I’M BUSY DOING NOTHING

 

At breakfast my wife asked me

What I was doing today

“Nothing” I replied to her

“But you did nothing yesterday”

She informed me

“And now you’re doing it again today”

I replied “I’m not doing nothing, again

I didn’t finish doing it yesterday”

ON THE NAMING OF A CHILD

 

On the naming of a child

Certain protocols should be followed by the registrar

Protocol one

If the chosen name is Rainbow or Honey dew

Then firstly the parents should be slapped

And given a book containing sensible names

This process should be repeated until a sensible choice is made

Protocol Two

If the chosen name is Chardonnay or Champagne

Then firstly the parents should be slapped

And a large group of people should be assembled to laugh at them

The parents should then be given a dictionary

To look up the definitions of the names that they chose

This process should also be repeated until a sensible choice is made

Protocol Three

If the chosen name is Moonflower or Gallifrey

Then firstly the parents should be slapped

And the child should be immediately taken into care

Then the parents should be put in the stocks

So sensible people can throw rotten fruit at them

Before finally being committed to an institution

 

PS – Should it ever be deemed that they have been cured

They should be sterilised before release

And their names entered on the pretentious parents register

 

PPS - Anyone from Cardiff, The Wirral, Norfolk, Suffolk or Essex will inevitably

Name the child after a piece of fruit, a place they have visited

The name of their favourite car or a product from a supermarket

As a result, these people should not be trusted to name their children.

Registrars must name the children for them

In the same way that Hurricanes and tropical storms are named

If they complain go straight to Protocol three

CO-OP COUPLE

 

Christopher really liked Lisa

He thought she was really quite fit

They worked together every day

At a very well-known supermarket

 

When he asked her out she said yes

But to show that they were an item

They were shrink-wrapped together

And had a barcode label stuck on them

STUDENT PROTESTS # 1

 

Students should be applauded

We should stand and raise our glasses

To applaud the lazy, pretentious, self-absorbed wasters

For getting up off their collective arses

I DON’T BOTHER WITH FLU JABS

 

Its flu jab season again

But I always give them a pass

I self-medicate with alcohol

It really is first class

So just say to the doc

When he starts to tut

That a shot in your glass

Is better than one in the butt

DOCTOR FEELGOOD

My doctor advised me to

Take regular exercise

Eat more fruit

And get plenty of fresh air

So, I have taken his advice

I walk to the pub

I have a slice of lemon with my G&T

And I drink in the beer garden

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 45

 

Old King Cole was a merry old soul,

And a merry old soul was he;

He called for his pint in the middle of the day

And he called for his cronies three.

Every crony had a fresh bottle,

And a very fine bottle had he;

Oh there's none so pissed as can compare

With King Cole and his cronies three.