of Gardening the other day
It suggested that Gardening was
Grown-ups going outside to play
SOME PEOPLE ARE DOWN BEAT
Some people are down beat
And see life as a negative
But I was born to be an optimist
Even my blood type is B Positive
My son jokes about my age
His humour is unforgiving
He says my first driving license
Was probably written in Latin
FAIRY TALE’S RESPUN # 7
“You'll never guess my name”
Taunted Rumpelstiltskin.
“I know” she said “but that’s because
Of the Gimp Mask you’re wearing”
THE THANKSGIVING TURKEY
The Thanksgiving Turkey
Risked being stricken
When he crossed the road
To prove he wasn't chicken!
MY SISTER BROKE UP WITH HER MR RIGHT
My sister broke up with her Mr Right
After only a few days,
Because it turned out
That his first name was always
I WENT INTO HOSPITAL FOR MINOR SURGERY # 2
I went into hospital for minor surgery
And the anaesthetist was a bit of a clown
“Did this patient sign the organ Doner form?”
He said as I was lying there in my gown
I PHONED THE DENTIST IN SOME DISTRESS
I phoned the dentist in some distress
And I had to get a bit shirty
The receptionist finally booked me
An appointment at Tooth Hurty.
STEP BROTHER
When I got home from work
My brother came into view
He was laying on the doorstep
But hey that’s Matt for you
SOMEBODY TRASHED THE BIKE
Somebody trashed the bike
Of the school bully, Michael
It was after an anti-bullying lecture
Entitled “let’s break the cycle”
I HEARD A VERY APT DESCRIPTION
I heard a very apt description
Of Gardening the other day
It suggested that Gardening was
Grown-ups going outside to play
SOME PEOPLE ARE DOWN BEAT
Some people are down beat
And see life as a negative
But I was born to be an optimist
Even my blood type is B Positive
Wednesday 2 November 2016
A Little Bit Of Humour # 131
HALLOWEEN PICKUP # 1
When you’re on the pull
If you want to break the ice
Say something funny
Or say something nice
Be complimentary
Or just lie in your endeavour
Be devastatingly witty
Or say something clever
During the Halloween season
Just say to any girl you meet
“If you let me show you a trick
I can promise you’ll get a treat”
MY SON JOKES ABOUT MY AGE # 8
My son jokes about my age
Especially in front of his mates
He says that when I was at school
We had to write on slates
EVERYONE WANTS CANDY ON HALLOWEEN
Everyone wants Candy on Halloween
As they march on their trick or treat patrol
But the only Candy that interests me
Will be swinging on a silver pole
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 381
Jack and Jill went up the hill
But not for a pale of water
Because they went up the hill
To do what they shouldn’t oughta
REMEMBER THE FIFTH
Remember, remember
The fifth of November?
Gunpowder, treason and….
No I don’t remember
FAIRY TALE’S RESPUN # 6
She was drinking in the forest
But she didn't want Tango to sup,
That wasn’t for Snow White,
She much preferred her 7up
IT HAPPENS EVERY HALLOWEEN
It happens every Halloween when
Enthusiastic revellers frequent
Accident and Emergency, where
Clinicians call it trick or treatment
I WENT INTO HOSPITAL FOR MINOR SURGERY # 1
I went into hospital for minor surgery
And the anaesthetist was a bit of a clown
“Accept this sacrifice, O Lord of Darkness”
He said as I was lying there in my gown
I DON’T BELIEVE IN SPOOKS AND DEMONS
I don’t believe in spooks and demons
I think that should be understood
But there are always more trick-or-treaters
Than there are kids in the neighborhood
IF VAMPIRES CAN’T SEE THEIR OWN REFLECTION
If vampires can’t see
Their own reflection
In a mirror or anything else
That’s shiny
Then the thing I
Have always wondered is
How do they manage?
To keep their hair tidy?
When you’re on the pull
If you want to break the ice
Say something funny
Or say something nice
Be complimentary
Or just lie in your endeavour
Be devastatingly witty
Or say something clever
During the Halloween season
Just say to any girl you meet
“If you let me show you a trick
I can promise you’ll get a treat”
MY SON JOKES ABOUT MY AGE # 8
My son jokes about my age
Especially in front of his mates
He says that when I was at school
We had to write on slates
EVERYONE WANTS CANDY ON HALLOWEEN
Everyone wants Candy on Halloween
As they march on their trick or treat patrol
But the only Candy that interests me
Will be swinging on a silver pole
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 381
Jack and Jill went up the hill
But not for a pale of water
Because they went up the hill
To do what they shouldn’t oughta
REMEMBER THE FIFTH
Remember, remember
The fifth of November?
Gunpowder, treason and….
No I don’t remember
FAIRY TALE’S RESPUN # 6
She was drinking in the forest
But she didn't want Tango to sup,
That wasn’t for Snow White,
She much preferred her 7up
IT HAPPENS EVERY HALLOWEEN
It happens every Halloween when
Enthusiastic revellers frequent
Accident and Emergency, where
Clinicians call it trick or treatment
I WENT INTO HOSPITAL FOR MINOR SURGERY # 1
I went into hospital for minor surgery
And the anaesthetist was a bit of a clown
“Accept this sacrifice, O Lord of Darkness”
He said as I was lying there in my gown
I DON’T BELIEVE IN SPOOKS AND DEMONS
I don’t believe in spooks and demons
I think that should be understood
But there are always more trick-or-treaters
Than there are kids in the neighborhood
IF VAMPIRES CAN’T SEE THEIR OWN REFLECTION
If vampires can’t see
Their own reflection
In a mirror or anything else
That’s shiny
Then the thing I
Have always wondered is
How do they manage?
To keep their hair tidy?
Wednesday 7 September 2016
A Little Bit Of Humour # 130
MY SON JOKES ABOUT MY AGE # 7
My son jokes about my age
His humour is very droll
He says my first driving license
Was written on a scroll
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 380
Jack and Jill
Went up the hill
And at the summit
Jack does Jill
I HAVE OFTEN WANTED TO ASK THE QUESTION
I have often wanted to ask the question
Which has always gone unspoken
Why, when my wife gets ready, does she
Put on mascara with her mouth open
WHEN I CHECKED LABELS AT THE SUPERMARKET
When I checked labels at the supermarket
I had to point out the irony to my wife Helen
As to why lemon juice had artificial flavouring
And washing up liquid is made with real lemons
I AM NOT A GERMAPHOBE
I am not a Germaphobe, but cleanliness
Is something to which I have no objections
But it seems pointless, to sterilise needles
That are to be used for lethal injections
A PENNY’S WORTH
Apparently “to put your two pennies worth in”
Means that you took your chance to speak
But you only get a “penny for your thoughts”
Which I have always thought a bit of a cheek
I don’t understand the disparity in the values
Why is it cheaper to think than it is to speak?
I TRAVEL ON THE TRAIN TO WIMBLEDON
I travel on the train to Wimbledon
It’s the best station by far for me
As you can change for the Overground
Underground and Wombleing free
I THINK THAT THEIR NAME IS AN MISNOMER
I think that their name is an misnomer
If the Borrowers never return anything.
In fact I would go as far to say they’re
Little more than a criminal enterprise ring
WHY DID THE BROKEN CLOCK
Why did the broken clock
Cross the road without pause to stop?
Well it’s a no brainer really
It was to get to the second hand shop
IF JM BARRIE HAD WRITTEN SMUT
If JM Barrie had written smut
About all the titillation and joys
His classic tale would have been
Peter Porn and The Lust Boys
MY FATHER IN LAW IS A PHYSICIST
My father in law is a Physicist
Who is oblivious to culinary tips
He is too focussed on his work
So he lives on Fission chips
FAIRY TALE’S RESPUN # 5
The classic tale of Goldilocks
Should never have included Bears
The Girl was gay so it was actually
Goldilocks and the Three Mares
My son jokes about my age
His humour is very droll
He says my first driving license
Was written on a scroll
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 380
Jack and Jill
Went up the hill
And at the summit
Jack does Jill
I HAVE OFTEN WANTED TO ASK THE QUESTION
I have often wanted to ask the question
Which has always gone unspoken
Why, when my wife gets ready, does she
Put on mascara with her mouth open
WHEN I CHECKED LABELS AT THE SUPERMARKET
When I checked labels at the supermarket
I had to point out the irony to my wife Helen
As to why lemon juice had artificial flavouring
And washing up liquid is made with real lemons
I AM NOT A GERMAPHOBE
I am not a Germaphobe, but cleanliness
Is something to which I have no objections
But it seems pointless, to sterilise needles
That are to be used for lethal injections
A PENNY’S WORTH
Apparently “to put your two pennies worth in”
Means that you took your chance to speak
But you only get a “penny for your thoughts”
Which I have always thought a bit of a cheek
I don’t understand the disparity in the values
Why is it cheaper to think than it is to speak?
I TRAVEL ON THE TRAIN TO WIMBLEDON
I travel on the train to Wimbledon
It’s the best station by far for me
As you can change for the Overground
Underground and Wombleing free
I THINK THAT THEIR NAME IS AN MISNOMER
I think that their name is an misnomer
If the Borrowers never return anything.
In fact I would go as far to say they’re
Little more than a criminal enterprise ring
WHY DID THE BROKEN CLOCK
Why did the broken clock
Cross the road without pause to stop?
Well it’s a no brainer really
It was to get to the second hand shop
IF JM BARRIE HAD WRITTEN SMUT
If JM Barrie had written smut
About all the titillation and joys
His classic tale would have been
Peter Porn and The Lust Boys
MY FATHER IN LAW IS A PHYSICIST
My father in law is a Physicist
Who is oblivious to culinary tips
He is too focussed on his work
So he lives on Fission chips
FAIRY TALE’S RESPUN # 5
The classic tale of Goldilocks
Should never have included Bears
The Girl was gay so it was actually
Goldilocks and the Three Mares
A Little Bit Of Humour # 129
MY SON JOKES ABOUT MY AGE # 6
My son jokes about my age
His humour is very severe
He says that when I was at school
I sat next to Shakespeare
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 379
Little Bo Peep
Has lost her sheep
But in truth
She does care a peep
She prefers ram’s
Does Little Hoe Peep
FAIRY TALE’S RESPUN # 4
He bragged about a conquest
Of a slender, older sylph
But of course no one believed
The boy who Cried MILF!
DISNEY HAVE GOT INTO PORN # 4
Disney have got into porn
It had to happen of course
Beauty and the Beast is the movie
And the beast is hung like a horse
THE BOY WHO CRIED WOLF
The boy who cried Wolf
Continued to get beaten on
And that’s because it wasn’t
The safe word they agreed on
WHY IS THE EMPEROR NAKED?
Why is the Emperor Naked?
Well I heard from one who knows
It’s to do with the company he keeps
Namely “The Emperor's New Ho’s”
THE LITTLE ENGINE
The Little Engine that could
Lost his cherry in a shed
So now they call him
The Little Engine that did.
TWO FONTS WALKED INTO A BAR
Two fonts walked into a bar and were told,
“Sorry, you will have to leave I fear
But please don’t take it personally
We just don't serve your type in here”
AT A FANCY DRESS PARTY
At a fancy dress party, my mate
Went dressed as a car number plate
What a guy he’s an absolute “Ledge”
And to top it all his name is Reg
I UPSET MY GRANDDAUGHTER
I upset my granddaughter
When she stayed recently
I made a faux pas, as I thought
That Pepper Pig was a recipe
WHEN MY GIRLFRIEND DUMPED ME
When my girlfriend dumped me
I engaged in the revenge porn fad
I posted naked pictures of myself
To show what low standards she had
G-SPOT
There was supposed to be
A documentary last night on Cable
It was all about the g-spot
I did try to find it, but I wasn’t able
My son jokes about my age
His humour is very severe
He says that when I was at school
I sat next to Shakespeare
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 379
Little Bo Peep
Has lost her sheep
But in truth
She does care a peep
She prefers ram’s
Does Little Hoe Peep
FAIRY TALE’S RESPUN # 4
He bragged about a conquest
Of a slender, older sylph
But of course no one believed
The boy who Cried MILF!
DISNEY HAVE GOT INTO PORN # 4
Disney have got into porn
It had to happen of course
Beauty and the Beast is the movie
And the beast is hung like a horse
THE BOY WHO CRIED WOLF
The boy who cried Wolf
Continued to get beaten on
And that’s because it wasn’t
The safe word they agreed on
WHY IS THE EMPEROR NAKED?
Why is the Emperor Naked?
Well I heard from one who knows
It’s to do with the company he keeps
Namely “The Emperor's New Ho’s”
THE LITTLE ENGINE
The Little Engine that could
Lost his cherry in a shed
So now they call him
The Little Engine that did.
TWO FONTS WALKED INTO A BAR
Two fonts walked into a bar and were told,
“Sorry, you will have to leave I fear
But please don’t take it personally
We just don't serve your type in here”
AT A FANCY DRESS PARTY
At a fancy dress party, my mate
Went dressed as a car number plate
What a guy he’s an absolute “Ledge”
And to top it all his name is Reg
I UPSET MY GRANDDAUGHTER
I upset my granddaughter
When she stayed recently
I made a faux pas, as I thought
That Pepper Pig was a recipe
WHEN MY GIRLFRIEND DUMPED ME
When my girlfriend dumped me
I engaged in the revenge porn fad
I posted naked pictures of myself
To show what low standards she had
G-SPOT
There was supposed to be
A documentary last night on Cable
It was all about the g-spot
I did try to find it, but I wasn’t able
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