Christmas 2015 # 4

ARE YOU WEARING A CHRISTMAS TIE?

Are you wearing a Christmas Tie?
Well my next question is why?
Because it really is quite unpleasant
Let me guess it was a present

BAD SANTA # 4

Bad Santa is a bit of a perve
And his special seasonal wish
Is for you to jingle his bells
So you get a White Christmas

CHRISTMAS PICKUP # 4

When you’re on the pull
If you want to break the ice
Say something funny
Or say something nice
Be complimentary
Or just lie in your endeavour
Be devastatingly witty
Or say something clever
During the Christmas season
Just say “I would love
To show you the special toys
My elves make for
The big girls and boys”

ARE YOU WEARING GREEN TINSEL?

Are you wearing green tinsel?
Tied around your lustrous curls
Like a goddess of the woods
Are you one of the “nature” girls?

I FOUND HER SITTING IN MY STUDY

I found her sitting in my study
And she was completely in the nuddy
So given the delicate situation
I exploited her infatuation
And as the church bells rang
We started Christmas with a bang

A RED RIBBON TIED IN YOUR HAIR

A red ribbon tied in your hair
You’re a lovely Christmas miss
Come under the mistletoe
And let me steal a Christmas kiss

ARE YOU A CHRISTMAS FAIRY?

Are you a Christmas Fairy?
It’s just you’re a little bit scary
And you also look a bit weird
I think it’s the long ginger beard

MRS CLAUS WAS COURTED

Mrs Claus was courted
By Santa and a man called Ray
Ray was a flash Harry
Who drove a red Chevrolet
Well it was no contest
At the end of the day
Because although he had a fast car
Santa had a faster sleigh

I EAT EVERYTHING

I love Christmas
The naughty and nice
I eat absolutely everything
Until I pay the price
And I make a Yule log
That I have to flush twice

NO FRANKINCENSE, GOLD OR MYRRH

Melchior, Balthazar and Caspar
Travelled long with Gifts to bring
Not frankincense, Gold or myrrh
Or other valuable precious things
But non glutenous food stuffs
As they were Wheat Free Kings

Christmas 2015 # 3

ARE YOU WEARING A CHRISTMAS CARDIGAN?

Are you wearing a Christmas Cardigan?
Please tell me you’re wearing it for a joke?
What do you mean it’s comfortable?
Are you that Val Doonican bloke?

BAD SANTA # 3

Bad Santa is a bit of a perve
So naughty girl when he comes into view
It won’t be candy cane in his pocket
He’ll be really pleased to see you!

CHRISTMAS PICKUP # 3

When you’re on the pull
If you want to break the ice
Say something funny
Or say something nice
Be complimentary
Or just lie in your endeavour
Be devastatingly witty
Or say something clever
During the Christmas season
Walk up to them and say sweetly
“Hey Angel, Shouldn't you
Be on top of the tree?”

LAST CHRISTMAS I GAVE YOU # 3

Last Christmas, I gave you my heart,
But I’m sorry to say,
That your gift to me
Was chlamydia

ARE YOU WEARING RED TINSEL?

Are you wearing red tinsel?
Tied amidst your lustrous curls
Red can be a devilish colour
So are you a devilish kind of girl?

I DON’T LIKE THE SHORTENED FORM

I don’t like the shortened form
Of Christmas, it’s not quaint
I dislike it because Xmas sounds
Like some kind of skin complaint

DON’T LOOK BACKWARDS, MERELY

Don’t look backwards, merely
Half-heartedly and insincerely
Remember those Christmas’s clearly
And remember the people dearly

DOWN AT THE SHOPPING MALL

Down at the shopping mall
There’s a lot of bustle and fuss
As the registers ring its beginning
To cost a lot like Christmas

THEY SAY THAT IT’S THE THOUGHT THAT COUNTS

They say that it’s the thought that counts
Rather than the size of the gift
But if you decided to give everyone your
Opinion in lieu they might be miffed

WE LOST THE TRUE MEANING OF CHRISTMAS

We lost the true meaning of Christmas
Almost from the start
It’s become about what’s in your pocket
And not what's in your heart

Christmas 2015 # 2

ARE YOU WEARING A CHRISTMAS HAT?

Are you wearing a Christmas Hat?
Sitting so perfectly on your head
A gorgeous little tit for tat
White trimmed and crimson red

BAD SANTA # 2

Bad Santa is a bit of a perve
For the girls with a bit of curve
He reads the naughty and nice list
But prefers the "nice and naughty list”

UKIP ADVENT CALENDAR # 2

You can now buy a UKIP
Advent calendar
I’ve never seen one before
I don’t know what message is inside
Because for some reason
All you can hear is a slamming door

CHRISTMAS PICKUP # 2

When you’re on the pull
If you want to break the ice
Say something funny
Or say something nice
Be complimentary
Or just lie in your endeavour
Be devastatingly witty
Or say something clever
Walk up to them and say
“Can I take a picture of you Miss,
So I can show Santa exactly
What I want for Christmas”

LAST CHRISTMAS I GAVE YOU # 2

Last Christmas, I gave you my heart,
But I’m sorry to say,
You really
Needed a kidney

ARE YOU WEARING GOLDEN TINSEL?

Are you wearing Golden tinsel?
Tied amidst your lustrous curls
It makes you look so beautiful
And more like an angel than a girl

WHEN CHRISTMAS DAY WAS OVER # 2

When Christmas Day was over
Mrs Claus needed a release
It was a very stressful time
Spreading good will and peace

So as soon as Santa was rested
She always liked to have a bit
Being partial to the "North Pole"
Well, that's what Mrs C calls it

YOU CAN KEEP THE SLEIGH # 2

You can keep the sleigh
And Rudolph and Prancer
There’s nothing Santa likes
More than a Pole Dancer

SANTA ANA AND HIS REINDEER

"Now Vortex! Now Bluster!
Now, Twister and Mizzle!
On, Cyclone! On, Humid!
On, Monsoon and Drizzle!
From their HQ in Exeter!
To the Met office ball!
Now dash away! Dash away!
Dash away all!"

THE CLAUS’S SAT BESIDE THE FIRE

The Claus’s sat beside the fire
And Santa was heard to say
When was the last Christmas
That we did it in a sleigh?

Christmas 2015 # 1

ARE YOU WEARING A FESTIVE SWEATER?

Are you wearing a festive sweater?
Well this season just keeps on getting better
And you really don’t need a bigger size
A more perfect fit would be hard to devise

BAD SANTA # 1

Bad Santa is a bit of a perve
For the girls with a bit of curve
And he think that the naughty list
Is really more like his to-do list

UKIP ADVENT CALENDAR # 1

You can now buy a UKIP
Advent calendar
I’ve never seen one before
There are no Christmas messages
It just says Fuck off
Behind every door

CHRISTMAS PICKUP # 1

When you’re on the pull
If you want to break the ice
Say something funny
Or say something nice
Be complimentary
Or just lie in your endeavour
Be devastatingly witty
Or say something clever
During the Christmas season
Walk up to them and say
“They call me Jingle Bells
Because I go all the way”

LAST CHRISTMAS I GAVE YOU # 1

Last Christmas, I gave you a scarf
But the very next week
You said “it was so last year”
Bloody cheek

ARE YOU WEARING SILVER TINSEL?

Are you wearing Silver tinsel?
Tied amidst your lustrous curls
It makes you look so beautiful
And more like an angel than a girl

WHEN CHRISTMAS DAY WAS OVER # 1

When Christmas Day was over
Mrs Claus needed a release
It was a very stressful time
Spreading good will and peace
So as soon as Santa was rested
She always liked to have a bit
And more often than not
They’d go and do it in the sleigh

YOU CAN KEEP THE SLEIGH # 1

You can keep the sleigh
And Rudolph and Prancer
There’s nothing Santa likes
More than a Lap Dancer

FROSTY, WINDY, CLOUDY AND SQUALLY

Frosty, Windy, Cloudy and Squally,
Misty, Rainbow and Precipitous Hail
Are the met office seven dwarfs
And let’s not forget Princess Gale

THE CLAUS’S LAY IN THEIR BED

The Claus’s lay in their bed
And Santa was heard to say
My lap isn't the only place
Where wishes come true

Potpourri

DOING WHAT YOU LIKE

Doing what you like
Does bring happiness for you
But the true source of joy
Is in liking what you do

HOPE SITS PATIENTLY

Hope sits patiently
Upon its primordial throne
A reassuring constant,
In a sea of change
Always there
Available to all
Like a beacon in the dark
To lost souls at sea
Pure unremitting Hope
An unquenchable thirst
An unsatisfied yearning
An unscratchable itch
There for everyone
When all else fails
Hope waits for us all
Sitting patiently
Upon its primordial throne
Since time immemorial
And until the end of time

THE ACCIDENTAL VILLAIN

I am the smoke
That simply floats away
On a convenient breeze
Drifting away
Powerless to stop
And at the mercy of the wind

I am the smoke and there is
A kind of beauty about me
But also there is danger in me

I am the smoke and I am mercurial
Appearing in many forms
I am thick like pea soup fog
Or thin and translucent like a veil

I am the smoke and
I have no purpose
I am only an after thought
A bi product of something useful
I am the smoke
And I am the villain

ENDSHIP

OldfriEND or New FriEND,
BoyfriEND or GirlfriEND,
BestFRIEND or FriEND,
They all have an END
So if you’re looking for longevity
Look no further than family

SWALK IS AN ACRONYM FOR

SWALK is an acronym for
“Sealed with a loving kiss”
Used when writing letters
To loved ones we miss

I SIT WITH A MIRROR STRAIGHT AHEAD OF ME

I sit with a mirror straight ahead of me
And another one placed behind me
So my image is repeated in perpetuity
That way I don’t feel so lonely

PUZZLING

How should I begin to describe you?
Well you are 13 down,
Without exception, and always 2 across
But you have never been 1 down
And sadly not once 19 across
You are four letters
Starting with a S and ending with a Y
You are coffee time and an acrostic too
As well as being cryptic
Let’s try 11 down followed by three across
Which is what might describe you
But I have never known you to be 7 down
A dictionary won’t help me, nor a thesaurus
You are Mind-bendingly vexatious, unfathomable
Inscrutable and infuriating enigmatic
And like most women I have known
You are an unsolvable puzzle to me

ON THAT BEAUTIFUL SUNLIT DAY IN JUNE

On that beautiful sunlit day in June
When they played that familiar tune
My heart was filled with happiness
When I saw you in the big white dress

I stole a sideways glance at you
And found you looking at me too
It was quite goofy we smiled so much
I took your hand and felt your tender touch

Proudly we stood together side by side
As before God the knot was tied
My heart filled again with happiness
As I wed the girl in the big white dress

If pride is a sin then I’ve sinned too much
I’ve felt it when I’ve felt your loving touch
I’ve felt it at our happiest and our saddest
And when I saw you in a maternity dress

Oh how I remember that day in June
When they played that familiar tune
And my heart was filled with happiness
When I saw you in the big white dress

And now as I look back across the years
To the times of laughter and of tears
I wish to tell it to the world and shout it loud
I’ve never said “I love you” and not felt proud

ILLUMINATED SUNSET CLOUDS

Illuminated sunset clouds, lit
Like smoke in a funeral pyre
In red and orange shades
As the sky burns with fire

THE TRUTH ABOUT FAMILY

Have you noticed that
Family Contains I L Y
Which stands for “I Love You”
And no one asks why

Shrovetide

SHROVETIDE

Shrovetide begins on Egg Saturday
Heralding the coming of lent
And deciding what to give up
Is normally the way it is spent

EGG SATURDAY

The first day of Shrovetide
Is Shrove or Egg Saturday
An Oxfordshire tradition
Sometimes called egg feast day

QUINQUAGESIMA SUNDAY

The second day of Shrovetide
Shrove Sunday or Quinquagesima
Celebrated in the Christian church
As the fiftieth day before Easter

COLLOP MONDAY

The third day of Shrovetide
Once known as Collop Monday
Named after Collops of bacon
A traditional dish of the day
Which was served with eggs
It’s the forgotten Shrove Monday

NICKANAN NIGHT

Nickanan Night or Shrove Monday evening
Was a time for boys to commit petty crime
Now we don’t have it on one special night
Instead now it appears to happen all the time

THE PANCAKE DAY RACE

The Pancake Day race was a popular event
And was held amidst much happy hoorays
Until the runners became too competitive
And behaved like parents on sports days

ASH WEDNESDAY

There is a religious reason
Why it is a significant day
But cremated pancake on the hob
Is the only ash around our way

WHAT DO YOU CALL THE DAY?

What do you call the day?
That comes after Ash Wednesday
And before kissing Friday
Well we just call it Thursday

KISSING FRIDAY

The tradition of kissing Friday
Was called Nippy Hug Day
When Leicestershire men
Could demand on that day
A kiss from any woman
Of his choice by custom
And if she was to refuse
He could then pinch her bum
But since world war two
Kissing Friday doesn’t apply
It has fallen from favour
I can’t understand why

A Little Bit Of Humour # 109

WHINGING BRITS ABROAD # 12

The beach was right outside the hotel
Which I suppose was alright
But is wasn’t much like the brochure
The sand was yellow not white

WINKS IS AN ACRONYM

WINKS is an acronym for
"Women with Incomes and
No Kids" plenty of money
But no ring on their hand

I HAD A TERRIBLE NIGHT’S SLEEP

I had a terrible night’s sleep
So I went to see Miss Alconbury
About a Chemistry question
But apparently we don’t have any

SHE ONLY COME TO ME WITH A PROBLEM

She only come to me with a problem
When she wants my help solving it
But if she’s looking for sympathy
Then she knows that I’m not fit
So her girlfriends must fill that need
Because I’m an unsympathetic git

MORNGY THURSDAY

At a soup kitchen, they ran out of food
Due to a basic error in their sums
And tempers flared among the homeless
In fact there were a lot of hot cross bums

ARE YOU WEARING A TURKEY SUIT?

Are you wearing a turkey suit?
I really love holiday pranks
But you look like a total arse
And for that I give thanks

THANKSGIVING DAY TURKEY

Bimbette was preparing
For Thanksgiving Day
One hour per pound
So the instructions say
“One hundred and ten
Pound’s is what I weigh”
Bimbette said and put
The Turkey on a baking tray
And roasted the bird
For almost five days

DETECTIVE FOGHORN LEGHORN

Detective Foghorn Leghorn
Was called to a crime scene today
To investigate the death
Of a Turkey, he suspects fowl play

DURING THE THANKSGIVING HOLIDAY

During the thanksgiving holiday
From coast to coast
What do you call a stuffed animal?
We call it a turkey roast

THERE IS A SPECIAL PLACE

There is a special place
In hell for people that play
Any Christmas music
Before Thanksgiving Day

IF AS THEY SAY, MARRIAGE IS A WAR

If as they say, Marriage is a war
Then it’s the only war as far as I can see
Where, as one of the protagonists
You get to sleep with the enemy

IF I HAVE A FIGHT WIFE MY WIFE

If I have a fight wife my wife, I think
“Don't take your troubles to bed”,
So I follow the advice to the letter
And sleep with someone else instead