THAT’S A RELIEF

 

I was arrested in my local paper shop today

And taken to the nearest station without delay

I had masturbated over a copy of the Beano

But as it was for Comic Relief the police let me go

CUTTING EDGE LENS TECHNOLOGY

 

My son just bought the most amazing camera

With super-fast shutter speed, “on the edge of the cut”

And when he photographed my wife and I

He managed to snap her with her mouth shut

SPAM, SPAM AND MORE SPAM

 

I keep getting spam emails

From Ms Fatal Attraction

Who is a bored housewife

Looking for some hot action

With a younger man, if poss

So, if I keep receiving her siren-ing

I might just reply to her

Then I can send her my ironing

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 51

The worms crawl in the worms crawl out,

They crawled in thin and crawl out stout

And when they’re so fat they cannot crawl

The birds come down and eat them all 

PHILOSOPHICAL HAPPINESS

 

The truth of the matter is I guess

That some folk cause happiness

Some cause it wherever they go

While with others it’s whenever they go

KATIE SINGS LIBERALLY

 

I have to say my heart was gladdened

When I heard Katie Melua sing

China has obviously come a long way

If there are 9 million bisexuals in Beijing

CLEANING HOUSE

 

My wife and I went up to the loft the other day

And I cleaned it with her while we were there

But oh, dear then there was all hell to pay

As I couldn’t get the cobwebs out of her hair