ARE YOU WEARING? # 15

ARE YOU WEARING A TEN GALLON HAT?

Are you wearing a ten gallon hat?
Well no there’s nothing wrong with that
And after all it does have to be said
You do have a ten gallon head

ARE YOU WEARING A NIGHTGOWN?

Are you wearing a nightgown?
A subtle shade of light brown
You look sad in your nightgown
You even have a slight frown
Let me grab your nightgown
A subtle shade of light brown
And pull it quickly right down
And I’ll remove that slight frown

ARE YOU WEARING CHAPS?

Are you wearing chaps?
And that perfectly fine of course
Apart from the one little fact
That you can’t ride a horse

ARE YOU WEARING DUNGAREES?

Are you wearing dungarees?
I think they are really nice
You should wear them more often
That would be my advice
Because I can strip you down
To your Knicks in a trice

ARE YOU WEARING A HAIRNET?

Are you wearing a hairnet?
You work at a baker’s shop I bet
I have a favourite Bakery
Where i find my favourite pastry
I particularly love baps and buns
The baker’s daughter has nice ones

ARE YOU WEARING A SHOCKED EXPRESSION?

Are you wearing a shocked expression?
Well that’s certainly the impression
But it’s never as bad as it seems
“You’ve just seen the girl of your dreams?”
“In which case you have my sympathy
Because I’ve had dreams like that you see”

ARE YOU WEARING GLITTER?

Are you wearing glitter?
On your down below
You’re all blinged up
Where only I should go
Your vajayjay been vagazzled
You’ve decked your minge
It looks like a disco ball
You might as well say blinge

ARE YOU WEARING THIS?

Are you wearing this?
What could be wrong?
Absolutely nothing
In fact nothing sums it up
There’s nothing to it
It covers nothing
And it leaves nothing
To the imagination

ARE YOU WEARING THIS AND THAT?

Are you wearing this and that?
A Purple and Chartreuse fleece
With sky blue corduroy flares
Watch out for the fashion police

ARE YOU WEARING THIS OR THAT?

Are you wearing this or that?
They both look really very nice
And you’ve tried on everything
In your wardrobes, twice
What’s wrong with looking nice?
I think they both look alright
I know you would prefer stunning
I would prefer to get there tonight

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 259

Matthew, Mark, Luke and John
Guard the bed that I lie on:
Four corners to my bed
Four angels round my head,
One to watch and one to pray
And two to bear my soul away
This is comforting you may say
But look at it another way
With angels round my bed
And lustful thoughts in my head
I can’t seem to find a way
That I can get my end away

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 260

Says the little girl to the little boy,
"What shall we do?"
“I could play with your little toy”?
“That we could do”

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 261

Says the little boy to the little girl,
"What shall we do?"
“Could I play among your curls”?
“That we could do”

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 262

Tom he was a piper's son,
He learned to play when he was young,
But of all the things that he could play
He was happiest at his drum array

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 263

Tommy Snooks and Bessie Brooks
Were walking out one Sunday;
Tommy Snooks and Bessie Brooks
Walked to the woods this one day
And Tommy Snooks to Bessie Brooks,
Had something of a fun day

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 264

If Candlemas day
Be dry and fair
Will anyone
Actually care?

Candlemas day (February 2nd)

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 265

If Candlemas day
Be wet and foul
Then we all will wear
The usual scowl

Candlemas day (February 2nd)

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 266

If St Paul's day
Be fair and clear
Then Wimbledon
Will be good this year
And strawberries will
Sell well my dear

St Paul's day (June 29th)

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 267

Bless you, bless you, bonny bee:
Say, when will your wedding be?
I’m only interested I should say
So we can all come and ruin your day

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 268

There was a man lived in the moon,
And it was in July, And not in June
When the man who lived in the moon,
Found the Americans had come

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 269

A carrion crow sat on an oak,
A gallows tree, for a carrion crow,
“Soon I’m going to eat that bloke”
Said the carrion crow sat on the oak,

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 270

A Little Cock Sparrow
Sat on a tree,
Until a sparrow hawk
Ate him for his tea

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 271

There was an Old Woman lived under a hill
There was an old woman
Lived under a hill,
Now she has died
And there she lies still

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 272

Mary had a little lamb
She also had a ram
But he was too light on his feet
So wasn’t worth a damn

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 273

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall
Luckily he didn’t end up in bits
Because he was so off his tits

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 274

Humpty Dumpty fell off a wall
No one actually saw it at all
And he can’t say what the truth is
Because he’s totally gone to pieces

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 275

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall
All the Kings horses and all the Kings men
Never saw Humpty Dumpty again

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 276

Little Jack Horner
Sat in a corner
Reading a copy of “Jugs”
Not a classy read
He did willingly concede
But it gave him a couple of tugs

EASTER

EASTER LILY

The Easter Lily
Blooms in the spring
The large white flower
Is beautiful thing
Its trumpet-shape
Says let spring begin

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 254

Hot cross buns!
Hot cross buns!
In January,
In January,
Hot cross buns!
If Tesco don’t have them,
Go to Morrison’s
They have many
They have many
Hot Cross Buns!

CRUCIFIX

You were the love
Of the world
And we nailed you to a cross
We tried to kill love
With nail in hand
And spear in flesh
But we failed
You pleaded for us
Apologised for us
Then you died for us
You’re the love
Of the world

EASTER CACTUS

The Easter cactus
The spring-bloomer
It’s jointed flat Segments
Look like experiments
Made by a young boy
With a construction set toy
But the coral-red flowers
Light up the spring hours

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 255

The Easter Bunny's feet
Go hop, hop, hop.
I want to eat the bunny
I can’t stop, stop, stop.
So I chase him with an axe
Going chop, chop, chop.

EASTER PARADE

In your Easter Bonnet
With all the frills upon it,
You’re never going to wear it?
In the Easter parade.

We’ll all be falling over
As your sitting in your Rover
Coz you’ll be the biggest Charlie
In the Easter parade.

VIA DOLOROSA

The path that Jesus walked
Carrying his cross with him
Was the Via Dolorosa
In the old city of Jerusalem

It was the way of sorrows
The way of grief
The way of suffering
For his life so brief

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 256

We didn't hear the Easter bunny
Hopping down the hall;
He hopped so very quietly,
He made no noise at all!
So we rigged up a trip wire
That he didn’t see at all

ON A HILL IN CALVARY

On a hill in Calvary
In a savage unenlightened time
Nailed upon a rugged cross
By brutal hand
They thought to kill a man
To snuff out his light
That light of purest love
Unquenchable, indestructible
On that hill in Calvary
He died for us
The shadow of that cross
Cast upon the bloody land
Was an illuminating shadow
That spread light and love
Shining across millennia
Unquenchable, indestructible
On that hill in Calvary
He died for us
In that savage unenlightened time
Murdered by brutal hand
Humiliated, dehumanized
But through his love for us
And his sacrifice for us
He redeemed us

EASTER BUNNY

About the Easter bunny
I think it’s really funny
That a big white rabbit
Is in the unusual habit
Of delivering Easter eggs
On his funny rabbit legs
I think it must change
And we must rearrange
So for delivering at any rate
Eggs made of chocolate
Employ a chocolate chicken
That’s what I reckon

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 257

Mr Bunny, Mr Bunny,
Won't you stop, stop, stop?
"No," said Mr Bunny,
I must hop, hop, hop.
So I shot the little bastard

EASTER LILY VINE

The Easter Lily vine
Likes to entwine
This woody Evergreen
With leaves of glossy sheen
The flowers are a showy sight
Of trumpet-shaped fragrant white

EASTER EGG HUNT

When it comes to hiding the eggs
In the garden at Easter
I can actually hide my own now
Thanks to Dementia

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 258

Bunnies are brown,
Bunnies are white,
Bunnies at Easter
Are a chocolate delight

THE SHADOW OF GOLGOTHA

Our lord beaten and bloody
Sent to die like a criminal
To add insult upon injury
Atop his tousled curls
Was set a thorny crown
Pressed into his scalp
He carried his cross
Upon his bloodied back
Through narrow streets
To the baying of the crowds
Then onto the hill of Calvary
Where the prince of peace
Was nailed to his cross of pain
And dealt the final blow
His side pierced by a spear
His earthly life ebbing away
Through the open wound
He called out to God
But not for vengeance
He asked that they be forgiven
And his cross of pain
Cast a Holy shadow
Across the world
That reached every corner
But the shadow cast
Was not one of darkness
But one of light
A divine light
The light of love
Which still shines today
For it is the eternal light of God

EASTER DAISY

The Easter daisy
A dwarf tufted stem-less herb
A rosette of woolly leaves
Its roundness is quite superb
And the large white-rayed bloom
Is the daisies Easter costume

ARE YOU WEARING FOR EASTER

ARE YOU WEARING ANY DRAWERS?

Are you wearing any drawers?
I would like a look at yours
I bet a pound to a penny
You’re not wearing any
There we have it at last
You are as I thought bare arsed
Even if you have an excuse
It still makes you look loose
And its still very low rent
If you’ve given them up for lent

ARE YOU WEARING BUNNY EARS?

Are you wearing bunny ears?
They have an ability to regale
But to be quite honest
I’m more interested in your tail

ARE YOU WEARING EASTER STOCKINGS?

Are you wearing Easter stockings?
Beneath your long spring coat
Are you suitably resplendent?
Will you really float my boat?
Are they risqué and shocking?
Will they easily get my vote?
It could mean a happy Easter
For a certain horny old goat

ARE YOU WEARING EASTER GARTERS?

Are you wearing Easter garters?
Answer me that one for starters
Beneath your dress up high
Around your black clad thigh
Where the black sheath is stopping
Where they are lacy at the topping
Are there festive garter rings
Sexily placed decorative things
Please answer this one for starters
Are you wearing Easter garters?

ARE YOU WEARING EASTER KNICKS?

Are you wearing Easter knicks?
Proper novelty underwear
All festively decked down below
In a suitably seasonal pair
It doesn’t matter the decor
It will make an old man stare
Just you in your Easter knickers
What wonderful springtime fare

ARE YOU WEARING AN EASTER BONNET?

Are you wearing an Easter bonnet?
With pretty flowers upon it
What I lovely sight to behold
It must be tiresome to be told
So let me write a pretty sonnet
For the girl in the Easter bonnet

ARE YOU WEARING EASTER DRAWERS?

Are you wearing Easter drawers?
I would like a look at yours
I bet a pound to a penny
You’re not wearing any
There we have it at last
You are as I thought bare arsed
Of course it makes you look loose
Even if you have an excuse
What goes thru your head Meg
We’re not hiding that kind of egg

ARE YOU WEARING EASTER HOSIERY?

Are you wearing Easter hosiery?
Phwor are you going to let me see
Oh how they cling to the shape of you
I would like to cling to them too
Oh yes I like them very much
Perhaps I might have a touch
Oh you are a proper tease
Would you let me if I said please?

ARE YOU WEARING EASTER KNICKERS?

Are you wearing Easter knickers?
Is that appropriate for vicars
Just kneel upon this hassock
While I rummage in your cassock
The bishop wouldn’t think it funny
My naughty little Easter bunny

ARE YOU WEARING EASTER TIGHTS? # 1

Are you wearing Easter tights?
Oh how they are exciting me
Adorned with an Easter egg motif
What an egg hunt this will be

ARE YOU WEARING EASTER TIGHTS? # 2

Are you wearing Easter tights?
Adorned with a appropriate motif
Well if those long festive limbs
Decorated with an Easter motif
Were to entwine about me
Then my resistant would be brief

ARE YOU WEARING EASTER STOCKINGS? # 2

Are you wearing Easter stockings?
With a bunny rabbit motif
Along those long festive garlands
How I wish to trace each relief
Along each luscious limber leg
An ascent exquisitely brief
To reach the special Easter gift
Beyond the bunny rabbit motif

ARE YOU WEARING? # 14

ARE YOU WEARING PRIESTLY GARMENTS?

Are you wearing priestly garments?
How good you look in your vestments
Can you share any indiscretions?
That you hear during confessions
Oh what a shame you cannot share
I would like to be a fly in there
But what torture it must truly be
Having taken a vow of celibacy
And denying yourself the pleasures,
Of plundering earthly treasures
Only to sit each day in confessions
Listening to others sinful discretions

ARE YOU WEARING PROTECTION?

Are you wearing protection?
It may have been a wise selection
Not that I’m some kind of Lolita
It’s just that I’m a messy eater

ARE YOU WEARING A SOMBRERO?

Are you wearing a sombrero?
Have you been somewhere in the sun?
I was told you were in Cahoots
I didn’t believe it for a second hon.
I told them you can’t go there alone
You have to be there with someone.

ARE YOU WEARING A PITH HELMET

Are you wearing a pith helmet?
Oh the great white hunter yet
But that’s just a pose you strike
Great white tin opener more like

ARE YOU WEARING SUNNIES?

Are you wearing sunnie’s?
Oh dear you do look funny
I almost didn’t recognize you honey

You’re spending the week incognito?
Oh how lovely I’ve always wanted to go
But no one recognizes you though

ARE YOU WEARING A SCARY SCOWL?

Are you wearing a scary scowl?
And now you’re doing the growl
Am I supposed to throw in the towel?

You evil troll you cause me no fear
Back to your bridge do you hear
Your powers are useless here

ARE YOU WEARING CRUSHED VELVET?

Are you wearing crushed velvet?
Our curtains are a similar shade of anisette
I would like to be amidst the folds of velvet
Could I have a peak beneath the pelmet?

ARE YOU WEARING A GRIN?

Are you wearing a grin?
Oh you’re playing stupid agin
And why not you do always win

ARE YOU WEARING FRUIT?

Are you wearing fruit?
It doesn’t really suit
And there is a lesson
In there though my son
Never let 3 year old Joe?
Hold a ripe tomato

ARE YOU WEARING A SHORTY NIGHTIE?

Are you wearing a Shorty nightie?
No you don’t look at all flighty
You’re my goddess of love Aphrodite
And my desire for you is mighty
So lay back and think of blighty

A Humourous Selection # 7

I’M A GRADUATE OF YALE

I’m a graduate of Yale
A name you can trust
Though I am not elitist
I can still do Chubb if I must

EINSTEIN A GO-GO # 2

The special theory of relativity
So I was led to believe
Meant if you went with a 2nd cousin
She could safely conceive

THE PRICE OF BEAUTY PRODUCTS

The price of beauty products
Have gone through the roof
What a rip off they really are
Try waxing strips if you need proof

THE LOCAL AM-DRAM GROUP

The local Am-Dram group
Is presenting Hamlet presently
And sadly I have been invited
To attend this particular tragedy

THE TENNIS SWING

The dour Scot lost the first two sets
And the outcome looked a pretty safe bet
But the plucky Brit fought back to level
Only for the Scot to return in the final set

ARE YOU WEARING? # 13

ARE YOU WEARING A RUBBER?

Are you wearing a rubber?
That’s jumping the gun in my opinion
What do you mean you’re not wearing one?
Well I’ll tell you, now bare back is not an option
Oh you’re not wearing one at the moment
So you have some kind of skin condition

ARE YOU WEARING A CROSS?

Are you wearing a cross?
So are you a regular church goer then?
No I really don’t think it counts
Having sex in the cemetery now and again

ARE YOU WEARING STEAK?

Are you wearing steak?
A pork chop? Ok my mistake
Oh your eye is very swollen
What happened to you then?
You went to the shop for steak
But bought chops, ok your mistake

ARE YOU WEARING WINTER UNDERWEAR?

Are you wearing winter underwear?
I’m thinking as you stand there
Are you clad in body formers?
Proper cozy winter warmers
Substantial Bloomers for outdoors
A sturdy pair of winter drawers
I may never know for sure
But with my thoughts impure
I’m content as you stand there
In your cozy winter underwear

ARE YOU WEARING A TOP HAT?

Are you wearing a top hat?
Its height certainly exceeds
You’re trying to look taller?
A philosophy a wise man heeds
Is that a man is only as tall
As the sum of his deeds

ARE YOU WEARING LIP-GLOSS?

Are you wearing lip-gloss?
No you’re not, you cow
You were when you went out
So who’s wearing it now?

ARE YOU WEARING PINCE-NEZ?

Are you wearing pince-nez?
Don’t they pinch a bit?
They look a little uncomfortable
But with your image they fit

That looks an impressive book
A rather weighty tome isn’t it?
It will make you look good
If you die half way through it

ARE YOU WEARING A PINNY?

Are you wearing a pinny?
And why exactly are you wearing it?
You said “A mans home is his castle”
And she said “Then you can clean it”

ARE YOU WEARING A BUSTLE?

Are you wearing a bustle?
Well who am I to condemn
I suppose everyone seems normal
Until you get to know them

ARE YOU WEARING HANDCUFFS?

Are you wearing handcuffs?
What have you been arrested for?
You saw a dress in the shop window
And it was cheaper than before
So you decided to try it on
And that’s what you’ve been arrested for?
Trying on a dress in the shop window?
You tried it on in the window of the store

ARE YOU WEARING? # 12

ARE YOU WEARING A SPORRAN?

Are you wearing a sporran?
Wow that really is a beut
It’s an unusual choice though
A sporran with a safari suit

ARE YOU WEARING A CODPIECE?

Are you wearing a codpiece?
No, no you don’t look like a wally
And when it stops raining you’ll have
Somewhere to hang your brolley

ARE YOU WEARING A TIARA?

Are you wearing a tiara?
Sparkling with jewels no less
Oh sweet little Essex girl
Daddies little princess

ARE YOU WEARING CHEESE CLOTH?

Are you wearing cheese cloth?
Oh and you have the sandals there
It’s a very nostalgic look, very New-Age
And you have the excessive body hair

ARE YOU WEARING A FACE PACK?

Are you wearing a face pack?
Hello it is you under there?
I know how to check, I’ll cop a feel
I’m sorry I didn’t mean to scare
That was quite a hand full
So that’s not my wife under there

ARE YOU WEARING A RED WIG?

Are you wearing a red wig?
I know you’re not a natural Redhead
So if that’s not an ill-fitting wig
It’s a very bad dye-job instead

ARE YOU WEARING A FRENCH LETTER?

Are you wearing a French letter?
A bulletproof vest would be better
You have far greater prospects
Of getting shot than of getting sex

ARE YOU WEARING A JOHNNY?

Are you wearing a Johnny?
That’s naughty of you to presume
Unless you really are premature
God! Do you really come that soon?

ARE YOU WEARING SOME PROTECTION?

Are you wearing some protection?
Why would I be talking about a condom?
I just wondered if you had decided
To put your long raincoat on

ARE YOU WEARING A CONDOM?

Are you wearing a condom?
At your age you really have no hope
Sex at ninety six will be like
Trying to shoot pool with a rope

ARE YOU WEARING CAST OFFS?

Are you wearing cast offs?
I don’t actually care
As long as I see them cast off
Onto my bedroom chair

ARE YOU WEARING A MANLY CHIN?

Are you wearing a manly chin?
All dimply and square jawed
Very good looking indeed
But I bet you’re as dumb as a board

ARE YOU WEARING THAT FACE FOR A BET?

Are you wearing that face for a bet?
Cheer up lets have a ball
Come on just one little smile
Start with something quite small
Great you have no sense of humor
So probably no sense at all

ARE YOU WEARING A PROPHYLACTIC?

Are you wearing a prophylactic?
What do you mean “what’s one of them”
Bloody hell, are you really that thick
A rubber? A frenchie? A Johnny? A condom?
It’s a contraceptive sheath, just put it on
So I don’t get knocked up by a moron

The Natural World

THE SEASONS COME AND GO - SPRING

The seasons come and go
Almost monotonous I know
One after another, as planned
Like the sweep of a clock hand
Each season reminding us all
That from winter to the fall
Is yet another year slipped by
A step closer to when we die
A depressing thought I know
But let the seasons come and go
For I think it would be a crime
If their was to be no springtime

BE GENTLE WITH THE EARTH

Be gentle with the earth
It matters such a lot
Look at the landscape
And don’t be the blot
Be gentle with the earth
It’s the only one we’ve got

THE SEASONS COME AND GO - SUMMER

The seasons come and go
Almost monotonous I know
One after another, as planned
Like the sweep of a clock hand
Each season reminding us all
That from winter to the fall
Is yet another year slipped by
A step closer to when we die
A depressing thought I know
But let the seasons come and go
For I think it would be a crime
If their was to be no summertime

CLOAK OF FOG

A thick winter cloak of fog
Settles deep into the valley
Making everywhere anonymous
Obscuring every lane and ally
And for those poor souls abroad
Found it was not a night to dally

THE SEASONS COME AND GO - AUTUMN

The seasons come and go
Almost monotonous I know
One after another, as planned
Like the sweep of a clock hand
Each season reminding us all
That from winter to the fall
Is yet another year slipped by
A step closer to when we die
A depressing thought I know
But let the seasons come and go
For I think it would be a crime
If their was to be no autumn time

LITTLE ROBIN REDBREAST

“Little Robin redbreast
Where can you be?
Dear little Robin
Come and say hello to me”

“I can’t “says the Robin
“The winter is preventing me”

“Little Robin redbreast
Where can you be?
Dear little Robin
Come and say hello to me”

“I can’t say hello to you
Because I’m frozen to this tree”

THE SEASONS COME AND GO - WINTER

The seasons come and go
Almost monotonous I know
One after another, as planned
Like the sweep of a clock hand
Each season reminding us all
That from winter to the fall
Is yet another year slipped by
A step closer to when we die
A depressing thought I know
But let the seasons come and go
For I think it would be a crime
If their was to be no wintertime

ARE YOU WEARING? # 11

ARE YOU WEARING THAT FOR A BET?

Are you wearing that for a bet?
I can see no other reason
To dress like a total pratt
Unless it’s the silly season

ARE YOU WEARING BLACK GLOVES?

Are you wearing black gloves?
Oh its one of your naked escapades
Just gloves and matching shoes
Well you look like the five of spades

ARE YOU WEARING A HALO?

Are you wearing a halo?
Well angel you look very sweet
But looks can be deceptive
Not every angel that I meet
Is as sweet as they look
And their morals take a back seat
So are you as sweet as you look?
If not then I’m in for a treat

ARE YOU WEARING IT FOR THE CRAIC?

Are you wearing it for the craic?
Surely the convent will want it back
It’s your habit? Well that’s a twister
Get away with you, you’re never a sister
Well I say you’re too lovely to be a nun
But if I’m wrong I’ll be getting none

ARE YOU WEARING A CONFIDENT AIR?

Are you wearing a Confident Air?
There is certainly a hint of smugness I can trace
Just remember that confidence is at its peak
Just moments before you fall flat on your face

ARE YOU WEARING POLKA-DOT PANTS?

Are you wearing polka-dot pants?
What do you mean how do I know?
Well if you wear polka-dot underwear
Under white shorts they tend to show

ARE YOU WEARING MOURNING WEAR?

Are you wearing mourning wear?
I’m sorry, you are the grieving wife?
I here you’re not a very merry widow
So did you drive him to take his own life?

ARE YOU WEARING BLACK ATTIRE?

Are you wearing black attire?
I must tell you it rather lights my fire
I’m sorry, you are the grieving wife?
I must apologize for my desire
Oh you are a very merry widow?
Then let’s release you from that attire

ARE YOU WEARING DENIM DUNGAREES?

Are you wearing denim dungarees?
Even for a Feminist its a little lack lustre
And for someone as er.. Voluptuous as you
You do come across as a fat ball buster

ARE YOU WEARING A MUDPACK?

Are you wearing a mudpack?
I’m sorry I don’t mean to scoff
I’m sure it makes you more attractive
Right up until you take it off

A Humourous Selection # 6

THE LARGE HUNG-OVER NORTHERN ELK

The morning after the night before
When his head is like a helter-skelta
The large hung-over northern Elk
Has to reach for the Elka-seltza

SUPPORT GROUP – WEIGHT PROBLEMS

Do you suffer from a weight problem?
Well that’s what Support groups are for
We meet every Thursday at 7 PM.
Please use the large double door

DIRECTORY ENQUIRY

I was a stranger in town,
And didn’t know my way around
“Could you tell me mush?
How I get to Shepherds Bush?”
To a local inhabitant I did beg
And he replied “up the Shepherd’s leg”

I WENT SHOPPING THE OTHER DAY

I went shopping the other day
To an out of town shopping mall
I wanted some camouflage trousers
But I couldn’t find any at all

DON’T INTERRUPT ME WHEN I’M TALKING

Don’t interrupt me when I’m talking
If you have something to say, raise your hand
And then place it over your mouth
Yes well done that’s it, that’s grand

DOCTOR UPBEAT

My Doctor said to me, “Jack
You’re a hypochondriac
You'll live to be 60" I said "I’m 62"
"You see I told you”

DRUNK AT THE BAR

A drunk was brought before the judge.
The judge said as he was walked in
"You've been brought before me for drinking."
And the drunk said, "Great, I’ll have a gin"

WHEN I WAS A BABE

When I was a babe
Milk was my tipple
Either from a bottle
Or from mummy’s nipple

When I was a boy
Soda was the tops
Delicious bubbly
Sugary Fizzy pops

When I was a man
Beer hit the spot
A foaming brew
In a glass pint pot

Now I’m an old man
Drinking has no charm
As all my fluids
Now go thru my arm

SINCE THE BBC SACKED ALL THE DALEKS # 11

Since the BBC sacked all the Daleks
Most are just scrounging off the state
But there is one working as an un-packer
He doesn’t really communicate
And it scares a lot of the workers
When it says Extricate, Extricate

EINSTEIN A GO-GO # 1

The theory of relativity
Or so I always thought
Meant if you go with a cousin
Don’t get caught

ARE YOU WEARING? # 10

ARE YOU WEARING A SASH?

Are you wearing a sash?
I think you’ll make a splash
And normally you’d be a smash
But isn’t that just a bit rash
I mean for this kind of a bash
For you only to wear a sash

ARE YOU WEARING PIERCING’S?

Are you wearing piercing’s?
Thru ears and nose and gob
Oh and is that a nipple ring?
I don’t think you’ll get the job
No please keep your trousers on
I’m sure there’s one thru your knob

ARE YOU WEARING A KILT?

Are you wearing a kilt?
Won’t your extremities wilt?
Well you’re a very hardy guy
And a braver man than I
You are pant less are you not?
Oh so your not a proper Scot
So you’re not very hardy guy
Nor a braver man than I
Well if from tradition you avert
You’re just a man in a skirt

ARE YOU WEARING GLASSES?

Are you wearing glasses?
Because you tire of the passes
But they will ignore the glasses
Worn by girls with nice arses

ARE YOU WEARING SPECTACLES?

Are you wearing spectacles?
To make you look sophisticated
Well I think your expectations
Have unfortunately been bated
You just look a little bookish
Sorry if that leaves you deflated

ARE YOU WEARING IT FOR A BET?

Are you wearing it for a bet?
Well you haven’t won it yet
But I would have to say
You’re worth a pound each way

ARE YOU WEARING THAT FOR A REASON?

Are you wearing that for a reason?
That most revealing spray on dress
I can see everything you’ve got
There is no need for me to guess

ARE YOU WEARING GUMBOOTS?

Are you wearing gumboots?
The great dependable welly
They’re only short coming being
They make your feet smelly

ARE YOU WEARING DREADLOCKS?

Are you wearing dreadlocks?
On you they don’t look right
Firstly you’re not Jamaican
And secondly you’re white

ARE YOU WEARING A FRINGE?

Are you wearing a fringe?
I’m sorry it made me cringe
But I have a bit of an aversion
To that Winkleman person

A Humourous Selection # 5

MOOSE ON THE LOOSE

When a Moose goes on holiday
He likes nothing better
Than eating the local cuisine
Especially the Moosesaka

FAMILY PLANNING ADVICE

I went to the family planning clinic
And I got a tip that is beyond price
It was written below the sign
For “Family Planning Advice”
It simply read “Use rear entrance”
That’s what I call good advice

QUEUE JUMPERS

Outside a popular night club
A set of jump leads were queuing
The bouncer said, “I'll let you in
As long but don't start anything”

DOCTOR PHOBIA

I went to see my GP. And I said
“I'm scared of lapels Doctor”
He said “ok just calm down
You've a touch of cholera”

DOCTORED ACCOUNT # 2

I had a phone call from the doctor
“Your cheque came back” I heard him shout
I gathered myself for a moment
Then replied, “So did my bloody gout”

WHEN I WAS A BABY

When I was a baby
I drank milk
From bottle or breast

As boy I drank
Fizzy pop
Limeade was the best

When I reached manhood
I discovered beer
I loved a pint of best

Now I’m nearing the end
Of my life long trip
And all my fluids come
Thru an intravenous drip

I SAW SOMETHING NOT VERY NICE

I saw something not very nice
A poor old man fell over on the ice
I rushed over to him right away
He was very poor I would say
Lying on the icy ground
His pockets contained about a pound

DANIELLE ASKED RAY

Danielle asked Ray
“How was your check up today?
Was everything ok?”
Ray replied rather glum
“All was going fine, ho hum
Then he stuck his finger up my bum”
Danielle tried to reassure
“Well that’s standard procedure
Yes of course I’m sure”
Ray said “if you insist
Then for now I will persist
And stay with the same Dentist”

THEY SAY YOU SHOULD APPROACH LOVE

They say you should approach love
And cooking with the same reckless abandon
Well I’ve seen my girlfriend make an omelette
So I don’t think I need to go on

MY TACTIC

My tactic, come bed time
At the said time
Is to pull your night gown
Right down
Because there is no headroom
In your bedroom

ARE YOU WEARING? # 9

ARE YOU WEARING A SCARF?

Are you wearing a scarf?
Well it’s not a cold night
And it doesn’t match your outfit
It just doesn’t look right
Why are you wearing it?
I know you’ve got a love bite

ARE YOU WEARING COLOGNE?

Are you wearing cologne?
You’re wearing “Black Knight”
What is going on?
Something’s not right
Your wearing you’re cologne
And it’s a school night
It’s not your birthday
So you’re not due a delight
It’s definitely not Christmas
I know I have that right
It’s a snow day tomorrow?
Ok turn out the light

ARE YOU WEARING JODHPURS?

Are you wearing jodhpurs?
You have a fine seat you know
No I’ve never seen you ride
But I do like your bum though
You are a handsome filly
Of good pedigree so Tally ho
And if you’re offering me a ride
I wouldn’t mind giving you a go

ARE YOU WEARING A BUN?

Are you wearing a bun?
That will cause some chat
It’s just a bit old fashioned
But there’s nothing wrong in that
The biggest problem you have
Is it makes your face look fat

ARE YOU WEARING BALLET SHOES?

Are you wearing ballet shoes?
Not really suitable attire,
If you don’t mind me saying,
For working on the farm squire

ARE YOU WEARING TRAINER SOCKS?

Are you wearing trainer socks?
Tell me that you are Please do
Say you haven’t put an uncovered foot
Inside that sweaty training shoe

ARE YOU WEARING SOCKS?

Are you wearing socks?
Tell me that you are, pray
Why must you adopt
The most bohemian way
And be quite sock less
On your wedding day

ARE YOU WEARING PIG TAILS?

Are you wearing pig tails?
Well that look never fails
To make you look, as a rule,
Like you’re still at school

ARE YOU WEARING A WAISTCOAT?

Are you wearing a waistcoat?
Well it certainly gets my vote
Though some might disapprove
And it falls on me to behove
To say without being uncaring
It’s the only thing you’re wearing

ARE YOU WEARING A FEATHER BOA?

Are you wearing a feather boa?
It makes you look like a goer
And I think that is a no noa
You don’t need any help so soa
You can loose the feather boa

The Love Selection # 3

GINGER HEADED MAIDEN FAIR

All I can do is stand and stare
At the Ginger headed maiden fair
The girl with the shinning orange hair
Oh beautiful maiden standing there
With tresses of reddish-brown hair
Please be the answer to my prayer

TO FIND THE PERFECT PARTNER

To find the perfect partner
There’s no one I must pursue
Across the world in search
Of every street and avenue
For if I were to take the highway
It would lead right back to you

WHAT WILL BECOME OF OUR DESIRE?

What will become
Of our desire?
Will it take us?
Ever higher
To heights only Gods
Dare to aspire

What then
Will it just expire?
Or will it perish?
By ice or fire
Or will it deflate
Like a leaky tyre
What will become
Of our desire?

I SHOULD HAVE SAID

I should have said
You’re the highlight
Of every single day
I should have said
I loved you
In every single way

I should have said
What I was feeling
What resided in my heart
I should have said
I love you
Right from the start

I should have said it
But the words
Stayed in my head
I should have said
I love you
But I said “hi” instead

EVERY SINGLE DAY

Every single day
“I love you” you should say
But it goes unsaid,
And too often we are glib instead

TWENTY YEARS HAVE PAST

Twenty years have past
Since we stood side by side
It wasn’t all hearts and flowers
At times it was a bumpy ride

I think it’s been an achievement
And I feel an intense pride
I wouldn’t have spent a moment
Without you by my side

I don’t regret a single moment
Though there were tears along the way
But there was laughter also
And there was love every day

So here’s to the twenty years
That have happily gone before
Twenty happy years of love
I hope we have twenty more

IN THE MEADOW

I so remember that perfect day
When I first saw you
You were walking in the meadow
When you came in view

I so remember that perfect day
When I knew you were the one
As we danced in this meadow
In the afternoon sun

I so remember that perfect day
When you won my heart
And we held hands in the meadow
I never wanted us to part

I so remember that perfect day
When first we met
And we made love in the meadow
As the sun began to set

I so remember that perfect day
When you won my heart
I scatter your ashes in the meadow
And my heart breaks apart

HOW WILL I COPE?

How will I cope?
I don't know
But I’ll have to
Life has dealt the cards
And I must play them
Or fold them
Quitting is not an option
So I will have to cope
And I will,
I must
I have to get on with it
Stop feeling sorry for myself
And play the hand
Life has dealt me
And by determination
Win the pot

THE HARDEST THING TO SAY WAS GOODBYE

The hardest thing to say
Was goodbye
But it had to be said
It took resolve
As hard as granite
But it was said
It wasn’t for the want of love
There was love aplenty
On both sides
But we had grown apart
Sought different goals
And though the regret was deep
The last thing we said
Was goodbye

YOU ARE THE ONE

You are the one
I turn to for comfort
The one I can depend on
When things go caput

You are the one
Who sets me straight
When my heart is heavy
And the burden is great

You are the one
I turn to when I need a hug
You calm me down
Like a prescription drug

You are the one
On whom my life depends
Isn’t it about time
We were more than friends

A Humourous Selection # 4

DOCTOR PLEASE

“Doctor please help me?
I have a ringing in my ears"
He replied “if they ask for me
Tell them I’m not here”

DOCTORED ACCOUNT # 1

My Doctor gave me six months to live.
Because I was terribly ill
But then he gave me another six months
When I said I couldn’t pay his bill

NAME CALLING # 2

I didn’t call her a dog
That would be hard to defend
But I did say she was
Mans best friend

DOUBLE STANDARDS

If a woman sleeps with ten men in a week
She is regarded in a sluttish way
Whereas if a man behaved in like wise
He’s regarded as a bit of a lad or gay

SUPPORT GROUP - LOW SELF ESTEEM

Do you suffer from Low Self Esteem?
Well that’s what Support groups are for
We meet every Thursday at 7 PM.
Just remember to use the back door

VERY POOR RECEPTION

An elderly man entered the surgery
And approached the receptionist
“Good morning, can I see the doctor?”
With a face that had never been kissed
And a manner to match she demanded
He tell her why he needed to go on the list
But he didn’t want to discuss it in reception
“You’ll have to tell me I really must insist”

Looking around at the other patients
'I’ve a problem with my dick', he replied
“You cannot say things like that
In the surgery” the receptionist chastised
“But you did ask me what was wrong
I must have misunderstood; sorry” he lied

“You should be a little more discreet
You have caused embarrassment I fear”
The Receptionist continued on
“You should say the problem is with your ear,
“You can be more frank with the doctor
But not cause any upset out here”

The man replied, “Why did you ask me
What was wrong, In front of everyone?
You shouldn't ask people questions
That could embarrass anyone”
The man walked out, waited several minutes,
And then returned to where he’d begun

“Good morning, can I see the doctor?”
He asked through dentures grit
The Receptionist smiled smugly
Enjoying the moment more than a bit
'There's something wrong with my ear,' he said
The Receptionist liked to see patients submit
“And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?”
Then he loudly said “I can't piss out of it,”

THE CARIBOU COLLECTIVE

The Caribou is the soberest beast
A wandering woodsman could meat
But get them in a group of threes or twos
They soon become the Caribooze

THE THING ABOUT MANGE-TOUT

The thing about mange-tout
That I want to say to you
Is when all said and done
I could never eat a whole one

THE CHURCH LADIES

The Church ladies have cast off clothing
Of every kind, generously strewn
They may be seen in the back room
Of the church hall every afternoon

AT THE FOOT OF MY BED

At the foot of my bed
As in my bed I laid
I saw Gloria Gaynor’s ghost
At first I was afraid........

ARE YOU WEARING? # 8

ARE YOU WEARING WELLIES?

Are you wearing wellies?
Why where are we going?
Will it be quite muddy?
Or has it been snowing
They are not for outdoors?
Then their use has receded
So please just tell me
Why the wellies are needed?
I still don’t understand
If there is no outdoor activity
Oh now the penny has dropped
They’re for indoor depravity

ARE YOU WEARING PIXIE BOOTS?

Are you wearing pixie boots?
Well they really are beauties
I’ve always had a soft spot
For little woodland cuties
So let me carry you away
Like a prized piece of booty
To a woodland clearing
Where we can get really fruity

ARE YOU WEARING A PLEATED SKIRT?

Are you wearing a pleated skirt?
It’s really very flattering on you
A blandishment to your hips
And narrows the waist without ado
And when the wind lifts it up
Your scanty wares come into view

ARE YOU WEARING A SNEER?

Are you wearing a sneer?
Well that’s how you appear
Like you’re looking down your nose
From some commanding belvedere

So what of your countenance
If it’s not a look of distain
What did you wish to convey
Perhaps we should start again

ARE YOU WEARING SOMETHING SPECIAL?

Are you wearing something special?
For my special birthday treat
Something daringly risqué
Nothing remotely discreet
Something minimalist in silk
Would be right up my street

ARE YOU WEARING A UNION SUIT?

Are you wearing a union suit?
Well not exactly a source of phwors
It’s just an un-sexy combination
Of a vest and long drawers
But joined together like a romper suit
The addition of the trap doors
Makes it a little more exciting
I think I’d like to go through yours

ARE YOU WEARING A WIG?

Are you wearing a wig?
No I’m not having a dig
I’m not a fan of them
But this is an ill fitting item

It just doesn’t suit you
I know it’s just my view
I’m not meaning to nag
You look like you’re in drag

ARE YOU WEARING A TUTU?

Are you wearing a tutu?
Oh it really does suit you
Give me a twirl oh do do
In your pretty little tutu

ARE YOU WEARING A BOB?

Are you wearing your hair in a bob?
I think they’ve done a good job
It makes you look like a flapper
No I didn’t say you were a slapper
From the roaring twenties, a party girl
No I didn’t say you were a tarty girl
Instead of having your hair cut short
In order to prevent any auditory distort
And to stop you miss hearing things
You should have had your ears syringed

ARE YOU WEARING A FLAT CAP?

Are you wearing a flat cap?
How very working class
And you a Roedean girl
Normal so up her own arse

Dressing up like an oick
Does have some appeal
So say something common
And let me cop a feel

Relationships # 2

MOTHER OF TWO

George is a married man
Who is content with his lot
But he calls his wife “mother of two”
Which she likes not a jot

One day at a house party
He said as the partying was done
“Come along then “mother of two””
She replied “ok father of one”

MARRIAGE DEAL

Marriage is like a pack of cards
In the beginning to make the grade
You need two hearts and a diamond
By the end you want a club and a spade

LEFT A BIT, RIGHT A BIT

She said to me last night
“Left a bit, Right a bit,
Forward, now back,
Up a bit, down a bit”
With the relentless instructions
She was barking
I snapped “for God’s sake
Are we having sex or parking?”

DARLING, DO I PLEASE YOU IN BED?

A wife asked her husband
“Darling, do I please you in bed?”
“Yes, especially when you do that thing
With your mouth” he said
“Do you mean oral sex?
You know that makes me feel cheap”
“No I mean the thing where
You shut up and go to sleep”

JANE AND I

“I’ve been to Wales with Jane”
I was told by my friend
“Then tomorrow Jane and I
Are going to Lands End”
“And I will probably take Jane
To London at the weekend”
I didn’t like to shatter his illusions
But I had to in the end
“Jane is the voice on your SatNav
She’s not a proper girlfriend”