LAST NIGHT I WAS SHAKEN VIOLENTLY AWAKE

 

Last night I was shaken violently awake

So I thought it must be an earthquake

But I soon realised as my heart was soaring

It was just my wife telling me I was snoring

MY FIRST EXPERIENCE OF DRINKING COFFEE

 My first experience of drinking Coffee

Was when I was a kid at school

It came in a bottle and tasted foul

“Camp” it was called and wasn’t cool   

THEY DO VERY ODD THINGS WITH SPUDS

They do very odd things with spuds

Nowadays some of which seem crazy

When I was young people who didn't

Peel potatoes were regarded as lazy

A LONELY FARMER DECIDED TO SEE A MOVIE

 

A lonely farmer decided to see a movie

And take his favourite Cockerel too

But he knew animals weren’t allowed

So he hid him down his pants, out of view

He bought a ticket, and went inside

And sat down next to two old widows

The movie started unbuttoning his fly

So the Cockerel could watch the show

And one widow whispered to the other

“The guy next to me has his thing out”

Her friend replied “Don’t be squeamish

It’s not your first nor the last no doubt,

And I’m sure you’ve seen bigger

When you’re at home watching porn”

“Well I’ve seen bigger” she agreed

“But I’ve not seen one eating my popcorn”

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 398

 

There was a little girl who had a little curl

A pretty girl with a smile to dazzle

But that wasn’t how she wanted to be

So, she had a wax and vagazzle  

ARE YOU WEARING A NIGHTIE?

 

Are you wearing a nightie?

Something sexy and flighty

I hope it’s a little see through

And through it I can see you

MY UNCLE IS A JOVIAL MAN

 

My uncle is a jovial man and at home

He is always full of good cheer

But at work he always looks forbidding

But then he is an auctioneer