Potpourri

DOING WHAT YOU LIKE

Doing what you like
Does bring happiness for you
But the true source of joy
Is in liking what you do

HOPE SITS PATIENTLY

Hope sits patiently
Upon its primordial throne
A reassuring constant,
In a sea of change
Always there
Available to all
Like a beacon in the dark
To lost souls at sea
Pure unremitting Hope
An unquenchable thirst
An unsatisfied yearning
An unscratchable itch
There for everyone
When all else fails
Hope waits for us all
Sitting patiently
Upon its primordial throne
Since time immemorial
And until the end of time

THE ACCIDENTAL VILLAIN

I am the smoke
That simply floats away
On a convenient breeze
Drifting away
Powerless to stop
And at the mercy of the wind

I am the smoke and there is
A kind of beauty about me
But also there is danger in me

I am the smoke and I am mercurial
Appearing in many forms
I am thick like pea soup fog
Or thin and translucent like a veil

I am the smoke and
I have no purpose
I am only an after thought
A bi product of something useful
I am the smoke
And I am the villain

ENDSHIP

OldfriEND or New FriEND,
BoyfriEND or GirlfriEND,
BestFRIEND or FriEND,
They all have an END
So if you’re looking for longevity
Look no further than family

SWALK IS AN ACRONYM FOR

SWALK is an acronym for
“Sealed with a loving kiss”
Used when writing letters
To loved ones we miss

I SIT WITH A MIRROR STRAIGHT AHEAD OF ME

I sit with a mirror straight ahead of me
And another one placed behind me
So my image is repeated in perpetuity
That way I don’t feel so lonely

PUZZLING

How should I begin to describe you?
Well you are 13 down,
Without exception, and always 2 across
But you have never been 1 down
And sadly not once 19 across
You are four letters
Starting with a S and ending with a Y
You are coffee time and an acrostic too
As well as being cryptic
Let’s try 11 down followed by three across
Which is what might describe you
But I have never known you to be 7 down
A dictionary won’t help me, nor a thesaurus
You are Mind-bendingly vexatious, unfathomable
Inscrutable and infuriating enigmatic
And like most women I have known
You are an unsolvable puzzle to me

ON THAT BEAUTIFUL SUNLIT DAY IN JUNE

On that beautiful sunlit day in June
When they played that familiar tune
My heart was filled with happiness
When I saw you in the big white dress

I stole a sideways glance at you
And found you looking at me too
It was quite goofy we smiled so much
I took your hand and felt your tender touch

Proudly we stood together side by side
As before God the knot was tied
My heart filled again with happiness
As I wed the girl in the big white dress

If pride is a sin then I’ve sinned too much
I’ve felt it when I’ve felt your loving touch
I’ve felt it at our happiest and our saddest
And when I saw you in a maternity dress

Oh how I remember that day in June
When they played that familiar tune
And my heart was filled with happiness
When I saw you in the big white dress

And now as I look back across the years
To the times of laughter and of tears
I wish to tell it to the world and shout it loud
I’ve never said “I love you” and not felt proud

ILLUMINATED SUNSET CLOUDS

Illuminated sunset clouds, lit
Like smoke in a funeral pyre
In red and orange shades
As the sky burns with fire

THE TRUTH ABOUT FAMILY

Have you noticed that
Family Contains I L Y
Which stands for “I Love You”
And no one asks why

Shrovetide

SHROVETIDE

Shrovetide begins on Egg Saturday
Heralding the coming of lent
And deciding what to give up
Is normally the way it is spent

EGG SATURDAY

The first day of Shrovetide
Is Shrove or Egg Saturday
An Oxfordshire tradition
Sometimes called egg feast day

QUINQUAGESIMA SUNDAY

The second day of Shrovetide
Shrove Sunday or Quinquagesima
Celebrated in the Christian church
As the fiftieth day before Easter

COLLOP MONDAY

The third day of Shrovetide
Once known as Collop Monday
Named after Collops of bacon
A traditional dish of the day
Which was served with eggs
It’s the forgotten Shrove Monday

NICKANAN NIGHT

Nickanan Night or Shrove Monday evening
Was a time for boys to commit petty crime
Now we don’t have it on one special night
Instead now it appears to happen all the time

THE PANCAKE DAY RACE

The Pancake Day race was a popular event
And was held amidst much happy hoorays
Until the runners became too competitive
And behaved like parents on sports days

ASH WEDNESDAY

There is a religious reason
Why it is a significant day
But cremated pancake on the hob
Is the only ash around our way

WHAT DO YOU CALL THE DAY?

What do you call the day?
That comes after Ash Wednesday
And before kissing Friday
Well we just call it Thursday

KISSING FRIDAY

The tradition of kissing Friday
Was called Nippy Hug Day
When Leicestershire men
Could demand on that day
A kiss from any woman
Of his choice by custom
And if she was to refuse
He could then pinch her bum
But since world war two
Kissing Friday doesn’t apply
It has fallen from favour
I can’t understand why

A Little Bit Of Humour # 109

WHINGING BRITS ABROAD # 12

The beach was right outside the hotel
Which I suppose was alright
But is wasn’t much like the brochure
The sand was yellow not white

WINKS IS AN ACRONYM

WINKS is an acronym for
"Women with Incomes and
No Kids" plenty of money
But no ring on their hand

I HAD A TERRIBLE NIGHT’S SLEEP

I had a terrible night’s sleep
So I went to see Miss Alconbury
About a Chemistry question
But apparently we don’t have any

SHE ONLY COME TO ME WITH A PROBLEM

She only come to me with a problem
When she wants my help solving it
But if she’s looking for sympathy
Then she knows that I’m not fit
So her girlfriends must fill that need
Because I’m an unsympathetic git

MORNGY THURSDAY

At a soup kitchen, they ran out of food
Due to a basic error in their sums
And tempers flared among the homeless
In fact there were a lot of hot cross bums

ARE YOU WEARING A TURKEY SUIT?

Are you wearing a turkey suit?
I really love holiday pranks
But you look like a total arse
And for that I give thanks

THANKSGIVING DAY TURKEY

Bimbette was preparing
For Thanksgiving Day
One hour per pound
So the instructions say
“One hundred and ten
Pound’s is what I weigh”
Bimbette said and put
The Turkey on a baking tray
And roasted the bird
For almost five days

DETECTIVE FOGHORN LEGHORN

Detective Foghorn Leghorn
Was called to a crime scene today
To investigate the death
Of a Turkey, he suspects fowl play

DURING THE THANKSGIVING HOLIDAY

During the thanksgiving holiday
From coast to coast
What do you call a stuffed animal?
We call it a turkey roast

THERE IS A SPECIAL PLACE

There is a special place
In hell for people that play
Any Christmas music
Before Thanksgiving Day

IF AS THEY SAY, MARRIAGE IS A WAR

If as they say, Marriage is a war
Then it’s the only war as far as I can see
Where, as one of the protagonists
You get to sleep with the enemy

IF I HAVE A FIGHT WIFE MY WIFE

If I have a fight wife my wife, I think
“Don't take your troubles to bed”,
So I follow the advice to the letter
And sleep with someone else instead

Halloween Tales 2015 # 2

ARE YOU WEARING A SPOOKY SWEATER?

Are you wearing a spooky sweater?
Well there’s no attempt to hide
The ample contents so I would say
You could turn me to the dark side

SHE MAY BE A WITCH

She may be a witch
And she may do spells
Which sounds like poety
As far as anyone tells
So just beware of
Unnatural smells
Or you’ll fall victim
To one of her spells

ARE YOU WEARING A HALLOWEEN JUMPER?

Are you wearing a Halloween Jumper?
Well its contents are rather bumper
The skeleton motive I should mention
Is not needed to attract my attention

THEY MAY LOOK CUTE AND SWEET

They may look cute and sweet
They may look smart and dandy
But they’re vicious little monsters
Who’ll rob you of all your candy

ARE YOU WEARING TOE OF NEWT?

Are you wearing toe of newt?
Is it part of a witchy spell?
Is it the witchy version of GHB?
I’m so smitten I cannot tell

DOUBLE, DOUBLE, TOIL AND TROUBLE

Double, double, toil and trouble
Fire burn and cauldron bubble
Shake it shake it at the double
Don’t drink much or you’re in trouble

ARE YOU WEARING A HALLOWEEN HAT?

Are you wearing a Halloween Hat?
Sitting so perfectly on your head
A gruesome little tit for tat
With fangs dripping crimson red

ARE YOU WEARING A HALLOWEEN TOP?

Are you wearing a Halloween Top?
Well I very much like what I see
Because there isn’t very much of it
And the contents are bursting free

ARE YOU WEARING A HALLOWEEN CARDIGAN?

Are you wearing a Halloween Cardigan?
A cardigan? On all hallows eve
A cardy doesn’t say “night of the dead”
So I don’t think you really believe

ARE YOU WEARING A HALLOWEEN WAISTCOAT?

Are you wearing a Halloween waistcoat?
Oh I like the way the buttons glow
And the whole thing luminesces
It really is very Edgar Allan Poe

Halloween Tales 2015 # 1

ARE YOU WEARING A HALLOWEEN SWEATER?

Are you wearing a Halloween sweater?
It’s a bit cute and pretty in my view
So if you don’t mind my saying so
You’re not a proper witch are you?

I THINK MY CHICKENS ARE POSSESSED

I think my chickens are possessed
My wife is very much distressed
Their feathers are all dishevelled
And the eggs they lay are Devilled

ARE YOU WEARING A GHOULISH JUMPER?

Are you wearing a ghoulish Jumper?
Well its contents are rather bumper
I don’t think you’re one of those kooks
And that’s a lovely pair of spooks

I LOST MY VIRGINITY TO A WICCAN GIRL

I lost my virginity to a Wiccan girl
Who was a scrawny little witch
With the reputation for being
A bit of a thorny little bitch
She mellowed to me in my bed
And I was left with a horny itch

ARE YOU WEARING HALLOWEEN EARRINGS?

Are you wearing Halloween earrings?
They rather fill me with dread?
Please answer me one question
Are they real shrunken heads?

THE THREE FOOT GHOSTS AND GHOULS

The three foot ghosts and ghouls
Roam the neighbourhood streets
Demanding candy with menaces
When tricks arise after no treats

ARE YOU WEARING A HALLOWEEN TIE?

Are you wearing a Halloween tie?
If that’s what it’s supposed to be
Well what is it if it’s not a tie?
Oh god it’s alive and wriggly

DARK MONSTERS FROM THE PITS OF HELL

Dark monsters from the pits of hell
Ghosts and ghouls from where they dwell
Witch or warlock cast a withering spell
All answering the ring of the Halloween bell

ARE YOU WEARING STRIPED STOCKINGS?

Are you wearing striped stockings?
It must be that time of the year again
I know you think they’re cute, but
Your legs look like necrotic candy canes

ARE YOU WEARING A HALLOWEEN DRESS?

Are you wearing a Halloween Dress?
Well it’s really just a black shapeless thing
But I suppose it’s all right as it goes
If I get to find out what’s under the thing

A Little Bit Of Humour # 108

WHINGING BRITS ABROAD # 11

The golden beach was outside the hotel
Which was really handy
But although it looked like the brochure
The beach was too sandy

DINKY IS AN ACRONYM

DINKY is an acronym for
“Double income no kits yet”
And Dinky’s are really as
Smug as it’s possible to get

NO MATTER YOUR PERSUASION

No matter your persuasion
Sex is not the answer
Sex is actually the question
And “Yes” is the answer

THE PRIMARY SCHOOL TEACHER ASKED

The primary school teacher asked
Name something we have today Ellie
That we didn’t have ten years ago
Ellie replied immediately, “Me”

IF THE NEVERLAND GOVERNMENT

If the Neverland government
Hadn’t cut his disability
Captain Hook would never
Have turned to piracy?

THEY ARE PLANNING A REMAKE

They are planning a remake
Of the classic “the railway children”
But it’s a low budget version
Called the bus replacement children

THERE WAS UPROAR AT THE BAZAAR

There was uproar at the bazaar
In fact it was a little bizarre
When the face painting artist
Turned out to be a Surrealist

APPARENTLY NIGERIA IS NOW POLO FREE

Apparently Nigeria is now polo free
So that’s deserves congratulations
But to be honest I didn’t think
They were one of the equestrian nations

LET’S TRY ROLE PLAY

She said “Let’s try role play
My dirty little mister”
“Ok” he agreed “I’ll be me
And you can be your sister”

WE CAN MAKE LOVE

“We can make love” she said
Suggestively more and more
But I ignored her and put vole
On a triple word score

A Little Bit Of Humour # 107

WHINGING BRITS ABROAD #10

While we were in Spain
I bought a Rolex from an Algerian
Which turned out to be a fake
I’ll never see those 10 Euros again

NIMBY IS AN ACRONYM

NIMBY is an acronym for
“Not In My Back Yard”
If you want to find a Nimby
It really isn’t very hard

ON THE WARD FOR UNWELL BOYS

On the ward for unwell boys
There were a selection of toys
Operation was the particular game
That Tom asked for by name
But Sister said without hesitation
“There’s a waiting list for operation”

THEY’VE STARTED A BREEDING PROGRAM

They’ve started a breeding program
At our local petting zoo
But visitors are worried it will
Become a heavy petting zoo

I WAS HANGING OUT BY THE POOL

I was hanging out by the pool
When I was on holiday in Spain
But someone kindly let me know
So I tucked it back in again

MARRIAGE IS LIKE A PACK OF CARDS

Marriage is like a pack of cards
For when the first deal is made
All you need is a couple of Hearts
And a Diamond to make the grade
But by the end of the endeavour
You will want a Club and a Spade

MY DOG BIT ME ON THE NUTS

My dog bit me on the nuts
When I accidentally kicked her
My wife said it was karma
But I thought she was crosser

SHE WAS SO DRUNK AT THE PARTY

She was so drunk at the party
When her period came on
She mistakenly used a party popper
Instead of a tampon

WHEN I SAW MY WIFE’S BOTOX BILL

When I saw my wife’s Botox bill
I couldn’t believe my eyes
I pointed it out to my wife
But she didn’t look surprised

THE COMPANY WHO SUPPLIED

The company who supplied
My wife’s enhanced d-cup
Used Helium breast implants
So the company went tits up

A Little Bit Of Humour # 106

WHINGING BRITS ABROAD # 9

When we were on holiday
My wife was bitten by a mosquito
Nowhere in the brochure
Did it mention mosquitoes

BANANA IS AN ACRONYM

BANANA is an acronym for
"Build Absolutely Nothing
Anywhere Near Anybody"
That’s real forward thinking

I WANTED TO WRITE A BOOK ABOUT MACHISMO

I wanted to write a book about machismo
About real men achieving their destiny
A ground breaking piece of literature
Unfortunately my wife wouldn't let me

I’M NOT DAIRY OR GLUTEN INTOLERANT

I’m not dairy or gluten intolerant
Nor do I follow the sugar free fad
I don’t need to entertain them,
I’m tolerant of all foods and I’m glad

ARE YOU USING CONTRACEPTION?

“Are you using contraception?
Either Condoms or the pill?
So between you and your boyfriend”
She was asked “Who foots the bill?”
“I do” she replied “I’m a liberated woman,
But the cost of them is something grim,
The problem is I don't know him well enough
To discuss money with him”

WHY CAN'T HOBO’S PLAY BASEBALL?

Why can't hobo’s play baseball?
At the Hubert H. Humphrey Metrodome?
Well they say it’s nothing personal
It’s just that they can't find home

DON’T MOAN ABOUT FUEL ECONOMY

Don’t moan about fuel Economy
Please don’t keep going on
Spare a thought for Dr Who
His Tardis get 30 years to the gallon

WHEN LIFE GIVES YOU LEMONS, AGAIN

When life gives you lemons
Making lemonade is the deal
But if life gives you Lemmings
I’m afraid that’s too surreal

NATURE GIFTED US WITH THE SNOWY OWL

Nature gifted us with the snowy owl
Who on majestic wings takes flight
In the Arctic regions of the North
Hunting its prey both day and night

CORBYN!

Corbyn! Leading the labour party
They couldn’t have got it wronger
I wouldn’t have voted for him
To lead the conference party conga

A Little Bit Of Humour # 105

WHINGING BRITS ABROAD # 8

We had to line up outside
To catch the sightseeing boat
And there was no air-conditioning
Not even when we got afloat

ADIDAS IS AN ACRONYM

ADIDAS is an acronym for
"All day I dream about sex"
And by the time I get to bed
I’m suffering from the effects

IT’S TEN YEARS, ALMOST TO THE DAY

Its ten years, almost to the day
Since I decided to marry my wife
And marrying her was the last
Decision I made in my life

PERCEPTION AND PERSPECTIVE

Perception and perspective
That’s life and all about it
Although I suppose it would
Depend on how you look at it

I WANTED TO WRITE A BOOK ABOUT FEMINISM

I wanted to write a book about feminism
About women achieving their destiny
A ground breaking piece of literature
Unfortunately my boyfriend wouldn't let me

THE WEARING OF ODD COLOURED SOCKS

The wearing of odd coloured socks
Is considered quirky by the youth
For adulthood it’s a bit hipster
But for seniors its dementia in truth

THERE MIGHT WELL BE, AS THEY SAY

There might well be, as they say
“Plenty more fish in the sea”
But until I catch myself a soul
I'm left holding my pole

A MAJOR NEW BIOPIC IS PLANNED

A major new Biopic is planned
So British film fans stand by
It is about Greggs the Bakers
It will be called “The Life of Pie”

TO MANY THE TIME ARRIVES

To many the time arrives
To take stock of their lives
But it’s nothing I condone
So leave your livestock alone

THE BRICK ROAD IS YELLOW

The brick road is yellow
In Oz because, because
Of the insanitary habits
Of the Wizzer of Oz

A Little Bit Of Humour # 104

WHINGING BRITS ABROAD # 7

When we were in Spain there
Were a lot of foreigner there
And they all spoke Spanish
Which I don’t think is fair

WASP IS AN ACRONYM

WASP is an acronym for
"White Anglo-Saxon Protestant"
The target demographic for UKIP
And Nigel Farage has their scent

I WAS CAMPING OUT AT THE WEEKEND

I was camping out at the weekend
In the evergreen forests of Caledonia
But I was confused when I discovered
The pine trees smelt of air freshener

I WENT TO A TALK ABOUT THE WHEELBARROW

I went to a talk about the Wheelbarrow
Just another boring gardening talk
But I was wrong, it was totally enthralling
Next week’s position is the crab walk

I VISITED NIGEL FARAGE’S GARDEN

I visited Nigel Farage’s garden
Well it was hardly National Trust
The patch of lawn was really shit
But the borders were very robust

MY GARDENER HAS OCD

My gardener has OCD
His herb beds are alphabetized
I asked how he found the time
“It’s next to the Sage” he replied

MY SISTER IS A GIANT IN JOURNALISM

My sister is a giant in journalism
And her prowess is eternal
Standing over six feet high
She’s on the Tall Street Journal

WHY ARE PIDGEON’S GREAT BASEBALL PLAYERS?

Why are Pidgeon’s great baseball players?
At the Hubert H. Humphrey Metrodome?
Well it’s obvious when you think about it
It’s because they always make it home

I WANTED TO WRITE A BOOK ABOUT INDEPENDENCE

I wanted to write a book about independence
About people achieving their destiny
A ground breaking piece of literature
Unfortunately my mum wouldn't let me

WE HAVE TWO THINGS IN OUR TOWN

We have two things in our town
Pharmaceuticals and Speedway
The latter has fast and furious thrills
But they don’t use bikes by the way

A Little Bit Of Humour # 103

WHINGING BRITS ABROAD # 6

“No hairdressers at the resort”
The sign said at the resort
My wife is a hairdresser
And she was totally distraught

WHINGING HOLIDAY MAKERS # 6

We went all-inclusive and booked
A day out to a water park, with flumes
But no-one thought to tell us we needed
To take our own swimming costumes

BOOF IS AN ACRONYM

BOOF is an acronym
For "burned out old fart"
I hope that doesn’t refer to me
I’ll tell you that for a start

VAGAZZLING

Vagazzling is a really bizarre
Thing to do to your bits, ok
Because the only men that
Find it attractive will be gay

I’VE NEVER BEEN A FAN OF COMPLEMENTARY MEDICINE

I’ve never been a fan of complementary medicine
But when all else failed I decided to try it
I was given helium as part of my treatment
And I can’t speak highly enough about it

AFTER BEING CAUGHT USING

After being caught using an
Abhorrent substance in plain view
The shamed sportsman has promised
Never again to touch tofu

AFTER BEING CAUGHT, WITH NO EXCUSE

After being caught, with no excuse
For abhorrent substance abuse
The shamed sportsman has sworn
Never again to touch Quorn

AT THE WINTER OLYMPICS GAMES

At the Winter Olympics Games
One of the sponsors participating
Is a pharmaceutical giant who
Are sponsoring the Speed skating

IT WAS INEVITABLE THAT RED BULL

It was inevitable that Red Bull
Would be involved in Formula One
The spectators need to drink it
To stay awake when all said and done

I CAN’T TELL YOU HOW MUCH I DISLIKE F1

I can’t tell you how much I dislike F1
I only watch as a last resort
I find the F1 function key on my laptop
More interesting than the sport

A Little Bit Of Humour # 102

WHINGING BRITS ABROAD # 5

We flew to the West Indies
It took nine hours to get there
It took the Americans three hours
This seems very unfair

WHINGING HOLIDAY MAKERS # 5

We requested a twin bed room
But we ended up with a king size
As a result my wife is pregnant
So that was a nice holiday surprise

CRAFT IS AN ACRONYM

CRAFT is an acronym for
“Can’t remember a fucking thing”
And it’s an Acronym for
“Can’t remember a fucking thing”

WE WENT TO THE LOCAL MULTIPLEX

We went to the local Multiplex
To watch a film called “Anticlimax”
I would have left early if I could
Although the first part was good

MY GIRLFRIEND PASSED OUT

My girlfriend passed out
On the “merry go round”
But she’s alright now, as
What goes around comes around

MY UNCLE’S FAVOURITE TREAT

My uncle’s favourite treat
Is Millionaire’s shortbread
But since he won the lottery
He just calls it shortbread

BEFORE THE WALL CAME DOWN

Before the wall came down, the
East was all about the Warsaw Pact
But since it was demolished, now
The East is empty and that’s a fact

I KNOW THAT PETTY CRIME IS RIFE

I know that petty crime is rife
But how did it come to this
Someone stole my urine sample
And that’s taking the piss

YOU CAN TRAIN ANIMALS TO DO ANYTHING

You can train animals to do anything
I don’t know where it will stop
We have a Pole dancing sheep
In the window of the kebab shop

AFTER MANY YEARS OF HARD WORK

After many years of hard work
Dedication, and repetitive training
Honing my craft at small events
Being informative and entertaining

So when the Olympics came around
My confidence was brimming
But I still ended up commentating
On the synchronized swimming

A Little Bit Of Humour # 101

WHINGING BRITS ABROAD # 4

We went to Spain on Holiday
But we didn’t like it a bit
The local supermarket
Didn’t even sell a proper biscuit

WHINGING HOLIDAY MAKERS # 4

When we were on holiday
We went swimming in the sea
No-one said there would be fish
The kids found it very scary
DILF IS AN ACRONYM

DILF is an acronym for
“Dad I’d like to fuck”
I got one that says
“Who’s the daddy”, just my luck

WHAT IS AN AUSTRALIAN KISS?

What is an Australian kiss?
Do you ever wonder?
Well it’s the same as a French kiss,
Only it’s down under.

THE PAPILLION AFFAIR

My friends happened to mention that
They didn’t particularly like butterflies
And my parents lost it completely,
Not caring for wherefores or whys
My friends became persona non grata
Treated as if they were evil Visigoths
It wasn’t as if they harmed butterflies
They just thought them arrogant Moths

THE BIG SALE STARTS TODAY

The big sale starts today,
30% Reduction Friday
Which comes the day after
50% increase Thursday

TURN ON COUNTDOWN

Last night I was watching Countdown
And Rachel Riley in a colourful gown
When I told my wife, where I am housed
That when watching Rachel I got Aroused
I could tell that I had let down my guard
Her instant response was to slap me, hard
She slapped me unconscious how absurd
And all I did was get a seven-letter word

POSTMAN LOSES SACK

“Postman loses sack”
The crossword-er said
How many letters?
A listener wondered
The former replied
About 500

THE HEAD OF GLOBAL SALES

The head of global sales
Bought a new kitten today
And when he took it home
He took it to the litter tray
And then he said “let’s not
Think outside the box, ok”

THE ONLY GOOD THING

The only good thing
About the end of Wimbledon
Is it means you’re two weeks
Closer to football season

A Little Bit Of Humour # 100

WHINGING BRITS ABROAD # 3

We went on holiday to Spain
But the shopkeepers couldn’t be lazier
The shops closed in the afternoon
I ran out of fags during the Siesta

WHINGING HOLIDAY MAKERS # 3

Topless sunbathing on the beach
Should be universally banned
My husband finds it distracting
And can’t relax as he planned

MILF IS AN ACRONYM

MILF is an acronym for
“Mum I’d like to fuck”
But I’d end up with a Mother
Superior knowing my luck

WHEN I FIRST HEARD ABOUT A SELFIE STICK

When I first heard about a selfie stick
I thought to myself “that sounds good”
But when I eventually got to see one
It was obvious I had misunderstood

I HAD BREAKFAST WITH AN ORNITHOLOGIST

I had breakfast with an Ornithologist
And I thought the waiter made a mistake
But it turned out it was me who was wrong
He really had ordered some Corn Crake

THE TRUTH ABOUT CANDY CRUSH

When I first heard the name mentioned
I had a flash back to tell the truth
I was convinced that Candy Crush
Was a minor porn star from my youth

I AM A QUITE REMARKABLE PERSON

I am a quite remarkable person
And that’s a matter of fact
But the trouble with being fantastic
Is that Opposites attract

THE IRISH CELEBRATE ST PATRICKS DAY

The Irish celebrate St Patricks Day
And I have always wondered why
As they have three patron saints
Perhaps Patrick had a better PR guy

HE WAS NOT BLESSED WITH LOOKS

He was not blessed with looks
And had a look to be pitied
He had a face like a fit, but
You couldn’t tell what it fitted

HIS FEATURES WERE AT ODDS

His features were at odds
Individually each was a quirk
His face didn’t seem to understand
The value of teamwork

NEGLECTED WIFE

She was a good wife but was neglected
She had no marital attention paid
Her husband was always in the pub
Blowing the froth off another barmaid

A Little Bit Of Humour # 99

WHINGING BRITS ABROAD # 2

We went on holiday to Spain
The taxi drivers were a nightmare
All of them were Spanish
Now how can that be fair?

WHINGING HOLIDAY MAKERS # 2

We had a terrible holiday
It was ruined by drunken pests
Our tour operator should have
Warned us of noisy unruly guests

ARE YOU WEARING EAU DE COLOGNE?

Are you wearing eau de Cologne?
Well something smells wrong
I don’t think it’s the real deal
Like it was bottled in Hong Kong?

ALTHOUGH I’M CLEARLY NOT A GIRL

Although I’m clearly not a girl I do
Understand the concept of a trainer bra
But if there are similar aims with trainer socks
Then I don’t know what they are

MY NEXT DOOR NEIGHBOUR IS FAT AND BALD

My next door neighbour is fat and bald
And just sits around all day
He’s looks like the Buddha, but without
The enlightenment I’d say

I TOLD MY DAD THAT I HAD JOB TEMPING

I told my dad that I had job temping
Which sent him quite dolalli
“Fifteen years of education” he raged
“To work at a bowling alley”

ECCEDENTESIAST DESCRIBES SOMEONE

Eccedentesiast describes someone
Who hide their pain behind a smile
Football supporters are like that
Especially if you support Carlisle

MY MUSIC TASTES ARE QUITE ECLECTIC

My music tastes are quite eclectic
So in almost any genre I easily fit
From classical to electro swing
But rap music is an oxymoron isn’t it?

THE DEFINITION OF OXYMORON

The definition of oxymoron
Well that should be a breeze
I’ll give you a clue, it’s not
A person too stupid to breathe

APPLE ARE BUILDING A NEW HQ

Apple are building a new HQ
Its secret design, nobody knows
But one thing we know for sure
The office won’t have windows

A Little Bit Of Humour # 98

WHINGING BRITS ABROAD # 1

We went on holiday to Goa in India
We won’t go back in a hurry
I was disgusted to find that almost
Every restaurant served curry

WHINGING HOLIDAY MAKERS # 1

We went on a self-catering
Luxury break in Bognor
But the fully equipped kitchen
Didn’t have an egg separator

ARE YOU WEARING YOUR BIRTHDAY CLOTHES? # 1

Are you wearing your birthday clothes?
Well if I might be so bold
Don’t just sit there
Or you might catch cold

YOLO IS AN ACRONYM

YOLO is an acronym for
“You only live once” which is nice
Unless of course you’re James Bond
Then “you only live twice”

ARE YOU WEARING EAU DE TOILETTE?

Are you wearing eau de toilette?
Well it’s starting to make me gag
It also reminds me of something
Oh I know it’s a tarts handbag

APPLE ARE DESIGNING A HOUSE

Apple are designing a house
But the one thing nobody knows
Is whether or not the iHome
Is going to have Windows

GROUNDHOG DAY 2015

I heard that Punxsutawney Phil had last year
Bitten the towns Mayor's on the ear
It spoilt the photo opportunity alright
I wonder if that would be a sound bite?

GREECE’S FINANCIAL CRISIS HAS NOW DEEPENED

Greece’s financial crisis has now deepened
Causing a deep and widespread depression
Humus and Taramasalata sales have been banned
Which has now caused a double dip recession

MY WIFE IS A SEX OBJECT

My wife is a sex object
Though I still have respect
But whenever I ask for sex,
She will always object

ACCORDING TO A POLL

Women’s silk Panties are Not
The best thing on earth,
According to a poll they are
Next to the best thing on earth