A Little Bit Of Humour # 1

ARE YOU WEARING A CHAPEAU?

Are you wearing a chapeau?
That’s the French for hat you know?
Well you look quite sweet I must say
Though I’m not a huge fan of the beret
And the rather limp looking overcoat
It isn’t really what you’d call haute
But I need to find a condom dispenser
Because I have a thing for Frank Spencer

UNDERNEATH THE SPREADING CHESTNUT TREE

Two old retired generals
In the autumn of their years
One was a French Hussar
The other of the Grenadiers

One spoke of conquering Spain
The other one of India
One of conquering the hun
The Frenchman of Canada

The two men argued for hours
People thought them bonkers
But it was quite innocent
They were just playing conquers

SWINGERS

Two couples decided to swing
And swapped partners to play
“That was the best sex ever”
Hugo said afterwards to Ray
His friend agreed and added
“I wonder if the girls are ok”

I NEED GLASSES

I need glasses
So it would appear
But the glasses I need
Let me be clear
Are glasses of wine
And glasses of beer

WHEN MY GRAN GOT OUT OF BED # 1

When my Gran got out of bed
And suddenly felt chest pain
She knew that she had only
Stood on her nipples again

CHARITY PLEADERS # 1

Just 3 pounds a month
Will help them meet their quota
So the fund raisers can drive
Their 30 grand motor

DON’T THROW IN THE TOWEL

Don’t throw in the towel
When times get tough
Because no matter how bad
No matter how rough
It doesn’t really help
Because you see
Throwing in the towel
Just makes more laundry

THE CARROT CAKE

The Carrot cake
I have to say
You can include
As one of your five a day

SHEEPISH CONVERSE

A sheep bleats in the twilight
As day drifts into night
So I responded in like wise
Much to my wife’s surprise
“Why on earth did you just bleat?
You’re not a bloody sheep”
I replied, “I am not of the country
So it simply occurred to me
That in my humble view
It was the polite thing to do”

LOW EXPECTATIONS

I find that in my life
Low expectations are advised
Because I am rarely disappointed
And often quite surprised

MEMORY MAN

I remember the words
To every number one
Since 1968
Every single one
But for some reason,
Not that anyone cares,
I can’t remember why
I walked up the stairs

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 284

I'll tell you a story
About an affluent Tory
Who waxed on the big society

I'll tell you another
About Ed and his brother
Who questioned his propriety

WHEN I TOLD MUM

When I told mum
I had opened a theatre
I got a rather strange
Reaction from her
“Are you having me on?”
She said to me
I said “you'll have to audition
And then we’ll see”

SCOTTISH INDEPENDENCE # 1

As a proud Briton
I will be disappointed
If Scotland choose to go

As an Englishman
I’ll be disappointed
If they vote no

ARE YOU WEARING BLACK NAIL VARNISH?

Are you wearing black nail varnish?
Well it’s just a bit of a macabre garnish
And its going to stand out is all I will say
When dressed in white on your wedding day