A Little Bit Of Humour # 6

ARE YOU WEARING A STICK ON TATTOO?

Are you wearing a stick on tattoo?
Is that really the best you could do?
What? You were too scared to get proper ink?
What will the rest of the chapter think?

ASK A STUPID QUESTION # 1

As I came out of the chippy
With two steak and kidney pies
Large chips and mushy peas,
An old wino, with sad eyes
Said “I haven’t eaten for two days”
Pausing I looked to the skies
Then I replied “I wish that I
Had will power like you guys”

KFC FAT CONTENT

An obese girl served me today
When I went in to KFC
She said “sorry about the wait.”
All smiley and friendly
I replied “don't worry dear,
You might lose it eventually”

WOMEN ARE NOT MOODY

Women are not moody
Not a bit of it
Its just they have days
When, lets face it
They are not prepared
To put up with the shit

COQ AU VAN

I tried cooking with wine last night
But it didn’t go very well therein
After five generous glasses
I forgot why I was in the kitchen

OK STEVE

He said “it’s Stephen with a PH”
Which I thought pedantic
But he wasn’t a fussy git at all
He was just very acidic

THE FIRE OFFICER’S INSPECTION

The fire officer did his inspection today
And he asked me “In the event of a fire,
Tell me what steps would you take?"
I replied "Bloody big ones" squire

I AM BLESSED WITH FRIENDS

I am blessed with friends
Some of them are fruity
Some are soaked in alcohol
Some of them are nutty
Some are sweet
Some add spice
Some add zest
Some smell nice
An abundance of riches
My friend’s numbers are Rife
And when mixed together
They are the fruit cake of life

BLEAK FORECAST

There was Snow in the forecast!
And the TV weather girl said
“I’m expecting 8 inches tonight”
I thought to myself, “what a big head”
And anyway with a face like that
She’d need her vibrator Instead

ARE YOU WEARING A LACE UP CORSET?

Are you wearing a lace up corset?
All whale bone and string
Oh Wow it looks really sexy
But how do I get into the thing?

KEY PLAN

I am always loosing my keys
So I have devised a plan
My husband is horrified
As the car might be stolen

But to my way of thinking
It’s the perfect solution
After all what could be simpler
Than leaving them in the ignition

GETTING INTO FLORA

"I want to buy flowers for my girlfriend"
John said to the Florist
"Of course Sir, what is it you're after?"
The florist asks to assist
After a moment John replied
"Well, a shag would be top of my list"

SPICE GIRL

It was the plan of my wife
To spice up our love life
This involved her dressing up
To encourage me to tup
Now I have to say I didn’t mind
Watching her bump and grind
But as she played her sexy role
She didn’t dance around a pole
Nor gyrate upon my lap
To encourage my old chap
But even with all the gyrating
My libido was still hesitating
In fact there wasn’t a glimmer
As she danced around her Zimmer

WIDOWERS RECOMPENSE

I am now a lonely widower
And all my buddies are dead
But there are compensations
That must definitely be said

There’s life in the old dog yet
That’s all I have to say,
As I go to the retirement home
For my fifty shades of grey

DEFROSTING THE FRIDGE

I spent two hours defrosting
The fridge yesterday
Although my darling wife
Prefers to call it foreplay