TO A GARDENER
To a gardener,
A grassed over area
Is just a flowerbed
That has yet to appear
WHY DID THE DIVORCEE CROSS THE ROAD?
Why did the divorcee cross the road?
Well not just to get to the other side
The reason he wanted to cross over
Was so he could avoid another bride
WHEN I HAD MY VERY FIRST GARDEN
When I had my very first garden
It filled me with absolute terror
I didn’t have any experience
But I learnt by trowel and error
THE SIMPLE RED ROSE WAS ONCE
The simple red rose was once
The emblem of the English
But alas it has been replaced
In England by the satellite dish
WHY DID THE BACHELOR CROSS THE ROAD?
Why did the bachelor cross the road?
Well not just to get to the other side
The reason he wanted to cross over
Was so he could avoid finding a bride
BONSAI GRANDAD
My grandfather became such
A successful bonsai grower
He had to move to a house
Where the garden was smaller
THE MELONS ARE HAVING A BIG WEDDING
The Melons are having a big wedding
“Hello magazine” have the scoop
However they don’t really want
A big affair but they cantaloupe
WHY DID THE ADULTERER CROSS THE ROAD?
Why did the adulterer cross the road?
Well not just to get to the other side
The reason he wanted to cross over
Was so he could get to another man’s bride
THE MOST POPULAR NUDISTS
The most popular man in a nudist colony
Can carry 2 large coffees and twelve donuts
The most popular woman in a nudist colony
Is the one who can eat the last two donuts
THE WAY TO GARDEN EFFECTIVELY
To garden effectively, firstly, put on a hat
But be very careful, and choose the right one
Straw preferably, and it should have a
Wide brim to protect you from the sun
Some old clothes, but nothing too scruffy
It should be a stylish yet practical rig
And with a hoe in one hand and a cold drink
In the other, tell somebody else where to dig
Tuesday, 5 April 2016
A Little Bit Of Humour # 114
WHY DID THE FUGITIVE CROSS THE ROAD?
Why did the fugitive cross the road?
Well not just to get to the other side
The reason he wanted to cross over
Was so he could find somewhere to hide
THERE IS AN OWL OF LOW MORALS
There is an Owl of low morals
That frequents our park
And subsequently it doesn’t
Give a hoot after dark
A ROYAL WARRANT
In order for a Baker to get
A Royal warrant, it is said
They need to be like many
Royals and be inter-bred
THE BORDER AGENCY ARE STRUGGLING
The border agency are struggling
To prevent mosquitos from getting in
They’re very cunning creatures
Who all claim to be Asylum Zika’s
OUR NEIGHBOURS ARE ORGANIC DAIRY FARMERS
Our neighbours are organic dairy farmers
With special diets and all that ilk
N’owt good ever came of pampering cows
And all you’ll ever get is spoilt milk
NOBEL PRIZE’S
They give Nobel Prize’s for anything now
And the latest recipient has been revealed
The winner is a scarecrow of all things
Mind you he is outstanding in his field
IT RAINS IN ENGLAND
England has a reputation for being wet
And it’s a well-deserved one I fear
And the simple reason for that is that
The Queen has reigned so many years
IN THE VEGETABLE WORLD
In the vegetable world, the posh potatoes
Never listen to football on the radio
There is nothing they dislike greater
Than the sound of a Common-tater
A DOCTOR POINTED OUT
A Doctor pointed out a piece of lettuce
That protruded from the patient’s ear
And added that it might be serious
As it could be the tip of the iceberg
AMONG ABOMINABLE SNOWMEN
Among abominable snowmen
There is a virgin called Betty
And to all her kith and kin
She is known as a not Yeti
WHY DID THE BIGAMIST CROSS THE ROAD?
Why did the bigamist cross the road?
Well not just to get to the other side
The reason he wanted to cross over
Was so he could get to the other bride
Why did the fugitive cross the road?
Well not just to get to the other side
The reason he wanted to cross over
Was so he could find somewhere to hide
THERE IS AN OWL OF LOW MORALS
There is an Owl of low morals
That frequents our park
And subsequently it doesn’t
Give a hoot after dark
A ROYAL WARRANT
In order for a Baker to get
A Royal warrant, it is said
They need to be like many
Royals and be inter-bred
THE BORDER AGENCY ARE STRUGGLING
The border agency are struggling
To prevent mosquitos from getting in
They’re very cunning creatures
Who all claim to be Asylum Zika’s
OUR NEIGHBOURS ARE ORGANIC DAIRY FARMERS
Our neighbours are organic dairy farmers
With special diets and all that ilk
N’owt good ever came of pampering cows
And all you’ll ever get is spoilt milk
NOBEL PRIZE’S
They give Nobel Prize’s for anything now
And the latest recipient has been revealed
The winner is a scarecrow of all things
Mind you he is outstanding in his field
IT RAINS IN ENGLAND
England has a reputation for being wet
And it’s a well-deserved one I fear
And the simple reason for that is that
The Queen has reigned so many years
IN THE VEGETABLE WORLD
In the vegetable world, the posh potatoes
Never listen to football on the radio
There is nothing they dislike greater
Than the sound of a Common-tater
A DOCTOR POINTED OUT
A Doctor pointed out a piece of lettuce
That protruded from the patient’s ear
And added that it might be serious
As it could be the tip of the iceberg
AMONG ABOMINABLE SNOWMEN
Among abominable snowmen
There is a virgin called Betty
And to all her kith and kin
She is known as a not Yeti
WHY DID THE BIGAMIST CROSS THE ROAD?
Why did the bigamist cross the road?
Well not just to get to the other side
The reason he wanted to cross over
Was so he could get to the other bride
A Little Bit Of Humour # 113
GARDENING RULE
If you can’t tell the difference
Between a plant and weed
Then learn by pulling one up
That’s the best way to proceed
And if it comes out quite easily
Then the other one is the weed
SHEER EXTRAVAGANCE
A husband pays five hundred pounds
To get his wife a sheer negligée
So she thought she should pose for him
As it was a lot of money to pay
But decided to pretend to wear the item
And then next day get a refund on it
He looked on wide eyed and said
“For the price they could have ironed it”
WHY DID THE PHILANDERER CROSS THE ROAD?
Why did the philanderer cross the road?
Well not just to get to the other side
The reason he wanted to cross over
Was so he could get to another man’s bride
WE USED TO HAVE AN OWL
We used to have an Owl
He was really cute
But he had low self esteem
So didn’t give a hoot
A TODDLER STARTS CHEWING ON A SLUG
A toddler starts chewing on a slug
As mum looks on and squirms
But she asked what it tasted like
And the toddler replied "Worms"
A WEED IS A PLANT THAT HAS SIMPLY MASTERED
A weed is a plant that has simply mastered
Every survival skill in the way it grows
But with all its hardy guile and cunning
They haven’t yet learned to grow in rows
A MAN WAS LEFT MENTALLY SCARRED
A man was left mentally scarred
After swinging from trees in his yard
When a branch snagged on his leotard
So he was hoisted on his own petard
I’M A REALLY RUBBISH GARDENER
I’m a really rubbish gardener
I find it all a bit of a chore
If only I was better outside
At simple horticulture
And grow stuff in the garden
Like I do in the refrigerator
WHY DID THE VOYEUR CROSS THE ROAD?
Why did the voyeur cross the road?
Well not just to get to the other side
The reason he wanted to cross over
Was so he could find somewhere to hide
NEVER LOSE YOUR HEART TO A TENNIS PLAYER
Never lose your heart to a tennis player
And that goes for women and men
But it’s not that they are bad people
It’s just that love means nothing to them
BREAK A LEG
Telling actors to "Break a leg"
Is a tradition from long past
And the reason for it is this
Actors like to be in a good cast
WEEDS AND FLOWERS
The difference between
Weeds and flowers
Is without a doubt
That the garden weeds
Are the most difficult
By far to pull out
If you can’t tell the difference
Between a plant and weed
Then learn by pulling one up
That’s the best way to proceed
And if it comes out quite easily
Then the other one is the weed
SHEER EXTRAVAGANCE
A husband pays five hundred pounds
To get his wife a sheer negligée
So she thought she should pose for him
As it was a lot of money to pay
But decided to pretend to wear the item
And then next day get a refund on it
He looked on wide eyed and said
“For the price they could have ironed it”
WHY DID THE PHILANDERER CROSS THE ROAD?
Why did the philanderer cross the road?
Well not just to get to the other side
The reason he wanted to cross over
Was so he could get to another man’s bride
WE USED TO HAVE AN OWL
We used to have an Owl
He was really cute
But he had low self esteem
So didn’t give a hoot
A TODDLER STARTS CHEWING ON A SLUG
A toddler starts chewing on a slug
As mum looks on and squirms
But she asked what it tasted like
And the toddler replied "Worms"
A WEED IS A PLANT THAT HAS SIMPLY MASTERED
A weed is a plant that has simply mastered
Every survival skill in the way it grows
But with all its hardy guile and cunning
They haven’t yet learned to grow in rows
A MAN WAS LEFT MENTALLY SCARRED
A man was left mentally scarred
After swinging from trees in his yard
When a branch snagged on his leotard
So he was hoisted on his own petard
I’M A REALLY RUBBISH GARDENER
I’m a really rubbish gardener
I find it all a bit of a chore
If only I was better outside
At simple horticulture
And grow stuff in the garden
Like I do in the refrigerator
WHY DID THE VOYEUR CROSS THE ROAD?
Why did the voyeur cross the road?
Well not just to get to the other side
The reason he wanted to cross over
Was so he could find somewhere to hide
NEVER LOSE YOUR HEART TO A TENNIS PLAYER
Never lose your heart to a tennis player
And that goes for women and men
But it’s not that they are bad people
It’s just that love means nothing to them
BREAK A LEG
Telling actors to "Break a leg"
Is a tradition from long past
And the reason for it is this
Actors like to be in a good cast
WEEDS AND FLOWERS
The difference between
Weeds and flowers
Is without a doubt
That the garden weeds
Are the most difficult
By far to pull out
Wednesday, 9 March 2016
FATHERS DAY PRAYER
All his life, she’d been
Likened to his Dad
A chip off the old block
Birds of a feather
Two sides of the same coin
And just the other day
He was asked
How are you different to your Dad?
He replied that he hoped
In as fewer ways as possible
Likened to his Dad
A chip off the old block
Birds of a feather
Two sides of the same coin
And just the other day
He was asked
How are you different to your Dad?
He replied that he hoped
In as fewer ways as possible
MOTHERS DAY PRAYER
All her life, she’d been
Likened to her Mum
A chip off the old block
Birds of a feather
Two sides of the same coin
And just the other day
She was asked
How are you different to your Mum?
She replied that she hoped
In as fewer ways as possible
Likened to her Mum
A chip off the old block
Birds of a feather
Two sides of the same coin
And just the other day
She was asked
How are you different to your Mum?
She replied that she hoped
In as fewer ways as possible
Monday, 22 February 2016
Various
GRAMPA’S DARKEST DAY
Darkness descended since
We lost our brightest light
Daddy carries you in his arms
In that tiny coffin gleaming white
Goodbye my precious little angel
I will see you in the sky tonight
JOYS OF A CHILDHOOD LOST
We virtually lived outside
Me and my friends
On long summer adventures
Until the days ends
But we wernt just
The fair weather sort
We played outside even
When days were short
Rolling around in piles
Of autumn leaves of gold
Splashing through puddles
Despite being told
Playing imaginary games
About being lost in the fog
running through the woods
Chasing the dog.
In winter when Saturday came
Then off we’d go
With luck we’d wake
To find a fresh fall of snow
Then we’d happily sledge
Across the snowy land
Or build a snowman
Till we can’t feel our hands
Hours pass in minutes
As we’d happily roam
But despite the cold
We didn’t rush to get home
When we did we crunched
Through the crisp winter frost
Those were the joys
Of a childhood lost
I WAS LITTLE MORE THAN A LAD
I was little more than a lad
And my hometown lay behind me
But I didn’t walk the road
As a lad for very long,
I quickly became a man
So I walked for many years
And for many miles
In country and in town
Working in the sweet smelling fields
And the foul odorous cities
But I wandered tall and proud
Now the road lead me home
And the path breathes life
Into my wistful heart
SUNDIAL
The sun burned bright
Its rays struck the sundial
And cast a shadow
Shown in sharp relief
From the gnomon
Upon the brass dial
And as the straight edge
Reaches three o’clock
It’s time to go
WHY DO WE NEVER LEARN?
Why do we never learn?
We look back at past mistakes
And yet we do the same again
We view history
Without learning the lessons
Time and time again
But every time
History repeats itself
The price goes up
WE LOVE YOU STREET ANGELS
They are a constant about the place
They are the friendly face
Revellers stop on their merry way
And invariably they will say
As they lean at precarious angles
"We love you strangles"
THE STREET ANGELS HAVE TROD THE PATH
The Street Angels have trod the path
For Five years on Woking’s streets
Armed only with Gods light
And their calming influence
They are Not preachers of the word
Nor are they there to evangelise
They are the doers of deeds
The holders of hands
And the wipers of tears
They are a friendly face in the dark
Or a soothing word in the confusion
A conduit to common sense
The Angels do not judge
Nor are they there to chastise
Angels listen with sympathetic ears
And speak in a voice of pleasant reason
They give up their time
For the lost and the vulnerable
And the over enthusiastic revellers
Until the last club closes.
The Street Angels
Do not police the streets
But they do tread the path
And they are part of the peace
Darkness descended since
We lost our brightest light
Daddy carries you in his arms
In that tiny coffin gleaming white
Goodbye my precious little angel
I will see you in the sky tonight
JOYS OF A CHILDHOOD LOST
We virtually lived outside
Me and my friends
On long summer adventures
Until the days ends
But we wernt just
The fair weather sort
We played outside even
When days were short
Rolling around in piles
Of autumn leaves of gold
Splashing through puddles
Despite being told
Playing imaginary games
About being lost in the fog
running through the woods
Chasing the dog.
In winter when Saturday came
Then off we’d go
With luck we’d wake
To find a fresh fall of snow
Then we’d happily sledge
Across the snowy land
Or build a snowman
Till we can’t feel our hands
Hours pass in minutes
As we’d happily roam
But despite the cold
We didn’t rush to get home
When we did we crunched
Through the crisp winter frost
Those were the joys
Of a childhood lost
I WAS LITTLE MORE THAN A LAD
I was little more than a lad
And my hometown lay behind me
But I didn’t walk the road
As a lad for very long,
I quickly became a man
So I walked for many years
And for many miles
In country and in town
Working in the sweet smelling fields
And the foul odorous cities
But I wandered tall and proud
Now the road lead me home
And the path breathes life
Into my wistful heart
SUNDIAL
The sun burned bright
Its rays struck the sundial
And cast a shadow
Shown in sharp relief
From the gnomon
Upon the brass dial
And as the straight edge
Reaches three o’clock
It’s time to go
WHY DO WE NEVER LEARN?
Why do we never learn?
We look back at past mistakes
And yet we do the same again
We view history
Without learning the lessons
Time and time again
But every time
History repeats itself
The price goes up
WE LOVE YOU STREET ANGELS
They are a constant about the place
They are the friendly face
Revellers stop on their merry way
And invariably they will say
As they lean at precarious angles
"We love you strangles"
THE STREET ANGELS HAVE TROD THE PATH
The Street Angels have trod the path
For Five years on Woking’s streets
Armed only with Gods light
And their calming influence
They are Not preachers of the word
Nor are they there to evangelise
They are the doers of deeds
The holders of hands
And the wipers of tears
They are a friendly face in the dark
Or a soothing word in the confusion
A conduit to common sense
The Angels do not judge
Nor are they there to chastise
Angels listen with sympathetic ears
And speak in a voice of pleasant reason
They give up their time
For the lost and the vulnerable
And the over enthusiastic revellers
Until the last club closes.
The Street Angels
Do not police the streets
But they do tread the path
And they are part of the peace
A Little Bit Of Humour # 112
THE RUSSIAN AIRFORCE ARE DROPPING
The Russian Airforce are dropping
Amazon bombs on Syria
They are so called as they keep
Being left with a neighbour
FOGHORN LEGHORN LEFT
Foghorn Leghorn left
The basketball court
Wearing a scowl
Because he misunderstood
When he heard
The ref blew a foul
ROYAL ETIQUETTE
If you can’t turn your back
On her majesty
How can the royal chauffeur
Drive her safely
YOU KNOW YOU HAVE REACHED
You know you have reached
The end of your childhood
When knock down ginger is bad
And afternoon naps are good
SIT DOWN IN THE MEADOW
Sit down in the meadow
And we will bill and coo
We will choose a perfect spot
But please be careful do
Oh dear that was thoughtless
I did suggest you take care
It was rather ill considered
For you to sit down there
As if you lift your buttock up
You’ll see you squashed
A perfect patch of buttercup
THE SIMPLE DEFINITION OF MARRIAGE
The simple definition of marriage
I think you should understand
Is that one person is always right
And the other one is the husband
ARE YOU WEARING A BRANDY BARREL?
Are you wearing a brandy barrel?
Yes I know it’s like the rescue dog
But you know that the St Bernard
Doesn’t drink all of the grog
I’VE BEEN WORKING REALLY HARD LATELY
I’ve been working really hard lately
But I’ve got a day off today
It was nice not having to get up early
And have a snooze day Tuesday
THE PREDATORY MALE
The predatory male
As he hunts amidst the herds
Is only offended
By two four letter words.
The first one being “don't”
And “stop” being the other
And both words bring a halt
To his particular pleasure
Unless of course
They are used together
HE WAS A REAL JACK THE LAD
He was a real Jack the Lad
All flash and brash,
Living it large
And always splashing the cash
You might well be temped
But I advise nothing rash
If he tries it on give him the slip
And make a dash
ARE YOU WEARING LEGGINGS?
Are you wearing leggings?
That are baggy 'round the knees
As I can’t see them for myself
Can I have more details please?
I TOLD MY DAD
I told my dad “I want to be
A fortune teller init”
He said “Don’t be daft son
There’s no future in it”
I GOT A JOB AT THE CARNIVAL
I got a job at the carnival and
The hall of mirror was my selection
But it wasn’t what I thought
And it was a bad choice on reflection
FOGHORN LEGHORN WAS THROWN
Foghorn Leghorn was thrown
Off the court
As the crowd began to howl
And he would never again
Be a referee
All because he blew a fowl
DONATIONS TO SPERM BANKS
Donations to Sperm Banks
In the UK are in decline
Because most people today
Do their banking on line
FOGHORN LEGHORN’S WIFE ONLY LAID
Foghorn Leghorn’s wife only laid
Her eggs in the winter or fall
But that made sense, as she was
No Spring Chicken after all
The Russian Airforce are dropping
Amazon bombs on Syria
They are so called as they keep
Being left with a neighbour
FOGHORN LEGHORN LEFT
Foghorn Leghorn left
The basketball court
Wearing a scowl
Because he misunderstood
When he heard
The ref blew a foul
ROYAL ETIQUETTE
If you can’t turn your back
On her majesty
How can the royal chauffeur
Drive her safely
YOU KNOW YOU HAVE REACHED
You know you have reached
The end of your childhood
When knock down ginger is bad
And afternoon naps are good
SIT DOWN IN THE MEADOW
Sit down in the meadow
And we will bill and coo
We will choose a perfect spot
But please be careful do
Oh dear that was thoughtless
I did suggest you take care
It was rather ill considered
For you to sit down there
As if you lift your buttock up
You’ll see you squashed
A perfect patch of buttercup
THE SIMPLE DEFINITION OF MARRIAGE
The simple definition of marriage
I think you should understand
Is that one person is always right
And the other one is the husband
ARE YOU WEARING A BRANDY BARREL?
Are you wearing a brandy barrel?
Yes I know it’s like the rescue dog
But you know that the St Bernard
Doesn’t drink all of the grog
I’VE BEEN WORKING REALLY HARD LATELY
I’ve been working really hard lately
But I’ve got a day off today
It was nice not having to get up early
And have a snooze day Tuesday
THE PREDATORY MALE
The predatory male
As he hunts amidst the herds
Is only offended
By two four letter words.
The first one being “don't”
And “stop” being the other
And both words bring a halt
To his particular pleasure
Unless of course
They are used together
HE WAS A REAL JACK THE LAD
He was a real Jack the Lad
All flash and brash,
Living it large
And always splashing the cash
You might well be temped
But I advise nothing rash
If he tries it on give him the slip
And make a dash
ARE YOU WEARING LEGGINGS?
Are you wearing leggings?
That are baggy 'round the knees
As I can’t see them for myself
Can I have more details please?
I TOLD MY DAD
I told my dad “I want to be
A fortune teller init”
He said “Don’t be daft son
There’s no future in it”
I GOT A JOB AT THE CARNIVAL
I got a job at the carnival and
The hall of mirror was my selection
But it wasn’t what I thought
And it was a bad choice on reflection
FOGHORN LEGHORN WAS THROWN
Foghorn Leghorn was thrown
Off the court
As the crowd began to howl
And he would never again
Be a referee
All because he blew a fowl
DONATIONS TO SPERM BANKS
Donations to Sperm Banks
In the UK are in decline
Because most people today
Do their banking on line
FOGHORN LEGHORN’S WIFE ONLY LAID
Foghorn Leghorn’s wife only laid
Her eggs in the winter or fall
But that made sense, as she was
No Spring Chicken after all
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