A Little Bit Of Humour # 2

ARE YOU WEARING CELLULITE CREAM?

Are you wearing cellulite cream?
And is that workin’ for yer?
I only ask as it looks like
You’re covered in tapioca

FOOD GROUPS

There are six food groups
When it comes to my kitchen
Canned, Boxed and Bagged
Jarred, Bottled and Frozen

SCOTTISH INDEPENDENCE # 2

As a proud Briton
I will be disappointed
In a strange way

Not if Scotland leaves
But more so
That Wales will stay

CHARITABLE BEQUEST REQUESTS # 1

The Red Cross are getting greedy
Not happy to just milk me in life
They want me to will them a percentage
Of what should go to my wife

A MAN IN A HOT AIR BALLOON # 1

A Man in a hot air balloon
Has lost his bearings
As he slowly floated by

He looks down below
And shouts to a man
“Hello, Where am I”?

“Are you completely mad?”
The man shouted back
“You’re floating in the sky”

THE DEPENDABLE FIG ROLL

The dependable Fig Roll
Or Fig Newton if you must
As one of your five a day
It’s an absolute must

THE HEDGEHOG CULL

The campaigners have won
The Hedgehog cull won’t be done
They argued it shouldn’t go ahead
It was just wrong they said
Saying they were un putdown-able
I think they are just un pickup-able

THE LIFE OF PIE

Off they go to the bakers
For a pie of pork and pickle
Trundling along the road
Riding on their obesecycle

A BITTER PILL

Realisation of my folly comes
As I lay abed at first light
I took a sleeping pill and
A laxative on the same night

ON THEIR OBESECYCLE

On their obesecycle
They have to scurry
Not that the obese
Are able to hurry

They can still walk
Though they don’t bovver
And they are so fat
That they appear to hover

DON’T KEEP THINGS BOTTLED UP

Don’t keep things bottled up
If life is getting you down
Pour yourself a large one
And drink away your frown

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 285

My little old man and I fell out
I'll tell you what it was all about
What agitated the lazy lout
And caused him to shout
Making me and him fall out
Was that I had money and he had nowt

ARE YOU WEARING A RED CHAPEAU?

Are you wearing a red chapeau?
It’s a very daring choice of yours
Because wearing a red chapeau
They’ll say red hat and no drawers

I'VE JUST HEARD THE WINDOW CLEANER

I've just heard the window cleaner
He was really making tongues wag
Cursing, shouting and swearing
I think he’d clearly lost his rag

I CAN’T BELIEVE THE SIZE OF MY WATER BILL

I can’t believe the size of my water bill
It’s really getting me down
According to Oxfam for £3 a month
I can supply a whole town