A Little Bit Of Humour # 5

WHEN MY GRAN GOT OUT OF BED # 3

When my Gran got out of bed
After bedding one of her chaps
She felt pains down below
Coz she was standing on her flaps

MY PHILOSOPHY ON LIFE IS THIS

My philosophy on life is this
Whatever life throws at me
Without thinking I pick it up
And throw it back instantly

A PERFECT GIFT

I just bought my wife a new fridge
I’ve just been online and paid for it
I’m so excited I can’t wait to see
Her face light up when she opens it

NICE ONE JAMIE

My children can never forgive
That interfering Jamie Oliver
For bring about the early demise
Of their favourite Turkey Twizzler

LOST PROPERTY

I left two bottles of Whisky
On the train to Prestatyn
I thought them gone for ever
Until a nice man called Glynn
Of the lost property office
Telephoned me from Prestatyn
To say the man who found them
Had just been handed in

CHARITY PLEADERS # 2

Just 3 pounds a month
From me and you
Will help to pay the lease
On their luxury HQ

I HAVE MY FIVE A DAY

I have my five a day
Every day of the week
Here is today’s list
Just you have a peek
Two Fig Newton’s and
A banana milk shake
One chocolate orange
And a carrot cake

DEPRESSED DRINKER

I used to have a coping strategy
For when things got grim
I would try to drown my sorrows
But the bastards learned how to swim

SITTING ON THE BACK ROW

Sitting on the back row
When the cinema’s dark inside
With your left handed girl
Try to keep on her right side

HOUSE CALL

“How long have you been bedridden?”
The visiting doctor asked
The patient replied “well certainly not
Since my husband passed”

A LOVING ATMOSPHERE

A loving atmosphere, at home,
Is such an important thing
A tranquil harmonious home
Is vital to your well being
Do all you can to create one
By not having offspring

MY DOCTOR SAYS

My doctor says
I have been in continent,
But I don't know

I can’t remember
But if the doctor is right
Then where did I go?

CAN I BUY A GOLDFISH?

I went in to a pet shop and said,
“Can I buy a goldfish?”
The girl said, “certainly sir
If that’s what you wish,
Do you want an aquarium?”
She asked putting me in a tiz
Finally I replied “Well actually
I don't care what star sign it is”

ARE YOU WEARING A PUSH UP BRA?

Are you wearing a push up bra?
Well I think you’ve pushed them up too far
I’m not sure where they should begin
But they shouldn’t be under your chin

I'VE JUST HAD A LETTER FROM A SOLICITOR

I've just had a letter from a solicitor
To “once and for all” inform me
That contrary to what I might believe
Screwfix are not a dating agency