ARE YOU WEARING ANGEL’S WINGS?
Are you wearing angel’s wings?
As someone’s special surprise
I hope you’re not too angelic
And you’re a Devil in disguise
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 310
Mary had a camper van
She took it to the wood
She said that I could come
But I misunderstood
I WAS ONCE A MEDICAL STUDENT # 4
I was once a medical student
But they had to send me home
I thought that a “seizure”
Was an Emperor of Rome
THEY’D NEVER HEARD OF YOGURT
They’d never heard of yogurt
When my Mum was young
And putting it on your privates
Would’ve got you hung
RETIRED PEOPLE DON’T CARE BEING
Retired people don’t care being
Called Pensioners on any account
Because the name pensioner comes
With a concessionary discount
PUT DOWN # 53
Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
If he starts spinning you a line
Just Say if his patter doesn’t pass
“Don’t make me go psycho bitch
On your annoying little ass”
A DOCTOR DROWNED IN A WATER HOLE
A doctor drowned in a water hole
Which goes to prove at any rate
He should have thought about the sick
And left the well alone mate
THEY JUST KEEP ON TALKING
They just keep on talking
Long after people are
No longer interested
So we should pity the teacher
SOME PEOPLE NEED TO EXTRACT
Some people need to extract
Their finger out of their butt again
To get some much needed
Oxygen to their brain
WISE OLD SAGE
It was previously said
By a very wise man
“I don’t know
Ask a woman”
I ORDERED A BURGER AND FRIES
I ordered a burger and fries
Even though I know it’s all full of fat
but the girl behind the counter
Said “would you like fries with that?”
WHEN PEOPLE WALK INTO YOUR LIFE
When people walk into your life
You can’t always control who
But you can control which window
You throw them threw
POP-UPS
Life is full of people
Who “pop in” or “pop out”
But if we were meant to “pop”
We’d all live in toasters
TWO PSYCHICS
Two psychics stopped and the first one said
As by chance they happened to meet
“You're feeling good today. How am I?”
As they met one another in the street
ARE YOU WEARING TARTY GARB?
Are you wearing tarty garb?
Well I will say this for a start
You might well get picked up
But no one wants to date a tart
Sunday 13 April 2014
A Little Bit Of Humour # 40
ARE YOU WEARING A MONOCLE?
Are you wearing a monocle?
Can I ask the reason why?
You can still wear spectacles
Even if you have a glass eye
I WAS ONCE A MEDICAL STUDENT # 3
I was once a medical student
But I didn’t really try
When asked about the “fibula”
I thought it was a small lie
THERE’S A DOWNSIDE TO RETIREMENT
There’s a downside to retirement
And I think there is only the one
Which is that despite all the extra time
Everything still doesn’t get done
PUT DOWN # 52
Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
If he starts spinning you a line
Just say if you tire of his fawning
Did you eat a bowl of stupid
For breakfast this morning?
THE INTERNET CAN BE A CURSE AND NOT A BLESSING
The internet can be a curse and not a blessing
For example the gambling sites on the net
Where eager Gamblers don’t even need
To put on a shirt in order to lose it on a bet
MY SATNAV HAS AUDIBLE ALARMS
My Satnav has audible alarms
They make each journey fraught
So I think I’ll trade it in
And buy the silent sort
MULTITASKING IS A MYTH
Multitasking is a myth,
It doesn’t work sadly
Multitasking just means
Doing lots of things badly
HE WAS THROWN OUT OF A BAR
He was thrown out of a bar
For inappropriate behaviour
And was given a whack
He pointed at the sign
Which read “liquor at the front”
And “poker in the back”
AFTER HER EXAMINATION
After her examination
The doctor said
"I can find no reason
For the pain in your head
Now let me see the thing
That gets ladies in distress”
At which point the lady
Lifted up her dress
And started to remove
All her underwear
At first all he could do
Was stand and stare
But then caused the doctor
To loudly shout
“No don’t take them off
Just stick your tongue out"
SENIOR PHARMACY
When I go to the chemist
The cost is beyond belief
And everything in my basket
Says it’s for fast relief
SUPERSEX
“Supersex” the old lady said
To the seniors group
And in reply they chorused
"We'll take the soup"
IF I’VE LEARNED ANYTHING IN MY LIFE
If I’ve learned anything in my life
It is that you should take a chance
And nobody cares if you can't dance well
Just get on the floor and dance
THE UPSIDE OF BEING CLINICALLY OBESE
The upside of being clinically obese
To the point of being handicapped
Is that it makes it significantly more
Difficult to be forcibly kidnapped
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 309
Mary had a little van
She had it all last summer
But now her little van
Has turned into a Hummer
ARE YOU WEARING PINCE NEZ?
Are you wearing pince nez?
Do I think they suit you? In truth no
As you’re a thirty four stone woman
Who is never going to look like Poirot
Are you wearing a monocle?
Can I ask the reason why?
You can still wear spectacles
Even if you have a glass eye
I WAS ONCE A MEDICAL STUDENT # 3
I was once a medical student
But I didn’t really try
When asked about the “fibula”
I thought it was a small lie
THERE’S A DOWNSIDE TO RETIREMENT
There’s a downside to retirement
And I think there is only the one
Which is that despite all the extra time
Everything still doesn’t get done
PUT DOWN # 52
Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
If he starts spinning you a line
Just say if you tire of his fawning
Did you eat a bowl of stupid
For breakfast this morning?
THE INTERNET CAN BE A CURSE AND NOT A BLESSING
The internet can be a curse and not a blessing
For example the gambling sites on the net
Where eager Gamblers don’t even need
To put on a shirt in order to lose it on a bet
MY SATNAV HAS AUDIBLE ALARMS
My Satnav has audible alarms
They make each journey fraught
So I think I’ll trade it in
And buy the silent sort
MULTITASKING IS A MYTH
Multitasking is a myth,
It doesn’t work sadly
Multitasking just means
Doing lots of things badly
HE WAS THROWN OUT OF A BAR
He was thrown out of a bar
For inappropriate behaviour
And was given a whack
He pointed at the sign
Which read “liquor at the front”
And “poker in the back”
AFTER HER EXAMINATION
After her examination
The doctor said
"I can find no reason
For the pain in your head
Now let me see the thing
That gets ladies in distress”
At which point the lady
Lifted up her dress
And started to remove
All her underwear
At first all he could do
Was stand and stare
But then caused the doctor
To loudly shout
“No don’t take them off
Just stick your tongue out"
SENIOR PHARMACY
When I go to the chemist
The cost is beyond belief
And everything in my basket
Says it’s for fast relief
SUPERSEX
“Supersex” the old lady said
To the seniors group
And in reply they chorused
"We'll take the soup"
IF I’VE LEARNED ANYTHING IN MY LIFE
If I’ve learned anything in my life
It is that you should take a chance
And nobody cares if you can't dance well
Just get on the floor and dance
THE UPSIDE OF BEING CLINICALLY OBESE
The upside of being clinically obese
To the point of being handicapped
Is that it makes it significantly more
Difficult to be forcibly kidnapped
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 309
Mary had a little van
She had it all last summer
But now her little van
Has turned into a Hummer
ARE YOU WEARING PINCE NEZ?
Are you wearing pince nez?
Do I think they suit you? In truth no
As you’re a thirty four stone woman
Who is never going to look like Poirot
A Little Bit Of Humour # 39
ARE YOU WEARING LENSES?
Are you wearing lenses?
To hide your sensual eyes
They don’t make you more
Beautiful, it’s just disguise
I WAS ONCE A MEDICAL STUDENT # 2
I was once a medical student
And asked to name a major illness
Associated with smoking cigarettes
I was wrong with premature death
MY SATNAV IS WORSE THAN MY WIFE
My satnav is worse than my wife
Telling me how to drive
If the limits thirty miles an hour
It nags me I’m doing thirty five
A FOREIGN STUDENT FROM CALCUTTA # 2
A foreign student from Calcutta
Accidentally snorted curry powder
Thinking it was cocaine the silly duffer
He survived but he’s got a dicky Tikka
WHEN WIMPY PREVAILED
When I was just a young man
Wimpy houses were prevailing
And a Big Mac was something
We wore when it was raining
HOW MANY PENSIONERS DOES IT TAKE?
How many pensioners does it take?
To change a light bulb that’s blown
Only one, but it might take all day
To get around to it on their own
ONE OF THE GREAT BENEFICIAL # 2
One of the great beneficial
Things after you retire
Is that Tied shoes
Are considered formal attire
JOSHUA DID HIS MULTIPLICATION
Joshua did his multiplication
Homework on the kitchen floor
Because he was apparently
Told not to use tables anymore
THE INTERNATIONAL SAILING RESULTS ARE IN
The international sailing results are in
The GB took the gold medal once again
While Somalia took a middle aged couple
who were on holiday from Colerain
PUT DOWN # 51
Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
If he starts spinning you a line
Say to him if boredom persists
"The fact that no one understands you
Doesn’t mean that you're an artist."
IS THE INTERNET A BLESSING OR A CURSE?
Is the internet a blessing or a curse?
As a medium for interaction it fine
But paedophiles operate in comfort
As they stalk their victims online
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 308
Mary had a little van
She also had a mini
I never saw her little van
But I have seen her mini
HORSEY CLAIRE BALDING
Horsey Claire Balding
Is always with a nag
I think she looks like
Stephen Fry in drag
MARRIAGE HAS BEEN A VERY BUMPY RIDE
Marriage has been a very bumpy ride
Since we joined in Holy Deadlock
And the little lady’s never happier
Than when she has me in a headlock
ARE YOU WEARING COLOURED LENSES?
Are you wearing coloured lenses?
If you’re not then what that means is
At the risk of sounding a cynic
You should visit the walk in eye clinic
Are you wearing lenses?
To hide your sensual eyes
They don’t make you more
Beautiful, it’s just disguise
I WAS ONCE A MEDICAL STUDENT # 2
I was once a medical student
And asked to name a major illness
Associated with smoking cigarettes
I was wrong with premature death
MY SATNAV IS WORSE THAN MY WIFE
My satnav is worse than my wife
Telling me how to drive
If the limits thirty miles an hour
It nags me I’m doing thirty five
A FOREIGN STUDENT FROM CALCUTTA # 2
A foreign student from Calcutta
Accidentally snorted curry powder
Thinking it was cocaine the silly duffer
He survived but he’s got a dicky Tikka
WHEN WIMPY PREVAILED
When I was just a young man
Wimpy houses were prevailing
And a Big Mac was something
We wore when it was raining
HOW MANY PENSIONERS DOES IT TAKE?
How many pensioners does it take?
To change a light bulb that’s blown
Only one, but it might take all day
To get around to it on their own
ONE OF THE GREAT BENEFICIAL # 2
One of the great beneficial
Things after you retire
Is that Tied shoes
Are considered formal attire
JOSHUA DID HIS MULTIPLICATION
Joshua did his multiplication
Homework on the kitchen floor
Because he was apparently
Told not to use tables anymore
THE INTERNATIONAL SAILING RESULTS ARE IN
The international sailing results are in
The GB took the gold medal once again
While Somalia took a middle aged couple
who were on holiday from Colerain
PUT DOWN # 51
Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
If he starts spinning you a line
Say to him if boredom persists
"The fact that no one understands you
Doesn’t mean that you're an artist."
IS THE INTERNET A BLESSING OR A CURSE?
Is the internet a blessing or a curse?
As a medium for interaction it fine
But paedophiles operate in comfort
As they stalk their victims online
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 308
Mary had a little van
She also had a mini
I never saw her little van
But I have seen her mini
HORSEY CLAIRE BALDING
Horsey Claire Balding
Is always with a nag
I think she looks like
Stephen Fry in drag
MARRIAGE HAS BEEN A VERY BUMPY RIDE
Marriage has been a very bumpy ride
Since we joined in Holy Deadlock
And the little lady’s never happier
Than when she has me in a headlock
ARE YOU WEARING COLOURED LENSES?
Are you wearing coloured lenses?
If you’re not then what that means is
At the risk of sounding a cynic
You should visit the walk in eye clinic
Easter Tales
ARE YOU WEARING A HARE PIECE?
Are you wearing a hare piece?
I think that’s really funny
Especially as you are dressed
As the Easter bunny
HOT CROSS BUNS
I’ve always loved hot cross buns
But they give me heartburn
You can eat one and it’s gone
But like the Lord they return
ARE YOU WEARING AN EASTER OUTFIT?
Are you wearing an Easter outfit?
Well you really do look good in it
And it doesn’t look risqué, not a bit
It’s a really cracking little outfit
Though all the emphasis is on the fit
ARE YOU WEARING BUNNY EARS?
Are you wearing bunny ears?
I’m glad you gave them a whirl
I think they really suit you
Will you be my bunny girl?
ARE YOU WEARING A COTTON TAIL?
Are you wearing a cotton tail?
Well you’re a very sexy rabbit
I really like dressing up games
It’s become one of my dirty habits
ARE YOU WEARING IT FOR A GIGGLE?
Are you wearing it for a giggle?
I especially like it when you wiggle
No I’m not staring at your bunny bot
No don’t get self-conscious, I’m not
Like every other red bloodied male
I’m only looking at you cottontail
EASTER ISN’T JUST ABOUT EASTER EGGS
Easter isn’t just about Easter eggs
I have a far deeper meaning in mind
Easter marks the death and resurrection
Of the saviour of all mankind
Are you wearing a hare piece?
I think that’s really funny
Especially as you are dressed
As the Easter bunny
HOT CROSS BUNS
I’ve always loved hot cross buns
But they give me heartburn
You can eat one and it’s gone
But like the Lord they return
ARE YOU WEARING AN EASTER OUTFIT?
Are you wearing an Easter outfit?
Well you really do look good in it
And it doesn’t look risqué, not a bit
It’s a really cracking little outfit
Though all the emphasis is on the fit
ARE YOU WEARING BUNNY EARS?
Are you wearing bunny ears?
I’m glad you gave them a whirl
I think they really suit you
Will you be my bunny girl?
ARE YOU WEARING A COTTON TAIL?
Are you wearing a cotton tail?
Well you’re a very sexy rabbit
I really like dressing up games
It’s become one of my dirty habits
ARE YOU WEARING IT FOR A GIGGLE?
Are you wearing it for a giggle?
I especially like it when you wiggle
No I’m not staring at your bunny bot
No don’t get self-conscious, I’m not
Like every other red bloodied male
I’m only looking at you cottontail
EASTER ISN’T JUST ABOUT EASTER EGGS
Easter isn’t just about Easter eggs
I have a far deeper meaning in mind
Easter marks the death and resurrection
Of the saviour of all mankind
Eastertide
IT’S LENT ONCE AGAIN
It’s Lent once again
That time of year
To de-clutter, A time
To tidy and clear
But it’s not the time
To tidy the garden shed
The garage or the loft
Or even under the bed
Lent is the time when
Spring cleaning begins
When we cleanse our souls
And wash away our sins
HOLY WEEK
Holy Week
Is the last week of Lent
Which precedes Easter
Starting on Lazarus Saturday
It includes Palm Sunday
Maundy Thursday
And Good Friday
And ends on Holy Saturday
LAZARUS SATURDAY
Lazarus Saturday
Is the day preceding
Palm Sunday
Which celebrates the raising
Of Lazarus of Bethany
A day of joy and triumph
Which begins Holy Week
PASCHAL MYSTERY
The Paschal Mystery
Is a concept
Central to Christian belief
When God the Father
Sent his only Son to Earth
To accomplish man’s salvation
Via the passion, death,
And Resurrection
Of Jesus Christ
PALM SUNDAY OF THE PASSION OF THE LORD
With the Roman Rite
Of Palm Sunday
Or Passion Sunday
Holy Week begins
Marking the humble entrance
Of the Messiah
Into Jerusalem on a donkey,
So he could accomplish
His paschal mystery,
But Palm Sunday
Also marks with the
Blessing of palm leaves
The beginning
Of his journey to the cross
EASTERTIDE
Eastertide or Paschaltide
Is a festal season
That begins on Easter Sunday
And lasts for fifty days
Ending on Pentecost Sunday
Celebrated throughout
The Christian world
As a single joyful feast
ONE OF THE TWELVE - JUDAS ISCARIOT
One of the twelve
Judas Iscariot
The betrayer
The taker of coins
The lost soul
Satan’s pawn
Hanged himself
Replaced as an apostle
By Matthias
HOLY MONDAY
Holy Monday is
The Third day of holy week
Is notable for several reason
We are told in The Gospels
That amongst other things
The cursing of the fig tree
The questioning of Jesus' authority
And the Cleansing of the Temple
All took place on Holy Monday
HOLY WEDNESDAY
In Western Christianity,
Holy Wednesday
Is the Wednesday before Easter
The fifth day of holy week
Often called "Spy Wednesday",
To mark the betrayal of Jesus
By his apostle Judas Iscariot
And on Holy Wednesday
He first conspired with the Sanhedrin
To betray the Lord
For thirty pieces of silver
MAUNDY THURSDAY
Maundy Thursday
The sixth day of Holy week
Which remembers the Maundy
The day when Jesus
Washed the feet of his disciples
As well as the last supper
On the feast of Passover
And marks the start
Of the Easter Triduum,
That commemorates
The passion, death,
And resurrection of Christ
FOR A FEW SILVER COINS
One of the twelve
Chosen Apostles
Possessed of Evil?
Or pawn of Christ
Judas Iscariot met
High Priest Caiaphas
And left the temple
With the Sanhedrin bribe
“Thirty pieces of silver”
Bought an apostle
And Christ’s fate was sealed
For after the last supper
In the gardens of Gethsemane
Judas Iscariot delivered
His kiss of betrayal
Condemning them both
By that single act
To an untimely death
Judas by his own hand
And Christ on the cross
GOOD FRIDAY
Good Friday
Marks the day
The Temple Guards
Aided by the Judas kiss
Arrested Jesus
At Gethsemane
Also his interrogation
By High Priest Caiaphas
And the Sanhedrin
Who condemned him to death
Before conveying him before
The Roman governor
Pontius Pilate
Who with reluctance
Ordered his crucifixion
At the place of the Skull
HOLY SATURDAY
Holy Saturday
Is not a Mass
But a time of
Prayer and fasting
And meditating on Christ’s
Passion and Death
His Descent into Hell
And his Resurrection
EASTER VIGIL
The Easter Vigil,
Is the longest and most solemn
It begins after sundown
With The Service of Light
When a new fire is kindled
Symbolising the Light of salvation
Which is used to light
The Paschal candle
Symbolising the Light of Christ
Reminding all that
Christ is Light and life
EASTER SUNDAY
Easter Sunday
Is the most important date
In the Christian calendar
And Celebrates
The Resurrection
Of Jesus Christ
And beginning
The Great Fifty Days
Of Eastertide
ASCENSION DAY
Ascension Day
Is the fortieth day
Of Eastertide
And celebrates
With great solemnity
The Ascension of the Lord
PENTECOST SUNDAY
Pentecost Sunday is
The Feast of Weeks
White Sunday
Is the fiftieth day
And Marks the end
Of Eastertide
Celebrating the descent
Of the Holy Spirit
Upon the Apostles
And all followers
Of Jesus Christ
It’s Lent once again
That time of year
To de-clutter, A time
To tidy and clear
But it’s not the time
To tidy the garden shed
The garage or the loft
Or even under the bed
Lent is the time when
Spring cleaning begins
When we cleanse our souls
And wash away our sins
HOLY WEEK
Holy Week
Is the last week of Lent
Which precedes Easter
Starting on Lazarus Saturday
It includes Palm Sunday
Maundy Thursday
And Good Friday
And ends on Holy Saturday
LAZARUS SATURDAY
Lazarus Saturday
Is the day preceding
Palm Sunday
Which celebrates the raising
Of Lazarus of Bethany
A day of joy and triumph
Which begins Holy Week
PASCHAL MYSTERY
The Paschal Mystery
Is a concept
Central to Christian belief
When God the Father
Sent his only Son to Earth
To accomplish man’s salvation
Via the passion, death,
And Resurrection
Of Jesus Christ
PALM SUNDAY OF THE PASSION OF THE LORD
With the Roman Rite
Of Palm Sunday
Or Passion Sunday
Holy Week begins
Marking the humble entrance
Of the Messiah
Into Jerusalem on a donkey,
So he could accomplish
His paschal mystery,
But Palm Sunday
Also marks with the
Blessing of palm leaves
The beginning
Of his journey to the cross
EASTERTIDE
Eastertide or Paschaltide
Is a festal season
That begins on Easter Sunday
And lasts for fifty days
Ending on Pentecost Sunday
Celebrated throughout
The Christian world
As a single joyful feast
ONE OF THE TWELVE - JUDAS ISCARIOT
One of the twelve
Judas Iscariot
The betrayer
The taker of coins
The lost soul
Satan’s pawn
Hanged himself
Replaced as an apostle
By Matthias
HOLY MONDAY
Holy Monday is
The Third day of holy week
Is notable for several reason
We are told in The Gospels
That amongst other things
The cursing of the fig tree
The questioning of Jesus' authority
And the Cleansing of the Temple
All took place on Holy Monday
HOLY WEDNESDAY
In Western Christianity,
Holy Wednesday
Is the Wednesday before Easter
The fifth day of holy week
Often called "Spy Wednesday",
To mark the betrayal of Jesus
By his apostle Judas Iscariot
And on Holy Wednesday
He first conspired with the Sanhedrin
To betray the Lord
For thirty pieces of silver
MAUNDY THURSDAY
Maundy Thursday
The sixth day of Holy week
Which remembers the Maundy
The day when Jesus
Washed the feet of his disciples
As well as the last supper
On the feast of Passover
And marks the start
Of the Easter Triduum,
That commemorates
The passion, death,
And resurrection of Christ
FOR A FEW SILVER COINS
One of the twelve
Chosen Apostles
Possessed of Evil?
Or pawn of Christ
Judas Iscariot met
High Priest Caiaphas
And left the temple
With the Sanhedrin bribe
“Thirty pieces of silver”
Bought an apostle
And Christ’s fate was sealed
For after the last supper
In the gardens of Gethsemane
Judas Iscariot delivered
His kiss of betrayal
Condemning them both
By that single act
To an untimely death
Judas by his own hand
And Christ on the cross
GOOD FRIDAY
Good Friday
Marks the day
The Temple Guards
Aided by the Judas kiss
Arrested Jesus
At Gethsemane
Also his interrogation
By High Priest Caiaphas
And the Sanhedrin
Who condemned him to death
Before conveying him before
The Roman governor
Pontius Pilate
Who with reluctance
Ordered his crucifixion
At the place of the Skull
HOLY SATURDAY
Holy Saturday
Is not a Mass
But a time of
Prayer and fasting
And meditating on Christ’s
Passion and Death
His Descent into Hell
And his Resurrection
EASTER VIGIL
The Easter Vigil,
Is the longest and most solemn
It begins after sundown
With The Service of Light
When a new fire is kindled
Symbolising the Light of salvation
Which is used to light
The Paschal candle
Symbolising the Light of Christ
Reminding all that
Christ is Light and life
EASTER SUNDAY
Easter Sunday
Is the most important date
In the Christian calendar
And Celebrates
The Resurrection
Of Jesus Christ
And beginning
The Great Fifty Days
Of Eastertide
ASCENSION DAY
Ascension Day
Is the fortieth day
Of Eastertide
And celebrates
With great solemnity
The Ascension of the Lord
PENTECOST SUNDAY
Pentecost Sunday is
The Feast of Weeks
White Sunday
Is the fiftieth day
And Marks the end
Of Eastertide
Celebrating the descent
Of the Holy Spirit
Upon the Apostles
And all followers
Of Jesus Christ
Tuesday 18 March 2014
Tales of Love # 13
DISTANT SUMMER
I look back fondly
Across the years
On that brief affair
So glorious, yet
All too brief
Like a perfect summer
That left its mark
Forever on my heart
RESOLUTE AND STRONG
My love for her
Is resolutely strong
She lifts my heart
Like the sweet song
Of woodland birds
In chorused throng
EVERY CORNER OF THE WORLD (7)
I will sail Around the Cape of Good Hope
where the two great oceans meet
I will follow you to the ends of the earth
Because you’re the only one for me
SHE WAS SO ELEGANT
She was so elegant
And light of step
As if on Angels wings
She was swept
From heavens high
Into my arms
To bless my life
With her charms
MY WIFE IS VERY HOUSE PROUD
My wife is very house proud
A domestic goddess n'est-ce elle pas
She make a Dyson look obsolete
And her food wins a Michelin star
She washes and iron like a Trojan
And keeps the garden tidy and neat
But all this counts for nothing
As I love her because she so sweet
HER BEAUTY WAS LIKE THE SPRING
Her beauty was like the Spring
A smile as warm as Summer sun
Tempestuous like an Autumn gale
And as refreshing as a Winters day
THEIR BODIES LAY ENTWINED
Their bodies lay entwined
As they had so many times before
It was in this final lingering embrace
That she slowly slipped away
LIVE A VERY GOOD LIFE
Live a very good life
Live it honourably and true
And live it to the full
Then I will promise you
That when you look back
As your days begin to wane
And you look back, you’ll
Get to enjoy it all over again
SHE HAS GONE NOW
She has gone now
And has left a hole
Where my heart
Once resided
But her spirit
Is always with me
And hangs in the air
Like a breath of spring
SHE WAS MY COMPASS
She was my compass
And my anchor
She steered me
And held me
She gave me direction
And stability
Without her I am
Lost at sea
And rudderless
I WILL LIFT YOU UP
I will lift you up
On the days
When you are blue
I will reach up
And touch a rainbow
And capture it for you
I WOULD LIKE TO FIND A MOUNTAIN
I would like to find a mountain
Where I can be alone
A place of peace and serenity
A truly tranquil zone
And I will sit and wonder why
You left me on my own
HOW I WAS FOOLED BY YOUR DISGUISE
How I was fooled by your disguise
When at the very start
You had summer in your eyes
But you had winter in your heart
EVERY CORNER OF THE WORLD (8)
From Tierra del Fuegos archipelago
To the land of the rising sun
I will follow you to the ends of the earth
Because for me you’re the only one
GATHER IN THE WOODLAND LILIES
Gather in the woodland lilies
Kissed with natures gentle dew
Lay them on the polished oak
And bid your love a fond adieu
SOFT KISSES, PLANTED
Soft kisses, planted
Like whispers
On expectant lips
Then a smile of coyness
And a blush
The hue of Rose Hips
SHE READ A POEM
She read a poem
Out loud to me
On a quiet afternoon
That touched me,
Awakened me,
Stirred my soul
And my dulled senses
As she read
It flowed over me
Like scented honey
Each word a caress
Each syllable a kiss
A soothing balm
Of evocative beauty
Whose feeling,
In metrical form
Left me unshackled
Releasing me, from
My contented taupe
Free to soar
On poetic wings
THE WORDS FLOWED
The words flowed
like spring melt
Rushing to fill
Every stream of reason
Every rivulet of love
With bitter bile
MY SWEET WORDS OF LOVE
My sweet words of love
Were wasted on her it appears
Because all I got in return
Was the bitter sting of tears
I look back fondly
Across the years
On that brief affair
So glorious, yet
All too brief
Like a perfect summer
That left its mark
Forever on my heart
RESOLUTE AND STRONG
My love for her
Is resolutely strong
She lifts my heart
Like the sweet song
Of woodland birds
In chorused throng
EVERY CORNER OF THE WORLD (7)
I will sail Around the Cape of Good Hope
where the two great oceans meet
I will follow you to the ends of the earth
Because you’re the only one for me
SHE WAS SO ELEGANT
She was so elegant
And light of step
As if on Angels wings
She was swept
From heavens high
Into my arms
To bless my life
With her charms
MY WIFE IS VERY HOUSE PROUD
My wife is very house proud
A domestic goddess n'est-ce elle pas
She make a Dyson look obsolete
And her food wins a Michelin star
She washes and iron like a Trojan
And keeps the garden tidy and neat
But all this counts for nothing
As I love her because she so sweet
HER BEAUTY WAS LIKE THE SPRING
Her beauty was like the Spring
A smile as warm as Summer sun
Tempestuous like an Autumn gale
And as refreshing as a Winters day
THEIR BODIES LAY ENTWINED
Their bodies lay entwined
As they had so many times before
It was in this final lingering embrace
That she slowly slipped away
LIVE A VERY GOOD LIFE
Live a very good life
Live it honourably and true
And live it to the full
Then I will promise you
That when you look back
As your days begin to wane
And you look back, you’ll
Get to enjoy it all over again
SHE HAS GONE NOW
She has gone now
And has left a hole
Where my heart
Once resided
But her spirit
Is always with me
And hangs in the air
Like a breath of spring
SHE WAS MY COMPASS
She was my compass
And my anchor
She steered me
And held me
She gave me direction
And stability
Without her I am
Lost at sea
And rudderless
I WILL LIFT YOU UP
I will lift you up
On the days
When you are blue
I will reach up
And touch a rainbow
And capture it for you
I WOULD LIKE TO FIND A MOUNTAIN
I would like to find a mountain
Where I can be alone
A place of peace and serenity
A truly tranquil zone
And I will sit and wonder why
You left me on my own
HOW I WAS FOOLED BY YOUR DISGUISE
How I was fooled by your disguise
When at the very start
You had summer in your eyes
But you had winter in your heart
EVERY CORNER OF THE WORLD (8)
From Tierra del Fuegos archipelago
To the land of the rising sun
I will follow you to the ends of the earth
Because for me you’re the only one
GATHER IN THE WOODLAND LILIES
Gather in the woodland lilies
Kissed with natures gentle dew
Lay them on the polished oak
And bid your love a fond adieu
SOFT KISSES, PLANTED
Soft kisses, planted
Like whispers
On expectant lips
Then a smile of coyness
And a blush
The hue of Rose Hips
SHE READ A POEM
She read a poem
Out loud to me
On a quiet afternoon
That touched me,
Awakened me,
Stirred my soul
And my dulled senses
As she read
It flowed over me
Like scented honey
Each word a caress
Each syllable a kiss
A soothing balm
Of evocative beauty
Whose feeling,
In metrical form
Left me unshackled
Releasing me, from
My contented taupe
Free to soar
On poetic wings
THE WORDS FLOWED
The words flowed
like spring melt
Rushing to fill
Every stream of reason
Every rivulet of love
With bitter bile
MY SWEET WORDS OF LOVE
My sweet words of love
Were wasted on her it appears
Because all I got in return
Was the bitter sting of tears
A Little Bit Of Humour # 38
ARE YOU WEARING CONTACTS?
Are you wearing contacts?
And a different colour at that
In normal light they look great
But in the dark you look like a cat
WHERE HAVE ALL THE READERS GONE?
Where have all the readers gone, long time passing?
Where have all the readers gone, long time ago?
Where have all the readers gone?
UKAuthors have nicked them everyone.
Oh, when will they ever learn?
Oh, when will they ever learn?
SIX BANNED WHEELCHAIR ATHLETES
Six banned Wheelchair athletes
From the Paralympics team GB
Were found to have tested positive
For WD40
A FOREIGN STUDENT FROM CALCUTTA # 1
A foreign student from Calcutta
Accidentally snorted curry powder
Thinking it was cocaine the silly duffer
He survived but he’s still in a Korma
I DON’T HAVE A SATNAV
I don’t have a Satnav
I don’t need one in my life
l have something better
My Satnav is my wife
THE INTERNET IS A CURSE AND NOT A BLESSING
The internet is a curse and not a blessing
When you develop a habit you can’t stop
And max out all of your credit cards
Without setting foot in a single shop
I WAS ONCE A MEDICAL STUDENT # 1
I was once a medical student
But they had to send me home
As I thought “Caesarean section”
Was a district in Rome
A PENSIONER’S BEDTIME
A pensioner’s bedtime
In retirement is quite informal
Two hours after dozing off
In front of the TV is normal
SAMUEL WAS LATE FOR SCHOOL
Samuel was late for School
“It was the sign” in his defense he said
The teachers asked what sign
“The one that says, “Slow, School Ahead””
PUT DOWN # 50
Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
If he starts spinning you a line
Just say when he quickly bores
“Do you have magical powers?
In this fantasy world of yours?"
AT THE OLYMPICS THE ROMANIANS
At the Olympics the Romanians
Made a clean sweep good and proper
Taking the Gold, Silver and bronze
As well as all the lead and copper
ONE OF THE GREAT BENEFICIAL # 1
One of the great beneficial
Things after you retire
Is that polished shoes
Are considered formal attire
IN HIS TOWN WHEN DAD WAS A BOY
In his town when Dad was a boy
They had a Chinese Chippie
He was a Carpenter from Shanghai
And he was Called Mr Lee
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 307
Saw ye Eppie Marly, honey,
The woman that sells anything, honey?
She's lost her virtue and a' her money,
Wi' following a Goodtime Charlie, honey.
ARE YOU WEARING TINTED LENSES?
Are you wearing tinted lenses?
And the colour of vermillion
In normal light they look great
But at night you look like an alien
Are you wearing contacts?
And a different colour at that
In normal light they look great
But in the dark you look like a cat
WHERE HAVE ALL THE READERS GONE?
Where have all the readers gone, long time passing?
Where have all the readers gone, long time ago?
Where have all the readers gone?
UKAuthors have nicked them everyone.
Oh, when will they ever learn?
Oh, when will they ever learn?
SIX BANNED WHEELCHAIR ATHLETES
Six banned Wheelchair athletes
From the Paralympics team GB
Were found to have tested positive
For WD40
A FOREIGN STUDENT FROM CALCUTTA # 1
A foreign student from Calcutta
Accidentally snorted curry powder
Thinking it was cocaine the silly duffer
He survived but he’s still in a Korma
I DON’T HAVE A SATNAV
I don’t have a Satnav
I don’t need one in my life
l have something better
My Satnav is my wife
THE INTERNET IS A CURSE AND NOT A BLESSING
The internet is a curse and not a blessing
When you develop a habit you can’t stop
And max out all of your credit cards
Without setting foot in a single shop
I WAS ONCE A MEDICAL STUDENT # 1
I was once a medical student
But they had to send me home
As I thought “Caesarean section”
Was a district in Rome
A PENSIONER’S BEDTIME
A pensioner’s bedtime
In retirement is quite informal
Two hours after dozing off
In front of the TV is normal
SAMUEL WAS LATE FOR SCHOOL
Samuel was late for School
“It was the sign” in his defense he said
The teachers asked what sign
“The one that says, “Slow, School Ahead””
PUT DOWN # 50
Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
If he starts spinning you a line
Just say when he quickly bores
“Do you have magical powers?
In this fantasy world of yours?"
AT THE OLYMPICS THE ROMANIANS
At the Olympics the Romanians
Made a clean sweep good and proper
Taking the Gold, Silver and bronze
As well as all the lead and copper
ONE OF THE GREAT BENEFICIAL # 1
One of the great beneficial
Things after you retire
Is that polished shoes
Are considered formal attire
IN HIS TOWN WHEN DAD WAS A BOY
In his town when Dad was a boy
They had a Chinese Chippie
He was a Carpenter from Shanghai
And he was Called Mr Lee
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 307
Saw ye Eppie Marly, honey,
The woman that sells anything, honey?
She's lost her virtue and a' her money,
Wi' following a Goodtime Charlie, honey.
ARE YOU WEARING TINTED LENSES?
Are you wearing tinted lenses?
And the colour of vermillion
In normal light they look great
But at night you look like an alien
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