A Little Bit Of Humour # 3

ARE YOU WEARING LACE GARTERS?

Are you wearing lace garters?
Answer me that one for starters
Beneath your dress up high
Around your black clad thigh
Where the black sheath is stopping
Where they are lacy at the topping
Are there lacy garter rings
Sexily placed decorative things
Please answer this one for starters
Are you wearing lacy garters?

I DO DRINK COFFEE

I do drink Coffee
But it’s not a favourite of mine
It doesn’t fill me with cheer

It just fills in the time
Until it’s socially acceptable
To start drinking beer

WHEN MY GRAN GOT OUT OF BED # 2

When my Gran got out of bed
After one too many tipples
She didn’t even notice that she
Was standing on her nipples

SOME PEOPLE COME INTO OUR LIVES

Some people come into our lives
And leave footprints on our hearts
Others tread softly leaving no traces

But then there are the ones
On who you want to leave boot prints
All over their stupid faces

TAP IT, UNWRAP IT

The Chocolate Orange
I have so far concluded
As one of your five a day
It may definitely be included

IF MY GIRLFRIEND IS WEARING TIGHTS

When my girlfriend
Is wearing tights
And she over does it
Eating Turkish delight

Her mouth stuffed full
She starts to cough
Involuntarily farts
And blows her slippers off

THE OLD BANGER

The old banger
Wouldn’t start this morning
It wasn’t too long after
The day was dawning
I just kept trying
Over and over
But I couldn’t
Get her to turn over
Until eventually
With a cough and a fart
I managed to get
The old thing to start
Though not working
On full power
She got out of bed
And went in the shower

A SCANDAL HAS BROKEN

A scandal has broken
Of the very worst kind
It’s totally unforgivable
To my way of mind
That fraud Pudsey Bear
Isn’t really blind

FAREWELL TO YOUTH

I’m getting old
My youth has been relinquished
I’m told my grey hair
Makes me look distinguished
The sad truth is
My ego has been extinguished

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 286

Nelly Bligh
Caught a fly
And tied it to some thread
With some delight
She tied it tight
But then the fly was dead

ARE YOU WEARING WINKLE PICKERS?

Are you wearing winkle pickers?
And you don’t mind the snickers?
And when they ask it doesn’t offend?
“Do your toes go right to the end?”

THERE’S AN ARMY SURPLUS STORE ACROSS THE STREET

There’s an Army surplus store across the street
That only sells camouflage gear as far as I can see
I don’t know how well the business is doing
But it seems a bit of a niche market to me
And I watched loads of people go in the shop
But coming out I could only count about three

SON OF THE SOIL

I found the top soil two inches deeper
When I went to my allotment on Monday
I found the top soil two inches deeper
When I went to the allotment on Tuesday
The next day as I approached my plot
My poor old heart beat quickens
So when the top soil was two inches deeper
I could only say “The plot thickens”

TRANSFER SURPRISE

I was surprised Mario Balotelli left City
Though it was surrounded in farce
I would have thought it more likely
That he’d disappear up his own arse

I'LL TAKE THE RED ONE

Bimbette asked in a sex shop
“I want to buy a new vibrator”
The assistant said “just choose
From that display by the door
"I'll take the red one" She said
To the man behind the counter
He replied with a deep sigh
"That's a fire extinguisher"