I HAVE A NUMBER OF CATS

 

I have a number of cats, but one

Is a mischievous kitten

Who swallowed a ball of wool

As a result, she had Mittens

RULES FOR CATS TO LIVE BY – READING NEWSPAPERS

Now this is a very interesting caper

When you’re human is reading the paper

Jump up at the newspaper suddenly

Silently and landing on their knee

This will make the paper unreadable

And you human a little disagreeable

SOMEONE PUT THE CAT OUT

Will someone put the cat out?

Please don’t make me shout

To put the cat out is my one desire

So put it out because it’s on fire

RULES FOR CATS TO LIVE BY – HELP WITH THE COOKING

When supervising the cooking

Get behind the cook by sitting

Where she would be hard put

To see you just by her left foot

And you will stand a better chance

Of being trod on which will advance

Your human to pick you up to

Babble gibberish and comfort you

FRUSTRATED FELINE

 

When your cat has just fallen asleep

Curled on your lap purring contentedly

And looking utterly adorable and sweet

You have to go to the bathroom suddenly

Uncanny Tales – (41) The Knicker Nicker

 

When I used to travel to work in my car, I used to pass through what was to become the largest new housing development in Europe, at the time I passed through the development the project was nearing its completion.

It took more than ten years to complete and it was the properties on the farthest fringe of the development which I witnessed from groundbreaking to occupation.

During the building they looked like little rows of shoe boxes stood on end and I often chuckled to myself and wondered who would want to live in them, well five years later it turned out to be my wife and I.

That was some years ago now, in that small almost newly built two up two down in a quiet Surrey cul-de-sac and I have to say we have never been happier than we were then.

We had great neighbours, who we are still in contact with to this day even though we have all scattered to the four winds, and one of the things that brought us together was our cats.

We had a black cat called Berry, short for Blackberry, who was given to us when she was a kitten by my brother in law as a wedding present and we still have her today, although she’s getting on a bit.

When we lived in the shoebox she had a very embarrassing habit of invading other cat owners homes when we were out and we would return home from work to find her peering at us from the comfort of someone else’s house sitting on the window sill or on the back of their sofa, but that was nothing compared to our next door neighbours Carole and Johns cat Tabitha.

When we first knew them they had two cats Madeline and Emily who were both great buddies with our Berry but after Emily was killed on the road and Madeline ran away they decided they would get a rescued cat from an animal rescue center.

Well what they got was a tabby called Tabitha who was very sweet but suffered with psychological problems.

It was a very nervous and timid creature who was very suspicious of everyone but what none of us suspected was its darker side.

Well while the humans were all at work and Berry was sleeping in someone else’s house Tabitha roamed the local area indulging in her particular passion, namely stealing from the neighbours.

And what she stole were knickers, pants, socks, and the occasional bra and when our first son was born, she even took bibs and booties.

The troubled animal preyed on the unsuspecting locals stealing from washing lines, wash baskets and clothes airers, though thankfully even with her psychological problems she only stole clean items nothing soiled or un-fresh.

We were all oblivious to this dastardly crime putting the loss of missing items down to mischievous house elves.

The dastardly crime only came to light when John was clearing a room prior to decorating when he discovered nests of other people’s underwear.

This could have been awkward, and John might well have had some explaining to do it Carol had found the pantie collection before he did.

I’m sure it was the cat.

THE CAT AND THE SQUIRREL

 

Look at me, the young cat purred

Look I am a very clever kitty

I am a huntress to be admired

I’ve caught a Squirrel as big as me

I deserve a treat for my cleverness

I’ve this trophy for you to see

And you need never know

It fell out of a tree

THE FELINE ESTABLISHMENT

 

An important element of

The Feline establishment

Is the Cat Constabulary

Known as Claw enforcement

THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN CATS AND DOGS

The difference between

Cats and dogs is easily seen

Because Dogs have owners

Whereas Cats have helpers

MY UNCLE IS A GREAT CAT LOVER

 

My Uncle is a great cat lover

And he’s always been a smashing bloke

But after he came to visit, my cat

Is recovering from a massive stroke

MY CAT IS A FUSSY EATER # 2

My cat is a fussy eater

That’s not uncommon for a Siamese

And some days only RATatouille

On a bed of Mice will please

PROS AND CONS FOR BECOMING A CAT OWNER

 

I was told I should buy a cat

“Why on earth would I do that?”

“They’re good company” they say

“And they keep the mice away”

Well eventually they convinced me

And I admit its good company

As to the expelling from my house

Of every type and size of mouse

They are a great disappointment

And their failure is evident

It is they who bring in a mouse

Into the comfort of my house

As a toy with which they play

But they let the toy get away

Now the mouse is here to stay

MY CAT IS A FUSSY EATER # 1

 

My cat is a fussy eater

That’s not uncommon for a Siamese

And for breakfast she will only eat

A bowl of Mice Crispies

 

MY DAD HAD TO HAVE HIS CAT PUT DOWN

 

My Dad had to have his cat put down

It was all terribly sad

He didn’t find that the lethal injection

Was all that bad

But what the vet said afterwards

Really upset my Dad

“That’s the first of the injections

Out of the way Mr Plaid

Only another eight to go”

Which was when Pop went mad

THE KNICKER NICKER

 

When I used to travel to work in my car I used to pass through what  became the largest new housing development in Europe.

At the time I passed through the development the project was nearing its completion.

It took more than ten years to complete and it was the properties on the farthest fringe of the development which I witnessed from ground breaking to occupation.

During the building they looked like little rows of shoe boxes stood on end and I often chuckled to myself and wonder who would want to live in them, well five years later it was my wife and I.

That was some years ago now in that small almost newly built two up two down in a quiet Surrey cul-de-sac and I have to say we have never been happier than we were then.

We had great neighbours, who we are still in contact with to this day even though we have all scattered to the four winds.

One of the things that brought us together was our cats.

We had a black cat called Berry, short for Blackberry, who was given to us when she was a kitten by my brother in law as a wedding present and we still have her today although she’s getting on a bit.

When we lived in the shoebox she had a very embarrassing habit of invading other cat owners homes when we were out and we would return home from work to find her peering at us from the comfort of someone else’s house sitting on the window sill or on the back of their sofa.

But that was nothing compared to our next-door neighbours Carole and Johns cat Tabitha.

When we first knew them they had two cats Madeline and Emily who were both great buddies with our Berry but after Emily was killed on the road and Madeline ran away they decided they would get a rescued cat from an animal rescue centre.

Well, what they got was a tabby called Tabitha who was very sweet but suffered with psychological problems.

It was a very nervous and timid creature who was very suspicious of everyone but what none of us suspected was its darker side.

Well while the humans were all at work and Berry was sleeping in someone else’s house Tabitha roamed the local area indulging in her particular passion namely stealing from the neighbours.

She stole knickers, pants, socks and the occasional bra and when our first son was born, she even took bibs and booties.

The troubled animal preyed on the unsuspecting locals stealing from washing lines wash baskets and clothes airers though thankfully even with her psychological problems she only stole clean items nothing soiled or unfresh.

We were all oblivious to this dastardly crime putting the loss of missing items down to mischievous house elves.

The dastardly crime only came to light when John was clearing a room prior to decorating when he discovered nests of other people’s underwear.

This could have been awkward, and john might well have had some explaining to do it carol had found the pantie collection before he did.

I’m sure it was the cat.

FRUSTRATED FELINE

 

When your cat has just fallen asleep

Curled on your lap purring contentedly

And looking utterly adorable and sweet

You have to go to the bathroom suddenly

CATS TAIL

Women love cats, yes, they do

Men say that they like them to

But men kick them, yes, they do

When women are not in view

SOMEONE PUT THE CAT OUT

 

Will someone put the cat out?

Please don’t make me shout

To put the cat out is my one desire

So, put it out because it’s on fire

BLACKBERRY CAT, RIP

BLACKBERRY CAT, RIP
BLACKBERRY 07/09/1991 to 04/11/2010

No more will I hear
Your most contented purr
That made you dribble on your fur
No more will I be greeted at the door
By your hello meow
No more will you pirouette around my feet
And perform your excited meal time dance
No more will you curl up on my lap
While I watch TV
No more will you curl up on the bed
When I go to sleep
Never again will I wake up
To hear your morning purr
For you have no more mornings
While you sleep your eternal sleep
You were more than a cat
You were a welcoming friend
A quiet companion
You were a constant
And I will miss you Blackberry

BLACKBERRY CAT

You had to go out on such a filthy day
Even though you have a litter tray
I suppose out side there is fun to be had
And you’re still active so I should be glad
But why is it that you deign to re-enter?
Taking a path right across the centre
With half the garden on your paws
Only after I’ve washed all the floors