Showing posts with label Humour. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Humour. Show all posts

Thursday 2 November 2023

Uncanny Tales – (073) Bridal Favours

 

The wedding, on Saturday, was a fairy tale affair at St Giles’ Church and every woman present was jealous to the core and such was Kaylyn Lawson’s popularity in the village that the Church was full to the gunwales.

St Giles’ was a pretty little Church and was made even more so by the Church ladies by the addition of flowers and dressings of appropriate finery.

The wedding party were conveyed to and from the Church in a Vintage Rolls Royce.

When Kaylyn appeared on the arm of the Lord of the Manor there was an audible gasp.

After a very moving ceremony the reception was held at the Shallowfield Lodge Hotel.

But two hours before the ceremony she was laying on her bed in a state of undress, flushed pink after some sexual exertions and said.

“That was lovely.”

“I’m glad you enjoyed it” John said as he got off the bed.

“You know that the best man is supposed to seduce the bridesmaid after the reception” she said.

“So, I believe” John said.

“So why have you just sullied the bride before the wedding?” she asked.

“Because you asked me to” he replied.

“Now you’d better put these back on” he added, handing her, her pristine white knickers.

“I’m not going to need these yet, if I ask you to sully me again” she said and dropped her panties on the floor.

Uncanny Tales – (072) An Unconventional New Year

 

On the morning after New Years Eve, following an unexpected, but nonetheless extraordinarily passionate sexual encounter, Mark Pilley woke about midmorning to find Shirley Merrison under the duvet performing toe curling fellatio on him.

Under the circumstances there was only one thing he could do which was to join her under the covers and return the favour.

The result of this mutually generous act was that they didn’t arrive downstairs until lunchtime.

 

However, although they were both late on parade, they would not have considered themselves in anyway slovenly, they were at least showered, though admittedly not dressed.

So, they ate lunch rather decadently in bath robes and to be perfectly honest were both looking forward to spending the afternoon in a similar vein to the morning.

 

Now this was probably not an unusual state of affairs and was probably repeated up and down the country, however what was unusual in this case was that Shirley was Mark’s stepmother.  

Wednesday 1 November 2023

Uncanny Tales – (071) New Undies

 

Christina Smith lived in the idyllic village of Mornington-By-Mere, situated in the beautiful Finchbottom Vale and was very happy, and regularly satisfied.

That was until her sister Katie came to stay following her divorce, and she was very depressed, and didn’t want to go, she just stayed at home and watched trashy TV, and it was cramping Christina’s style.

But she managed to get her hooked up with her next-door neighbour and when Katie was getting regularly plugged, she decided it was time to get some action for herself.

Having been out of the saddle for a few weeks she decided to reacquaint herself with the local lothario who had serviced her in the past, Ray Priest, she knew it wouldn’t take too much effort to get him interested again.

She engineered an accidental meeting in Shallowfield outside the coffee shop she knew he frequented and when she was carrying a designer carrier bag from a very expensive lingerie shop.

“Hello Ray” she said and kissed him then she spotted him looking at the carrier bag she was carrying.

“No, you can’t look at them” she replied to his unasked question.

“Ok I don’t mind seeing them on if you insist” he offered.

“You’re incorrigible,” she said.

“Is that a maybe?” he asked.

“Well, it’s not a no” she replied, and they parted ways.

 

So, after baiting the trap she just had to engineer another chance meeting at his favourite pub and let him know she was available.

Then she said to herself

“Sod it, enough with the subterfuge”

And walked up his path and knocked on the door.

“Hello Ray” she said.

“Christina! what a surprise”

“Not an unpleasant one though I hope” she asked.

“Not at all” he replied and stepped aside to let her in, and she went and sat down on the sofa.

“You’re bold entering the house of a renown womaniser in broad daylight dressed up to the nines.”

“You could have just phoned, and I would have come to yours” he suggested.

“No, I couldn’t,” she said indignantly.

“What kind of a woman do you think I am?”

Well, he did have some experience of what Christina was capable of, but it would have been ungentlemanly for him to point it out to her, so he just said.

“Sharpington”

He was referring to a particularly salacious episode at a Hotel in Sharpington, where…. Well, that’s another story

“That was different” she said, “anyway with you it doesn’t really count because you’re such a tart.”

She roared with laughter to such an extent that she ended up collapsing in a heap with her head and shoulders on his lap.

“If you choose not to behave like a gentleman, and act like a bit of rough I can’t be held responsible.”

Christina disintegrated into laughter again.

“Do you still think I’m sexy?” she asked, sluttish-ly draped before him.

“Quite sexy” he conceded.

“Well quite sexy won’t get you a look at my new underwear” she said.

“I bet it does,” Ray said as he slowly moved his hand, which had been resting on her chuckling belly, up to caress the roundness of her breast.

“Well maybe” She murmured as she tipped her head back and closed her eyes.

Because it had been so long since she’d been in action and a catalogue of previous encounters between them filled her head,

Things didn’t progress too much further before she leapt up and shouted.

“Ok, I’ll let you see my knickers.”

And began to undress.

Uncanny Tales – (070) Relative Complications

 

Christina Smith lived in the idyllic village of Mornington-By-Mere, situated in the beautiful Finchbottom Vale and was very happy, and regularly satisfied.

That was until her sister Katie came to stay following her divorce, and she was very depressed, and didn’t want to go, she just stayed at home and watched trashy TV, and it was cramping Christina’s style.

However, salvation came in the form of new neighbour Connor Rigby who had shown a good deal of interest in Katie, heavily encouraged by her sister.

He invited her round to his house for dinner which Katie was originally keen on, relatively, but come the night, her bottle went.

When she appeared in the lounge she was immaculately dressed and beautifully made up.

“Wow” Christina said, “you look stunning.”

“I look frightful” she responded morosely.

“No, you don’t” she reassured her “Connor will trip over his tongue when he sees you.”

Christina slipped on some shoes and said.

“Come on sexy I’ll escort you to his.”

She took her arm and as they walked up his path she turned to her sister and asked with panic in her voice.

“What if he thinks I look frightful?”

“He won’t think that because you look gorgeous” Christina said to her softly.

“I hope so” she replied forlornly.

They continued walking up to Connor’s door and Christina rang the bell and it was opened in moments.

“Hello” Connor said cheerfully.

“Hello Connor” Katie said glumly as she stepped into the house.

“Have a great time Katie” she called after her, but Katie didn’t reply, and Connor gave her a look.

“Crisis of confidence” she whispered.

“Oh, I see,” he said sagely.

Connor assured her he would massage her ego and ply her with drink until she cheered up, and they laughed and then she wished him a nice evening and returned home.

Once inside she resumed her seat and refilled her glass.

At some point during the evening Christina fell asleep, she woke up just after two o’clock, and only then because she needed a pee.

After relieving herself she turned off the TV and began tidying up prior to going to bed.

About ten minutes later the front door opened and Katie tottered into the lounge carrying her tights and knickers

“So, Connor liked you then” Christina asked as she plopped down on the sofa.

“He did,” she said smiling “three times.”

Uncanny Tales – (069) Hands on Approach

 

In the southern town off Abbottsford, the biggest in Downshire, is its administrative capital and the seat of the Downshire government.

It was also a place of learning thanks to the Downshire University, a Cathedral City and is home to Abbottsford Town football club, known as the Knights.

Ex Knights Captain Mark Larcombe parked his car in the multistorey and, carrying his bag he went in the front entrance of the clubs Gym complex.

He was there to use the Pool, Gym, and Sauna and to get some physio on his knee.

It was a very modern facility with modern unisex changing rooms with two long rows of cubicles flanked by lockers.

He proceeded down the centre aisle to a cubicle at the far end of the row which he always used in order to get changed.

But when he opened the door, Mark found it was already occupied by his Physiotherapist Kerrie Mills wearing only a towel.

“Sorry Kerrie” he said the door was unlocked.

“I know, I left it that way” she said and let go of her towel.

“I thought it was about time the patient massaged the Physio.”

And then she locked the door.

Friday 11 August 2023

THE CRUCIFIXION

 

He was crucified, and then

As he ascended into heaven

Jesus was heard to say

Up, up and Yahweh

LENT ABSTINENCE

 

This time of year is significant

For what Lent represents

But I didn’t know what to forsake

So I’ve given up abstinence

ROSES ARE FLOWERS

 

Roses are flowers

Violets are flowers

You’re allergic to flowers

Ooops my bad

ROSES ARE RED # 2

 

Roses are red

Apples are green

You are a cutie

And I’m really keen

ROSES ARE RED # 1

 

Roses are Red

But slightly cliché

So, I’ll just say

Happy Valentine’s Day

SHE WAS ALLERGIC TO FLOWERS

 

She was allergic to flowers

I wish she had said

Because I bought her roses

And now she’s dead

WHEN SOMEONE FALLS IN LOVE WITH YOU

 

When someone falls in love with you

And you with them it is a precious gift

Making every day like Valentine’s Day

Because the gift of love gives you a lift

VALENTINES # 8

 


Since entering my life, a symphony plays
When before was only monotone
And colour now lives in every plane and facet
Where once was only monochrome

VALENTINES # 7

 


Lover, you still do it for me,
Though you are no longer a dolly chick
Your qualities are plain to see
You still scratch my itch and flick my switch

VALENTINES # 6

 

 

You fill my thoughts before I sleep
And you’re there again when I awake

I have given my heart without regret
I gave it to you for my hearts sake

I have found an all-embracing love
If I lost you my heart would break

VALENTINES # 5

 


Lover you still do it for me,
I’m as ever under your spell
Your qualities are plain to see
And you still ring my bell

VALENTINES # 4

 

 

Lover you still do it for me,
To me you’re lamb and not mutton
Your qualities are plain to see
And you still push my button

VALENTINES # 3

 


Lover you still do it for me,
Though you now have a fuller figure
Your qualities are plain to see
And you still pull my trigger

VALENTINES # 2

 

 

Lover you still do it for me,
With that wiggle when you walk
Your qualities are plain to see
And you still pop my cork

 

Thursday 10 August 2023

VALENTINES # 1

 

Lover you still do it for me,

You are still my object of desire

Your qualities are plain to see

And you still light my fire