ARE YOU WEARING? # 2

ARE YOU WEARING SOMETHING OLD?

Are you wearing something old?
A family heirloom lovingly handed down
Something of great personal sentiment
Pinned to your beautiful wedding gown

ARE YOU WEARING SOMETHING NEW?

Are you wearing something new?
On your wedding day
Sorry that’s a silly question
What a thing to say
You’re an Essex girl
So daddy is going to pay

ARE YOU WEARING SOMETHING NAUGHTY?

Are you wearing something naughty?
I’m thinking it’s naughty but very nice
Beneath your beautiful wedding dress
Something to give the night a little spice
White of course to remain in keeping
A touch of the virginal with a hint of vice

ARE YOU WEARING SOMETHING BLUE?

Are you wearing something blue?
You know, something old, something new,
Something borrowed, something blue
Are you wearing something blue?
Its ok I didn’t mean to panic you
I think you’ll find a garter will normally do

ARE YOU WEARING SOMETHING BORROWED?

Are you wearing something borrowed?
As part of your beautiful wedding dress
Something loaned to you with love
Intended to bring luck and lovingly bless

ARE YOU WEARING SOMETHING SAUCY?

Are you wearing something saucy?
Beneath your beautiful wedding livery
Little more than lacy bits of string
That should render you all shivery
When on your wedding night you are
Unwrapped like a special delivery

ARE YOU WEARING SOMETHING?

Are you wearing something?
As you glide gracefully down the aisle
Having knowledge of you as I do
Wearing no underwear is more your style

ARE YOU WEARING SOMETHING SEXY?

Are you wearing something sexy?
As part of your beautiful wedding out fit
Are you all gartered or suspender-ed
Beneath your beautiful wedding kit
Powdered perfumed and splendour-ed
Are you buffed and waxed a bit
Beneath your beautiful wedding dress
Are you bronzed and toned and fit
Is there silk and lace and bows
I hope you’re wearing all the kit

ARE YOU WEARING AMERICAN PANTS?

Are you wearing American Pants?
I’m sorry I didn’t mean to scoff
But I’ve heard about American pants
Just one yank and their off

ARE YOU WEARING FAKE TAN?

Are you wearing fake tan?
Or have you been out in the sun
Either way I’m not really fussed
But seeing your white bits might be fun

PANCAKE DAY

TOSSING A PANCAKE

Tossing a pancake
I can do that
Just get a fry pan
Heat up the fat
Mix up the batter
As easy as that
One on the ceiling
One on the cat
One on the door
One on the mat
One on my head
Like a sweet sticky hat

TOSSING THE PANCAKE

Tossing the pancake
How hard could it be?
Well quite difficult
Which surprised me
What an awful mess
After the first three
I gave up after four
That landed on me

I THOUGHT I’D TRY TOSSING A PANCAKE

I thought I would try tossing a pancake
Well that turned out to be a big mistake
The first three didn’t leave the pan at all
The next two were sliding down the wall
The only one dispatched with any grace
Then splashed hot fat right in my face

PANCAKE DAY

For the world at large shrove Tuesday
Precedes Ash Wednesday
For my unfortunate family stove Tuesday
Precedes trash Wednesday

AT THE ANNUAL PANCAKE RACE

At the annual pancake race
The winner is always smug Trace
I’m always at the rear of the chase
Limping home in last place
Then I must congratulate Trace
And engage in a false embrace
When I really want to hear the base
Of the frying pan hitting her face

A QUESTION OF SPORT

A GAME OF ARRA’S

Me and some friends
Fancied a game of darts
I said, “Nearest the bull
To see who starts”
Johnny went “Woof”
And I went “Baah”
Then Danny went “Moo”
He was the closest by far

GOOD OLD FIFA

Good old FIFA
Are getting very fat
With a fee for this
And a fee for that

A GAME OF ALL FOURS

When she suggested
A game of all fours
I thought that meant
Getting into her drawers
But no I was wrong
Which is a shame
It turns out “all fours”
Is just a card game


ACED

My uncle sadly died at Wimbledon
He was a killed by a tennis ball
I wasn’t too sad at the funeral
It was a lovely service after all

ARE YOU WEARING PLUS FOURS?

Are you wearing plus fours?
Well they look just the job
The tweeds with argyle socks
But you do look like a nob

ARE YOU WEARING PLUS TWOS?

Are you wearing plus twos?
Well listen, here’s the bad news
It looks as though the plus twos
Have fallen out with your shoes

ARE YOU WEARING OLYMPIC SUITS?

Are you wearing Olympic suits?
Well you’re looking very smart
You’re Essex lads aren’t you?
I bet you can’t wait for it to start
You will show to the world at large
That you have good hearts
When you’re lighting the torches
Show us you possess some smarts
For I hope there is more to you
When the 2012 Olympiad starts
Than dropping your tailored trousers
And lighting up your farts

OK MY LITTLE SEX POODLE

“Ok my little sex poodle
Get up those stairs right now
Quickly get up those stairs
You horny little cow”

“Oh you sweet talker
You have the gift and how
I’m your spanky sex poodle
I’m your willing little frau”

“No I mean it get upstairs
You don’t have to kowtow
Just get upstairs without delay
The match is starting now”

THE BEST IN THE WORLD

I wont hear a word against our tennis players
It’s true that they certainly have their detractors
But I have always thought British players
Make truly world-class tennis commentators

SINCE THE BBC SACKED ALL THE DALEKS

SINCE THE BBC SACKED ALL THE DALEKS # 1

Since the BBC sacked all the Daleks
Most are just scrounging off the state
But there is one working at our salon
He doesn’t really communicate
And he scares a lot of the customers
When is says “Exfoliate, exfoliate”

SINCE THE BBC SACKED ALL THE DALEKS # 2

Since the BBC sacked all the Daleks
Most are just scrounging off the state
But there is one working at our uni
He doesn’t really communicate
And he scares a lot of the students
When is says “Extrapolate, Extrapolate”
SINCE THE BBC SACKED ALL THE DALEKS # 3

Since the BBC sacked all the Daleks
Most are just scrounging off the state
But there is one working at the Vatican
He doesn’t really communicate
And it scares a lot of the devout
When it says Excommunicate, Excommunicate

SINCE THE BBC SACKED ALL THE DALEKS # 4

Since the BBC sacked all the Daleks
Most are just scrounging off the state
But there is one working at the Old Bailey
He doesn’t really communicate
And it scares a lot of the Barristers
When it says Exonerate, Exonerate

SINCE THE BBC SACKED ALL THE DALEKS # 5

Since the BBC sacked all the Daleks
Most are just scrounging off the state
But there is one working at the Old Bailey
He doesn’t really communicate
And it scares a lot of the Barristers
When it says Extenuate, Extenuate

SINCE THE BBC SACKED ALL THE DALEKS # 6

Since the BBC sacked all the Daleks
Most are just scrounging off the state
But there is one working at the Uni
He doesn’t really communicate
And it scares a lot of the debaters
When it says Expostulate, Expostulate

SINCE THE BBC SACKED ALL THE DALEKS # 7

Since the BBC sacked all the Daleks
Most are just scrounging off the state
But there is one working at Tesco’s
He doesn’t really communicate
And it scares a lot of the shoppers
When it says Extortionate, Extortionate

SINCE THE BBC SACKED ALL THE DALEKS # 8

Since the BBC sacked all the Daleks
Most are just scrounging off the state
But there is one working at the theme park
He doesn’t really communicate
And it scares a lot of the visitors
When it says Exhilarate, Exhilarate

SINCE THE BBC SACKED ALL THE DALEKS # 9

Since the BBC sacked all the Daleks
Most are just scrounging off the state
But there is one working as a Miner
He doesn’t really communicate
And it scares a lot of the workers
When it says Excavate, Excavate


SINCE THE BBC SACKED ALL THE DALEKS # 10

Since the BBC sacked all the Daleks
Most are just scrounging off the state
But there is one working at the Hotel
He doesn’t really communicate
And it scares a lot of the Guests
When it says Remunerate, Remunerate

ARE YOU WEARING? # 1

ARE YOU WEARING LILY OF THE VALLEY?

Are you wearing
“Lily of the valley”?
It smells very much
Like you are Sally
So don’t deny it
I can tell that it’s true
“Lily of the valley”?
How old are you?

ARE YOU WEARING BODY PAINT?

Are you wearing body paint?
Don’t tell me that you aint
Now you’ve got me in a fluster
I can see its glorious lustre
What a sexy sight to savour
What? It’s chocolate flavour?
Don’t tease me now stop it
There’s only one thing can top it
I’ll tell you and no mistake
And that’s a Cadbury’s flake

ARE YOU WEARING A FLOWER?

Are you wearing a flower?
Pinned to your lapel
A Rose or a Carnation
So your date can easily tell
Who you are in the crowd
And you can see them as well

But if you cannot spot them
Stood beneath the tower
And you find yourself alone
Long after the allotted hour
Somewhere on the floor
Will be a discarded flower

ARE YOU WEARING A CARNATION?

Are you wearing a carnation?
To mark you out at the station
As you stand beneath the clock
In your best evening frock
Or do you keep it under your cloak
Until you get a look at the bloke
And if you don’t fancy him
Do you throw it in the bin?

ARE YOU WEARING UNDER CRACKERS?

Are you wearing under crackers?
To cover up your knackers
Is the boxer revolution
Your best underwear solution
Or do they dangle to and fro
As you walk about commando

ARE YOU WEARING A WEDDING RING?

Are you wearing a wedding ring?
Well never mind about that old thing
You’re only married, you haven’t died
Come on you know you want to inside
Don’t worry about the wedding ring
Come on have some fun let’s have a fling

ARE YOU WEARING AN ENGAGEMENT RING?

Are you wearing an engagement ring?
Oh isn’t it a beautifully sparkly thing
It clearly signifies as it sparkles in the light
That you haven’t yet married Mr Right
So even if the answer might well be no
It’s definitely well worth giving it a go

ARE YOU WEARING A NEGLIGEE?

Are you wearing a negligee?
It’s really very nice, I must say
I can see through it all the way
Every line, every curve, every dip
But if I might just offer a little tip
The foliage could do with a clip

ARE YOU WEARING CLEAN UNDERWEAR?

Are you wearing clean underwear?
That’s what my mum asked me. I swear
Every time I left the house to go out
Are you wearing clean underwear? She’d shout
As I proceeded swiftly with my fleeing
But her concern was not for my well being
She was worried about her embarrassment
If I were to suffer a serious accident
And be undressed by the nursing staff
Where my dirty pants would raise a laugh

ARE YOU WEARING SOMETHING WICKED?

Are you wearing something wicked?
Are you black clad beneath the white?
Underneath your dress are you silkily encased?
For a very wicked wedding night

ARE YOU WEARING SOMETHING SHOCKING?

Are you wearing something shocking?
Beneath your beautiful wedding dress
Well it’s not the stockings and suspenders
But your tattooed arse that will cause distress

21ST CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 231

Ky-me Nay-mo
Kilt-a ky-mo
Ky-me nay-mo
Ky-me
Man dig that scat cat daddio

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 232

Rim strim stram-a-diddle
Larra-bum-a-ring ting
Rig-num bulletin a-ky-mo!

Ah that’s Jazz man

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 233

Leg over leg,
As the man went to Dover;
When he came to a girl
He got his leg over

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 234

Miss Jane had a bag
It was robbed in a minute
She opened the bag
And a scouser was in it

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 235

As I was going by Charing Cross,
A cyclist ran me down of course

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 236

To market, to market, a gallop a trot,
To buy some meat to put in the pot;
Make sure its meat don’t let them con you
I won’t be impressed if you come home with tofu

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 237

There was a little guinea-pig,
In my neighbours house
Why?
Anybody?

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 238

There was an old woman
Tucked up in a basket
They use them now
Instead of a casket

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 239

My father left me three acres of land,
Oh grand, oh grand
And what can be found on this land?
Only sand, just sand

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 240

Buzz wuzz was that little fly
And how he loved to caper
Up and down the room he flew
Until I hit it with my paper

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 241

St. Swithin's day if thou dost rain
For forty days it will remain
And that’s the English summer for you

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 242

St. Swithin's day if thou be fine
For forty days the sun will shine
And if you believe that you’ll believe anything

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 243

The Barber shaved the Mason,
And then at the close
The barber did propose
Something for the weekend sir?

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 244

John Cook was a cyclist
All licra clad
He rides the road and the pavement
Equally as bad

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 245

John Cook was riding up
Shooter's Bank,
Pedalling fast
He thought running red lights a bit of a prank

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 246

John Cook was riding up
Shooter's Hill,
Pedalling fast
Pedestrians scattering to avoid being killed

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 247

John Cook was riding down the road
Pedalling fast
He hit a pothole
And has ridden his last

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 248

To market, to market, to buy a plum cake;
Make sure it’s a plum cake, don’t make a mistake
I don’t want a Battenberg at any price
Because it is foreign and not very nice

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 249

To market, to market to buy a fat piggy;
Make sure its not skinny or twiggy
To market, to market, to buy us a hog;
Make sure you don’t come home with a dog

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 251

Mary hand a little lamb
The sweetest lamb devised
But when all said and done
The midwife was surprised

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 252

Mary hand a little lamb
And how sweet the lamb looks
Then the midwife said
“Well that’s one for the text books”

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 253

There once was a lady named Paddy Rabbitt
Who had a flat in Tower Bridge she did inhabit
But no one would believe it
Not a living soul would have it
That a flat in Tower Bridge housed Paddy Rabbitt

For StanTheMan

A Christmas Selection Box # 11

EVER SO HUMBLE

When toward my bed I stumble
My wife greets me with a grumble
“Hello my little apple crumble”
I say as in her nightgown I fumble
My advances are met with a mumble
“Dearest, my desire is quite humble
A little bit of rough and tumble”
Her reply is yet another mumble
But we did have a Christmas fumble

SANTA AND HIS LITTLE ELF

Santa and his little Elf
Have been dismissed
For activities undertaken
When they were pissed
That got both of them
Put on the naughty list

CHRISTMAS SWEATER

My sister in law
Fills a sweater well
I think she’s rather hot
The truth to tell

For Christmas
I bought for her
A button fronted
Lambs wool sweater

I want to see her in it
I just can’t wait
She has a figure
To really fascinate

It has ten buttons
It’ll be a tight fit
Very figure hugging
That’s how I like it

She has breasts
Quite first rate
She has curves
That really titillate

She has a figure
To really fascinate
Of the ten buttons
She’ll only fasten eight

ARE YOU WEARING CHRISTMAS KNICKS?

Are you wearing Christmas knicks?
Proper novelty underwear
All festively decked down below
In a suitably seasonal pair
It doesn’t matter the decor
It will make an old man stare
Just you in your Christmas knickers
What wonderful Christmas fare

MERRY CHRISTMAS HO HO HO

Merry Christmas Ho Ho Ho
Is Santa’s motto
And Santa thought that
He’d won the lotto
When he scored big
With three girls so hot-o
They were doing things
In Santa’s grotto
That Santa’s and Elves
Should definitely not-o
But merry Christmas
Ho Ho Ho is his motto

SANTA AND ELFIE

Santa and Elfie
Were caught in the buff
At it in the grotto,
Santa and his bit of stuff
The store manager
Decided to get tough
And sacked them
Saying enough was enough
Now Santa’s not jolly
In fact he’s quite gruff
As Santa’s little helper
Is now up the duff

DEPARTMENT STORE SANTA

Against my better judgement
I took my young son to the store
And we queued up for an hour
So he could see Santa Claus

The grotto was cheap and nasty
It was a terrible site to behold
I thought the whole thing a rip off
And my son thought he was too old

Santa’s little helper was pregnant
The head Elf was high as a kite
But I thought if we stayed in line
Every thing would turn out alright

Well he climbed onto Santa’s lap
To tell him his Christmas wish
But Santa smelled of whisky
And his trousers smelled of piss

It was about making memories
Well, according to my wife
But instead of a memorable visit
I think we scarred him for life

NEW FOR CHRISTMAS

There is to be a new sanitary product
That is set to make cash registers ring
A new tampon in the shops by Christmas
That comes complete with a tinsel string

The retailers are extremely confident
And believe that sales will be myriad
But they have been at pains to stress
They are only meant for the festive period

ARE YOU WEARING CHRISTMAS STOCKINGS?

Are you wearing Christmas stockings?
Beneath your long red coat
Are you suitably resplendent?
Will you really float my boat?
Are they risqué and shocking?
Will they easily get my vote?
It could mean a happy Christmas
For a certain horny old goat

DEAR SWEET CINDERELLA

Dear sweet Cinderella
Does no one love you at all?
Is that the real reason?
You’re not going to the ball

Or is there another reason
Are you just too sweet?
Just simply too demure
To be given such a treat

If your morals were looser
You would gain a reputation
And you would be asked
Without any hesitation

A stain on your character
Will show blacker than cinders
And you will go to the ball
And have a ball dear Sin-ders

BRANDISHING YOUR MISTLETOE

It’s Christmas Eve so off you go
Start brandishing your mistletoe
March off purposely through the snow
To find yourself a Christmas ho

ARE YOU WEARING CHRISTMAS GARTERS?

Are you wearing Christmas garters?
Answer me that one for starters
Beneath your dress up high
Around your black clad thigh
Where the black sheath is stopping
Where they are lacy at the topping
Are there festive garter rings
Sexily placed decorative things
Please answer this one for starters
Are you wearing Christmas garters?

IT’S THE OFFICE CHRISTMAS DO

It’s the office Christmas do
So let’s have a tipple or two
We can drink the Spanish sherry
We can drink until we’re merry
Then into an office we’ll stumble
And we’ll have a Christmas fumble
CHRISTMAS NEW BORN

You came into our lives
A fighter and a screamer
Born to us at Christmas
Just like our redeemer

And how we loved you
Right from the very start
But naming you was hard
What name should we impart?

Then like a light coming on
The answer rang like a bell
You were born at Christmas
So we would call you Noelle

IF ANYONE LOVED CHRISTMAS

If anyone loved Christmas
Then it would be Molly
She loved the mistletoe
She loved the holly
She loved drinking eggnog
She loved feeling jolly

And between me and you
Mr Jolly liked it too