PERFECT WOMAN

 

The perfect woman for me

Will be easy to find really

My perfect woman indeed

Would only actually need

To make my life complete

Two tits and a heartbeat

MEN OF STATURE

 

A married woman was at home in bed

Not with her husband but a lover instead

They were deeply engrossed in the affair

When she heard her husband on the stair

“Oh my god my husband is home early

“Stand in the corner” she said “Hurry”

Then rubbed him with baby oil all over

And the dusted him with talcum powder

She said “Don't move until I tell you to” 

“And just pretend that you're a statue”

The husband asked, “What's this, honey?”

“Oh, a statue,” she replied nonchalantly

“The Smiths have one in their bedroom

I liked it so much, I got one for us too”

No more about the new statue was said

Not even later when they went to bed

The husband got out of bed around two

Walked out the room and went to the loo

Then he went downstairs to the kitchen

He came back with milk and a muffin

“Here,” the husband said to the statue

“Eat this and get a drink inside of you”

I was at the Smiths a day and a quarter

Without so much as a glass of water”

ROAD RAGE # 1

On the road someone cut me up today

So, he’d know that he was in my way

I hit the horn long and hard but alas

It was not working damn and blast

So, I flashed the lights at him instead

Then realization came into my head

I was in my wife’s car, which is Japanese

And the controls differ by degrees

But the action that my wipers displayed

Showed that my point was well made

It may have appeared to be quite funny

But it showed I was not a happy bunny

LUCKY LOTTO

Despite winning twenty million pounds

My feet are still firmly on the ground

So, I am the same despite my good news

But I am wearing much better shoes

RULE BRITANNIA # 3

 

I am proud to be British

Like many realists

As I am not expected to be

Scarred by duelists

LATE FOR WORK

 

I don’t like tardiness and in particular I don’t like being late for work but sometimes it just can’t be helped.

There was one particular morning this last winter when events overtook me, and I was late for work.

Damn it was so cold that morning as it was 7 below the night before, I know that in some country’s 7 below is considered mild but in Surrey it was bloody cold.

It took me an age to defrost the car and then I had to give the wife a jump start.

The poor old thing just would not start, and I had a real problem turning her over, still she’s getting on now I eventually got her going and once you get her firing on all cylinders she goes like the clappers.

So that it why I was late for work it’s a good job my wife’s car started first time otherwise she’d have been late for work too.

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 293

There were two birds sat on a stone

The farmer saw them and then went home

He returned later with a loaded gun

Took close aim and then there were none