A Little Bit Of Humour # 38

ARE YOU WEARING CONTACTS?

Are you wearing contacts?
And a different colour at that
In normal light they look great
But in the dark you look like a cat

WHERE HAVE ALL THE READERS GONE?

Where have all the readers gone, long time passing?
Where have all the readers gone, long time ago?
Where have all the readers gone?
UKAuthors have nicked them everyone.
Oh, when will they ever learn?
Oh, when will they ever learn?

SIX BANNED WHEELCHAIR ATHLETES

Six banned Wheelchair athletes
From the Paralympics team GB
Were found to have tested positive
For WD40

A FOREIGN STUDENT FROM CALCUTTA # 1

A foreign student from Calcutta
Accidentally snorted curry powder
Thinking it was cocaine the silly duffer
He survived but he’s still in a Korma

I DON’T HAVE A SATNAV

I don’t have a Satnav
I don’t need one in my life
l have something better
My Satnav is my wife

THE INTERNET IS A CURSE AND NOT A BLESSING

The internet is a curse and not a blessing
When you develop a habit you can’t stop
And max out all of your credit cards
Without setting foot in a single shop

I WAS ONCE A MEDICAL STUDENT # 1

I was once a medical student
But they had to send me home
As I thought “Caesarean section”
Was a district in Rome

A PENSIONER’S BEDTIME

A pensioner’s bedtime
In retirement is quite informal
Two hours after dozing off
In front of the TV is normal

SAMUEL WAS LATE FOR SCHOOL

Samuel was late for School
“It was the sign” in his defense he said
The teachers asked what sign
“The one that says, “Slow, School Ahead””

PUT DOWN # 50

Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
If he starts spinning you a line
Just say when he quickly bores
“Do you have magical powers?
In this fantasy world of yours?"

AT THE OLYMPICS THE ROMANIANS

At the Olympics the Romanians
Made a clean sweep good and proper
Taking the Gold, Silver and bronze
As well as all the lead and copper

ONE OF THE GREAT BENEFICIAL # 1

One of the great beneficial
Things after you retire
Is that polished shoes
Are considered formal attire

IN HIS TOWN WHEN DAD WAS A BOY

In his town when Dad was a boy
They had a Chinese Chippie
He was a Carpenter from Shanghai
And he was Called Mr Lee

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 307

Saw ye Eppie Marly, honey,
The woman that sells anything, honey?
She's lost her virtue and a' her money,
Wi' following a Goodtime Charlie, honey.

ARE YOU WEARING TINTED LENSES?

Are you wearing tinted lenses?
And the colour of vermillion
In normal light they look great
But at night you look like an alien