A Little Bit Of Humour # 8

OUT OF THIS WORLD PRODUCE

My supermarkets veg is the best
Normally for quality you can’t beat it
But I bought some rocket salad
That went off before I could eat it

TRANSFUSION CONFUSION

Scientists have completed a study
And transfusions of Chicken blood
Are more beneficial medically

The positive side effects are that
It tends to make the men cocky
And women lay more regularly

ASK A STUPID QUESTION # 2

I walked past a homeless man
As I went into Co-op express
On my way out he said “Any Change?”
I replied “No, you're still homeless”

THE GIFT THAT JUST KEEPS GIVING

Doctors have found a type of food
Which leaves an ache
And causes grief and suffering
Years after we partake
It has now been identified
As wedding cake

EMOTIONAL WEDDING

I was with my wife,
At a family wedding do
And I said unsolicited
“I really love you"
“Is that the beer talking?”
She said “or you dear?”
I replied: “It was me
Talking to the beer”

NEW ABODE

At the weekend a friend of mine
Moved into a new house
And not wanting to visit
Empty handed I used a bit of nouse
And bought her a gift
I knew that she couldn’t resent
A couple of small radiators
As a little house warming present

LIFE IS TOO SHORT

Life is too short to wake up
In the morning with regret,
So I think not waking up until
After lunch is the safest bet

THE ONLY DIFFERENCE

The only difference between
A guard dog and mummy
Is that the guard dog will
Let go of you eventually

KEYBOARDS

In the 1970’s I was big into
Keyboards and synthesizers
I like Wakeman, and Emerson
In fact I was a moog sympathizer

HAVE YOU EVER HAD?

Have you ever had?
The kind of day
That almost drove you insane

When you wish
You’d done it differently
But your wishing is in vain

If only we could press
“Ctrl Alt Delete”
And start the day again

ROUGED CHEEKS

Rouged cheeks
And blood red lips
Varnished nails
And tattooed flesh
Dyed sculptured hair
And black shadowed brow
Who are you?
All pierced and painted
And what have you done
With my lovely daughter?

MOTHER’S DAY

Don’t forget mum on Mother’s Day
A bottle of something I think
And just remember that it is you
That drives her to drink

MERSEYSIDE POLICE SEALED THE CITY CENTRE

Merseyside Police sealed the City Centre
As they didn’t want to take a risk
As a suspicious object was seen in a car
It turned out later to be a tax disk

ARE YOU WEARING A LOOK OF CONTEMPT?

Are you wearing a look of contempt?
After my ham fisted clumsy attempt
Clearly I can indeed see that you are
After failing to unhook that bloody bra

GIFTED AMATEURS

If someone says they’re an Amateur
There’s really no need to panic
Because Amateurs built the Ark
While Professionals built the Titanic