GLORY OF THE DAWN
Oh to awake at dawn
Awaking with the horn
To sport a morning glory
Was highly satisfactory
A magnificent early riser
With which to surprise her
But alas that was in my youth
And to tell the honest truth
Now my poor dormant muscle
Can barely raise a chuckle
THE CALL OF THE WILD
Not pampered or preened
Nor sculptured or shaped
Not tidied or groomed
Nor shaven or scraped
For neat and manicured
Well, nothing could be fouler
For we like it as nature intended
An untamed hairy growler
No French landing strips
Or Brazilian styled
Just wild and untamed bush
Because we like our beaver wild
DEFLATED
I used to rise at dawn
And marvel at my erection
Such a thing of beauty
So wonderful in its perfection
But those days are behind me
Its flaccid now upon inspection
And to raise it from its flaccidity
I must consume some blue confection
And thus perform a miracle rising
Akin to the resurrection
Tuesday 21 September 2010
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 155
Pat a cake, Pat a cake, Bakers man
Bake me a cake as fast as you can;
Full of E numbers and artificial flavouring
Then microwave it until the oven pings
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 156
Tom, Tom of Islington,
Married a wife on Sunday,
And that’s all I will tell
Because to be honest it doesn’t end well
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 157
Three wise men of Gotham
Went to sea in a bowl:
Their wisdom was a misconception
They died and that’s natural selection
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 158
There was a little man
Who wooed a little honey;
and she was wooed and wooed and wooed
But not as wude as he
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 159
"Broken chairs to mend"
"Broken chairs to mend"
If I'd not gone to Argos
With money to spend,
I never would cry
"Broken chairs to mend"
Pat a cake, Pat a cake, Bakers man
Bake me a cake as fast as you can;
Full of E numbers and artificial flavouring
Then microwave it until the oven pings
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 156
Tom, Tom of Islington,
Married a wife on Sunday,
And that’s all I will tell
Because to be honest it doesn’t end well
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 157
Three wise men of Gotham
Went to sea in a bowl:
Their wisdom was a misconception
They died and that’s natural selection
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 158
There was a little man
Who wooed a little honey;
and she was wooed and wooed and wooed
But not as wude as he
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 159
"Broken chairs to mend"
"Broken chairs to mend"
If I'd not gone to Argos
With money to spend,
I never would cry
"Broken chairs to mend"
THE SHADOW OF GOLGOTHA
Our lord beaten and bloody
Must die like a criminal
To add insult upon injury
Atop his tousled curls
Was set a thorny crown
Pressed into his scalp
He carried his cross
Upon his bloodied back
Through narrow streets
To the baying of the crowds
Then onto the hill of Calvary
Where the prince of peace
Was nailed to his cross of pain
And dealt the final blow
His side pierced by a spear
His earthly life ebbing away
Through the open wound
He called out to God
But not for vengeance
He asked that they be forgiven
And his cross of pain
Cast a Holy shadow
Across the world
That reached every corner
But the shadow cast
Was not one of darkness
But one of light
A divine light
The light of love
Which still shines today
For it is the eternal light of God
Must die like a criminal
To add insult upon injury
Atop his tousled curls
Was set a thorny crown
Pressed into his scalp
He carried his cross
Upon his bloodied back
Through narrow streets
To the baying of the crowds
Then onto the hill of Calvary
Where the prince of peace
Was nailed to his cross of pain
And dealt the final blow
His side pierced by a spear
His earthly life ebbing away
Through the open wound
He called out to God
But not for vengeance
He asked that they be forgiven
And his cross of pain
Cast a Holy shadow
Across the world
That reached every corner
But the shadow cast
Was not one of darkness
But one of light
A divine light
The light of love
Which still shines today
For it is the eternal light of God
THE ANNUAL BIRTHDAY BBQ BASH 2010
Don’t the years go quick?
It’s another birthday BBQ
It’s that time of year again
When acquaintance is renewed
When family and friends
Come affably together
To eat a hearty meal outdoors
And sod the English weather
The beer and wine is chilled
The buffet has been prepared
The BBQ is well alight
No planning has been spared
So everything is set fair
Most of the guests are here
But never wanting to be the first
Ted and Rene are last to appear
So a brace of Ted’s, a pair of Paul’s
Tina and Becky, Rosemary and Rene
Not to forget Gordon and Wendy
Were all assembled at the scene
I should also mention the children
As they are part of the family
But we kept them locked away
And they were forgotten easily
We sat in the quiet shade
Beneath the big gazebo
Erected against the expected rain
That thankfully failed to show
At last its time to eat
And excitement is running high
As everyone stood up
Tina poked Rosemary in the eye
And what did the assailant do
When seeing the result of this act
Was she humbly apologetic?
No, she laughed out loud in fact
Then suddenly a disaster occurred
Unrivalled at any previous year
And the nature of this calamity
We were running out of beer
So a quick dash out in the car
To the “Happy Shopper” store
And hopefully unnoticed
Return to home once more
I returned and an eerie hush descended
Silencing the function
But nothing sinister occurred
It was simply quiet consumption
When the pudding plates were empty
And glasses were refreshed
The dishwasher could be heard
Washing away the mess
The afternoon passed nicely by
In comfortable affability
With moments of silliness
And not a small amount of frivolity
Tina with hand outstretched
With a ruby ring on her finger
Like the time of her engagement
“Oh look see the light linger”
As usual on these occasions
The cat got all the attention
Not the birthday boy and BBQ chef
I just thought that I would mention
And when enough alcohol was drunk
Tea and coffee arrived instead
Not that anyone got smashed
Only a glass, and that was Ted
There were uninvited guests
Flies and wasps descended
But traps were set for the Jaspers
And one got decapitated
All too soon the time had come
For folk to wend their way
And fond fairwells were said
Until we meet on another day
Then came the time to draw a breath
And reflect on the festivity
Then open another can of beer
And say happy birthday to ME
It’s another birthday BBQ
It’s that time of year again
When acquaintance is renewed
When family and friends
Come affably together
To eat a hearty meal outdoors
And sod the English weather
The beer and wine is chilled
The buffet has been prepared
The BBQ is well alight
No planning has been spared
So everything is set fair
Most of the guests are here
But never wanting to be the first
Ted and Rene are last to appear
So a brace of Ted’s, a pair of Paul’s
Tina and Becky, Rosemary and Rene
Not to forget Gordon and Wendy
Were all assembled at the scene
I should also mention the children
As they are part of the family
But we kept them locked away
And they were forgotten easily
We sat in the quiet shade
Beneath the big gazebo
Erected against the expected rain
That thankfully failed to show
At last its time to eat
And excitement is running high
As everyone stood up
Tina poked Rosemary in the eye
And what did the assailant do
When seeing the result of this act
Was she humbly apologetic?
No, she laughed out loud in fact
Then suddenly a disaster occurred
Unrivalled at any previous year
And the nature of this calamity
We were running out of beer
So a quick dash out in the car
To the “Happy Shopper” store
And hopefully unnoticed
Return to home once more
I returned and an eerie hush descended
Silencing the function
But nothing sinister occurred
It was simply quiet consumption
When the pudding plates were empty
And glasses were refreshed
The dishwasher could be heard
Washing away the mess
The afternoon passed nicely by
In comfortable affability
With moments of silliness
And not a small amount of frivolity
Tina with hand outstretched
With a ruby ring on her finger
Like the time of her engagement
“Oh look see the light linger”
As usual on these occasions
The cat got all the attention
Not the birthday boy and BBQ chef
I just thought that I would mention
And when enough alcohol was drunk
Tea and coffee arrived instead
Not that anyone got smashed
Only a glass, and that was Ted
There were uninvited guests
Flies and wasps descended
But traps were set for the Jaspers
And one got decapitated
All too soon the time had come
For folk to wend their way
And fond fairwells were said
Until we meet on another day
Then came the time to draw a breath
And reflect on the festivity
Then open another can of beer
And say happy birthday to ME
Thursday 19 August 2010
A TOUCH OF LOVE
I HAVE LOST MY HEART
I have lost my heart
And you are now its keeper
With each moment that passes
My love for you grows deeper
Will you treasure my heart?
Are you worthy of its keeping?
Or will this infatuation
End with my heart weeping
OUR LOVE IS
Like the last leaves of autumn
Scattered to the four winds
Our love is drifting away
Like a desert river
Long run dry
Our love is desiccated
Like the winter landscape
Stark and bare
Our love is Barron
OUR LOVE WAS GONE
Like the cherry blossom
That once adorned the trees
Our love bloomed
But that was before the spring rain fell
And the winds blew in
Scattering what once was beauty
And with each petal torn from the bough
A bitter tear was shed
As each piece was carried on the wind
A word of accusation followed
And when the last petal was set free
Then our love was gone
LIKE THE WINTER TREES
Like the winter trees
Left stripped bare
By the autumn gales
Such is our marriage
Our love was once that leafy canopy
Which sheltered and nurtured
But it slowly change in hue
Then it dried up and blew away
On the winds of change
Until our love was no more
TREASURE BEYOND PRICE
If you find love
Treasure it
Don’t be a fool
And waste it
Bottle it and keep it safe
Make it last forever
When you find love
Never let it go
WITHOUT YOU
Without you
I am empty
I miss you
When you’re not with me
Without you
I’m incomplete
But when we’re together
I am Replete
Without you
I am tragic
But together
We can do magic
I COULD HAVE
If we had our time over
What could I have done better?
I could have talked to you more
I should have listened to you more
I could have spent more time with you
I could have thought more about you
I could have been more understanding
I could have been more forgiving
I could have said I love you more often
I could have held your hand more often
I could have loved you better I’m sure
But I could not have loved you more
MY HEART SKIPS A BEAT
My heart skips a beat
I have dancing feet
You have me in a spin
You make my head swim
My stomach is in knots
My eyes are seeing spots
You make my heart beat fast
Oh I’m in love at last
Yes its love without a doubt
I had better ask you out
I have lost my heart
And you are now its keeper
With each moment that passes
My love for you grows deeper
Will you treasure my heart?
Are you worthy of its keeping?
Or will this infatuation
End with my heart weeping
OUR LOVE IS
Like the last leaves of autumn
Scattered to the four winds
Our love is drifting away
Like a desert river
Long run dry
Our love is desiccated
Like the winter landscape
Stark and bare
Our love is Barron
OUR LOVE WAS GONE
Like the cherry blossom
That once adorned the trees
Our love bloomed
But that was before the spring rain fell
And the winds blew in
Scattering what once was beauty
And with each petal torn from the bough
A bitter tear was shed
As each piece was carried on the wind
A word of accusation followed
And when the last petal was set free
Then our love was gone
LIKE THE WINTER TREES
Like the winter trees
Left stripped bare
By the autumn gales
Such is our marriage
Our love was once that leafy canopy
Which sheltered and nurtured
But it slowly change in hue
Then it dried up and blew away
On the winds of change
Until our love was no more
TREASURE BEYOND PRICE
If you find love
Treasure it
Don’t be a fool
And waste it
Bottle it and keep it safe
Make it last forever
When you find love
Never let it go
WITHOUT YOU
Without you
I am empty
I miss you
When you’re not with me
Without you
I’m incomplete
But when we’re together
I am Replete
Without you
I am tragic
But together
We can do magic
I COULD HAVE
If we had our time over
What could I have done better?
I could have talked to you more
I should have listened to you more
I could have spent more time with you
I could have thought more about you
I could have been more understanding
I could have been more forgiving
I could have said I love you more often
I could have held your hand more often
I could have loved you better I’m sure
But I could not have loved you more
MY HEART SKIPS A BEAT
My heart skips a beat
I have dancing feet
You have me in a spin
You make my head swim
My stomach is in knots
My eyes are seeing spots
You make my heart beat fast
Oh I’m in love at last
Yes its love without a doubt
I had better ask you out
ON THE SEXY SIDE
KNIGHT’S FAVOUR
I would have climbed the highest mountain
I would have sailed the widest sea
I would have fought the fiercest dragon
No task would have defeated me
All this I would have done for the chance
Of getting down with you all sleazy
But I didn’t even have to break a sweat
Because it turned out that you were easy
FEELING A BIT GINGER
There is a Ginger girl I see
Whom I see professionally
In a strictly sexual capacity
She is a lady of the night
A tart or a hooker, called Delight
Ok she’s a prostitute, alright?
But I call my sweet little ho
The dirty Ginger girl I know
My Orange pay as you go
THE COMMANDO WIFE
George looked at his wife on the sofa
With more than the usual on display
“Are you wearing underwear?” He asked
In an unusually interested way
“No” she replied pleased he’d noticed
“I’m pantie-less” she said happily unclad
"Thank God for that” said husband George
“I thought you’d sat on my kebab"
TEMPORARY AFFLICTION
I have a stack of work to do
With deadlines to meet too
So much work I can’t get into
Because I just sit and stare at Sue
Sue is the new temporary
And she’s got me quite contrary
The last temp was very scary
Not to mention rather hairy
But Sue is such a rare beauty
Down to earth not at all snooty
But it’s hard to fulfil my duty
When I think of Sue getting fruity
AIMING TO HIGH
I went in search of a maiden fair
And saw a vision standing there
But I knew as I held her in my stare
For me to have a future with her
I should be twenty years younger
And her standards much lower
DESPERATELY SEEKING
She seeks Mr. Right
Someone who’s simply awesome
A strong, intelligent man
Tall dark and handsome
A King or a Prince
Healthy wealthy and wise
A good conversationalist
With come to bed eyes
Generous to a fault
Patient and kind
Devotedly attentive
And domestically inclined
A constant companion
A lover and a friend
A man of substance
On whom she can depend
But if a man seeks a woman
Then a deaf-mute, with no sense of smell,
Large breasted nymphomaniac
Contortionist would suit well
A QUESTION OF COURTSHIP
I like you very much and I am attracted to you
But something that I have quite often thought
If you wouldn’t mind my asking, is, are you chaste
And more importantly have you ever been caught
BRIDAL DESIRE
Do you want your future bride?
To be chaste and never caught
Should she be pure in thought and deed?
With never a single immoral thought
Abstaining from sex on moral grounds
And any kind of lustful devilment?
Not a very realistic expectation
Unless she’s been living in a convent
It’s not what I would look for in a bride
I would want my wife to be sexually faithful
When the vows were said, I wouldn’t want
Her to indulge in anything extra marital
But on the day I would like her to appear angelic
With the look of innocence upon her face
As she stands at the alter dressed in virgin white
While encased beneath in black silk and lace
I would have climbed the highest mountain
I would have sailed the widest sea
I would have fought the fiercest dragon
No task would have defeated me
All this I would have done for the chance
Of getting down with you all sleazy
But I didn’t even have to break a sweat
Because it turned out that you were easy
FEELING A BIT GINGER
There is a Ginger girl I see
Whom I see professionally
In a strictly sexual capacity
She is a lady of the night
A tart or a hooker, called Delight
Ok she’s a prostitute, alright?
But I call my sweet little ho
The dirty Ginger girl I know
My Orange pay as you go
THE COMMANDO WIFE
George looked at his wife on the sofa
With more than the usual on display
“Are you wearing underwear?” He asked
In an unusually interested way
“No” she replied pleased he’d noticed
“I’m pantie-less” she said happily unclad
"Thank God for that” said husband George
“I thought you’d sat on my kebab"
TEMPORARY AFFLICTION
I have a stack of work to do
With deadlines to meet too
So much work I can’t get into
Because I just sit and stare at Sue
Sue is the new temporary
And she’s got me quite contrary
The last temp was very scary
Not to mention rather hairy
But Sue is such a rare beauty
Down to earth not at all snooty
But it’s hard to fulfil my duty
When I think of Sue getting fruity
AIMING TO HIGH
I went in search of a maiden fair
And saw a vision standing there
But I knew as I held her in my stare
For me to have a future with her
I should be twenty years younger
And her standards much lower
DESPERATELY SEEKING
She seeks Mr. Right
Someone who’s simply awesome
A strong, intelligent man
Tall dark and handsome
A King or a Prince
Healthy wealthy and wise
A good conversationalist
With come to bed eyes
Generous to a fault
Patient and kind
Devotedly attentive
And domestically inclined
A constant companion
A lover and a friend
A man of substance
On whom she can depend
But if a man seeks a woman
Then a deaf-mute, with no sense of smell,
Large breasted nymphomaniac
Contortionist would suit well
A QUESTION OF COURTSHIP
I like you very much and I am attracted to you
But something that I have quite often thought
If you wouldn’t mind my asking, is, are you chaste
And more importantly have you ever been caught
BRIDAL DESIRE
Do you want your future bride?
To be chaste and never caught
Should she be pure in thought and deed?
With never a single immoral thought
Abstaining from sex on moral grounds
And any kind of lustful devilment?
Not a very realistic expectation
Unless she’s been living in a convent
It’s not what I would look for in a bride
I would want my wife to be sexually faithful
When the vows were said, I wouldn’t want
Her to indulge in anything extra marital
But on the day I would like her to appear angelic
With the look of innocence upon her face
As she stands at the alter dressed in virgin white
While encased beneath in black silk and lace
FOOTBALL
ALADIN’S WISH
Aladin rubbed his lamp
And a Genie did appear
You can have one wish
But only one he made clear
"I want to live forever"
Aladin told the genie.
"I’m sorry" Came the reply
"You can’t wish for immortality”
“Living forever
Is against the regulations
You must think again
And revise your expectation”
“Do you have your wish?”
Aladin answered “Yup”
"I want to live to see
England win the world cup"
DRESSING UP
They are the supporters
Watching their team play
On terraces far and wide
Home and away
When flags are waved
They dress with pride
With painted faces
And deep joy inside
But when the whistle blows
And the dream is at an end
Tears stain the cheeks
As friend hugs friend
They dressed with a joy
That they wanted to express
But there is nothing sadder
Than sad fancy dress
Aladin rubbed his lamp
And a Genie did appear
You can have one wish
But only one he made clear
"I want to live forever"
Aladin told the genie.
"I’m sorry" Came the reply
"You can’t wish for immortality”
“Living forever
Is against the regulations
You must think again
And revise your expectation”
“Do you have your wish?”
Aladin answered “Yup”
"I want to live to see
England win the world cup"
DRESSING UP
They are the supporters
Watching their team play
On terraces far and wide
Home and away
When flags are waved
They dress with pride
With painted faces
And deep joy inside
But when the whistle blows
And the dream is at an end
Tears stain the cheeks
As friend hugs friend
They dressed with a joy
That they wanted to express
But there is nothing sadder
Than sad fancy dress
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