EIDOTHEA

 

Sea-nymph Eidothea,

Gifted with prophecy

Daughter of Proteus

The shape-shifting sea God

SEX TOY UPGRADE

 

In this modern age

It is certainly possible

For you to increase

Sexual arousal

With the use of mechanical devices

In particular

They work on women

One of these is a sports car

However, these devices

Don’t always work on a man

If he is inclined

To spend all the time, he can

Tinkering with the cars parts

Rather than the woman

RIGHT ON MAN

 

I am a white male
Anglo Saxon fifty something
Able-bodied heterosexual
And as a result in modern Britain
I have no rights whatever

BREATHLESS

 

My elderly maiden aunt

Suffers terribly from asthma

And yesterday she was phoned

By a heavy breather

After an hour it was unclear

Who was the original caller

WHEN I’M SIXTY FOUR

 

When I’m sixty four

And your back goes out more than you do

I will still love you

When I’m sixty four

And your ears are hairier than your head

I will still share your bed

When I’m sixty four

And you and your teeth no longer sleep together

I will still be your lover

A QUESTION OF HEALTH

 

If you stopped taking exercise

When you got your first TV remote

And you haven’t eaten lettuce

Since Maggie Thatcher got the vote

If you haven’t seen your feet

Since you were at primary school

And you think that a microwave

Is actually a power tool

If you think that alcohol

Is itself a food group

And you eat more crispy croutons

Than you do low calorie soup

If you answered yes

To any part of this questionnaire

Then someone is reading this

Too you in intensive care

A BRIGHT SPARK

 

Dave wanted to take a few days off

But he had already used all his holidays

So he thought if he acted mad

He might get sent home for a few days

 

So he hung upside down from a light fitting

And made a selection of funny noises

Blonde Bimbette the office temp,

Asked him what on earth he was doing

“I’m pretending to be a light bulb”

He said “In this ceiling light array

So the Boss will think I’m mad

And send me home for a few days”

 

Then the boss came in to the office

And asked what the hell he was doing

He told him “I’m a light bulb of course”

As he hung upside down from a light fitting

 

The boss said he was suffering from stress

And should go home for a few days

So he jumped down from the ceiling

And left the office for his bonus holidays

 

Then Bimbette the temp headed for the door

“Where are you going?" the boss had to ask

"Well I'm going home too” she replied

“You can’t expect me to work in the dark”