NONSENSE POEMS
NONSENSICAL # 5
The hand on the knee
No the bland of the tea
Or the stand of the tree
The gland of the pea
Or the band of the free
No the sand of the flea
The brand of the ski
No it’s the Land of the Free
NONSENSICAL # 6
The spa wrangled planner
No the Tsar bangled tanner
The bra strangled Hannah
Or the scar dangled manor
The car mangled spanner
Or the bar tangled scanner
No it’s the Star Spangled Banner
NONSENSICAL # 7
You can take a horse to water
But you can’t teach it to suck eggs
Do unto others before their death
Every dog has a silver lining
Every cloud has his day
Glass houses make jack a dull boy
A bird in the hand is a penny earned
A new broom sweeps many a slip
All roads lead to the stable door
Caesar's wife begins at home
Don't throw the baby out with grandma
Monday 8 August 2011
MARRIAGE HUMOUR
MY PASTIME
My pastime is, that I like to Fish
I’d do it all the time if I got my wish
But my wife hates me doing it
And she wants me to stop doing it
I say to her it’s just my hobby
She says its just plain nobby
I say potato she says potaeto
I say tomato she says tomaeto
I say it’s just an innocent passtime
She says next time should be the last time
I say it is about the quiet peace
She says it has to cease
I say it’s appreciating the stillness
She say it’s a mental illness
She says I need to get a life
I thing I just need a different wife
I KNOW WITH CERTAINTY
I know with certainty
That nine times out of ten
When in my house
Something is broken
Or just malfunctioning
I know before I see it
The probability is
One of my kids did it
And the 10 percent of times
They are off the hook
Then I know who to blame
By my wife’s guilty look
NIGHTIE NIGHT
I was feeling fruity last night
But my wife wasn’t in the mood
She said she was too tired
For doing anything rude
But I was still feeling fruity
So I pleaded for her to succumb
Finally she said “ok”,
“Pull my nightie down when you’re done”
MY WIFE IS MAD YET
My wife is mad
Last night she snored so loud
That she woke herself up
Then she hit me
For snoring so bloody loud
That I woke her up
But to add insult onto injury
Which left me upset
I was the one who hadn’t
Even been to sleep yet
My pastime is, that I like to Fish
I’d do it all the time if I got my wish
But my wife hates me doing it
And she wants me to stop doing it
I say to her it’s just my hobby
She says its just plain nobby
I say potato she says potaeto
I say tomato she says tomaeto
I say it’s just an innocent passtime
She says next time should be the last time
I say it is about the quiet peace
She says it has to cease
I say it’s appreciating the stillness
She say it’s a mental illness
She says I need to get a life
I thing I just need a different wife
I KNOW WITH CERTAINTY
I know with certainty
That nine times out of ten
When in my house
Something is broken
Or just malfunctioning
I know before I see it
The probability is
One of my kids did it
And the 10 percent of times
They are off the hook
Then I know who to blame
By my wife’s guilty look
NIGHTIE NIGHT
I was feeling fruity last night
But my wife wasn’t in the mood
She said she was too tired
For doing anything rude
But I was still feeling fruity
So I pleaded for her to succumb
Finally she said “ok”,
“Pull my nightie down when you’re done”
MY WIFE IS MAD YET
My wife is mad
Last night she snored so loud
That she woke herself up
Then she hit me
For snoring so bloody loud
That I woke her up
But to add insult onto injury
Which left me upset
I was the one who hadn’t
Even been to sleep yet
VARIOUS HUMOUR
SOME OF THEM
Some make you cringe
Some drive you mad
Some make you freeze
Some scare you bad
Some are enormous
Some are minute
Some are horrendous
Some are quite cute
Some of them jump
Some cause a rash
Some make a buzz
Some make you dash
Some make you itch
Some make you sick
Some kill you slow
Some kill you quick
Some of them bite
Some of them crawl
Some are big
Some are small
But what they share
Is that insects appal
I have to be honest
I hate them all
BAGS OF SACKS
What sacks should I use?
In the garden?
Should I use plastic?
Or maybe Hessian?
I’m not sure I care
To be quite factual
I suppose it’s because
I am bi-sacksual
A BASIC FACT
A fact remains a fact
Its logic remains intact
Its basic premice is unflawed
Even if the fact is ignored
THE PEN IS MIGHTIER THAN THE SWORD
Edward Bulwer-Lytton wrote
“The pen is mightier than the sword”
This is indeed, a fine sentiment.
That we should heartily applaud
But when faced with machine gun fire
I fear the proposition is flawed
THE FOURTH EMERGENCY SERVICE
I was driving to work this morning
It was just as the day was dawning
And I noticed a parked up AA van
And next to it was a crying man
But properly weeping and wailing
Down on his knees with arms flailing
I just shook my head with a frown
I knew he was headed for a breakdown
Some make you cringe
Some drive you mad
Some make you freeze
Some scare you bad
Some are enormous
Some are minute
Some are horrendous
Some are quite cute
Some of them jump
Some cause a rash
Some make a buzz
Some make you dash
Some make you itch
Some make you sick
Some kill you slow
Some kill you quick
Some of them bite
Some of them crawl
Some are big
Some are small
But what they share
Is that insects appal
I have to be honest
I hate them all
BAGS OF SACKS
What sacks should I use?
In the garden?
Should I use plastic?
Or maybe Hessian?
I’m not sure I care
To be quite factual
I suppose it’s because
I am bi-sacksual
A BASIC FACT
A fact remains a fact
Its logic remains intact
Its basic premice is unflawed
Even if the fact is ignored
THE PEN IS MIGHTIER THAN THE SWORD
Edward Bulwer-Lytton wrote
“The pen is mightier than the sword”
This is indeed, a fine sentiment.
That we should heartily applaud
But when faced with machine gun fire
I fear the proposition is flawed
THE FOURTH EMERGENCY SERVICE
I was driving to work this morning
It was just as the day was dawning
And I noticed a parked up AA van
And next to it was a crying man
But properly weeping and wailing
Down on his knees with arms flailing
I just shook my head with a frown
I knew he was headed for a breakdown
HOLIDAY RELATED HUMOUR
BATHING DRESS
When the bikini replaced the bathing suit
They were brief, but also rather chic
But the briefness was, nonetheless,
Still sufficient to cover both cheeks
DON’T GO IN THE WATER
I don’t like swimming in the sea
I don’t care what you say it’s not for me
Its not that I’m scared of sharks or eels
Or that I don’t like how a jelly fish feels
It’s not even because of stone fish stings
Or the flotsam and jetsam the tide brings
You may think my phobia quite absurd
But I can’t be swimming along with a turd
BEFORE AND AFTER AT THE SALON
Before
Well you look a little sallow
Right down to the marrow
What you need is a drop of sun
In a bottle I have the very one
Just go into the salon
And you can put some colour on
After
Well my dear fellow
You’ve gone a little yellow
I think a touch too much
In fact much too much
Of the prescribed fake tan
How will you pay Mr Marzipan?
When the bikini replaced the bathing suit
They were brief, but also rather chic
But the briefness was, nonetheless,
Still sufficient to cover both cheeks
DON’T GO IN THE WATER
I don’t like swimming in the sea
I don’t care what you say it’s not for me
Its not that I’m scared of sharks or eels
Or that I don’t like how a jelly fish feels
It’s not even because of stone fish stings
Or the flotsam and jetsam the tide brings
You may think my phobia quite absurd
But I can’t be swimming along with a turd
BEFORE AND AFTER AT THE SALON
Before
Well you look a little sallow
Right down to the marrow
What you need is a drop of sun
In a bottle I have the very one
Just go into the salon
And you can put some colour on
After
Well my dear fellow
You’ve gone a little yellow
I think a touch too much
In fact much too much
Of the prescribed fake tan
How will you pay Mr Marzipan?
FAMILY HUMOUR
THE LOST WEEKEND
Oh what calamity did befall?
What an embarrassment for us all
We over imbibed on Saturday night
And awoke on Sunday none to bright
On the porch the paper lay unread
We couldn’t face it and went back to bed
So next morning which was Monday
We found the paper and thought it was Sunday
So we had a relaxing fun day
Not realising it was really Monday
On Tuesday when I returned to work
I really felt a proper berk
My boss had a true blue fit
And saw no humour at all in it
And verbally assailed me with his rancour
Then he called me a total fool
MY DEAR OLD MOTHER
My dear old mother
Recently passed away
But it came to my attention
Only the other day
That she was in fact killed
By a “Mrs A”
VEGETUS # 3
My son has announced
His intent to take the pledge
To give up eating meat
He has given to allege
But I don’t know what he’ll eat
As he doesn’t eat veg
PEARL’S A SINGER
Pearl's a singer,
She stands up,
When she plays the piano
In a night club
Pearl has a sister,
She really pongs
And that’s why she’s lonely
Her job was entertaining folks,
Singing songs and telling jokes
In a nightclub
Shirl’s her sister, and they say,
That she once was a winner, now she’s hopeless
Shirls's a minger, and they say,
That she once had a shower
They said it was about a year a go
When she succumbed to the B.O.
It was rancid
Shirl’s a minger
She stands out
Coz she won’t lose the BO
In a bath tub
Oh what calamity did befall?
What an embarrassment for us all
We over imbibed on Saturday night
And awoke on Sunday none to bright
On the porch the paper lay unread
We couldn’t face it and went back to bed
So next morning which was Monday
We found the paper and thought it was Sunday
So we had a relaxing fun day
Not realising it was really Monday
On Tuesday when I returned to work
I really felt a proper berk
My boss had a true blue fit
And saw no humour at all in it
And verbally assailed me with his rancour
Then he called me a total fool
MY DEAR OLD MOTHER
My dear old mother
Recently passed away
But it came to my attention
Only the other day
That she was in fact killed
By a “Mrs A”
VEGETUS # 3
My son has announced
His intent to take the pledge
To give up eating meat
He has given to allege
But I don’t know what he’ll eat
As he doesn’t eat veg
PEARL’S A SINGER
Pearl's a singer,
She stands up,
When she plays the piano
In a night club
Pearl has a sister,
She really pongs
And that’s why she’s lonely
Her job was entertaining folks,
Singing songs and telling jokes
In a nightclub
Shirl’s her sister, and they say,
That she once was a winner, now she’s hopeless
Shirls's a minger, and they say,
That she once had a shower
They said it was about a year a go
When she succumbed to the B.O.
It was rancid
Shirl’s a minger
She stands out
Coz she won’t lose the BO
In a bath tub
VARIOUS HUMOUR
THE NEWS OF THE WORLD
The News of the World
Oh the irony is sweet
The news of the screws
That tawdry scandal sheet
Hoisted on its own petard
Because of its crime
They have become their papers
Biggest scandal of all time
REAR OF THE YEAR 2011
In the Rear of the Year
Lovely Pippa Middleton
Was pipped at the post
By Carol Vorderman
Clearly those concerned
Prefer rear end of mutton
J. WELLINGTON WIMPY
J. Wellington Wimpy,
One of Popeye’s crowd,
Had an appetite for burgers
Of which he was proud
He’d eat them thru the show
Munching on them loud
And that was way back
When amongst the TV crowd
Product placement
Wasn’t even allowed
ROTY 2011
It is such a travesty
Of a decision I fear
Carol Vorderman
Winning Rear of the Year
But I wonder if Pippa
Gives a damn
That the voters
Prefer mutton to lamb
The News of the World
Oh the irony is sweet
The news of the screws
That tawdry scandal sheet
Hoisted on its own petard
Because of its crime
They have become their papers
Biggest scandal of all time
REAR OF THE YEAR 2011
In the Rear of the Year
Lovely Pippa Middleton
Was pipped at the post
By Carol Vorderman
Clearly those concerned
Prefer rear end of mutton
J. WELLINGTON WIMPY
J. Wellington Wimpy,
One of Popeye’s crowd,
Had an appetite for burgers
Of which he was proud
He’d eat them thru the show
Munching on them loud
And that was way back
When amongst the TV crowd
Product placement
Wasn’t even allowed
ROTY 2011
It is such a travesty
Of a decision I fear
Carol Vorderman
Winning Rear of the Year
But I wonder if Pippa
Gives a damn
That the voters
Prefer mutton to lamb
SENIOR HUMOUR
SENIOR COURTING
I have met a woman online
A fellow silver surfer
We had a date last night
And I really fancied her
But it’s been too many years
And I couldn’t satisfy her
I think I’m suffering
From penile dementia
SENIOR NETWORKING
A young lady I met in the street
Asked of me “Sir, do you tweet”?
I answered, “No, of course not
But I have to say I do trump a lot.”
LABOUR SAVING THINGAMAJIGS
At my age I can safely say
I do not need more gizmo’s
Labour saving thingamajigs
And gadgetry so-and-sos
The garage door opener
And the TV remote
With those two things
I can just about cope
And I sometimes find
Though they are useful
I get them mixed up
To be quite truthful
STAYING ATTRACTIVE
It seems to me that a man in his middle years
Is rendered more attractive, almost immediately,
To the opposite sex, if found to be wealthy
And/or he is a well known TV celebrity
I have met a woman online
A fellow silver surfer
We had a date last night
And I really fancied her
But it’s been too many years
And I couldn’t satisfy her
I think I’m suffering
From penile dementia
SENIOR NETWORKING
A young lady I met in the street
Asked of me “Sir, do you tweet”?
I answered, “No, of course not
But I have to say I do trump a lot.”
LABOUR SAVING THINGAMAJIGS
At my age I can safely say
I do not need more gizmo’s
Labour saving thingamajigs
And gadgetry so-and-sos
The garage door opener
And the TV remote
With those two things
I can just about cope
And I sometimes find
Though they are useful
I get them mixed up
To be quite truthful
STAYING ATTRACTIVE
It seems to me that a man in his middle years
Is rendered more attractive, almost immediately,
To the opposite sex, if found to be wealthy
And/or he is a well known TV celebrity
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