I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT MY NEIGHBOUR

 

I cannot believe that my

Next door neighbour

Is a self-harmer

She's so vile there

Must be queue of people

Willing to do it for her

BREXIT IS A TERRIBLE NAME

 

Brexit is a terrible name,

It really makes me see red

And sounds like a remedy

For when you are constipated

MY GIRLFRIEND WAS STRIKING IN APPEARANCE

 

My girlfriend was striking in appearance

With a face like a rare Chinese thing

Like a classic vase from a great dynasty

Was it Yuan, Liao, no it was Ming-ing

MY WIFE WAS INVITED TO GO

 

My wife was invited to go

On a girls' night out recently

The invite said “dress to kill”

So, she went as Myra Hindley

I PHONED THE SWINE FLU HOTLINE

I phoned the swine flu hotline

When my chest started rattling

Because that was the advice

But all I got was crackling 

I'VE JUST SPLIT UP WITH MY GIRLFRIEND

 

I've just split up with my girlfriend,

Which actually shocked me to the core

As it was a long-standing relationship

Maybe we should have sat down more

ARE YOU WEARING COLOURED LENSES?

 

Are you wearing coloured lenses?

If you’re not then what that means is

At the risk of sounding a cynic

You should visit the walk in eye clinic