Lifes Infinate Variety

AS IVAN ILLICH ONCE WROTE

As Ivan Illich once wrote,
A man clearly cleverer than me
Who stated that within
A consumer society
There are inevitably
Two kinds of slaves
The prisoners of addiction
And the prisoners of envy

MEASURE YOUR LIFE BY THE QUANTITY OF SMILES

Measure your life by the quantity of smiles,
And forget the tears
Measure your age by the quality of friends,
And forget the passing years

THE NEEDLES

The needles lie half submerged
Like bleached skeletal vertebrae
Of a long dead sunken beast
That once basked in Alum bay

AS I'VE GROWN OLDER

As I've grown older
I don't question
Myself anymore
I’ve learned to accept
Things about me,
My own shortcomings,
I’ve forgiven myself
I don’t second guess
Or criticise
I even like myself
Like a friend

I’VE LOST TOO MANY

I’ve lost too many
Nearest and dearest
Friends and families
I’ve watched as they
Left this world
One by one.
Each one gone too soon
Before they came to terms
With themselves
As I have done
And felt as free as I

SHE KNOWS NO OTHER COMPANY

She knows no other company
Than her own,
Her only friends
Are heroes and heroines
Of the classic tales
Or message boards
And chat rooms
She never sleeps
And spends her time
Dancing to the old tunes
And weeping over lost love

WHEN I WAS YOUNG

When I was young
I was self-conscious
Walking on the beach
With my shirt off
Now I walk
To the water’s edge
With my abused body
Bulging over my speedos
And I go slowly and deliberately
To the waves
In an act of defiance
And I feel great

Facets Of War

THE OLD SOLDIER

I don’t bitch and moan
About growing old
To me it’s a privilege
One which was denied to so many
My fallen pals
And the countless foe
Those who never left
The bloody field
Or succumbed to their wounds
Never to return
To a sweethearts arms
Or to sit beside the home fire
So I bare the pains of age
With stoicism
And thank all that’s holy
For my long life
And the fruits of longevity
And keep the memory
In my heart for all the fallen youth
Until I re-join them

INTO THE LANDING CRAFT

As he climbed
Into the landing craft
He was afraid
But not of death
Or of injury
But of fear itself
A paralysing fear
Rendering him inert
Leaving him unable
To do his duty
But above all else
His greatest fear
Was that he would
Let down his lads

PACIFISM IS A NOBLE IDEAL

Pacifism is a noble ideal
A heartfelt principle
Yet when the foul poison
Of the Nazi doctrines
Leached into the world
An internal struggle began
Was the cause to defeat fascism
Greater than pacifist principles
Many took the position
War was the lesser of two evils
But not a decision taken lightly

A Little Bit Of Humour # 66

I DON’T THINK OF YOU AS OLD

I don’t think of you as old
And what I say to everybody
Is you're just a young girl
Trapped in an old ladies body

YOU SHOULD BE MORE CAREFUL

You should be more careful
I’ve told you before
Sitting in candlelight
Makes you look like Skeletor

LIFE BEGINS AT 40 # 2

Don’t be scared of being Forty
Meet the milestone with defiance
You’re no really forty, but eighteen
With twenty two years of experience!

THE PROBLEM WITH LYING ABOUT YOUR AGE

The problem with lying about your age
It’s not the deception you deplore
It’s when they all believe you and
You regret not knocking off some more

THE BIG FIVE ZERO # 2

At the age of fifty you're officially
Over the hill, but worse than that
You are partway down the other side
Sorry if that leaves you flat

THE BIG FIVE ZERO # 3

Happy fiftieth birthday
I’m sorry but it has to be said
If they were dog years
You’d already be dead

WHEN I WAS YOUNG I WAS A BIT OF A LAD

When I was young I was a bit of a lad
But now life has caught up with me
It used to be wine, women and song
Now it's beer, the old lady and TV

WHY IS IT WHEN TWO PEOPLE MARRY?

Why is it when two people marry?
It is predestined for him
To never remember birthdays
And for her to never forget them

THE BEST YEARS OF A WOMAN'S LIFE

The best years of a woman's life
Are the ones she feels naughty
And it’s those ten special years
Between thirty nine and forty

MILESTONE 60 # 3

I know it’s a big one
But remember this please
Age really isn't important
Unless you are cheese

I’M QUITE A PHILOSOPHICAL PERSON

I’m quite a philosophical person
So I don’t get phased and accept what life gives
So I think Birthdays are good for you;
Because the more you have the longer you live

DON’T FRET ABOUT GETTING OLD

Don’t fret about getting old
Be philosophical instead
Age is really just a number
Old is only in your head

I GOT A DUAL PURPOSE BIRTHDAY CARD

I got a dual purpose birthday card
The intention was well meant
For a person of your advancing years
With its very high fibre content

WELL YOU’VE REACHED AN AGE

Well you’ve reached an age
So have a happy birthday
So now really spoil yourself
And take two naps today

THINK ABOUT GLOBAL WARNING

Think about global warning
When you look at your cake
Lighting all those candles
Would be a very big mistake

A Little Bit Of Humour # 65

STAR STRUCK

A contagion struck down
Quentin Tarantino
Now he’s in the hospital
In a tent in quarantino

IF FOOTBALLERS SPENT MORE TIME

If footballers spent more time
Training and practising their skills
Instead of feeling the sting
Of the tattoo artists drills
They would gain the fans respect
Instead of looking like utter pills

FORTY IS THE OLD AGE OF YOUTH

Forty is the old age of youth
Which all sounds very sage
Whereas after another decade
Fifty is the youth of old age

THE BIG FIVE ZERO # 1

You may be 50
But don’t worry, yet
You’re not over the hill
So don’t you fret
There is nothing to fear
It’s only a number you know
It’s not as if overnight
You’ve lost your get up and go
It’s just a number, Happy Birthday.
It is a big number though

LIFE BEGINS AT 40 # 1

You may be 40
But don’t worry, yet
You’re not over the hill
So don’t you fret
There is nothing to fear
It’s only a number you know
You won’t suddenly get all wrinkly
Or ache from head to toe
It’s just a number, Happy Birthday.
You do look old though

OF COURSE YOU'RE NOT OLD

Of course you're not old
Stop making a fuss
You’ve just been young
Longer than most of us.

MILESTONE 60 # 1

You may be 60
But don’t worry, yet
You’re not over the hill
So don’t you fret
There is nothing to fear
It’s only a number you know
Think of it as ripening
Don't think of it as a blow,
You won't suddenly look haggard
That happened long ago
It’s just a number, Happy Birthday.
You are an age though

FOR YOUR BIRTHDAY

Would you like a home cooked meal?
And perhaps a good bottle of wine?
Good I phoned your mother
She said tomorrow at hers is fine

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MOTHER DEAR # 1

Happy Birthday, mother dear
May all your wishes come true this year
Apart from the one I will not grant
That one that involves me being pregnant

ENJOY YOUR BIRTHDAY THIS YEAR BY ALL MEANS

Enjoy your birthday this year by all means
Don’t do anything embarrassing at the do
After all you don't have quite as much time
Left to live this one down as you used to.

YES OF COURSE YOU'RE TWENTY NINE

Yes of course you're twenty nine
It’s so totally believable
With me being twenty three
I am naturally a little gullible.

I HEARD ON THE GRAPEVINE THAT YOUR BIRTHDAY

I heard on the grapevine that your birthday
Was cancelled due to lack of aging!
But now I give you a closer look
I can see that they were exaggerating

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MOTHER DEAR # 2

Happy birthday, mother dear
But your dreams won’t come true I fear
The one about the ten grandchildren
I’m gay and I thought I’d made that clear

I UNDERSTAND THAT GETTING OLD TODAY

I understand that getting old today
Can be quite scary, at first anyway
But what's it like now would you say?

MILESTONE 60 # 2

Ok I have to admit it, it’s only fair
I do tend to fall asleep in the chair
But my snoring is really not that bad
Just wait until you’re old like your dad

A Little Bit Of Humour # 64

THE LATEST FOOD SCANDAL

The latest food scandal
Has been the subject of scorn
When Veggie burgers were
Found to contain uni quorn

I LOVE ANAGRAMS # 17

I love anagrams
Anagrams are great
Some make me chuckle
Some make me glum
For example
Hamburgers = Shergars Bum


IN WHICH DIRECTION WILL THE SUN RISE TODAY

“In which direction will the sun rise today?”
At first her question was met with silence
But he explained it always rose in the east
She said “I can’t keep up with all that science”

MY GIRLFRIEND GOT SUNBURNT

My girlfriend got sunburnt
I asked why she didn’t use lotion
She thought she was safe
If her convertible was in motion

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 329

Go to bed first,
A golden purse,
Go to bed second,
A golden pheasant,
Go to bed third,
And be extremely embarrassed
By what you find the other two doing

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 330

If wishes were horses,
Beggars would ride.
If turnips were watches,
I would wear one by my side.
Or buy a knock off
From the Veg market

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 331

Needles and pins
Needles and pins
When a man marries
His life begins.
Buttons and bows
Buttons and bows
When she marries
Her workload grows

ARE YOU WEARING A CONTROL BODY?

Are you wearing a control body?
It’s shaped you very well clearly
But what I want to know is
What shape are you really?

PICKUP # 13

When you’re on the pull
If you want to break the ice
Say something funny
Or say something nice
Be complimentary
Or just lie in your endeavour
Be devastatingly witty
Or say something clever
“Well Baby I don’t mind saying
The way you wear that frock,
That I'm no Fred Flintstone,
But I could make your Bedrock!”

PICKUP # 14

When you’re on the pull
If you want to break the ice
Say something funny
Or say something nice
Be complimentary
Or just lie in your endeavour
Be devastatingly witty
Or say something clever
“Hey honey I can tell straight away
You’re from Tennessee?
And I know that because
You’re the only ten I see!”

SINCE THE FINANCIAL CRASH

Since the financial crash, strict conditions
Must be met before a mortgage is allowed
And some form of insurance is required
And men should be well endowed

I WOULD LIKE TO SHATTER A POPULAR MYTH

I would like to shatter a popular myth
If anyone out there actually cares
It’s in regard to steroids which
Don’t secure the carpet on the stairs

I WAS TOLD ARTIFICIAL INSEMINATION WAS

I was told artificial insemination was
When the farmer gave Toro a bit of a pull
Before he does it to the cow instead
But I’m sure that that has to be bull

CONTRARY TO POPULAR BELIEF

Contrary to popular belief
In the USA it needs to be said
That a Turbine, is not
What an Arab wears on his head

TODAY’S PROFESSIONAL FOOTBALLERS

I think today’s professional footballers
Worry far too much about their hairstyle
And should pay as much attention to detail
On the training ground once in a while

A Little Bit Of Humour # 63

A QUICK BITE – BRAZIL 2014

Luis Suarez thought the response
To his biting Chiellini quite amazing
He couldn’t understand the outcry
As for a cannibal he was only grazing

I'VE NEVER REALLY DOUBTED YOUR AGE

I've never really doubted your age
But don’t think of it as old age
You were just born ahead of your time!
Way, way, way ahead of your time

CLASSIC, GENUINE AND UNIQUE

They all seem to describe you
As classic, genuine and unique
But what they actually mean is
You’re an original vintage antique

I MAY HAVE GOLD TEETH

I may have gold teeth
Showing when I grin
I may have silver hair
Which is going thin
I will even confess
That I have bronze skin
But I can say that my pencil
Still has plenty of lead in

MEASURE YOUR LIFE BY THE QUANTITY OF SMILES

Measure your life by the quantity of smiles,
And forget the tears
Measure your age by the quality of friends,
And forget the passing years

THE MARRIAGE IS OVER BETWEEN KEN AND DINAH

The marriage is over between Ken and Dinah
She divorced him for having sex with a minor
But it was not that he practised paedophilia
His lover was a tin miner from St Minver

POSH AND BECKS LOOKALIKES

Posh and Becks lookalikes
Could be their twin
But they go by the name
Of Thick and Thin

MY DECISION TO BECOME A DOCTOR

My decision to become a doctor
Even though it helped me burgeon
Raised more than a few eyebrows
But then I am a plastic surgeon

ARE YOU WEARING A BOOB TUBE?

Are you wearing a boob tube?
It’s not to my own personal taste
Mainly because I suppose
You’re wearing it around your waist

HOMO ERECTUS

When I get up in the morning gloom
I head straight for the bathroom
Although as I emerge from my coma
Straight is perhaps a misnomer
As I begin in a dwarf like state
Like a prehistoric primate
Becoming upright when I can
So I look like the evolution of man

MORAL DILEMMA

Two men were discussing moral issues
Surrounding the dating game
“I didn't sleep with my wife before
We got married” one explained
“Did you?” he asked the other
“I don’t know, what was her name?”

CHIRRUPING CRICKETS

Chirruping Crickets
Foxes in the thicket
With croaking frogs
And barking dogs
Screeching bats
And yowling cats
We left the ugly city
For peaceful and pretty
Well the country life
Is nothing but strife

FEARFUL BEASTS

I stood stock still and
Feared for my nadgers
When in the presence
Of the honey badgers

HORSE MEAT BURGERS

Horse meat burgers
Are healthier by far
They’re lower in fat
But high in Shergar

ECONOMICAL WITH THE TRUTH

She tells everyone
She’s not even thirty
She’s cute and curvy
Flirty and quirky
Hot and spicy
Pert and perky
A little bit saucy
A little bit dirty
But she must be
Five and thirty

PICKUP # 12

When you’re on the pull
If you want to break the ice
Say something funny
Or say something nice
Be complimentary
Or just lie in your endeavour
Be devastatingly witty
Or say something clever
“Hey baby did you clean
Your pants with Glass Gem?
Because I can practically
See myself in them”

A Little Bit Of Humour # 62

THE CANNIBAL OF AJAX – BRAZIL 2014

Whether you call him Lucho
Or El Pistolero
Or the cannibal of Ajax
Or even El Conejo
Suarez needs to understand
Biting people is a no no

ROSE HIT VIOLET

Rose hit Violet
Right in the kisser
He has a big mouth
So Rose couldn’t miss her

A MAN WAS TALKING TO AN ACQUAINTANCE

A man was talking to an acquaintance
About the level of maintenance
Required on the average dwelling
Guttering, painting and gardening
The list was endless on their houses
And they admired the work of their spouses

MY HUSBAND HAS LOST THE PLOT

My husband has lost the plot
It’s the worst he’s been so far
He tried to change the TV
Channel with a chocolate bar

PLAYING "COLONEL BOGEY"

Playing "colonel bogey"
I hear the chimes call
Come get an ice cream
Come one and come all
Nothing says it quite like
"Hitler has only got one ball".

MULTITASKING MRS

If women are so good at Multitasking
And men’s failure to is such a crime
Why can’t my wife answer a question?
And watch Corrie at the same time

MY WIFE CAN MULTITASK

My wife can multitask
And here’s the reason and rhyme
She can only multitask
If she does one job at a time

ONE OF THE TEAMS AT THE OLYMPICS

One of the teams at the Olympics
Made a clean sweep good and proper
Taking the Gold, Silver and bronze
As well as all the lead and copper

DID YOU JUST FALL FROM HEAVEN?

“Did you just fall from heaven?”
He asked flattering her just a bit
Yes she replied “I fell from heaven
Then I landed on another soft shit?”

ARE YOU WEARING A MOOB TUBE?

Are you wearing a moob tube?
Well I can’t think what else it could be
Why would you be wearing a life belt?
When we’re seventy miles from the sea

ONLY LIE ABOUT YOUR AGE

Only lie about your age,
In the event of an emergency
For example when you are asked
How old you are sweetie

AT MY ADVANCED AGE

At my advanced age
I've seen it all
I've heard it all
And I’ve done it all
The only problem is
I can remember bugger all

INSIDE EVERY OLDER PERSON

Someone said to me that
Inside every older person
There is a young person.
But isn’t that cannibalism?

ARE YOU WEARING A SHROUD?

Are you wearing a shroud?
Well I think you should be
Because I think you look like
Death warmed up to me

THERE ARE ONLY TWO OPTIONS

There are only two options
In my personal view
So what do you want to do?
You can either continue
To get older or you can die
So stop feeling sorry for yourself
And enjoy your birthday do

PICKUP # 11

When you’re on the pull
If you want to break the ice
Say something funny
Or say something nice
Be complimentary
Or just lie in your endeavour
Be devastatingly witty
Or say something clever
“I’m a Doctor, Dr Love
And you know how they say
The skin is the largest organ?
Not in my case, by a long way”