ARE YOU WEARING CAMI-KNICKERS?
Are you wearing Cami-knickers?
Well might I ask the reason why?
Now they’re deliciously sexy things
Though not really appropriate on a guy
I HAVE FOUND AT MY AGE
I have found at my age
When the day is dawning
The easiest thing in the world
Is to roll out of bed in the morning
Getting up off the floor however
Really leaves me yarning
WHATEVER LIFE THROWS AT YOU
Whatever life throws at you
The thing you must do
To be at your very best
Is bat it back with interest
Or if you are out of luck
Your best bet is to duck
You are safe that way
If you duck out of the way
When there is no way to stop it
Then someone else will cop it
PHILOSOPHICAL DRINKER
It doesn’t matter if the glass
Is half full or half empty
Either is fine
It just means that there is
More than enough room
To add more wine
PERSONAL HYGIENE
The instructions
On my new stick deodorant read
Remove cap
And push up bottom. It said
I complied with the instructions
And it made my eyes water
I had difficulty walking
I had to grip my buttocks taughter
But when I had to fart
I did so quite softly
And noticed at once
That the room smelt lovely
PRIORITISING
Players perform elaborate routines
When goals are scored by my team
They must practise them for days
But I would prefer in many ways
That the celebration performers
Would practise defending corners
WE HAD A TRIVIA QUIZ
We had a Trivia quiz at the pub last night
And I got most of the questions right
But the final question was a mare
“Where do women have the curliest hair?”
I thought “this is an easy one for me”
The correct answer was actually Fiji
BABY CARE UNIT
I just heard about an incident
That is reportedly true
Concerning a hospital
That has caused a to do
About the baby’s face
Somebody taped a dummy to
Well I have kids myself
And I would, wouldn’t you?
SENIOR BUFFER
I went into PC World
With a print error
And their solution
Filled me with terror
The spotty youth
On his help desk stint
Said I had to
Control P to print
I ORDERED THE TARKA DAL
I ordered the Tarka Dal
It was like lentil soup only hotter
I was a bit disappointed
As I was expecting curried otter
ARE YOU WEARING A STRAPLESS BRA?
Are you wearing a strapless bra?
With tits the size of yours
You’d have done better
Tucking then into your drawers
PATIENTS RIGHTS
A patient asked “nurse, why did you stop
My visitors coming to see me?”
She replied “you know perfectly well why,
You broke the rules Mr Ellery”
“But listen here I know my rights” he persisted
“I’m allowed to have three”
“You are allowed friends and family not
Prostitutes and takeaway deliveries
A FRUITFUL RELATIONSHIP
When I first dated my wife
Long ago in another life
I would get aroused watching her
Eating a banana
Now, thirty years later
It’s quite a different matter
I only get exited watching her
If she chokes on the banana
BIRTHDAY TREAT
When your wife asks,
Which of her friends,
You would choose from,
To attend
Your birthday treat
And participate
In a threesome,
You shouldn’t hesitate
But a word of caution
When she asks you
Just give her the one name
And not two
DOMESTIC TIP
How do you turn on the dishwasher?
My friend asked me
I replied that in my house
Blowing in her ear was the key
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