SENIOR HUMOUR

SENIOR CONTRCEPTION

Jimmy was in his seventies
And took himself a young wife
He biggest concern was fatherhood
At his time of life

“What birth control would you suggest?
Which would be best for me?”
He asked his doctor, who replied
“I think in your case, nudity”

SENIOR LIFT

I’m now officially old
And the tell tale indicator
Is that I just heard
My favourite song in the elevator

SENIOR DIVAN

I’m now officially old
And the tell tale indicator
Is that having sex in a single bed
Isn’t an option any longer

I MAY NOT ALWAYS TELL YOU

I may not always tell you
But you are everything to me
When I awaken in the morning
You're first in my thoughts
How much simpler life would be
If only I could say
I love you for being you
I love you for loving me

The love we feel the deepest
Is the hardest to express
But in your heart you must know
How much I love you
How much simpler life would be
If only I could say
I love you for being you
I love you for loving me

Emotions and the feelings
I sometimes tend to hide
But when we're together
I count my blessings
How much simpler life would be
If only I could say
I love you for being you
I love you for loving me

You're first in my thoughts
Every moment of every day
I should just say “I love you”
But this is not the way for me
How much simpler life would be
If only I could say
I love you for being you
I love you for loving me

UNDER ACHIEVING

UNDER ACHIEVING

Gillian finished her first week at school
And had a very unhappy look on her face
She said to her mum who was showing concern
“I’m just wasting my time at that place”
Mum asked her “why ever do you think that?”
Then Gillian exploded in an angry squawk
“Well mother I can't read and I can't write,
And then they won't even let me talk!'

WRINKLE FREE

I have discovered a great way
To get wrinkle free skin
I just eat as much as I want
And the fat fills them in

TWIN DELIGHT

My friend has got a new girlfriend
And he’s sleeping with her and her twin
I asked how he could tell them apart
He said her brother has stubble on his chin

CATWALK STRUT

She strutted down the catwalk
In an outfit to make the critics talk
It was called simply “Iridescence”
And had a lustrous, brilliant appearance
Her outfit was called the wonder of the age
I think I’d prefer something in beige

AN ACT OF VANDALISM

Applying a tattoo
On a beautiful woman’s skin
Is something akin
To drawing a moustache
On the Mona Lisa
Or a Chad on the ceiling
Of the Sistine chapel
The only things that can enhance
A woman’s beauty
Is a smile about her lips
And a glow upon her cheek

WEDDING VOW

When to my wife I was wed
My father-in-law to me said
I will give you ten acres and a cow
I’ve waited for the land for 10 years now

UNTRUE SUE

I sit at home alone
Waiting by the telephone
Hoping to hear her tender tone

But all the time I knew
It was fruitless to pursue
The fickle heart of Sue

I’ll spend no more nights alone
Waiting for Sue to phone
I’m better off on my own

So let me warn you about sue
Before she gets her hooks in you
Her love is definitely untrue

For as soon as you’re apart
The infidelity will start
For she has a cheating heart

ROMANTIC GESTURE

My wife told me to be more romantic
And to book a table for Valentines Day
When we arrived at the snooker hall
I can tell you there was all hell to pay

PARTIALITY

Have you always been partial to a skinny red head?
But you married a twenty stone brunette instead
Have you always hankered for someone small and petite?
Instead you married a woman with size ten feet
Were you attracted to intelligent women with wit?
But instead you married some uncouth twit
Did you always fancy a girl with figure that swings?
But instead you’re stuck with miss bingo wings
Do you ever think your perfect woman got away?
Well you are not alone because I think it every day

A LITTLE BIT OF LUST

DIRTY DANCING

Joanne the willowy vixen
Willing and welcoming
Dancing on the pole
Writhing and gyrating
Erotically cavorting
Like a gracile courtesan
Suppliantly performing for the clientele
Of dirty old men and drunken letches
Debasing herself for meagre reward
In seedy surroundings
Selling herself to wealthy businessmen
With her nakedness she begs
For more paper currency
She calls herself an exotic dancer
But she’s no better than the geisha
Who satisfies a Mikado’s libido

SPANISH MAIDEN

The Spanish maiden with the come hither look
Resplendent with curves shaped to arouse
A maiden possessing that perfect combination
Of come to bed eyes and a gaping blouse

THE PARAMOUR

I have always been magnanimous by nature
Generous of heart and noble of spirit
Kind, forgiving blah blah blah
In short I have always been a door mat

I don’t get to be the significant other
I am destined to forever be the paramour
The elicit lover, skulking in the dark
Never to come out into the light

Never to be amative, never to show my feelings
Always effacing myself in public
Confined to simple flirtatious episodes in view
And elicit sexual dalliances behind closed doors

Hotel doors mainly, locked against the world
Sometimes another mans bedroom door
With another mans wife or fiancé
I am not proud of what I do, but I do it anyway

THE HUNTER

Pubs and clubs he scours
In the wee small hours
To use his seductive powers
On the maidens he devours
Then in the early hours
The maidens he deflowers
Are left like wilting flowers
He then returns to gothic towers
Where he then showers

BLACK MASS

She slipped off her long leather coat.
Revealing just her underwear
Standing before me dressed all in black
A leather Basque, lace panties
A garter belt and stockings
And six-inch stiletto heels
I was instantly aroused
And wanted her there and then
But instead she knelt before me
At the alter of my lust
And took the sacrament

SPEAK DIRTY TO ME

She wears sexy underwear
And speaks dirty to me
I handle her roughly
Like a rag doll
I bend her to my will
I grope at her breasts
Toy with her nipples
My fingers first probe
Then penetrate her hot wetness
And revel in her response
Then she begs me to enter
And as I do I feel her shudder
Such burning passion
Consumes us both
As we are lost in the baseness of the act
Filthy words spill from her lips
As we exorcized our lust
Then sweet ecstasy
In the moment
Of our passions culmination

A LITTLE BIT OF IRISH

She is my southern Irish bundle of fun
If you want a good time girl she’s the one
She drinks like a fish and dances till dawn
She’ll run around naked on your front lawn
She likes to gamble but doesn’t do drugs
And likes to drink Guinness from mugs
She is the one who paints the town red
There’s never a dull moment it has to be said
Then later you can have a quiet Canoodle
Until you unleash her inner sex poodle
Then she’s a sex crazed Barbie doll
Who doesn’t know when to stop at all
For outside she’s sweet as apple strudel
While inside she’s a spanky sex poodle

COLLAR AND CUFFS

Hey there blondie I really like your hair
But I bet that it’s a different shade down there
I bet you don’t have any white blonde thatch
Your collar and cuffs certainly won’t match
Or maybe a mismatch really isn’t anticipated
Possibly you have already defoliated
I don’t mind you with or without down below
I’m am an easy to please kind of fellow
And if you’re a bottle blonde I don’t care
Or if there is a mismatch with body hair
Any way it comes that’s my simple philosophy
And besides it’s not something I’m likely to see

THE TOM TOM BLUES

I want to get a Tom Tom
Or any make of Satnav
But my lady wife won’t hear of it
Not all the time I have
Her to map read for me
And give me vague directions
Saying left instead of right
At all the intersections
But it’s always my fault
When we take another detour
Though it’s her not paying attention
I don’t want to do this anymore
For she doesn’t really map read
She only reads her women’s mag
But that’s what I’m stuck with
A fifty year old sat nag

EURO TRASH

After another dismal round of European qualifiers
I think its time for a change
There are too may countries now
So I propose something radical
Norway and Sweden should merge
To become Swedway or Norden
Spain and Portugal could become
Sportugal, Porpain or Spugal
Denmark and Finland would be Finmark
Belgium and Holland would become Belland
Germany and Austria would either be
Gerstria or the fourth reich
The Balkan states could reform as Yugoslavia
Greece and Turkey could be Treece or Gurkey
The USSR could regroup, for sporting reasons only of course
And the home nations could combine to become England

STEPHANIE

It was love at first sight
When I first saw Stephanie
That sparkling sprite
Stunning little Steffie
It may have been her beautiful face
Wish a rosy blush on her cheek
She was the most beautiful creature
I ever held in my arms
It may have been the fine brown hair
Dancing on her shoulders
Hair so fine it turned to fire
In the sunlight
Making a halo on an angel's head
Possibly it was her vivaciousness
Or just her small buttocks
Encased in her dirty jodhpurs
She was simply heart stoppingly gorgeous
Being in love with her was joyous,
Being loved by her was glorious
She would hug me
And bury her head in my chest
The smell of her hair was heaven
Her perfume a divine intoxication
And I would feel her tremble in my arms
As a tiny bird might in the palm of your hand
I wanted to keep her safe
Protect her from harm
Then I would kiss the top of her head
And carry her off to bed
I loved her so much
But I should have loved her more
I should have loved her with a passion
With such depth and intensity
That God himself
Could not have rent her from my grasp
But I did not
And my little bird escaped