Pancake Week

SHROVE TUESDAY

Since before the Christian era
Shrove Tuesday or Pancake Day
Was celebrated far and wide
And was originally a pagan holiday

Changing seasons was a struggle
Between Jarilo the God of brightness
Vegetation, fertility and springtime
And the evil spirits of cold and darkness

So they had to help the God Jarilo
And victory meant spring had begun
So they cooked and ate pancakes
Hot and round symbolizing the sun

ASH WEDNESDAY

Ashes are placed on the heads
Of worshipers on Ash Wednesday,
Either by being sprinkled or
More often the traditional way
By being marked as a visible cross
On their foreheads on the day

ASH WEDNESDAY FIRST DAY OF LENT

The palm branches blessed on Palm Sunday,
Are the following year, burnt and blessed again
And placed on the heads of the participants
To the accompaniment of the familiar refrain
"Remember that you are dust, and to dust you shall return”
And the Lenten season has begun once again

A Little Bit Of Humour # 92

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 366

Five little speckled frogs
Sat on a great big log
But they were soon to become
A delicious entre yum, yum

ARE YOU WEARING A SNOOD?

Are you wearing a snood?
Well I don’t like to be rude
But isn’t it a bit of a palaver
And it looks like a balaclava

I'VE SWALLOWED SOME

I've swallowed some of my
Scrabble tiles accidentally
I’m afraid when nature takes
It course it could spell tragedy

I CAN HEAR REALLY ANNOYING MUSIC

I can hear really annoying music
And it’s getting to be a real pain
It’s emanating from inside my printer
I think the paper's jammin' again

I WAS JUST SITTING THERE THINKING

I was just sitting there thinking
And wondered why absentmindedly
The baseball was getting bigger
And bigger and then it hit me

I WAS JUST SITTING IN THE STAND

I was just sitting in the stand
And wondered why absentmindedly
The football was getting bigger
And bigger and then it hit me

LOOK IT’S NOT LIKE I’M HURTING ANYONE

Look it’s not like I’m hurting anyone
It’s not like I fell for her out of habit
And can I say I’m only human after all
So is it weird that I fancy Jessica Rabbit?

MY MUM GAVE ME THE SEX TALK

My mum gave me the sex talk
And during it she told me what to do
“You don’t have to put anything
In your mouth that you don’t want to”
Well I thought about it for a while
And then I stopped eating tofu

HE ASKED ME A QUESTION

He asked me a question
In the most cryptic of ways
Does your mouth bleed?
Every twenty eight days?
And I didn’t recognise it
As an insult for several days

A SUSPECT IN THE ALASKAN MURDER CASE

A suspect in the Alaskan murder case
Was asked for an alibi by Detective Starch
When he asked "So tell me where you
Were on the night of September to March?"

I REALLY ENJOYED OUR DATE

I really enjoyed our date
I’m so glad that you rang
It was a brilliant Guy Fawkes
Night that ended with a bang

I THINK GOOGLE IS A WOMAN

I think Google is a woman because
It won't let me finish my question
Or a sentence for that matter, before
It starts making other suggestions

A Little Bit Of Humour # 91

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 365

Hush, little baby, don't say a word,
Mama's gonna buy you a mockingbird.
If I can get one from Pets at home

ARE YOU WEARING A SAILOR SUIT?

Are you wearing a sailor suit?
Are you trying to look cute?
Or are you trying to win a bet
Either way you just look wet

I LOVE JESSICA RABBIT

I love Jessica Rabbit,
I watch her films all the time
I find her so erotic
It’s just like watching porn
But don’t blame sweet Jessica
For my peccadilloes
It’s really not her fault
It’s just the way she’s drawn

THERE MAY WELL BE, AS THEY SAY

There may well be, as they say
“Plenty of fish in the sea”
But until I catch myself a cod
I'm left holding my rod

ONCE I FOUND OUT THAT MASTURBATING

Once I found out that masturbating
Was an addictive habit
I knew from that very moment on
That I just had to beat it

I ALWAYS WEAR A SEAT BELT

I always wear a seat belt
Even though they do constrict
But I couldn't work out how
To do it up and then it clicked

I CAN’T PLAY MY INSTRUMENT

I can’t play my instrument
We were mismatched
So I am selling my guitar
No strings attached

I WENT AWAY TO A THIRD WORLD COUNTRY

I went away to a third world country in secret
Because I knew the British doctors would scoff
So I went ahead and had a cheap circumcision
But although it was a lot cheaper it was a rip off

I LOVE THE HUMAN BODY

I love the human body though some
Bits more than others I must confess
And I thank God for nipples, as without
Them breasts would be pointless

OUTSIDE THE DRUG REHAB CENTRE

Outside the drug rehab centre
There was something a little crass
There was a sign on the lawn
That said “Keep off the Grass”

I AM NOT HANDY ABOUT THE HOUSE

I am not handy about the house
Or with the “Do It Yourself” game
And when a book falls on my head
I've only got my shelf to blame

DARTH VADER WAS SOMETHING OF A BAKER

Darth Vader was something of a baker
It was a side of him he liked to hide
He wasn’t good and when he made biscuits
They were always a little on the dark side

A Little Bit Of Humour # 90

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 364

King and Queen of Cantelon,
How many miles to Babylon?
Well that would depend upon
Where you are starting from

ARE YOU WEARING A SHELL SUIT?

Are you wearing a shell suit?
Well don’t you just look cute
But I know where you are heading
And it’s not suitable for a wedding

EIGHT OUT OF TEN INNER CITY MALES

Eight out of ten inner city males
Have had sex in the shower, they admit
However the other twenty percent
It would seem haven't been to prison yet

BUSINESS CONVENTIONS ARE IMPORTANT

Business conventions are important
They demonstrate without a doubt
Exactly how many employees that
A company can operate without

YOU HAVE THIRTY PAIRS

You have thirty pairs
Of shoes, more or less
And standing in the room
In obvious distress
Won’t make me choose
No matter how much you press
The appropriate pair
To go with that dress

MY WIFE AND I ARE SEPARATED

My wife and I are separated
And the reason why we parted
She started all conversations
After the programs had started

NUMBERS OF TORTOISES AND TERRAPINS

Numbers of Tortoises and Terrapins
In the wild are falling faster and faster
Biologists and Environmentalists
Are all predicting a Turtle disaster

THE RECRUITMENT CONSULTANT ASKED ME

The recruitment consultant asked me
“What do you think of voluntary work”?
“To be honest with you I wouldn't do it
If you paid me” I replied with a smirk

NO MATTER WHAT LIFE THROWS YOUR WAY

No matter what life throws your way
The future is the cure for all sorrow
And nicest thing about the future is
That it will always start tomorrow

THE POLICE ARE BEING ISSUED WITH PENCILS

The police are being issued with pencils and
Very thin sheets of paper, all very low tech
It’s a new initiative being rolled out so that
When crimes occur they can trace a suspect

THE BLIZZARD OF OZ

The Blizzard of Oz
Continued to blow
Until the yellow brick road
Was covered in snow

MY DOCTOR IS A LOCUM

My doctor is a Locum
Who replaced Dr Slocombe
And all I get is Hokum
With a sprinkling of bunkum
But I have my heath so Ho hum

A Little Bit Of Humour # 89

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 363

How many miles to Babylon?
Are measured in the blood
Of the innocents

ARE YOU WEARING A DENIM SKIRT?

Are you wearing a denim skirt?
Whether it’s in fashion or not
If you don’t mind me being bold
You manage to make it look hot

IF YOUR BLIND DATE IS DESCRIBED TO YOU # 11

If your blind date is described to you
As “Young at heart” it’s just a trick
Read between the lines and see they’re
Trying to fob you off with some old geriatric

WHENEVER WE ARGUE

Whenever we argue
You cry without fail
Has no one ever told you
Crying is blackmail

MONEY MAY NOT INDEED BE THE KEY

Money may not indeed be the key
To happiness, but
If you have enough money you can
Have your own key cut

WHY CAN'T YOU RUN THROUGH A CAMP?

Why can't you run through a camp?
Because that would cause grammatical offence
You cannot run through a camp at all
It would obviously “be ran” because it's past tents

I’VE BEEN DOING A SELF-HELP COURSE

I’ve been doing a self-help course
But it hasn’t helped a bit
I’ve attended all the classes
And read the literature, which is shit
I can’t build myself a mountain
Or catch rainbows and such,
I’m better off at home watching telly
And it doesn’t cost so much

MY GRANDDAD WON’T EAT BROWN BREAD

My granddad won’t eat brown bread
Because he doesn’t have to anymore
When he was a boy his whole family
Had to eat it because they were poor

WHEN POLICE SEARCHED THE HOME

When Police searched the home
Of Cliff Richard, and were to seize
A very large amount of material
Because they were led to believe
There was a link to Yew Tree
And they found among the amalgam
To their complete and utter disgust
That he was releasing a new album

THE FIRST TESTICULAR PROTECTION

The first testicular protection
Known as a "box" was introduced
In 1874
Whereas the first cranial protection
Known as a “helmet” was introduced
In 1974
So it only took a hundred years
For Cricketers to figure out the score
That balls shouldn’t be more
Important than brains anymore

BATSMEN WEAR A PROTECTIVE BOX

Batsmen wear a protective box
In order to ensure
That the bowler cannot
Rearrange his furniture

ESKIMO FISHERMEN

Eskimo fishermen sat shivering in their kayak
So they lit a fire in the craft to warm the two
And it immediately sank, proving once and for all
That you can't have your kayak and heat it too

A Little Bit Of Humour # 88

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 362

Are you sleeping, are you sleeping,
Brother John? Brother John?
Your alarm is buzzing,
Your alarm is buzzing
Wake up John, Wake up John

ARE YOU WEARING A PLASTIC MAC?

Are you wearing a plastic Mac?
It’s a very practical garment
But wearing it over your clothes
Was the garments original intent

IF YOUR BLIND DATE IS DESCRIBED TO YOU # 10

If your blind date is described to you
As “A Good Listener” don’t go all romantic
Because it will be worse than it sounds
And they’ll be Borderline Autistic

LIFE’S VEXATIONS # 8

Is there anything more annoying?
If I had my way it would be a crime
Those people who point at their wrist
While they are asking for the time

MAMIL IS AN ACRONYM

MAMIL is an acronym
For “Middle Aged Men In Lycra”
I have to confess that’s not the word
I use for an old peddle cycler

I REMEMBER WELL THAT FATEFUL DAY

I remember well that fateful day
When I read of the evils of drinking
And so shocked was I that I decided
On that very spot to give up reading

HER GRANDSON WAS AT UNIVERSITY

Her grandson was at university
And wrote he was learning Judo
Why a Christian boy would want
To convert she just didn’t know

MY ONCE SWEET WIFE HAS BECOME MEAN

My once sweet wife has become mean
And short tempered thanks to the menopause
I try to be sympathetic but on her really bad days
I think it’s more like the mental pause

IF THE ADVICE FOR A MAN WHO HAS LOST

If the advice for a man who has lost
Interest in sex is to see a doctor
What would the advice be if
The sufferer is actually a doctor?

I WAS JUST SITTING THERE IN THE PARK

I was just sitting there in the park
And wondered why absentmindedly
The Frisbee was getting bigger
And bigger and then it hit me

I CAN’T QUITE REMEMBER HOW

I can’t quite remember how
To throw a boomerang now
But then eventually
It came back to me

A CHICKPEA AND A LENTIL

A chickpea and a lentil, what is
The difference between that brace?
It’s simple really because no one
Ever paid to have a lentil on their face

A Little Bit Of Humour # 87

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 361

A Frog he went a courting,
Well it’s not like he has
Anything else to do since
He lost the French Presidency

ARE YOU WEARING A MANKINI?

Are you wearing a mankini?
Well the coverage is teeny
And you’re as fat as Mussolini
And I can see you’re weeny

IF YOUR BLIND DATE IS DESCRIBED TO YOU # 9

If your blind date is described to you
As “Wanting a Soulmate” then watch out
Because it will be worse than it sounds
They’ll be a stalker without a doubt

LIFE’S VEXATIONS # 7

I hate it when buying sunglasses
When I find a pair I want to try
And that stupid little plastic thing
Dangles right in front of my eye

FROSTY THE SNOWMAN DIVORCED HIS WIFE

Frosty the snowman divorced his wife
As the marriage was a mistake
He decided to divorce his wife
After he found out she was a flake

HOORAY HENRYS AND HENRIETTA’S

Hooray Henrys and Henrietta’s
Don’t act like our social better’s
The so called cream of society
Can’t even achieve regular sobriety

Flaunting their wealth and partying
They’re behaviour makes me sick
And they’re only really the cream
Because they are all rich and thick

IT WAS A FLAMBOYANT THING

It was a flamboyant thing
With a corresponding price tag
But a Black Forest Gateaux
Was really a sponge cake in drag

SINCE YOU WALKED OUT ON ME

Since you walked out on me
As an act of defiance
Each morning I sit and eat
Breakfast in my pants
But I have discovered
Its little consolation
And I actually miss
Your personal hygiene rants

COACH JOSÉ MOURINHO

Coach José Mourinho
Likes to strut and preen
But doesn’t like to lose
And likes to cause a scene
He’s always crying foul
As he’s a real drama queen

I AM BY NO MEANS PERFECT, BUT

I am by no means perfect, but my wife
Has a particularly dirty habit
Which she won’t like me mentioning
As it involves a rampant rabbit

YOU CAN KEEP YOUR GOLDEN DELICIOUS

You can keep your Golden Delicious
I don’t want to eat them anymore
I want a flavour that isn’t fleeting
So a Cox’s apple is quality to the core

DOLPHINS SUFFER FROM ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION

Dolphins suffer from Erectile Dysfunction
And their sex life has come a cropper
Not much is known about their condition
But they’ve gone from Flipper to Flopper

A Little Bit Of Humour # 86

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 360

There they go round the mulberry bush,
Showing there bush,
Showing there bush,
There they go round the mulberry bush,
On a cold and frosty morning

ARE YOU WEARING A STOVEPIPE HAT?

Are you wearing a Stovepipe Hat?
Its height certainly exceeds
Are you trying to look taller?
Well a very wise man heeds
That any man is only as tall
As the sum of his deeds

IF YOUR BLIND DATE IS DESCRIBED TO YOU # 8

If your blind date is described to you
As “Professional” then start to twitch
Because it will be worse than it sounds
And she will definitely be a Certified Bitch

FROSTY THE SNOWMAN REALLY LOST HIS TEMPER

Frosty the snowman really lost his temper
And his behaviour was an absolute disgrace
He kept going on about an aggressive carrot
And he kept saying "just get out of my face"

LIFE’S VEXATIONS # 6

When you’re only browsing
In a department store
Five different sales people
Sometimes even more
Pestering and prying and
Asking if they can assist you
But when you need a one
There’s never one in view

WHEN YOU HAVE TEENAGERS

When you have teenagers
The more elaborate the excuse
The greater the likelihood
That it’s not actually the truth

THE ART OF MODERN MEDICINE

The art of modern medicine
Consists by varying degrees
Of keeping the patient amused
While nature cures the disease

IT’S BEEN TWENTY FIVE YEARS

It’s been twenty five years
Since the day she said “I do”
Almost as long as when
I said to her “you’re not are you?”

WHEN YOU ARE IN A LONG TERM RELATIONSHIP

When you are in a long term relationship
On Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries
Your normally rational other halves
Turn into fire breathing adversaries
And those once happy and joyous occasions
Become life and death quests to test us
To see if we can find the perfect present
And that goes double for Christmas

I DON’T LIKE STRIPPERS

I don’t like strippers
Pouting erotically
Bumping and grinding
Doesn’t do it for me
Nor Pole dancers
Going at it athletically
Lap dancing likewise
Doesn’t do it for me
Watching women undress
That does do it for me
Providing of course
I can find a suitable tree

I’VE BEEN INVITED TO GO AND SEE

I’ve been invited to go and see
Pole dancing and I’m rather keen
The last time I was only ten
And it was on the village green

MY DAD JOINED THE NAVY

My Dad joined the Navy
To see the world
And get out and about
But once he’d seen it
He wasn’t impressed
And wanted to get out

A Little Bit Of Humour # 85

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 359

Hickory, dickory, dock
The mouse ran up the clock
Which was unusual to find
A rodent interested
In chronology

ARE YOU WEARING A CAPE?

Are you wearing a cape?
A super hero’s shoulder drape
But you’re not a caped crusader
You’re a substitute teacher

IF YOUR BLIND DATE IS DESCRIBED TO YOU # 7

If your blind date is described to you
As “a Poet” don’t go all romantic
Because it will be worse than it sounds
And they’ll be a depressive Schizophrenic

LIFE’S VEXATIONS # 5

There is nothing that annoys me more
Than the elevator stopping on every floor
No one gets on or off which irks me treble
In fact it’s annoying on more than one level

FALLING IN LOVE IS LIKE POETRY

Falling in love is like poetry
But when she no longer calls
Don’t start writing her number
On every single toilet wall

THE GENERAL CONSENSUS

The general consensus
Is that it is inappropriate
To spank a child, and rightly so
Therefore with my own children
And grandchildren for that matter
I adopted a different tack
Whenever one of the little darlings
Goes into “meltdown”
I take the unhappy child
For a ride in the car
Where I find it possible to talk to them
Some say it's the cars vibration
Or the rhythm of the vehicle
Or maybe it’s just escaping
The modern day gadgets
Whatever it is I always find
A twenty minute car ride
With them tied to the roof rack
Always does the trick

AN OSTRICH'S EYE IS BIGGER

An ostrich's eye is bigger
Than its brain, apparently
I have known quite a few
People afflicted similarly

DON’T COMPARE YOURSELF TO OTHERS

Don’t compare yourself to others,
Whatever else you might do
Because in all probability
They’re more screwed up than you

MY BROTHER HAS BEEN SEEING A PSYCHIATRIST

My brother has been seeing a psychiatrist
He pays one hundred pounds a time
And he’s been doing it for bloody years
I think he must be out of his tiny mind

MY YOUNGER SISTER HAS SOME HABITS

My younger sister has some habits
That expose her to certain dangers
One of which is her innate ability
To annoy complete strangers

GEORGE WASHINGTON CHOPPED DOWN

George Washington chopped down
His father's favourite cherry tree,
Then George admitted doing it
He was rewarded for his honesty
When his father didn't punish him
Well those are the accepted facts
But I think we should consider
That George was still holding the ax

THE ONLY CUTTING EDGE THAT

The only cutting edge that
Gets sharper through life
The more it’s been used
Is the tongue of my wife

A Little Bit Of Humour # 84

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 358

Hey diddle diddle
Someone’s on the fiddle
It will probably be
Another celebrity
Not paying their tax

WE LEARNED ABOUT FOOD GROUPS TODAY AT SCHOOL

We learned about food groups today at school
Confections, vegetables, meat and protein
Dairy, fruits, grains, pulses and legumes
But what about Alcohol, Nicotine and Caffeine

ARE YOU WEARING ANY?

Are you wearing any?
Beneath your tartan gear
Because if your kilt flares up
There will be a raucous cheer

IF YOUR BLIND DATE IS DESCRIBED TO YOU # 6

If your blind date is described to you
As “a free spirit” you may fancy a frolic
But it will be far worse than it sounds
They’re either a drug addict or an alcoholic

LIFE’S VEXATIONS # 4

Is there anything more annoying?
Than when checking your tyre pressure
And you're trying to get a reading
Your pressure gauge lets out half the air

FOGHORN LEGHORN DIDN’T LIKE TO GO OUT

Foghorn Leghorn didn’t like to go out
It made his heartbeat quicken
So he wouldn’t even cross the road
Because he was a chicken

OVER CHRISTMAS THE AMBULANCE SERVICE

Over Christmas the ambulance service
Were “super busy”, meaning it was hectic
I’ve never heard that unit of measurement
So I’m not sure if it’s imperial or metric

WHEN WILLIAM JOINED THE ARMY

When William joined the army
He struggled with some of the drill
But the thing he hated the most
Was when they said “fire at will”

WHEN LIFE GIVES YOU LEMONS

When life gives you lemons
Making lemonade is the trick
When life gives you melons
You’re probably dyslexic

WHEN I GO AND PLAY GOLF

When I go and play golf, there
Is something I’ve always done
I take a second pair of Trousers
Just in case I get a hole in one

HERE IS AN INTERESTING FACT

Here is an interesting fact
Which should come as no surprise
The inventor of the humble
Door knocker won the No-bell prize

POETRY CAN BE VERY ROMANTIC

Poetry can be very romantic
But it doesn’t work for all
And it doesn’t really count if
You write it on a toilet wall

A Little Bit Of Humour # 83

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 357

Did you ever see a lassie?
A lassie, a lassie?
I’m not sure terms of endearment
Of that kind are strictly PC

ARE YOU WEARING A DENIM SHIRT?

Are you wearing a denim shirt?
Well if I may be so bold
Whether it’s in fashion or not
You manage to make it look old

IF YOUR BLIND DATE IS DESCRIBED TO YOU # 5

If your blind date is described to you
As “passionate and beautiful” don’t try her
Because in all probability she’ll be
A Sloppy drunk and a pathological liar

LIFE’S VEXATIONS # 3

Is there anything more annoying? As when
You want to use a word but can’t spell it
And fail to look it up in the dictionary
Because you don't know how to spell it

DIETING TIP # 9

Things licked off knives and spoons,
Which can be any soupcon or delicacy,
During the process of preparation
Are absolutely devoid of calories

FOGHORN LEGHORN AND ALL HIS PALS # 2

Foghorn leghorn and all his pals
Have all chosen to assemble
Their very own chicken choir
Which is called a Hensemble

I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO

I don’t know what to do
About all the sex, nudity,
Foul language and violence
On my DVD

CHOCOLATE BUTTONS

Chocolate buttons have always
Struck me as being rather rude
You may think it strange but
After all they’re Smartie’s in the nude

A COUPLE OF WOMEN

A couple of women
Live next door to me
One is middle-aged
And teaches PE
The other a social worker
In her mid-twenties
They go everywhere together
If you please
And I’ve never seen a man
Either enter or leave
I’m beginning to think
That they might be Lebanese

BEING FROM AN ARMY FAMILY I DREADED

Being from an army family I dreaded
Being invited to the officer’s mess
Because I’d have one too many margarita’s
And it always ends in distress

WHEN I SUGGESTED YOU NEEDED PROTECTION

When I suggested you needed protection
I wasn’t meaning you needed a condom
I was merely wondering if you happened
To have a suitable raincoat to put on

I WAS ALMOST DROWNED

I was almost drowned
Just a few miles from shore
And my life passed before my eyes
God it was a total bore

A Little Bit Of Humour # 82

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 356

Cock a doodle do!
The master's lost his fiddlestick?
And I don’t even think
I want to know what that is

ARE YOU WEARING ANYTHING TODAY?

Are you wearing anything today?
Well as I’m fond of your body type
If the answer is no, we can hang up
The phone and then we can Skype

IF YOUR BLIND DATE IS DESCRIBED TO YOU # 4

If your blind date is described to you
As “Average looking” then look out
Because it will be worse than it sounds
And they’ll have a face like a trout

WE HAVE LOVED EGGS # 4

We have loved eggs
Since we were children
Chuckie Eggs my dad
Used to call them

LIFE’S VEXATIONS # 2

Is there anything more annoying?
Can there ever be any doubt
When you can never get anything
Back in a box the way it came out

DIETING TIP # 8

Regarding the eating of broken biscuits
I think I have a tip that might assuage
Cookie pieces contain no calories as
Breaking them causes calorie leakage

FOGHORN LEGHORN AND ALL HIS PALS # 1

Foghorn leghorn and all his pals
Are a sickly bunch of cocks
They are itchy and scratchy
And all have the people-pox

MY GRANDFATHER WAS FROM LAPLAND

My Grandfather was from Lapland
And he was a the greatest hunter I bet
And when he went to the bleak tundra
To catch Arctic hare he used a hare net

YOU CAN LIKEN WOMEN’S BREASTS

You can liken women’s breasts to a
Birthday gift of a train set, for lads
They were originally meant for kids
But who gets to play with them, Dads

I’M NOT A FUSSY EATER AND THERE ISN’T

I’m not a fussy eater and there isn’t
Much I won’t eat out of choice
But I will not eat an oyster because
It’s like licking phlegm off a tortoise

DIVIDE THE CIRCUMFERENCE

Divide the circumference
Of a Pumpkin by
Its diameter, and you
Will get Pumpkin Pi

DON’T THINK EXTRA TERRESTRIAL

Don’t think Extra Terrestrial
When this question begs
What is ET short for?
It’s because he's only got little legs

A Little Bit Of Humour # 81

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 355

Cock a doodle do!
The maid has lost her shoe,
And that’s not the only thing
She lost in barn

ARE YOU WEARING SKINNY JEANS?

Are you wearing skinny jeans?
They are a very skinny pair
But on those lovely slender legs
What else would you wear?

IF YOUR BLIND DATE IS DESCRIBED TO YOU # 3

If your blind date is described to you
As “Well Educated” the choice is yours
It will probably be worse than it sounds
And means they had sex with all their tutors

WE HAVE LOVED EGGS # 3

We have loved eggs
Since we were children
Cackle Berries my dad
Used to call them

LIFE’S VEXATIONS # 1

Is there anything more annoying?
Is anything quite as wrong?
As the DJ on the radio
Not telling you who sang the song

SUPERMARKET BLUES # 2

You know it really gets me down
As you wait patiently in the queue
Waiting in line at the supermarket
And the line of People behind you
When as another checkout opens up
They suddenly dash ahead of you
To the newly opened checkout
And you’re at the back of your queue
And all those impatient shoppers
Get served and finished before you

DIETING TIP # 7

This is a sure fire way of slimming down
As dieting tips go it’s an absolute winner
If you make sure you associate with the obese
You will automatically look thinner

FOGHORN LEGHORN HAD A GIRLFRIEND

Foghorn Leghorn had a girlfriend
And her name was feathery Beth
But her feather all pointed the wrong way
And she tickled herself to death

I’M SITTING IN MY STUDY READING

I’m sitting in my study reading
Wearing my dressing gown
It’s a book about anti-gravity
It's impossible to put down

I DON’T LIKE LACE-UP SHOES

I don’t like lace-up shoes
And slip-ons aren’t so hot
That just leaves Velcro
So I figured why knot?

SNOWFLAKES MUST NEVER BE

Snowflakes must never be
Caught in your open mouth
Until you’re sure that all
The birds have flown south

A Little Bit Of Humour # 80

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 354

Bye, baby Bunting,
Daddy’s gone a-hunting,
Well he’s gone to the meat counter
At the local Sainsbury’s

ARE YOU WEARING FAIRY DUST?

Are you wearing fairy dust?
If you’re a fairy it really is a must
But the one thing I cannot tell
Are you the one called Tinkerbelle?

IF YOUR BLIND DATE IS DESCRIBED TO YOU # 2

If your blind date is described to you
As an “Adventurer” then it depends
But it’s probably worse than it sounds
And they’ll have sex with all your friends

WE HAVE LOVED EGGS # 2

We have loved eggs
Since we were children
Hen Fruits my dad
Used to call them

POPPY DOUBTED HER HUSBAND’S FIDELITY # 2

Poppy doubted her husband’s fidelity
And confronted him about it in vain
He flat out denied having fooled around
But added it would never happen again

WHAT DO PENSIONERS?

What do pensioners?
Consider long lunches to be?
Perfectly normal I think
At least as far as I can see

AT ONE HUNDRED YEARS OF AGE SHE WAS ASKED

At one hundred years of age she was asked
At her age what thing gave her the most pleasure?
She thought for a moment before she replied
The most satisfying thing was “No peer pressure”

WHY DO YOU LOOK BEMUSED?

Why do you look bemused?
It’s just our point of view
But sometimes we are not
Thinking about you

PLEASE DON’T GET ME WRONG

Please don’t get me wrong
It’s not that I’m a prude
And under the right circumstances
I quite like being rude
But at the end of the day
I just find Keith Lemon crude
MY WIFE WENT TO THE BEAUTY PARLOUR

My wife went to the beauty parlour
And had a mudpack applied
Which improved her appearance
Until it fell off and she cried

THE JURY FOREMAN CLEARLY ANNOUNCED

The jury foreman clearly announced
To the court "Not guilty of robbery"
The defendant asked his solicitor
"Does that mean I can keep the money?"

SUPERMARKET BLUES # 1

You know it really gets me down
As you wait patiently in the queue
And some numpty shopper behind
Runs his trolley into the back of you

A Little Bit Of Humour # 79

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 353

Bobby Shafto's gone to sea
Sailing away consume with glee
To escape the Child Support Agency

ARE YOU WEARING A CONFUSED EXPRESSION?

Are you wearing a confused expression?
Why is it beyond you comprehension?
That “Yes” and “No” are quite acceptable
Answers to almost every question

IF YOUR BLIND DATE IS DESCRIBED TO YOU # 1

If your blind date is described to you
As “Thoughtful” it’s not the best start
As their thoughtfulness will only extend
To saying "Excuse me" when they fart

WE HAVE LOVED EGGS # 1

We have loved eggs
Since we were children
Boneless chickens
My dad used to call them

POPPY DOUBTED HER HUSBAND’S FIDELITY # 1

Poppy doubted her husband’s fidelity
And always subjected him to a quiz
Afterwards she was left wondering
If the baby she was carrying was his

WHY CAN'T ORPHANS PLAY BASEBALL?

Why can't orphans play baseball?
At the Hubert H. Humphrey Metrodome?
Well they say it’s nothing personal
It’s just that they can't find home

APPLE ARE GOING TO MAKE A CAR

Apple are going to make a car
But the one thing nobody knows
Is whether or not the iCar
Is going to have Windows

HAVING SEX IN AN ELEVATOR?

Having sex in an elevator?
Those dirty little devils
That kind of behaviour
Is wrong on so many levels

NEW BABIES ARE DELIVERED BY STORK?

New babies are delivered by stork?
Not that old chestnut again
Small babies may arrive by stork
But the big ones need a crane

WHEN YOU WALK INTO THE BATHROOM

When you walk into the bathroom
You’re American
When you walk out of the bathroom
You’re American
But while you are in the bathroom
European

ARE YOU WEARING A SWEATER VEST?

Are you wearing a sweater vest?
Are you doing some kind of test?
Checking how observant people are
And see who notices this faux pas

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 341

Ding, dong, bell,
Pussy’s in the well.
Who put it in?
I did, because
It’s the neighbourhood bully