PUT DOWN # 10

Put downs work the best

For deflecting unwanted attention

But try to be amusing

As this relieves the tension

“How did you get to be so beautiful?”

He may well declare

So just reply to him

“I must've been given your share” 

BELLA DONNA

 

I met the beautiful Daniela

When we shared her umbrella

Then we drank a little Stella

And I said I thought her bella

She said I was quite a fella

So I had my way with Daniela

 

If I saw her now I’d tell her

About the state of my old fella

That turned a funny shade of yella

And the STD clinic fella

Had to employ his own umbrella

After I had my way with Daniela

PICKUP # 2

When you’re on the pull

If you want to break the ice

Say something funny

Or say something nice

Be devastatingly witty

Or say something clever

Be complimentary

Or just lie in your endeavour

“Winning the Lotto jackpot”

You might start

“Is quite meaningless if you’re single

And have a weak heart!” 

I LOVE IT AT THE SEASIDE

 

I love it at the seaside out of season

When the bathers are not there

The beaches are no longer sun kissed

The sands are empty and bare

 

I love it at the seaside

On a bright sunny winters day

When you can stroll along

With out people getting in the way

 

You pick your way along the shore

Picking up driftwood and shells

Skim stones across the water

Without soliciting angry yells

 

I love it at the seaside

The deck chairs are all stored away

On the sea front all is quiet

And the car park is free all day

 

I love it at the seaside

The shops are shut and battened down

All the amusement arcades are shut

But not the Rose and Crown

REUNION TREPIDATION

 

Reunions are strange affairs

Full of shadows of events long past

Faces swim at you from the crowd

Faces from the past

Some are old friends

Greyer in colour

Frailer in body

But still recognisable

Someone says

“I haven't seen you for years”

And suddenly you see them as they once were

You swap stories

Exchange remembrances

And the years just melt away

Though at times you grasp for names

In the far reaches

Of your cluttered mind

You pour over old albums

Regimental photos

Or company teams

Picking out familiar faces

“His name was Chisholm”

“What was his first name?”

“George?”

“No he played trombone”

“Tom, Tim, no Jim”

You feel pleased with yourself.

Your trepidation at attending long gone

With the pleasure of old friendships revisited

You are glad you made the effort

 

At reunions and other such gatherings

Amongst the sea of faces

There always appears

As if released from a time capsule

That one person who seems completely unchanged

The “Dorian Gray”

Who makes you feel older than ever

And a little bit envious

But not bitter

You console yourself with the fact

He has a painting of Methuselah in his attic

Plus there was that smug satisfaction you got

When you met the rabble rousers of your youth

That are now the teetotallers

Or those with walking frames

And the special diets

 

Reunions are more than that though

It’s not just about meeting old friends

Some people you never liked

Some you always avoided

Those are the ones who propel themselves

Excocet like from the throng

And act like your long lost best friend

They are the ones you need rescuing from

That cause time to stand still

They ones that caused your trepidation

Who talks incessantly

About everything

And nothing

The ones that cause you to vow

“This is my last reunion”

Or “Never again”

But because the one annoyance

Is the exception to the rule

When next you're asked

You always relent

LOCKERBIE LAMENT

 

The grieving families

Of Al Megrahi’s victims

Have no truck with mercy

Or Scotland’s political whims

They say they want justice

For their loved ones

But most just want vengeance

When all said and done

In their grief they crave

Justice for the just

Al Megrahi’s death itself

Won’t satisfy the bloodlust

Because withering away

Consumed by cancers hand

Is an inadequate passing

For such a man

Perhaps some more public end

Shown on live TV

A public execution

For all the world to see

Stoning him to death

On the Whitehouse lawn

With Obama saying “yes we can”

As the families look on

THE MIRACLE OF FLIGHT

It has been said that the miracle of aviation

Is that the aeroplane is nothing more in interpretation

Than 50000 components flying in close formation

And hopefully all bound for the same destination