ELEMENTARY TAXI

 

I jumped into the cab

'Conan Doyle’s Close driver'

Don't worry; he said,

We’ll lose him at the lights Guvna

A MELLOW FELLOW

 

A mellow fellow

A fellow in yellow

A fellow called Morello

Morello played the cello

Morello didn’t bellow

Morello was mellow

The fellow ate his jello

His jello was yellow

Mellow yellow jello

For a mellow fellow

NEWSY, NEWSY

 

Newsy, newsy

Suzy the Floozy

(Not very choosy)

Met Boozy Susie

(Always woozy)

Then had a twosie

In the Jacuzzi

Floozy and Woozy

Then got all Oozy

And decidedly bluesy

Before Suzy the Floozy

(Not very choosy)

And Boozy Susie

(Always woozy)

Got a bit snoozy

Twosie Suzie’s

Newsy, newsy

JIM PANSY

 

Tim can see,

Jim Pansy,

Gym handy

Limb’s bandy

Tim can see,

Jim Pansy,

A chimpanzee

LITTLE BOY BLUE

 

A person who blows their own trumpet

Is by nature a soloist

Alternatively, the person could always be

A contortionist

I WOULD IF I COULD

 

I would if I could

But I can’t so I shan’t

How good if I should

But I can’t which I grant

If I could I know I would

But I can’t so I shan’t

Oh, how good if I should

But I chant I can’t, I can’t

EARTHLINGS

 

The origins of the name

"Earth worms" is hard to trace

Unless of course some people

Thought they were from outer space

THERE WAS A PARADE OF RABBITS

 

There was a parade of rabbits

All in a line

Hopping backwards,

A receding hare-line

HYMENOPTERA VILLAIN

 

Insects are dangerous

That we all know

Some kill you quick

Some kill you slow

Some poison the blood

In your arteries

One particular specimen

Is the hepatitis bee

CHEETAH AND LION

 

I saw a cheetah being

Chatted up by a Lion

I thought, “He’s trying

To pull a fast one"

THERE WAS A PARADE OF RABBITS

There was a parade of rabbits

All in a line

Hopping backwards,

A receding hare-line 

THE PHILANDERING POLAR BEAR

 

The philandering Polar Bear

Took a fancy to a kangaroo

But when she stole his heart

He knew he’d met his waterloo

THE ANTELOPE AND THE GAZELLE

 

I dreamed one night that an Antelope,

Loved a Gazelle and planned to elope

But at the moment they expected least

A jealous Wildebeest crashed the feast

WILLIAM PENN'S AUNTIES

 

William Penn's Aunties, Bakers shop

Specialized in pastries from France

And were fussy about pricing their pies

They were the pie-rates of Penn's Aunts

NONSENSE POEMS

NONSENSE POEMS
NONSENSICAL # 5

The hand on the knee
No the bland of the tea
Or the stand of the tree
The gland of the pea
Or the band of the free
No the sand of the flea
The brand of the ski
No it’s the Land of the Free

NONSENSICAL # 6

The spa wrangled planner
No the Tsar bangled tanner
The bra strangled Hannah
Or the scar dangled manor
The car mangled spanner
Or the bar tangled scanner
No it’s the Star Spangled Banner

NONSENSICAL # 7

You can take a horse to water
But you can’t teach it to suck eggs
Do unto others before their death
Every dog has a silver lining
Every cloud has his day
Glass houses make jack a dull boy
A bird in the hand is a penny earned
A new broom sweeps many a slip
All roads lead to the stable door
Caesar's wife begins at home
Don't throw the baby out with grandma

THE USES OF GOOSES

THE USES OF GOOSES # 01

One use of a goose
Is as a guard goose
As part of their charm
They give the alarm
However guard geese
Aren’t easy to cease

THE USES OF GOOSES # 02

Be warned about the use of a goose
If well roasted in goose grease
You will have cooked your goose
And caused a decrease in your geese

NONSENSICAL EPISODE

NONSENSICAL EPISODE # 1

Living life in cartoons
A happy life in Looney tunes
Incomprehensible croons
Beneath silvery moons
Shooting at pink balloons
With captain Ahab’s harpoons
Spending Sunday afternoons
Chatting with baboons
Playing cricket in the dunes
With chipmunks and raccoons
Eating out of date prunes
With runsible spoons

NONSENSICAL EPISODE # 2

I see Dogs in clogs
Cats in spats
Goats in coats
Flies in ties
Llamas in pyjamas
I think I drink
Too much caffeine

NONSENSICAL EPISODE # 3

When I close my eyes
I see Lasses in glasses
Tarts in carts
Girls in pearls
Flirts in skirts
Fillies in frillies
Girls in curls
Chics in nix
God I really need sex

NONSENSICAL EPISODE # 4

I see birds in herds
Freaks with beaks
Tykes on bikes
Mancs in tanks
Bowsers in trousers
Paedo’s in speedos
Perverts in skirts
Streakers in sneakers
Coppers in toppers
Scouses in blouses
Weirdo’s in hairdos
And I ask myself
What was in that roll up?

Variety

BIX

Leon Bismark "Bix" Beiderbecke
(March 10, 1903 – August 6, 1931)

It was said of Bix
That his Cornet spat out notes
Like shooting bullets at a bell
And his solos sounded as sweet
As a girl saying yes.
Bix Beiderbecke was simply the best
He was at the birth of hot music
His light illuminated
The jazz age
His Cornet accompanied
The roaring twenties
He was a romantic legend,
The young man with a Horn
But in keeping with the character
Of the very best of youth
His flame burned very brightly
But equally it burned quickly
And like the most beautiful star
He burned himself out
All too soon
Bix lived for the jazz
But died for the booze

ARTIE

When Artie Shaw
Was the King of Swing
His liquorice stick
Was made to sing

With a beat
To tap your toe too
Or melodies
To serenade you

Swing to get the kids
A jumping
Tunes to get the blood
A pumping

Artie Shaw and his
Tuneful clarinet
The King of Swing
Was as good as they get

I PRAY FOR PEACE

I pray for peace around the world
Each day on bended knee
So why does such a prayer of peace
Go unanswered, answer me
Its not that God doesn’t hear the prayer
He wants the same you see
God prays for peace around the world
Each day on bended knee
But his prayers remain unanswered
For mankind is deafened to his plea

MAKING DO

We certainly don’t have a lot
But we are content with what we’ve got
We may not be among the wealthiest
But we are certainly among the happiest
Because we don’t have to have the best of everything
We just make the best of everything we have

PHILOSOPHY OF LIFE

Here is an important life tip
That will help you like as not
If you see a lot, take a few
If you see a few, take the lot

THE BLUE JEAN BOY

The blue jean boy
His black Perfecto
Over his white T
Just watched Brando
In The Wild Ones
Wanted to hit the road and go

The blue jean boy
Told his brother Michael
That he was a wild one
And he bought a motorcycle

The blue jean boy
Took to the road he chose
What happened that day
Nobody really knows
But when he hit the road
Blue jean boy never arose

A MELLOW FELLOW

A mellow fellow
A fellow in yellow
A fellow called Morello
Morello played the cello
Morello didn’t bellow
Morello was mellow
The fellow ate his jello
His jello was yellow
Mellow yellow jello
For a mellow fellow

LADY MARY

Mary, lady with the malady
The marmaladie lady
M’lady marmalade
Mary the marmaladie lady

NEWSY, NEWSY

Newsy, newsy
Suzy the Floozy
(Not very choosy)
Met Boozy Susie
(Always woozy)
Then had a twosie
In the Jacuzzi
Floozy and Woozy
Then got all Oozy
And decidedly bluesy
Before Suzy the Floozy
(Not very choosy)
And Boozy Susie
(Always woozy)
Got a bit snoozy
Twosie Suzie’s
Newsy, newsy