A Little Bit Of Humour # 4

ARE YOU WEARING A POLICEMAN’S HAT?

Are you wearing a policeman’s hat?
And you don’t get fed up with that
When they ask about your bobby’s hat
“Does your head reach the top of that?”

CHARITABLE BEQUESTS REQUESTS # 2

Not happy just to pester me in life
The Red Cross want me instead
To change my last will and testament
To take my money when I’m dead

A MAN IN A HOT AIR BALLOON # 2

A Man in a hot air balloon
Has lost his bearings
As he slowly floated by

He looks down below
And shouts to a man
“Hello, Where am I”?

“Well you tell me mate”
The man shouted back
“You have a better view than I”

GOURMET PARSNIP CRISPS

Gourmet Parsnip crisps
I found out today
Can easily be included
As one of your five a day

SELF MEDICATION

To counteract the signs of aging
I have an alternative to the
Cosmetic treatment hustle

I just drink plenty of wine
It’s much cheaper than Botox
And paralyses more muscles

VERY RED CROSS

I supported the Red Cross
For many Years
But their hard sell tactics
Brought me to tears

Not content with
My monthly subscription
They bombarded me with requests
Of every description

First they told of troubles
In foreign lands
I said “I can’t pay more
Than what I had planned”

So they thought a change of tack
Will open my wallet
And told me what they did
In Nether Wallop

Emails and letters
Calling with the hard sell
Well I’ve had enough
They can go to hell

MEETING TIME

I have found in meetings
Where minutes are taken
Hours are wasted
Unless I am mistaken

THE LEADER TOUCHED A BUOY

The leader touched a buoy
During the course of race,
When he got to the shore
His mother slapped his face

ALCOHOL IS NOT THE ANSWER

Alcohol is not the answer
That’s my suggestion
It does help however
To make you forget the question

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 287

There was a crow sat on a stone
And there he sat and ate his scone
When it was gone, when there was none
He sat and ate his Chelsea bun
MY GIRL IS TEACHING ME A LANGUAGE

My girl is teaching me a language
Natalia is from Russia you see
But it is not going very well at all
She tried with simple things for me
Asking the Russian word for napkin
Soviette is not the answer apparently

LOST LUGGAGE

It was a dreadful flight
And it was late as well
Then I couldn't find my case
On the baggage carousel
So I went to “lost luggage”
To report the loss of it
The woman looked the part
But I didn’t trust her a bit
She said she would apply
Her professional hand
Then she said “now tell me
“When does your plane land?”

I DO MENTAL ARITHMETIC

I do mental arithmetic
When I’m lying in my bed
I like to count the voices
I hear inside my head

THIS TALK OF CULLING BADGERS

This talk of culling badgers
Is completely unsound
If we keep discussing it
We’ll drive them underground

ARE YOU WEARING A PUZZLED EXPRESSION?

Are you wearing a puzzled expression?
You must really think I have some gall
But if it wasn’t for pickpockets like me
You'd have no hint of a sex life at all