CALLOUS UNITED – BLANCHFLOWER AND BERRY
Manchester United’s
Callous attitude
So cold and harsh
Towards the survivors
Beggared belief
And was never more
Keenly felt than when,
They could no longer play
Jackie Blanchflower
And fellow survivor Berry
Were forced to vacate
The homes they lived in
THE BUSBY BABES - THE HOLLYWOOD OF BRITISH FOOTBALL
Bright lights
Shining like stars
In the twinkling
Football firmament
Sparkling lights
From gritty towns
In the shadow of the
Dark satanic mills
Shining out from
Industrial heartlands
Like beacons
Bright lights of youth
Illuminating the lives
Of the terraced fans
Young men from the dark
Industrial landscapes
Youth’s bright flames
Snuffed out
In the snows of Munich
THE HERO OF MUNICH
In the wake of tragedy
Harry Gregg arose
And with no thought
Of himself
Pulled survivors
From the burning plane
Assisted latterly
By Bill Foulkes
Though he thought
His action unremarkable
George Best, said of him
“Bravery is one thing
But what Harry did
Was about more than bravery.
It was about goodness”
CALLOUS UNITED - GREGG AND FOULKES
Manchester United’s
Callous attitude
So cold and harsh
Towards the survivors
Beggared belief
And was never more
Keenly felt than when,
Only days after
The Munich Disaster
Gregg and Foulkes,
Though traumatised
And grieving and feeling
The guilt of the survivor
Were forced to play
Afterwards Harry Gregg
And Bill Foulkes
Forced to play too soon
With the guilt of the survivor
Sat in the dressing room
Staring with empty eyes
A MARK OF RESPECT – ARE YOU LISTENING LEEDS UTD
In the aftermath of Munich
All of football felt the loss
In an altogether more
Caring and respectful time
When fans of all teams
Out of respect, wore black
And stadia were universally quiet
IN TRAGEDIES WAKE – MUNICH 1958
At Old Trafford
In tragedies wake
In the eerie quiet
The terraces echoed
The mournful silence
And even the empty
Seats shed tears
For The busby babes
JOHN "JACKIE" BLANCHFLOWER (7 MARCH 1933 – 2 SEPTEMBER 1998)
Nicknamed "Twiggy"
John "Jackie" Blanchflower
Survived the wreckage
Amidst the snows of Munich
Though the crash didn’t end his life
It did bring his footballing career
To an untimely end
GO NOW BILL
WILLIAM ANTHONY "BILL" FOULKES - (5 JANUARY 1932 – 25 NOVEMBER 2013)
Go now Bill
Lay down the captain’s armband
You’ve earned your rest
Our tower of strength
Straight backed
Rugged and dependable
Take your place
Among your equals
And be at peace
Your strong facade
Oft betrayed
By sadness in your eyes
The sadness of survival
So go now Bill
And join the babes
You’ve missed so much
And take your place
Among immortals
JOHN JAMES "JOHNNY" BERRY (1 JUNE 1926 – 16 SEPTEMBER 1994)
The Forgotten Babe
John James "Johnny" Berry
Survived the wreckage
Amidst the snows of Munich
Though the crash didn’t end his life
He never played again
Tuesday, 3 December 2013
Tales of Love # 11
YOUR EMBRACE IS LIKE A VELVET CLOAK
Your embrace is like a velvet cloak
Enveloping me in love
As you speak to my soul
And burn into my heart a perfect love
YOUR SERPENT HIPS
Your serpent hips
And slender limbs
The glow and lustre
On your skin
In the half light
Of the afterglow
Beyond the bliss
And read the smile
On each other’s lips
SNOWFLAKES FALL STEADILY
Snowflakes fall steadily
As the wind blows
Laying deeper and deeper
As her progress slows
Knee deep she trudged
Through the deep snows
So I go and rescue her
From out of the snows
To get her safe indoors
Out of the snows
Though not for kindness
Heaven only knows
It was to get her out
Of her ho ho hose
SHE’S TICKING ALL THE BOXES
“She’s ticking all the boxes”
I thought to myself
When I first laid eyes on her
But of course she wasn’t perfect
That would have been a claim too far
Then when we spoke, at length
More boxes were checked
But again she fell short of the summit
But then who wants perfection
Which is in reality subjective
I have met girls in my life
Slightly more than ordinary
But thought themselves perfect
And others nearly perfect
And thought themselves ordinary
This girl was as close to it
As I had ever come
Or wanted to come
For if she was to be flawless
That would be unnatural
As well as undesirable
For it’s in the imperfections
Where character lies
LIKE DRIFTWOOD YOU FLOATED INTO MY LIFE
Like driftwood you floated into my life
As I cruised upon a calm blue sea
Your presence stirred the peaceful waters
And turned my outlook squally
But though we blow from storm to storm
I still believe you rescued me
IF YOU WERE AN ISLAND
If you were an island
Set in a clear blue sea
Dressed with palm trees
Stirred by the scented breeze
With sun soaked beaches
Of coral white
I would be the gentle waves
Washing over them
TWO CASTAWAYS
Two castaways
Washed up together
Like flotsam and jetsam
The floating wreckage
Of their failed loves
And from the driftwood
Of their own detritus
And broken remnants
Of previous vessels
They manage to build
A new ship of love
I WAS READY, WITHOUT A DOUBT
I was ready, without a doubt
Ready for the one
I was set on the start line
Heart beating at the run
Then bang!
Went loves starting gun
Your embrace is like a velvet cloak
Enveloping me in love
As you speak to my soul
And burn into my heart a perfect love
YOUR SERPENT HIPS
Your serpent hips
And slender limbs
The glow and lustre
On your skin
In the half light
Of the afterglow
Beyond the bliss
And read the smile
On each other’s lips
SNOWFLAKES FALL STEADILY
Snowflakes fall steadily
As the wind blows
Laying deeper and deeper
As her progress slows
Knee deep she trudged
Through the deep snows
So I go and rescue her
From out of the snows
To get her safe indoors
Out of the snows
Though not for kindness
Heaven only knows
It was to get her out
Of her ho ho hose
SHE’S TICKING ALL THE BOXES
“She’s ticking all the boxes”
I thought to myself
When I first laid eyes on her
But of course she wasn’t perfect
That would have been a claim too far
Then when we spoke, at length
More boxes were checked
But again she fell short of the summit
But then who wants perfection
Which is in reality subjective
I have met girls in my life
Slightly more than ordinary
But thought themselves perfect
And others nearly perfect
And thought themselves ordinary
This girl was as close to it
As I had ever come
Or wanted to come
For if she was to be flawless
That would be unnatural
As well as undesirable
For it’s in the imperfections
Where character lies
LIKE DRIFTWOOD YOU FLOATED INTO MY LIFE
Like driftwood you floated into my life
As I cruised upon a calm blue sea
Your presence stirred the peaceful waters
And turned my outlook squally
But though we blow from storm to storm
I still believe you rescued me
IF YOU WERE AN ISLAND
If you were an island
Set in a clear blue sea
Dressed with palm trees
Stirred by the scented breeze
With sun soaked beaches
Of coral white
I would be the gentle waves
Washing over them
TWO CASTAWAYS
Two castaways
Washed up together
Like flotsam and jetsam
The floating wreckage
Of their failed loves
And from the driftwood
Of their own detritus
And broken remnants
Of previous vessels
They manage to build
A new ship of love
I WAS READY, WITHOUT A DOUBT
I was ready, without a doubt
Ready for the one
I was set on the start line
Heart beating at the run
Then bang!
Went loves starting gun
Christmas 2013 Selection Box # 2
EVERY YEAR WITHOUT FAIL - FROSTY
Every year without fail
On Christmas Eve
It would appear
And we children
Would squeal out
A deafening cheer
When the source
Of our excitement
Was carefully set down
And we would sit
In our clean pajama’s
And dressing gown
And stare at the object
Open mouthed
In gleeful expectation
Of what was beneath
The cotton wool and
Crepe paper creation
We would have to wait
The longest time
In anticipation
But it was worth it
Too see inside the belly
Of Frosty’s incarnation
And when we thought
We could wait no longer
We all jumped to our feet
As Dad slowly removed
The carrot faced head
And revealed the treats
And as Dad gave Frosty
A little shake, out spilled
The Christmas sweets
MY BROTHER WAS FIVE YEARS MY SENIOR
My brother was five years my senior
So he always led me astray
He took me on a hunt every December
Leading up to Christmas day
To find the presents that mum and dad
Had cunningly stashed away
LONG RED SOCKS
Long red socks hanging from the chimney
One sock for you and another sock for me
And this time next year we will hang three
RED SOCKS
Long red socks
And Christmas frocks
A sprig of mistletoe
That’s Christmas ho ho ho
HAND KNITTED GLOVES
Hand knitted gloves
Scarves and hats
Novelty slippers
A book of cricket stats
Soap on a rope
Hankies and socks
These are examples
Of my Christmas box
JOYFULNESS
Joyfulness
On high
Yeshua is born
For all mankind
Unconditional
Love for the world
THE PIPES OF CHRISTMAS PAST
The pipes of Christmas past
Carry with every merry blast
Seasonal joy, when they play
Their tunes of Christmas day
I AM BLESSED WITH FRIENDS AT CHRISTMAS
I am blessed with Friends
Some of them are fruity
Some are soaked in alcohol
Some of them are nutty
Some are sweet
Some add spice
Some add zest
Some smell nice
But when mixed together
And yuletide is upon us
They become without doubt
The fruit cake of Christmas
Every year without fail
On Christmas Eve
It would appear
And we children
Would squeal out
A deafening cheer
When the source
Of our excitement
Was carefully set down
And we would sit
In our clean pajama’s
And dressing gown
And stare at the object
Open mouthed
In gleeful expectation
Of what was beneath
The cotton wool and
Crepe paper creation
We would have to wait
The longest time
In anticipation
But it was worth it
Too see inside the belly
Of Frosty’s incarnation
And when we thought
We could wait no longer
We all jumped to our feet
As Dad slowly removed
The carrot faced head
And revealed the treats
And as Dad gave Frosty
A little shake, out spilled
The Christmas sweets
MY BROTHER WAS FIVE YEARS MY SENIOR
My brother was five years my senior
So he always led me astray
He took me on a hunt every December
Leading up to Christmas day
To find the presents that mum and dad
Had cunningly stashed away
LONG RED SOCKS
Long red socks hanging from the chimney
One sock for you and another sock for me
And this time next year we will hang three
RED SOCKS
Long red socks
And Christmas frocks
A sprig of mistletoe
That’s Christmas ho ho ho
HAND KNITTED GLOVES
Hand knitted gloves
Scarves and hats
Novelty slippers
A book of cricket stats
Soap on a rope
Hankies and socks
These are examples
Of my Christmas box
JOYFULNESS
Joyfulness
On high
Yeshua is born
For all mankind
Unconditional
Love for the world
THE PIPES OF CHRISTMAS PAST
The pipes of Christmas past
Carry with every merry blast
Seasonal joy, when they play
Their tunes of Christmas day
I AM BLESSED WITH FRIENDS AT CHRISTMAS
I am blessed with Friends
Some of them are fruity
Some are soaked in alcohol
Some of them are nutty
Some are sweet
Some add spice
Some add zest
Some smell nice
But when mixed together
And yuletide is upon us
They become without doubt
The fruit cake of Christmas
Christmas 2013 Selection Box # 1
EVERY YEAR WITHOUT FAIL - SANTA
Every year without fail
On Christmas Eve
It would appear
And we children
Would squeal out
A deafening cheer
When the source
Of our excitement
Was carefully set down
And we would sit
In our clean pajama’s
And dressing gown
And stare at the object
Open mouthed
In gleeful expectation
Of what was beneath
The cotton wool and
Red crepe paper creation
We would have to wait
The longest time
In anticipation
But it was worth it
Too see inside the belly
Of Santa’s incarnation
And when we thought
We could wait no longer
We all jumped to our feet
As Dad slowly removed
The pink faced head
And revealed the treats
And as Dad gave Santa
A little shake, out spilled
The Christmas sweets
A SNOWMANS TALE
When I was very little
My dad and his brother
Built a huge snowman
Bigger than any other
He was as tall as Dad
And was round and fat
It had coal for eyes
And a big black hat
A scarf about its neck
For sartorial style
A large carrot nose
And a twig for a smile
Knobbly stick arms
With gloves at the end
A belt around its girth
Like a cummerbund
I loved that snowman
Standing so very tall
Until the eventual thaw
And I watched him fall
CHRISTMAS
Christ the lord
Holy birth in Bethlehem
Regal child in David’s city
Infant of God
Sent from heaven above
To die for us
Messiah in a manger
Angelic miracle
Saviour of man
WALNUTS IN WINTER
Walnuts in winter
Along with filberts, almonds
And fleshy Brazils
YOUNG LOVERS CUDDLE
Young lovers cuddle
Listening to carols sung
While the Yule log burns
THE PIPES OF CHRISTMAS PAST BLOW OUT
The pipes of Christmas past blow out
The melodies of yesteryear
With memories to warm the heart
And bring a sentimental tear
OH SANTA CLAUS THE BELLS THE BELLS ARE CALLING
Oh Santa Claus the bells the bells are calling
From town to town, where goodwill doth abide
The summers gone, the autumn leaves have fallen
We’re near, we’re near another Christmas tide
So come ye back to us on Christmas Evening
when all the land is hushed and white with snow
And we will leave your milk and cookies
Oh Santa Claus, you know we love you so
ARE YOU WEARING RED SHOES?
Are you wearing red shoes?
And very festive they are to
And just the thing for a Christmas do
Every year without fail
On Christmas Eve
It would appear
And we children
Would squeal out
A deafening cheer
When the source
Of our excitement
Was carefully set down
And we would sit
In our clean pajama’s
And dressing gown
And stare at the object
Open mouthed
In gleeful expectation
Of what was beneath
The cotton wool and
Red crepe paper creation
We would have to wait
The longest time
In anticipation
But it was worth it
Too see inside the belly
Of Santa’s incarnation
And when we thought
We could wait no longer
We all jumped to our feet
As Dad slowly removed
The pink faced head
And revealed the treats
And as Dad gave Santa
A little shake, out spilled
The Christmas sweets
A SNOWMANS TALE
When I was very little
My dad and his brother
Built a huge snowman
Bigger than any other
He was as tall as Dad
And was round and fat
It had coal for eyes
And a big black hat
A scarf about its neck
For sartorial style
A large carrot nose
And a twig for a smile
Knobbly stick arms
With gloves at the end
A belt around its girth
Like a cummerbund
I loved that snowman
Standing so very tall
Until the eventual thaw
And I watched him fall
CHRISTMAS
Christ the lord
Holy birth in Bethlehem
Regal child in David’s city
Infant of God
Sent from heaven above
To die for us
Messiah in a manger
Angelic miracle
Saviour of man
WALNUTS IN WINTER
Walnuts in winter
Along with filberts, almonds
And fleshy Brazils
YOUNG LOVERS CUDDLE
Young lovers cuddle
Listening to carols sung
While the Yule log burns
THE PIPES OF CHRISTMAS PAST BLOW OUT
The pipes of Christmas past blow out
The melodies of yesteryear
With memories to warm the heart
And bring a sentimental tear
OH SANTA CLAUS THE BELLS THE BELLS ARE CALLING
Oh Santa Claus the bells the bells are calling
From town to town, where goodwill doth abide
The summers gone, the autumn leaves have fallen
We’re near, we’re near another Christmas tide
So come ye back to us on Christmas Evening
when all the land is hushed and white with snow
And we will leave your milk and cookies
Oh Santa Claus, you know we love you so
ARE YOU WEARING RED SHOES?
Are you wearing red shoes?
And very festive they are to
And just the thing for a Christmas do
Christmas Humour Selection Box # 4
I SAW SANTA CLAUS LAST NIGHT
I saw Santa Claus last night
Messing with a ho ho ho
When he was kissing her
Underneath the camel toe
WHEN RUDOLPH ARRIVED
When Rudolph arrived
Cupid was so pleased
It meant the other reindeer
Had someone new to tease
RUBY THE RED NOSED BIMBO
Ruby the red nosed bimbo
Had a very strawberry nose
And if you ever saw her
You would even say it glows
All of the other bimbos
Used to laugh and call her names.
They never let poor Ruby
Join in any bimbo games.
Then one lonely Christmas Eve
Someone came to play:
Ruby with your nose so bright
Let me grab your tits tonight
Then all the fellas loved her
As they shouted out with glee,
Ruby the red-nosed bimbo
You can now go down on me!
CHRISTINGLE MINGLE
It is the season that makes my senses tingle
The time of year when the sleigh bells jingle
And we come together for the Christingle mingle
When the Clauses and the Grinches intermingle
And happy clappy’s and traditionalists comingle
As we celebrate the service of Christingle
HER WASSAIL
She would sing for her supper
And wail for her wassail
To get her turkey dinner
And a pint of Christmas ale
ARE YOU WEARING RED VELVET?
Are you wearing red velvet?
That’s really nice to see
And so fitting for the season
It makes me feel so Christmassy
ARE YOU WEARING GREEN VELVET?
Are you wearing green velvet?
That’s really nice to see
And so fitting for the season
It makes me feel so Christmassy
WHAT DO YOU CALL A BLIND REINDEER?
What do you call a blind reindeer?
During the governments austere stance
“Fit for work and no longer eligible
For any disability allowance”
RED SUIT
Santa Claus wears his famous red suit
As down another Chimney he’ll shoot
But no one knows what’s under there
He likes dressing in Ladies underwear
SANTA CLAUS IS COMING TO TOWN
You better watch out
You better not cry
Better not pout
I'm telling you why
Because Daddy
Has just worked
A 14 hour day
And now has to drive
300 miles of Christmas traffic
To spend another bloody Christmas
At Grandma Browns
House of doom
So he is not in the mood
For any of your shit
WE ALL PLAYED CHARADES
We all played Charades
At the in laws on Boxing Day
My wife’s Uncle Jack
Really went for it I must say
We were really impressed
By his energetic display
It was ten minutes before we knew
His heart had given way
I saw Santa Claus last night
Messing with a ho ho ho
When he was kissing her
Underneath the camel toe
WHEN RUDOLPH ARRIVED
When Rudolph arrived
Cupid was so pleased
It meant the other reindeer
Had someone new to tease
RUBY THE RED NOSED BIMBO
Ruby the red nosed bimbo
Had a very strawberry nose
And if you ever saw her
You would even say it glows
All of the other bimbos
Used to laugh and call her names.
They never let poor Ruby
Join in any bimbo games.
Then one lonely Christmas Eve
Someone came to play:
Ruby with your nose so bright
Let me grab your tits tonight
Then all the fellas loved her
As they shouted out with glee,
Ruby the red-nosed bimbo
You can now go down on me!
CHRISTINGLE MINGLE
It is the season that makes my senses tingle
The time of year when the sleigh bells jingle
And we come together for the Christingle mingle
When the Clauses and the Grinches intermingle
And happy clappy’s and traditionalists comingle
As we celebrate the service of Christingle
HER WASSAIL
She would sing for her supper
And wail for her wassail
To get her turkey dinner
And a pint of Christmas ale
ARE YOU WEARING RED VELVET?
Are you wearing red velvet?
That’s really nice to see
And so fitting for the season
It makes me feel so Christmassy
ARE YOU WEARING GREEN VELVET?
Are you wearing green velvet?
That’s really nice to see
And so fitting for the season
It makes me feel so Christmassy
WHAT DO YOU CALL A BLIND REINDEER?
What do you call a blind reindeer?
During the governments austere stance
“Fit for work and no longer eligible
For any disability allowance”
RED SUIT
Santa Claus wears his famous red suit
As down another Chimney he’ll shoot
But no one knows what’s under there
He likes dressing in Ladies underwear
SANTA CLAUS IS COMING TO TOWN
You better watch out
You better not cry
Better not pout
I'm telling you why
Because Daddy
Has just worked
A 14 hour day
And now has to drive
300 miles of Christmas traffic
To spend another bloody Christmas
At Grandma Browns
House of doom
So he is not in the mood
For any of your shit
WE ALL PLAYED CHARADES
We all played Charades
At the in laws on Boxing Day
My wife’s Uncle Jack
Really went for it I must say
We were really impressed
By his energetic display
It was ten minutes before we knew
His heart had given way
Christmas Humour Selection Box # 3
WHEN SANTA ISN’T WORKING # 2
When Santa isn’t working
With a happy ho ho ho
He likes to ballroom dance
Going quick quick slow
Then he dances backwards
And he goes oh oh oh
WHY DID THE TURKEY CROSS THE ROAD? # 4
Why did the turkey cross the road?
Well contrary to the fable
It was to avoid ending up
On the Christmas table
DO NOT EAT CHRISTMAS DECORATIONS
Do not eat Christmas decorations
They are not nutritious in the slightest
And apart from that very simple fact
You will end up with bad tinsilitis
I ALWAYS COME OUT IN A RASH
I always come out in a rash
It happens every Xmas
I’ve been to see a doctor
And he thinks its Eczemas
I LOVE THE SMELLS OF CHRISTMAS
I love the smells of Christmas
Like Cinnamon and Ginger
Roasted chestnuts piping hot
Gluhwein and Pine needles
So I feel sorry for the snowmen
As they can only smell carrot
A DOG ISN’T JUST FOR CHRISTMAS
A dog isn’t just for Christmas
That’s what they say
And they are correct
Its also nice cold on Boxing Day
TRANSVESTITE CHRISTMAS
Do you think that cross dressers
Find Christmas is merry?
I bet you think they are sad
Well on the contrary
I really love Christmas
As I can eat, drink and be Mary
MY GOOSE WAS COOKED
On Christmas morning
Into the kitchen I snook
And as my wife cooked the Goose
I goosed the cook
RED CHEEKS
Cheeks wear a rosy glow
As they play out in the snow
Making the snowman grow
Until the wind begins to blow
And they look at me and know
It’s time for a mug of cocoa
MERRY, MERRY
The doctor scratches his head
And is almost struck dumb
Why did Santa Claus have
A mince pie stuck up his bum
The only answer was
On a pie he must have sat
So the doctor said
“I’ll give you some cream to put on that”
THEY’RE PUTTING ON ACTIVITIES
They’re putting on activities
For those whose lives need enhancing
Well I’m hard of hearing
And of the activities they are advancing
Budgie jumping, parrot shooting
And hen gliding
Might be worth chancing
But no way am I going to have a go
At the Lion dancing
When Santa isn’t working
With a happy ho ho ho
He likes to ballroom dance
Going quick quick slow
Then he dances backwards
And he goes oh oh oh
WHY DID THE TURKEY CROSS THE ROAD? # 4
Why did the turkey cross the road?
Well contrary to the fable
It was to avoid ending up
On the Christmas table
DO NOT EAT CHRISTMAS DECORATIONS
Do not eat Christmas decorations
They are not nutritious in the slightest
And apart from that very simple fact
You will end up with bad tinsilitis
I ALWAYS COME OUT IN A RASH
I always come out in a rash
It happens every Xmas
I’ve been to see a doctor
And he thinks its Eczemas
I LOVE THE SMELLS OF CHRISTMAS
I love the smells of Christmas
Like Cinnamon and Ginger
Roasted chestnuts piping hot
Gluhwein and Pine needles
So I feel sorry for the snowmen
As they can only smell carrot
A DOG ISN’T JUST FOR CHRISTMAS
A dog isn’t just for Christmas
That’s what they say
And they are correct
Its also nice cold on Boxing Day
TRANSVESTITE CHRISTMAS
Do you think that cross dressers
Find Christmas is merry?
I bet you think they are sad
Well on the contrary
I really love Christmas
As I can eat, drink and be Mary
MY GOOSE WAS COOKED
On Christmas morning
Into the kitchen I snook
And as my wife cooked the Goose
I goosed the cook
RED CHEEKS
Cheeks wear a rosy glow
As they play out in the snow
Making the snowman grow
Until the wind begins to blow
And they look at me and know
It’s time for a mug of cocoa
MERRY, MERRY
The doctor scratches his head
And is almost struck dumb
Why did Santa Claus have
A mince pie stuck up his bum
The only answer was
On a pie he must have sat
So the doctor said
“I’ll give you some cream to put on that”
THEY’RE PUTTING ON ACTIVITIES
They’re putting on activities
For those whose lives need enhancing
Well I’m hard of hearing
And of the activities they are advancing
Budgie jumping, parrot shooting
And hen gliding
Might be worth chancing
But no way am I going to have a go
At the Lion dancing
Christmas Humour Selection Box # 2
CANDY CANES, CINNAMON AND GINGER
Candy Canes,
Cinnamon and Ginger
Are some of my favourite
Christmas things
Especially when
They’re only wearing
Christmas Stockings
And Popcorn Strings
IF YOU PUT CANDY CANES ON THE TREE
If you put Candy canes on the tree
And Popcorn on strings
Then let me give the kind of advice
That experience brings
Don’t pack them away after the
Bell of New Year rings
Otherwise next year they will be
Seriously unsavory things
IN THE CHRISTMAS VILLAGE
In the Christmas village
At the North Pole
There is much excitement
Being kept under control
As there is to be an election
For every Elf and Troll
Votes can of course be cast
At the North Poll
GOOD KING WENCESLAS ORDERED OUT
Good King Wenceslas ordered out
On the feast of Stephen
An eighteen slice with extra cheese
Deep pan, crisp and even
SANTA'S FAVORITE CHRISTMAS SONG
Santa's favorite Christmas song
That he sings repeatedly
Is Santa Claus is coming to town
Sung by Elfish Presley
PICKUP # 6
When you’re on the pull
If you want to break the ice
Say something funny
Or say something nice
Be devastatingly witty
Or say something clever
Be complimentary
Or just lie in your endeavour
“Can I have your picture?”
You ask to establish a premise
“So I can show Santa Claus
What I want for Christmas?”
WHEN SANTA ISN’T WORKING # 1
When Santa isn’t working
With a happy ho ho ho
He likes to tend his garden
With his Hoe Hoe Hoe
WHY DID THE TURKEY CROSS THE ROAD? # 1
Why did the turkey cross the road?
There was a very simple reason
It was due to a lack of options for a Turkey
During the Christmas season
RED VELVET
I think a velvet suit
Especially one red hued
And I must choose my words
So not to appear rude
But it’s not the most slimming
For a rather portly dude
AFTER A LONG FLIGHT ON THE SLEIGH
After a long flight on the sleigh
Listening to Sleigh bells jingle
It wasn’t milk and cookies
That made Santa’s taste buds tingle
It was the thought of Mrs. Claus’s
Freshly made Crisp Cringle
THERE WAS A MEXICAN SHEPHERD
There was a Mexican shepherd
Who once worked for my dad
And every Christmas time
He wished us Fleece Navidad
Candy Canes,
Cinnamon and Ginger
Are some of my favourite
Christmas things
Especially when
They’re only wearing
Christmas Stockings
And Popcorn Strings
IF YOU PUT CANDY CANES ON THE TREE
If you put Candy canes on the tree
And Popcorn on strings
Then let me give the kind of advice
That experience brings
Don’t pack them away after the
Bell of New Year rings
Otherwise next year they will be
Seriously unsavory things
IN THE CHRISTMAS VILLAGE
In the Christmas village
At the North Pole
There is much excitement
Being kept under control
As there is to be an election
For every Elf and Troll
Votes can of course be cast
At the North Poll
GOOD KING WENCESLAS ORDERED OUT
Good King Wenceslas ordered out
On the feast of Stephen
An eighteen slice with extra cheese
Deep pan, crisp and even
SANTA'S FAVORITE CHRISTMAS SONG
Santa's favorite Christmas song
That he sings repeatedly
Is Santa Claus is coming to town
Sung by Elfish Presley
PICKUP # 6
When you’re on the pull
If you want to break the ice
Say something funny
Or say something nice
Be devastatingly witty
Or say something clever
Be complimentary
Or just lie in your endeavour
“Can I have your picture?”
You ask to establish a premise
“So I can show Santa Claus
What I want for Christmas?”
WHEN SANTA ISN’T WORKING # 1
When Santa isn’t working
With a happy ho ho ho
He likes to tend his garden
With his Hoe Hoe Hoe
WHY DID THE TURKEY CROSS THE ROAD? # 1
Why did the turkey cross the road?
There was a very simple reason
It was due to a lack of options for a Turkey
During the Christmas season
RED VELVET
I think a velvet suit
Especially one red hued
And I must choose my words
So not to appear rude
But it’s not the most slimming
For a rather portly dude
AFTER A LONG FLIGHT ON THE SLEIGH
After a long flight on the sleigh
Listening to Sleigh bells jingle
It wasn’t milk and cookies
That made Santa’s taste buds tingle
It was the thought of Mrs. Claus’s
Freshly made Crisp Cringle
THERE WAS A MEXICAN SHEPHERD
There was a Mexican shepherd
Who once worked for my dad
And every Christmas time
He wished us Fleece Navidad
Christmas Humour Selection Box # 1
IF ONLY YOUR LEFT LEG WAS CHRISTMAS
If only your left leg was Christmas
And your right leg was New Year’s Day
Then I could devote all of my time
To visiting you between the holidays
WE HAVE THE SAME CHRISTMAS WINE
We have the same Christmas wine
Every year on Christmas day
“I don't want any Brussels sprouts”
The family all shrilly say
I WENT OUT CHRISTMAS SHOPPING
I went out Christmas shopping
But I didn’t get very far
Before I got caught shoplifting
As I stole an advent calendar
The shopkeeper had me arrested
Because of my larcenous ways
And for stealing an advent calendar
I got twenty five days
CRACKERS, FRUITCAKE AND NUTS
Crackers, fruitcake and nuts
They mean Christmas to me
Although to be honest, they
Could also describe my family
WHEN SANTA RETURNED HOME
When Santa returned home
To have his tea
His wife was there
Waiting apprehensively
“There was a phone call for you”
Said Mrs. C
“It was a little garbled
And made no sense to me
Something about Saville
And Operation Yewtree”
CHRISTMAS DAY JUST AFTER LUNCH
Christmas day just after Lunch
My family, being a fun loving bunch
Engage enthusiastically one and all
In parlour games to enthral
At first the alcohol fuelled the fun
And a good time was had by everyone
However as the day wore on
With all self-control long gone
The games degenerate into farce
As an opponent is knocked on his arse
And the afternoon ends in tears
As it has done across the years
And dad makes his annual decree
“Games are forthwith banned” said he
THE YOUNG ELF EDUCATIONALISTS
The young Elf Educationalists
Have discovered an alarming theme
Those who struggle to learn the Elf-abet
Will in later life suffer low Elf esteem
NOVELTY TREE CHOCOLATES
When we were kids,
Before we went to bed,
My brothers and me
Were allowed a pick
A novelty chocolate
Off the Christmas tree
RED BIKE
One Christmas
I got a big Red Bike
With white mudguards
All new and shiny like
But alas it was gone
Again on Boxing Day
It belonged to the post office
So the police took it away
OLIVE THE 10TH REINDEER
Olive the other reindeer,
Used to laugh and call him names
She never let poor Rudolph
Join in any reindeer games
So he planted drugs in her stall
And got her chucked off the team
SO YOU THINK THAT YOU ARE CLAUSTROPHOBIC
So you think that you are Claustrophobic
Well I doubt that is a phobia of yours
As I should tell you that Claustrophobia
Is definitely not a fear of Santa Claus
If only your left leg was Christmas
And your right leg was New Year’s Day
Then I could devote all of my time
To visiting you between the holidays
WE HAVE THE SAME CHRISTMAS WINE
We have the same Christmas wine
Every year on Christmas day
“I don't want any Brussels sprouts”
The family all shrilly say
I WENT OUT CHRISTMAS SHOPPING
I went out Christmas shopping
But I didn’t get very far
Before I got caught shoplifting
As I stole an advent calendar
The shopkeeper had me arrested
Because of my larcenous ways
And for stealing an advent calendar
I got twenty five days
CRACKERS, FRUITCAKE AND NUTS
Crackers, fruitcake and nuts
They mean Christmas to me
Although to be honest, they
Could also describe my family
WHEN SANTA RETURNED HOME
When Santa returned home
To have his tea
His wife was there
Waiting apprehensively
“There was a phone call for you”
Said Mrs. C
“It was a little garbled
And made no sense to me
Something about Saville
And Operation Yewtree”
CHRISTMAS DAY JUST AFTER LUNCH
Christmas day just after Lunch
My family, being a fun loving bunch
Engage enthusiastically one and all
In parlour games to enthral
At first the alcohol fuelled the fun
And a good time was had by everyone
However as the day wore on
With all self-control long gone
The games degenerate into farce
As an opponent is knocked on his arse
And the afternoon ends in tears
As it has done across the years
And dad makes his annual decree
“Games are forthwith banned” said he
THE YOUNG ELF EDUCATIONALISTS
The young Elf Educationalists
Have discovered an alarming theme
Those who struggle to learn the Elf-abet
Will in later life suffer low Elf esteem
NOVELTY TREE CHOCOLATES
When we were kids,
Before we went to bed,
My brothers and me
Were allowed a pick
A novelty chocolate
Off the Christmas tree
RED BIKE
One Christmas
I got a big Red Bike
With white mudguards
All new and shiny like
But alas it was gone
Again on Boxing Day
It belonged to the post office
So the police took it away
OLIVE THE 10TH REINDEER
Olive the other reindeer,
Used to laugh and call him names
She never let poor Rudolph
Join in any reindeer games
So he planted drugs in her stall
And got her chucked off the team
SO YOU THINK THAT YOU ARE CLAUSTROPHOBIC
So you think that you are Claustrophobic
Well I doubt that is a phobia of yours
As I should tell you that Claustrophobia
Is definitely not a fear of Santa Claus
A Little Bit Of Humour # 35
ROSENCRANTZ AND GUILDENSTERN # 1
Rosencrantz and Guildenstern
Contrary to the rumour, are not dead
But are doing a Piano cabaret act
On a cruise ship instead
NO DOMESTIC GODDESS
I am not by any means
A domestic goddess
To be perfectly honest
My house is a bloody mess
So by way of camouflaging
My domestic disgrace
I always keep on display
Above the fireplace
Get well soon cards
Displayed to be seen
By guests who think
I’ve been too ill to clean
WE HAD ANOTHER TRIVIA QUIZ
We had a Trivia quiz at the pub last night
And I got most of the questions right
But the final question always tells
“Name two things commonly found in cells?”
It appears that a Manc and Scouser
Was not the correct answer
SMOKING KILLS
Smoking kills
Of that there is no doubt
Especially if my wife
Were to find out
ROSENCRANTZ AND GUILDENSTERN # 2
Rosencrantz and Guildenstern
Contrary to the rumour of their demise
Are presenting shows as Ant and Dec
In their most cunning disguise
SLUMBER WARNING
There is a limit to how early
You might go to your repose
Or you might end up retiring
Before you actually arose
MY CRAZY BROTHER IN LAW
My crazy brother in law
Has had a penis extension
Now visitors approach his
House with real apprehension
ROSENCRANTZ AND GUILDENSTERN # 3
Rosencrantz and Guildenstern
Contrary to the rumour are not deceased
But are locked away in Broadmoor
And will never be released
THE CROWD WENT WILD
The crowd went wild
And the opposition reeled
As the Chicago Bugs
Won again at Wriggly Field
I WAS THROWN OUT OF A CLOTHING SHOP
I was thrown out of a clothing shop
It was one of the Muslim outlets
All I did was to ask if I could look
At one of their bomber jacket
YOU ARE TRULY MIDDLE AGED
You are truly middle aged
When your twilight is dawning
And you still believe you will
Feel better in the morning
ROSENCRANTZ AND GUILDENSTERN # 4
Rosencrantz and Guildenstern
Contrary to the rumour did not snuff it
They’re living in a bedsit in Merseyside
Where they have to rough it
THE DIARY OF A VIRGIN
The diary of a Virgin
Is a very short read
As there are within
No entries indeed
LAST NIGHT I HAD FOR MY TEA
Last night I had for my tea
A delicious beef stew
With dumplings, better known
As my wife Sue
IN GEORGE CLOONEY’S LATEST ROLE
In George Clooney’s latest role
He’s to play the part of Kevan
A habitual paedophile
And it’s called "Oh, She's Eleven?"
Rosencrantz and Guildenstern
Contrary to the rumour, are not dead
But are doing a Piano cabaret act
On a cruise ship instead
NO DOMESTIC GODDESS
I am not by any means
A domestic goddess
To be perfectly honest
My house is a bloody mess
So by way of camouflaging
My domestic disgrace
I always keep on display
Above the fireplace
Get well soon cards
Displayed to be seen
By guests who think
I’ve been too ill to clean
WE HAD ANOTHER TRIVIA QUIZ
We had a Trivia quiz at the pub last night
And I got most of the questions right
But the final question always tells
“Name two things commonly found in cells?”
It appears that a Manc and Scouser
Was not the correct answer
SMOKING KILLS
Smoking kills
Of that there is no doubt
Especially if my wife
Were to find out
ROSENCRANTZ AND GUILDENSTERN # 2
Rosencrantz and Guildenstern
Contrary to the rumour of their demise
Are presenting shows as Ant and Dec
In their most cunning disguise
SLUMBER WARNING
There is a limit to how early
You might go to your repose
Or you might end up retiring
Before you actually arose
MY CRAZY BROTHER IN LAW
My crazy brother in law
Has had a penis extension
Now visitors approach his
House with real apprehension
ROSENCRANTZ AND GUILDENSTERN # 3
Rosencrantz and Guildenstern
Contrary to the rumour are not deceased
But are locked away in Broadmoor
And will never be released
THE CROWD WENT WILD
The crowd went wild
And the opposition reeled
As the Chicago Bugs
Won again at Wriggly Field
I WAS THROWN OUT OF A CLOTHING SHOP
I was thrown out of a clothing shop
It was one of the Muslim outlets
All I did was to ask if I could look
At one of their bomber jacket
YOU ARE TRULY MIDDLE AGED
You are truly middle aged
When your twilight is dawning
And you still believe you will
Feel better in the morning
ROSENCRANTZ AND GUILDENSTERN # 4
Rosencrantz and Guildenstern
Contrary to the rumour did not snuff it
They’re living in a bedsit in Merseyside
Where they have to rough it
THE DIARY OF A VIRGIN
The diary of a Virgin
Is a very short read
As there are within
No entries indeed
LAST NIGHT I HAD FOR MY TEA
Last night I had for my tea
A delicious beef stew
With dumplings, better known
As my wife Sue
IN GEORGE CLOONEY’S LATEST ROLE
In George Clooney’s latest role
He’s to play the part of Kevan
A habitual paedophile
And it’s called "Oh, She's Eleven?"
Me And My Brother – On Thin Ice
My brother was five years older than me and as a result from the time I was five years old he looked upon me as something of a burden.
Now that might sound a bit melodramatic but it’s not as if he had to raise me or anything although in truth I think he would have preferred that.
But unfortunately for Peter his burden took a very different form.
Ever since my fifth birthday he had to baby-sit me, whenever he went out to play he had to take me along, and he hated it, which he never let me forget.
It didn’t matter what plans he had, football, cricket, riding his bike or fishing, you name it I was there too.
It was a Saturday morning in early January 1963 when the country was in the grip of the big freeze.
Apart from the weather it was an average Saturday, my Dad was a Coldstream Guard and was on duty, my sisters were upstairs fighting over who’s turn it was to get in the bathroom, my mum was at the sink washing up and me and my brother were still sitting at the breakfast table tucking into a second bowl of cereal.
Just as I was finishing the last mouthful there was a loud knock on the front door.
“Get that Peter” Mum called
“Ok he said and he was gone about five minutes
“Who was it?” mum asked
“Colin and John” he answered “they’re going sledging and want me to go too”
“I see” mum said without turning around
“Can I go?” Peter asked hopefully
“Yes but take your brother with you” she replied
“Oh mum” he moaned “do I have too?”
“Yes” she said sternly looking up from her task for the first time.
“But he’s a baby” Peter protested
“I’m not a baby” I shouted “I’m six”
“Yes you are” Peter barked at me
“Well if he doesn’t go” mum snapped “you don’t go”
“Oh mum” he protested “That’s not fair”
“Your choice” mum said without looking up from the sink
“Ok” Peter mumbled resignedly
“Hooray” I yelled and ran to the coat cupboard and donned my duffel coat and wellies.
Apart from the duffel coat I also had to wear gloves and a grey knitted balaclava helmet, which was obligatory headgear for children at that time.
Peter was similarly equipped but he removed his balaclava once we were out of sight of the house.
“Look after your brother” Mum said as she followed us to the door
“Alright Mum I will” I said and giggled
“Have fun you two” she said and laughed “don’t do anything silly”
“Bye” I said and ran after Peter
“And stay away from the canal” She shouted just before she closed the door.
It was a cold grey day and there had been a fresh fall of snow overnight which is why sledging had been suggested.
Colin and John were waiting for us on the corner with the sledge.
“Come on Pete” Colin shouted
“Alright we’re coming” Peter replied “Sorry Col but I had to bring the runt”
“Oi” I protested
“Bad luck” Colin said “I had to bring mine as well”
And he patted John on the head.
“Get off” John said and gave his brother a shove.
He was only a couple of year’s young than Colin but unlike me John was not considered a burden by his brother.
They had a brilliant sledge, bright red with a varnished seat.
They always had nice stuff, their Dad was an officer in the Grenadier Guards.
He didn’t really like his boys playing with the progeny of the lower ranks but they did anyway.
We had the snow and a wizard sledge but we trudged around for ages searching for a good place.
It wasn’t that there was a shortage of hills in the small corner of Surrey that was Pirbright.
The problem was however finding one that wasn’t covered in Trees, Ferns and Bracken, or that terminated on a road or railway lines.
After about an hour we struck lucky when we found an old disused gravel pit which had a long straight slope that ended in a thick accumulation of snow.
We had a brilliant time and we sledged until we were utterly exhausted when we began the long trudge home which was an hour away.
“Let’s take a short cut across the canal” Colin suggested
“What on the ice?” John asked
“Yes” he replied “it’ll save us time”
“We’re not allowed” I said
“Shut up baby” Peter snapped
“Is the ice thick enough?” John asked cautiously
“We’ll soon find out once you stand on it” Colin said
“Why me?” John asked with alarm
“Because I said” Colin replied
“Well I’m not going first” John stated adamantly
After a few minutes of arguing between the brothers Peter said
“For God’s sake I’ll go”
“Good man Pete” Colin said as Peter gingerly inched his way onto the ice.
Once it was apparent that it was safe Colin followed suit then me and finally John.
“This is great let’s go down the canal to the footbridge” Peter suggested and we all slipped and slid our way the half mile or so to the footbridge.
When we got there I thought it was quite a steep bank up to the tow path for a kid my size so I decided to go the other side of the bridge where I thought it would be easier for me to climb up.
When he saw what I was doing John shouted
“Don’t go under there!”
“It’s ok” I replied “I can climb up easier down here”
“That’s not what I mean” John shouted
The shout attracted Peter’s attention and he said
“Listen to John”
“Come over here and we’ll help you out” Colin suggested
“It’s all right” I insisted “I can manage”
Then all three of them shouted in unison
“Don’t go under the bridge”
“Its ok I’m not a bab…” I began as the ice gave way beneath me and I sank like a stone.
I went straight to the bottom and then luckily bobbed straight back up and through the same hole I’d fallen through seconds before.
When I reached the surface I took in a huge breath, not because I’d been deprived of oxygen but rather more because the water was freezing.
All three of them were by the hole when I surfaced and quickly pulled me out of the icy water.
“That’s why we said “Don’t go under the bridge”” Peter said
I didn’t reply as my teeth were chattering too much so I just nodded.
Every stitch of clothing was soaked through and both of my wellies were full to the brim with icy water.
Once they knew I was unharmed the laughter began and when I squelched to the bank and water exuded from my boots with each step they were in hysterics and rolling around on the ice.
I sat on the ice and emptied each welly in turn and the cascade of water was greeted with fresh peals of laughter.
“What are we going to tell mum?” I asked soberly which silenced Peter in an instant.
“Oh bloody hell” he said “She’ll kill me”
The three of them helped me up the bank and we began to slog up the wooded hillside in the general direction of home while they all suggested excuses for why I was sopping wet.
“Can’t you just tell the truth?” Colin said
“Are you kidding?” Peter replied “We were told not to go near the canal”
“She’d be really mad” I added
“That’s an understatement” Peter corrected me “I wouldn’t be allowed out again until the cricket season”
“How about a car driving through a puddle and splashing him?” John offered
“That won’t work” Colin retorted
“Why not?” john asked
“Well Einstein if a car drove through a puddle how come Paul is the only one that got wet?”
“I hadn’t thought of that” John admitted
“Whereas he could have fallen in the puddle” Colin suggested
“Look at him” Peter said “Does it look like he fell in a puddle?”
All three of them turned to look at me as I squelched along in their wake.
“What?” I said in response
“We’re trying to account for why you look like that” Peter said
“Can’t we just say I fell in a ditch?”
When we got back to Slade Road we said goodbye to Colin and John on the corner and with a sense of foreboding trudged the last few yards to the house.
Once inside we kicked of our wellies and hung up our coats in the cupboard.
“Is that you boys?” Mum called from the kitchen
“Yes mum” Peter replied
“Did you have fun?” she asked
“Yes it was great” I answered
Then Peter ushered me up the stairs as Mum came out of the kitchen.
“You must be perished” she said “I’ll run you a bath”
“I’ll do it mum” Peter said
“Oh alright darling I’ll get on with tea then” and she returned to the kitchen.
I got in the bath first and while I was in there Peter snuck my wet clothes into the airing cupboard to dry them off a bit.
We were both on the landing ready to go down and feeling rather pleased with our management of the situation when she called up the stairs
“Why is Paul’s coat soaking wet?”
And without pausing to take a breath Peter replied
“He fell in a ditch on the way home”
“How did that happen” she asked
“Colin, John and me all jumped over the ditch and then Paul tried and fell in” Peter replied and we held our breaths until mum said
“That’s typical of the Clumsy so and so”
Now that might sound a bit melodramatic but it’s not as if he had to raise me or anything although in truth I think he would have preferred that.
But unfortunately for Peter his burden took a very different form.
Ever since my fifth birthday he had to baby-sit me, whenever he went out to play he had to take me along, and he hated it, which he never let me forget.
It didn’t matter what plans he had, football, cricket, riding his bike or fishing, you name it I was there too.
It was a Saturday morning in early January 1963 when the country was in the grip of the big freeze.
Apart from the weather it was an average Saturday, my Dad was a Coldstream Guard and was on duty, my sisters were upstairs fighting over who’s turn it was to get in the bathroom, my mum was at the sink washing up and me and my brother were still sitting at the breakfast table tucking into a second bowl of cereal.
Just as I was finishing the last mouthful there was a loud knock on the front door.
“Get that Peter” Mum called
“Ok he said and he was gone about five minutes
“Who was it?” mum asked
“Colin and John” he answered “they’re going sledging and want me to go too”
“I see” mum said without turning around
“Can I go?” Peter asked hopefully
“Yes but take your brother with you” she replied
“Oh mum” he moaned “do I have too?”
“Yes” she said sternly looking up from her task for the first time.
“But he’s a baby” Peter protested
“I’m not a baby” I shouted “I’m six”
“Yes you are” Peter barked at me
“Well if he doesn’t go” mum snapped “you don’t go”
“Oh mum” he protested “That’s not fair”
“Your choice” mum said without looking up from the sink
“Ok” Peter mumbled resignedly
“Hooray” I yelled and ran to the coat cupboard and donned my duffel coat and wellies.
Apart from the duffel coat I also had to wear gloves and a grey knitted balaclava helmet, which was obligatory headgear for children at that time.
Peter was similarly equipped but he removed his balaclava once we were out of sight of the house.
“Look after your brother” Mum said as she followed us to the door
“Alright Mum I will” I said and giggled
“Have fun you two” she said and laughed “don’t do anything silly”
“Bye” I said and ran after Peter
“And stay away from the canal” She shouted just before she closed the door.
It was a cold grey day and there had been a fresh fall of snow overnight which is why sledging had been suggested.
Colin and John were waiting for us on the corner with the sledge.
“Come on Pete” Colin shouted
“Alright we’re coming” Peter replied “Sorry Col but I had to bring the runt”
“Oi” I protested
“Bad luck” Colin said “I had to bring mine as well”
And he patted John on the head.
“Get off” John said and gave his brother a shove.
He was only a couple of year’s young than Colin but unlike me John was not considered a burden by his brother.
They had a brilliant sledge, bright red with a varnished seat.
They always had nice stuff, their Dad was an officer in the Grenadier Guards.
He didn’t really like his boys playing with the progeny of the lower ranks but they did anyway.
We had the snow and a wizard sledge but we trudged around for ages searching for a good place.
It wasn’t that there was a shortage of hills in the small corner of Surrey that was Pirbright.
The problem was however finding one that wasn’t covered in Trees, Ferns and Bracken, or that terminated on a road or railway lines.
After about an hour we struck lucky when we found an old disused gravel pit which had a long straight slope that ended in a thick accumulation of snow.
We had a brilliant time and we sledged until we were utterly exhausted when we began the long trudge home which was an hour away.
“Let’s take a short cut across the canal” Colin suggested
“What on the ice?” John asked
“Yes” he replied “it’ll save us time”
“We’re not allowed” I said
“Shut up baby” Peter snapped
“Is the ice thick enough?” John asked cautiously
“We’ll soon find out once you stand on it” Colin said
“Why me?” John asked with alarm
“Because I said” Colin replied
“Well I’m not going first” John stated adamantly
After a few minutes of arguing between the brothers Peter said
“For God’s sake I’ll go”
“Good man Pete” Colin said as Peter gingerly inched his way onto the ice.
Once it was apparent that it was safe Colin followed suit then me and finally John.
“This is great let’s go down the canal to the footbridge” Peter suggested and we all slipped and slid our way the half mile or so to the footbridge.
When we got there I thought it was quite a steep bank up to the tow path for a kid my size so I decided to go the other side of the bridge where I thought it would be easier for me to climb up.
When he saw what I was doing John shouted
“Don’t go under there!”
“It’s ok” I replied “I can climb up easier down here”
“That’s not what I mean” John shouted
The shout attracted Peter’s attention and he said
“Listen to John”
“Come over here and we’ll help you out” Colin suggested
“It’s all right” I insisted “I can manage”
Then all three of them shouted in unison
“Don’t go under the bridge”
“Its ok I’m not a bab…” I began as the ice gave way beneath me and I sank like a stone.
I went straight to the bottom and then luckily bobbed straight back up and through the same hole I’d fallen through seconds before.
When I reached the surface I took in a huge breath, not because I’d been deprived of oxygen but rather more because the water was freezing.
All three of them were by the hole when I surfaced and quickly pulled me out of the icy water.
“That’s why we said “Don’t go under the bridge”” Peter said
I didn’t reply as my teeth were chattering too much so I just nodded.
Every stitch of clothing was soaked through and both of my wellies were full to the brim with icy water.
Once they knew I was unharmed the laughter began and when I squelched to the bank and water exuded from my boots with each step they were in hysterics and rolling around on the ice.
I sat on the ice and emptied each welly in turn and the cascade of water was greeted with fresh peals of laughter.
“What are we going to tell mum?” I asked soberly which silenced Peter in an instant.
“Oh bloody hell” he said “She’ll kill me”
The three of them helped me up the bank and we began to slog up the wooded hillside in the general direction of home while they all suggested excuses for why I was sopping wet.
“Can’t you just tell the truth?” Colin said
“Are you kidding?” Peter replied “We were told not to go near the canal”
“She’d be really mad” I added
“That’s an understatement” Peter corrected me “I wouldn’t be allowed out again until the cricket season”
“How about a car driving through a puddle and splashing him?” John offered
“That won’t work” Colin retorted
“Why not?” john asked
“Well Einstein if a car drove through a puddle how come Paul is the only one that got wet?”
“I hadn’t thought of that” John admitted
“Whereas he could have fallen in the puddle” Colin suggested
“Look at him” Peter said “Does it look like he fell in a puddle?”
All three of them turned to look at me as I squelched along in their wake.
“What?” I said in response
“We’re trying to account for why you look like that” Peter said
“Can’t we just say I fell in a ditch?”
When we got back to Slade Road we said goodbye to Colin and John on the corner and with a sense of foreboding trudged the last few yards to the house.
Once inside we kicked of our wellies and hung up our coats in the cupboard.
“Is that you boys?” Mum called from the kitchen
“Yes mum” Peter replied
“Did you have fun?” she asked
“Yes it was great” I answered
Then Peter ushered me up the stairs as Mum came out of the kitchen.
“You must be perished” she said “I’ll run you a bath”
“I’ll do it mum” Peter said
“Oh alright darling I’ll get on with tea then” and she returned to the kitchen.
I got in the bath first and while I was in there Peter snuck my wet clothes into the airing cupboard to dry them off a bit.
We were both on the landing ready to go down and feeling rather pleased with our management of the situation when she called up the stairs
“Why is Paul’s coat soaking wet?”
And without pausing to take a breath Peter replied
“He fell in a ditch on the way home”
“How did that happen” she asked
“Colin, John and me all jumped over the ditch and then Paul tried and fell in” Peter replied and we held our breaths until mum said
“That’s typical of the Clumsy so and so”
Me And My Brother – Hunting For Christmas
My brother was five years older than me and as a result from the time I was five years old he looked upon me as something of a burden.
Now that might sound a bit melodramatic but it’s not as if he had to raise me or anything although in truth I think he would have preferred that.
But unfortunately for Peter his burden took a very different form.
Ever since my fifth birthday he had to baby-sit me, whenever he went out to play he had to take me along, and he hated it, which he never let me forget.
It didn’t matter what plans he had, football, cricket, riding his bike or fishing, you name it I was there too.
But it wasn’t just outside babysitting Peter had to do, he was often “lumbered” as he would put it, with looking after me at home.
It was on one such occasion in 1964 when I was 8 and Peter was 13.
I remember the day vividly because it was the day my loving brother, five years my senior cast a doubt over the existence of Father Christmas.
My Dad had left the army the previous year and we were then living in the village of Abbotts Ripton in Cambridgeshire where he was chauffeur to the 3rd Baron de Ramsey.
We lived in a quaint “chocolate box” thatched cottage on the edge of the Estate.
Due to some extremely wet weather we were confined to barracks while Mum and dad went shopping in Huntingdon with the gamekeeper and his wife.
There had been the usual fruitless exchange between Peter and Mum.
“Can we go out?” he asked
“Of course not” she replied “it’s absolutely tipping down, you silly boy”
“Boring” he retorted
Mum just tutted and closed the front door behind her.
“Oh great” He cursed “stuck indoors on a Saturday with you and nothing to do”
To put things into perspective we had no computers or video games and there were only two TV channels and they had a limited schedule.
“What are we going to do now?” Peter said and flopped down on the sofa
“We can do a jigsaw” I suggested
“Nah” he replied
“We could play cards” I offered
“Like what?” he queried
“Snap” I said happily
Peter shook his head
“Fish?”
“Brilliant” Peter responded “not only am I stuck indoors on a Saturday but I’m doing it with a baby”
Undaunted I pressed on
“Ludo then, you like Ludo”
“Oh God” he said and buried his face in a cushion
“Snakes and ladders” I said in desperation
“Nah” he said and then he emerged from the cushion and continued “I’ve got a better idea”
“What?” I asked hoping we might finally do something
“Let’s find the presents” he said
“What presents?” I asked
“The Christmas presents” Peter replied
“Huh?” I responded
“The Christmas presents, dummy” he repeated
“I don’t understand” I said
“We’re going to look for our Christmas presents” Peter said
“I still don’t understand” I said confused “it’s not Christmas yet”
Peter had got up and stood by the door
“How can we have presents when Father Christmas hasn’t been yet?”
“God you’re more of a baby than I thought” Peter said with contempt
“You actually still believe in Father Christmas” he added scornfully and laughed
“Shut up” I screamed
“There is no father Christmas you dummy” Peter responded
“Mum and Dad buy all the presents, and put them in our pillow cases”
“No they don’t” I shouted and ran past him and out of the room crying,
This just made him laugh even more.
I just kept running and went upstairs and onto my bed.
I don’t know how long I lay on my bed crying but when I emerged I found Peter carrying a step ladder up the narrow staircase clearly still engaged on his great Christmas present hunt.
“What are you doing?” I asked wiping my eyes on my sleeve
“I’ve looked everywhere except for the loft” he replied panting hard
I refrained from pointing out the reason why he hadn’t found anything and elected instead to watching him struggle with setting the stepladder up and climbing up.
I did laugh when he banged his on the loft hatch but he responded with a glare.
Once he’d disappeared through the hatch I ventured gingerly up the steps.
“Aha” Peter exclaimed and my heart sank
“What is it?” I asked fearing the answer
“I’ve found them” Peter said as his head appeared through the hatch.
“Oh” I responded weakly as his head withdrew much like a tortoise retreating into its shell
“Do you want to know what you’re getting?” he shouted
“No” I shouted back “Don’t tell me”
“Are you sure?” he taunted me
I hesitated, though I didn’t want to know what was in the loft I did want to know something.
“Just tell me if there’s a Fireball XL5?” I said
Fireball XL5 was my favourite program and having my own rocket was the one thing I wanted most in all the world, all the kids at school were talking about it, and I wanted one.
It was the one and only thing I had asked for in my letter to Father Christmas.
“No there isn’t” he replied “and there’s no Walkie Talkies either”
The Radios were the one present Peter had asked for though he would never have admitted that he’d written to Santa.
He spent the next hour sulkily playing Ludo with me until Mum and Dad came home.
I was in a much better mood because in my naivety I took the absence of the rocket in the loft to mean that Father Christmas would be bringing it.
In the days following the present hunt I was troubled by the devastating news that Father Christmas might not exist but I made sure Peter didn’t know how upset I was.
But despite the doubts that now filled my head, on Christmas Eve that year I went to bed with all the usual expectations and having gone through the usual rituals.
Putting out by the fireplace, milk and cookies for Father Christmas and a carrot for the reindeer and then laying out the pillow case on the foot of my bed.
And as I lay snuggled down in bed I thought that it didn’t really matter, it was still fun and there would still be presents in the morning.
Well that’s what I told myself.
It was still dark when I stirred the next morning although I didn’t know what time it was.
I waited for my eyes to become accustomed to the darkness but I couldn’t make out anything.
Then I stretched my legs down as far as they would go and whoopee the presents were there.
I couldn’t put the light on incase it was too early, we had been warned about the consequences of getting up too early, so I had to quietly slip out of bed and onto the floor where I reached beneath my bed until I found my torch.
Well when I say it was my torch, it was actually Peters and I had sneaked into his room and stole it from under his bed while he was in the bathroom.
I switched it on and pointed it at the end of the bed.
“Wow” I said as the torch light fell on the pillow case stuffed full with presents as well as a pile of wrapped parcels on the floor at the foot of the bed.
“He’s been, he’s been” I exclaimed
Sometime later I was sitting on my bed and was surrounded by torn and screwed up bits of wrapping paper and I heard a sound at the door.
Before I had chance to react the door had opened,
“So that’s where my torch went?” Peter said stepping into the room and closing the door behind him
“Is it too early?” I whispered
“No its fine” Peter said and switched on the light
“Good” I responded
“Blige” he exclaimed at the scene of devastation
Totally oblivious of the festive mess I was sat amidst I just said triumphantly
“Look what Father Christmas brought me”
As I brandished above my head my brand new Fireball XL5 rocket.
“Happy Christmas” Peter said
Now that might sound a bit melodramatic but it’s not as if he had to raise me or anything although in truth I think he would have preferred that.
But unfortunately for Peter his burden took a very different form.
Ever since my fifth birthday he had to baby-sit me, whenever he went out to play he had to take me along, and he hated it, which he never let me forget.
It didn’t matter what plans he had, football, cricket, riding his bike or fishing, you name it I was there too.
But it wasn’t just outside babysitting Peter had to do, he was often “lumbered” as he would put it, with looking after me at home.
It was on one such occasion in 1964 when I was 8 and Peter was 13.
I remember the day vividly because it was the day my loving brother, five years my senior cast a doubt over the existence of Father Christmas.
My Dad had left the army the previous year and we were then living in the village of Abbotts Ripton in Cambridgeshire where he was chauffeur to the 3rd Baron de Ramsey.
We lived in a quaint “chocolate box” thatched cottage on the edge of the Estate.
Due to some extremely wet weather we were confined to barracks while Mum and dad went shopping in Huntingdon with the gamekeeper and his wife.
There had been the usual fruitless exchange between Peter and Mum.
“Can we go out?” he asked
“Of course not” she replied “it’s absolutely tipping down, you silly boy”
“Boring” he retorted
Mum just tutted and closed the front door behind her.
“Oh great” He cursed “stuck indoors on a Saturday with you and nothing to do”
To put things into perspective we had no computers or video games and there were only two TV channels and they had a limited schedule.
“What are we going to do now?” Peter said and flopped down on the sofa
“We can do a jigsaw” I suggested
“Nah” he replied
“We could play cards” I offered
“Like what?” he queried
“Snap” I said happily
Peter shook his head
“Fish?”
“Brilliant” Peter responded “not only am I stuck indoors on a Saturday but I’m doing it with a baby”
Undaunted I pressed on
“Ludo then, you like Ludo”
“Oh God” he said and buried his face in a cushion
“Snakes and ladders” I said in desperation
“Nah” he said and then he emerged from the cushion and continued “I’ve got a better idea”
“What?” I asked hoping we might finally do something
“Let’s find the presents” he said
“What presents?” I asked
“The Christmas presents” Peter replied
“Huh?” I responded
“The Christmas presents, dummy” he repeated
“I don’t understand” I said
“We’re going to look for our Christmas presents” Peter said
“I still don’t understand” I said confused “it’s not Christmas yet”
Peter had got up and stood by the door
“How can we have presents when Father Christmas hasn’t been yet?”
“God you’re more of a baby than I thought” Peter said with contempt
“You actually still believe in Father Christmas” he added scornfully and laughed
“Shut up” I screamed
“There is no father Christmas you dummy” Peter responded
“Mum and Dad buy all the presents, and put them in our pillow cases”
“No they don’t” I shouted and ran past him and out of the room crying,
This just made him laugh even more.
I just kept running and went upstairs and onto my bed.
I don’t know how long I lay on my bed crying but when I emerged I found Peter carrying a step ladder up the narrow staircase clearly still engaged on his great Christmas present hunt.
“What are you doing?” I asked wiping my eyes on my sleeve
“I’ve looked everywhere except for the loft” he replied panting hard
I refrained from pointing out the reason why he hadn’t found anything and elected instead to watching him struggle with setting the stepladder up and climbing up.
I did laugh when he banged his on the loft hatch but he responded with a glare.
Once he’d disappeared through the hatch I ventured gingerly up the steps.
“Aha” Peter exclaimed and my heart sank
“What is it?” I asked fearing the answer
“I’ve found them” Peter said as his head appeared through the hatch.
“Oh” I responded weakly as his head withdrew much like a tortoise retreating into its shell
“Do you want to know what you’re getting?” he shouted
“No” I shouted back “Don’t tell me”
“Are you sure?” he taunted me
I hesitated, though I didn’t want to know what was in the loft I did want to know something.
“Just tell me if there’s a Fireball XL5?” I said
Fireball XL5 was my favourite program and having my own rocket was the one thing I wanted most in all the world, all the kids at school were talking about it, and I wanted one.
It was the one and only thing I had asked for in my letter to Father Christmas.
“No there isn’t” he replied “and there’s no Walkie Talkies either”
The Radios were the one present Peter had asked for though he would never have admitted that he’d written to Santa.
He spent the next hour sulkily playing Ludo with me until Mum and Dad came home.
I was in a much better mood because in my naivety I took the absence of the rocket in the loft to mean that Father Christmas would be bringing it.
In the days following the present hunt I was troubled by the devastating news that Father Christmas might not exist but I made sure Peter didn’t know how upset I was.
But despite the doubts that now filled my head, on Christmas Eve that year I went to bed with all the usual expectations and having gone through the usual rituals.
Putting out by the fireplace, milk and cookies for Father Christmas and a carrot for the reindeer and then laying out the pillow case on the foot of my bed.
And as I lay snuggled down in bed I thought that it didn’t really matter, it was still fun and there would still be presents in the morning.
Well that’s what I told myself.
It was still dark when I stirred the next morning although I didn’t know what time it was.
I waited for my eyes to become accustomed to the darkness but I couldn’t make out anything.
Then I stretched my legs down as far as they would go and whoopee the presents were there.
I couldn’t put the light on incase it was too early, we had been warned about the consequences of getting up too early, so I had to quietly slip out of bed and onto the floor where I reached beneath my bed until I found my torch.
Well when I say it was my torch, it was actually Peters and I had sneaked into his room and stole it from under his bed while he was in the bathroom.
I switched it on and pointed it at the end of the bed.
“Wow” I said as the torch light fell on the pillow case stuffed full with presents as well as a pile of wrapped parcels on the floor at the foot of the bed.
“He’s been, he’s been” I exclaimed
Sometime later I was sitting on my bed and was surrounded by torn and screwed up bits of wrapping paper and I heard a sound at the door.
Before I had chance to react the door had opened,
“So that’s where my torch went?” Peter said stepping into the room and closing the door behind him
“Is it too early?” I whispered
“No its fine” Peter said and switched on the light
“Good” I responded
“Blige” he exclaimed at the scene of devastation
Totally oblivious of the festive mess I was sat amidst I just said triumphantly
“Look what Father Christmas brought me”
As I brandished above my head my brand new Fireball XL5 rocket.
“Happy Christmas” Peter said
Me And My Brother – The November The 5th Fiasco
My brother was five years older than me and as a result from the time I was five years old he looked upon me as something of a burden.
Now that might sound a bit melodramatic but it’s not as if he had to raise me or anything although in truth I think he would have preferred that.
But unfortunately for Peter his burden took a very different form.
Ever since my fifth birthday he had to baby-sit me, whenever he went out to play he had to take me along, and he hated it, which he never let me forget.
It didn’t matter what plans he had, football, cricket, riding his bike or fishing, you name it I was there too.
In fact I can only remember one occasion when he was grateful for my company.
It was November 1966, I was 10 and Peter had just turned fifteen the week before.
We were living in North London, where my dad worked as a grounds man on Alexandra Park racecourse and we lived in a cottage on the grounds.
It was the day before bonfire night which when I was ten was a very exciting time.
I found everything about bonfire night exciting, the bonfire in the back garden with the guy on top, hot chocolate and marshmallows, but I especially enjoyed the fireworks, now they’re just bloody annoying, but then they were magic when I was a kid.
However we weren’t the wealthiest family and money for luxuries like fireworks was not easy to come by so we never knew if we were going to have a selection box or a small box of bangers and some sparklers.
So it wasn’t until the afternoon of the 5th of November that we heard the news.
Peter and I were upstairs and Mum and Dad were in the kitchen when dad called up.
“Boys? Come down here”
We knew what is was about so we didn’t need calling twice and we dropped what we were doing and ran full pelt down the stairs, Peter got there first as usual.
“Alright slow down” Dad said as we slid into the kitchen on the lino.
“Mums got something for you”
So we turned our full attension to Mum.
“Here you are boys”’she said handing a bank note to Peter “for fireworks”
“Wow Five pounds?” we said in unison
“Yes” she replied, “I did a lot of overtime last month”
“Thanks Mum” I said and hugged her, Peter took his eyes off the note momentarily and joined me.
Then we did the same to Dad.
“Don’t waste it all on fancy stuff, you’ve got enough there for a decent selection box and a few extras” he said and the realisation dawned on Peters face that he was allowed to get them himself.
In previous years we had gone to the shop and Dad had always bought them.
Even though back in those days kids could buy fireworks and most tobacconists would sell you fags or you could get them and beer from the offie, you didn’t need a note or anything.
We both ran out of the kitchen and started putting our shoes on.
“Where do you think your going” Mum said to me
“I’m going with Peter” I replied, “to get the fireworks”
“Oh no you’re not” she corrected me
“Hah” Peter said and smirked rather disgustingly
“But…” I began
“But nothing you still have chores left to do” she scolded
“But…” I began again
“You have toys all over the house that I told you to clear away this morning” she said
Peter was heading for the back door.
Dad handed him a letter and said
“Pop my coupon in the post on your way”
“Ok Dad” Peter said and smirked at me again
“If I pick them all up now can I go?” I begged
“Too late” Peter said and went out the door “Bye”
“If I pick them all up can I run and catch him up?” I asked
“No” Mum said sternly
I looked at my dad for support but he just inclined his head and gave me a knowing smile that said, “You should have done it when you were told to”
I went off sulkily and begrudgingly picked up every toy car, soldier and Lego brick
And then sat down watching the clock
After what seemed like an age I went to the kitchen to find mum, Dad had gone back to work by then.
“Why isn’t Peter back yet?” I asked her
She was stood at the sink and half turned to glance over her shoulder at the clock
“I don’t know” she replied unsurely then after a moment or two added
“Perhaps he had to go to more than one shop”
She accompanied this remark with a distinct nod as if to confirm what a sensible conclusion she had come to.
Half an hour later she was less convinced.
“Shall I go and look for him?” I suggest hopefully
“No” she said firmly “I don’t want to lose two sons in one afternoon thank you very much”
Then she began pacing the kitchen and muttering under her breath, she had just began her sixth length when I spotted him shuffling down the front path.
“Here he is,” I shouted
“Where?” Mum said and went to the window “thank God”
When he came through the door he looked very crestfallen.
“Where on earth have you been?” mum said sharply though clearly relieved
“I...” he began
“Let’s see the fireworks,” I asked
“I…” he began again
“Where are the fireworks?” Mum asked “Did someone steal them from you?”
“I didn’t get any” he replied softly
“Why not?” Mum demanded
“I,,, I” he stuttered
“Well?” mum reiterated
“I lost the money,” I said
“You did what?” she shouted “you stupid boy”
“I looked everywhere” he said “that’s why I’ve been so long”
“Do you know how hard I have to work to earn the money for luxuries like fireworks?”
“I’m sorry” he said and began crying “but I retraced my steps and I really have looked everywhere”
“Well that’s, that then” Mum yelled as she stomped off down the hall “and don’t think you’re getting any more”
“Did you post Dads letter?” I asked
“Yes” he sobbed
“Well at least you did that right,” Mum said
“Perhaps it’s in the letter box,” I suggested
“What is?” Mum asked
“The fiver” I explained “maybe you posted it with Dads coupon”
Peter looked thoughtful as mum came back into the kitchen
“See your brother has got more sense in his little finger than you’ve got in your whole body”
Peter stared at the floor as she ranted on, this was not the first time she had said that particular phrase but it still hurt.
“You need to get yourself up to the post box and wait there until its emptied and ask the postman to check through the letters”
Peter got up and walked towards the door.
“And take your brother with you” She said, “at least I know I can trust him”
“Can we still get fireworks?” I asked as I put my coat on
“Let’s find the money first” she snapped “and then we’ll see”
I had to run up the path to catch up with Peter but when I caught up to him he put his arm around my shoulder and said
“Well done kid,” he said
We spent the next hour sitting on the curb by the post box until the postman pulled up
He jumped out of his Comma van and when he saw us sitting there he laughed and said
“Ok what did you do?”
Peter stood up and explained what we thought he’d done and he laughed again
“You wouldn’t believe the things people post in here by accident” he said as he unlocked the door and began transferring letters from the box into his sack pausing only once to brandish our £5 note.
We thanked him profusely and went running off down the road and hoped above hope that Mum would still let us spend the hard earned £5 on fireworks.
She was much happier by the time we got home and gave us both a hug before saying
“Now the pair of you had better get to the shop before they close”
“Really?” Peter said
“Yes” Mum said and kissed his forehead
“Just don’t tell your father”
Now that might sound a bit melodramatic but it’s not as if he had to raise me or anything although in truth I think he would have preferred that.
But unfortunately for Peter his burden took a very different form.
Ever since my fifth birthday he had to baby-sit me, whenever he went out to play he had to take me along, and he hated it, which he never let me forget.
It didn’t matter what plans he had, football, cricket, riding his bike or fishing, you name it I was there too.
In fact I can only remember one occasion when he was grateful for my company.
It was November 1966, I was 10 and Peter had just turned fifteen the week before.
We were living in North London, where my dad worked as a grounds man on Alexandra Park racecourse and we lived in a cottage on the grounds.
It was the day before bonfire night which when I was ten was a very exciting time.
I found everything about bonfire night exciting, the bonfire in the back garden with the guy on top, hot chocolate and marshmallows, but I especially enjoyed the fireworks, now they’re just bloody annoying, but then they were magic when I was a kid.
However we weren’t the wealthiest family and money for luxuries like fireworks was not easy to come by so we never knew if we were going to have a selection box or a small box of bangers and some sparklers.
So it wasn’t until the afternoon of the 5th of November that we heard the news.
Peter and I were upstairs and Mum and Dad were in the kitchen when dad called up.
“Boys? Come down here”
We knew what is was about so we didn’t need calling twice and we dropped what we were doing and ran full pelt down the stairs, Peter got there first as usual.
“Alright slow down” Dad said as we slid into the kitchen on the lino.
“Mums got something for you”
So we turned our full attension to Mum.
“Here you are boys”’she said handing a bank note to Peter “for fireworks”
“Wow Five pounds?” we said in unison
“Yes” she replied, “I did a lot of overtime last month”
“Thanks Mum” I said and hugged her, Peter took his eyes off the note momentarily and joined me.
Then we did the same to Dad.
“Don’t waste it all on fancy stuff, you’ve got enough there for a decent selection box and a few extras” he said and the realisation dawned on Peters face that he was allowed to get them himself.
In previous years we had gone to the shop and Dad had always bought them.
Even though back in those days kids could buy fireworks and most tobacconists would sell you fags or you could get them and beer from the offie, you didn’t need a note or anything.
We both ran out of the kitchen and started putting our shoes on.
“Where do you think your going” Mum said to me
“I’m going with Peter” I replied, “to get the fireworks”
“Oh no you’re not” she corrected me
“Hah” Peter said and smirked rather disgustingly
“But…” I began
“But nothing you still have chores left to do” she scolded
“But…” I began again
“You have toys all over the house that I told you to clear away this morning” she said
Peter was heading for the back door.
Dad handed him a letter and said
“Pop my coupon in the post on your way”
“Ok Dad” Peter said and smirked at me again
“If I pick them all up now can I go?” I begged
“Too late” Peter said and went out the door “Bye”
“If I pick them all up can I run and catch him up?” I asked
“No” Mum said sternly
I looked at my dad for support but he just inclined his head and gave me a knowing smile that said, “You should have done it when you were told to”
I went off sulkily and begrudgingly picked up every toy car, soldier and Lego brick
And then sat down watching the clock
After what seemed like an age I went to the kitchen to find mum, Dad had gone back to work by then.
“Why isn’t Peter back yet?” I asked her
She was stood at the sink and half turned to glance over her shoulder at the clock
“I don’t know” she replied unsurely then after a moment or two added
“Perhaps he had to go to more than one shop”
She accompanied this remark with a distinct nod as if to confirm what a sensible conclusion she had come to.
Half an hour later she was less convinced.
“Shall I go and look for him?” I suggest hopefully
“No” she said firmly “I don’t want to lose two sons in one afternoon thank you very much”
Then she began pacing the kitchen and muttering under her breath, she had just began her sixth length when I spotted him shuffling down the front path.
“Here he is,” I shouted
“Where?” Mum said and went to the window “thank God”
When he came through the door he looked very crestfallen.
“Where on earth have you been?” mum said sharply though clearly relieved
“I...” he began
“Let’s see the fireworks,” I asked
“I…” he began again
“Where are the fireworks?” Mum asked “Did someone steal them from you?”
“I didn’t get any” he replied softly
“Why not?” Mum demanded
“I,,, I” he stuttered
“Well?” mum reiterated
“I lost the money,” I said
“You did what?” she shouted “you stupid boy”
“I looked everywhere” he said “that’s why I’ve been so long”
“Do you know how hard I have to work to earn the money for luxuries like fireworks?”
“I’m sorry” he said and began crying “but I retraced my steps and I really have looked everywhere”
“Well that’s, that then” Mum yelled as she stomped off down the hall “and don’t think you’re getting any more”
“Did you post Dads letter?” I asked
“Yes” he sobbed
“Well at least you did that right,” Mum said
“Perhaps it’s in the letter box,” I suggested
“What is?” Mum asked
“The fiver” I explained “maybe you posted it with Dads coupon”
Peter looked thoughtful as mum came back into the kitchen
“See your brother has got more sense in his little finger than you’ve got in your whole body”
Peter stared at the floor as she ranted on, this was not the first time she had said that particular phrase but it still hurt.
“You need to get yourself up to the post box and wait there until its emptied and ask the postman to check through the letters”
Peter got up and walked towards the door.
“And take your brother with you” She said, “at least I know I can trust him”
“Can we still get fireworks?” I asked as I put my coat on
“Let’s find the money first” she snapped “and then we’ll see”
I had to run up the path to catch up with Peter but when I caught up to him he put his arm around my shoulder and said
“Well done kid,” he said
We spent the next hour sitting on the curb by the post box until the postman pulled up
He jumped out of his Comma van and when he saw us sitting there he laughed and said
“Ok what did you do?”
Peter stood up and explained what we thought he’d done and he laughed again
“You wouldn’t believe the things people post in here by accident” he said as he unlocked the door and began transferring letters from the box into his sack pausing only once to brandish our £5 note.
We thanked him profusely and went running off down the road and hoped above hope that Mum would still let us spend the hard earned £5 on fireworks.
She was much happier by the time we got home and gave us both a hug before saying
“Now the pair of you had better get to the shop before they close”
“Really?” Peter said
“Yes” Mum said and kissed his forehead
“Just don’t tell your father”
Friday, 22 November 2013
Thanksgiving Gags
Thanksgiving Gags
WHY DID THE TURKEY CROSS THE ROAD? # 2
Why did the turkey cross the road?
There was a very simple reason
It was due to a lack of options for a Turkey
During the Thanksgiving season
WHY DID THE TURKEY CROSS THE ROAD? # 3
Why did the turkey cross the road?
Well contrary to the fable
It was to avoid ending up
On the Thanksgiving table
IF ONLY YOUR LEFT LEG WAS THANKSGIVING
If only your left leg was Thanksgiving
And your right leg was Christmas day
Then I could devote all of my time
To visiting you between the holidays
AT THANKSGIVING TIME
At thanksgiving time
Turkeys, will like as not
Do the thanksgiving dance
Known as the turkey trot
WHY DID THE TURKEY CROSS THE ROAD? # 2
Why did the turkey cross the road?
There was a very simple reason
It was due to a lack of options for a Turkey
During the Thanksgiving season
WHY DID THE TURKEY CROSS THE ROAD? # 3
Why did the turkey cross the road?
Well contrary to the fable
It was to avoid ending up
On the Thanksgiving table
IF ONLY YOUR LEFT LEG WAS THANKSGIVING
If only your left leg was Thanksgiving
And your right leg was Christmas day
Then I could devote all of my time
To visiting you between the holidays
AT THANKSGIVING TIME
At thanksgiving time
Turkeys, will like as not
Do the thanksgiving dance
Known as the turkey trot
This Sporting Life
BACK IN 1966
Back in 1966
When I was just a boy
I was full of pride
Watching Nobby’s jig of joy
And when Bobby Moore
Was raised shoulder high
Holding the World Cup
We all began to cry
I AM PROUD TO SAY THAT I COME
I am proud to say that I come
From a mixed race family
My mum was a sprinter
And dad did cross country
RED SOX
For a Bostonian
At his pleasure
Has a particular calling
When at his leisure
And that’s at Fenway Park
Where he spends the day
With kindred spirits watching
The Red Sox play
BLACK SOX
In the 1919 World Series
The Black Sox scandal took place
When the Chicago White Sox
Much to their disgrace
Threw the series
To the Reds of Cincinnati
An event of epic proportions
That will for ever live in infamy
Back in 1966
When I was just a boy
I was full of pride
Watching Nobby’s jig of joy
And when Bobby Moore
Was raised shoulder high
Holding the World Cup
We all began to cry
I AM PROUD TO SAY THAT I COME
I am proud to say that I come
From a mixed race family
My mum was a sprinter
And dad did cross country
RED SOX
For a Bostonian
At his pleasure
Has a particular calling
When at his leisure
And that’s at Fenway Park
Where he spends the day
With kindred spirits watching
The Red Sox play
BLACK SOX
In the 1919 World Series
The Black Sox scandal took place
When the Chicago White Sox
Much to their disgrace
Threw the series
To the Reds of Cincinnati
An event of epic proportions
That will for ever live in infamy
The Family Way
The Family Way
SIGHTS, SOUNDS, SMELLS, TASTE AND TOUCH # 1
Sights, sounds, smells, taste and touch
It’s funny the things that cause the memories to awake
When all of a sudden memories of Mum flood back
It’s Abide with me and Date and Walnut cake
WHEREVER MY FATHER IS RIGHT NOW # 1
Wherever my father is right now
I’m sure he’s looking down
But assuredly He is not dead
He’s just on the roof stealing lead
SIGHTS, SOUNDS, SMELLS, TASTE AND TOUCH # 2
Sights, sounds, smells, taste and touch
It’s funny the things that cause the memories to awake
When all of a sudden memories of Dad flood back
It’s Pipe tobacco, Geraniums and Madeira Cake
THE LONG WAIT
My Dad had cancer
And from the moment
He had to succumb
It was thirteen years
Before heart failure
Was to take my mum
She was so unhappy,
Partly because
His passing left her numb,
But not only that,
She was angry because
She was the lonely one
He wasn’t supposed
To go first, he was supposed
To mourn mum
So at her funeral
I smiled to myself
Even though I was glum
Thinking about them
Reuniting and the bollocking
That was to come
SIGHTS, SOUNDS, SMELLS, TASTE AND TOUCH # 3
Sights, sounds, smells, taste and touch
It’s funny the things that cause the memories to arise
When all of a sudden memories of my Brother flood back
It’s Barry White, Wine gums and Apple Pies
WHEREVER MY FATHER IS RIGHT NOW # 2
Wherever my father is right now
I’m sure he’s looking down
He’s definitely not dead yet
He’s just a condescending git
SIGHTS, SOUNDS, SMELLS, TASTE AND TOUCH # 1
Sights, sounds, smells, taste and touch
It’s funny the things that cause the memories to awake
When all of a sudden memories of Mum flood back
It’s Abide with me and Date and Walnut cake
WHEREVER MY FATHER IS RIGHT NOW # 1
Wherever my father is right now
I’m sure he’s looking down
But assuredly He is not dead
He’s just on the roof stealing lead
SIGHTS, SOUNDS, SMELLS, TASTE AND TOUCH # 2
Sights, sounds, smells, taste and touch
It’s funny the things that cause the memories to awake
When all of a sudden memories of Dad flood back
It’s Pipe tobacco, Geraniums and Madeira Cake
THE LONG WAIT
My Dad had cancer
And from the moment
He had to succumb
It was thirteen years
Before heart failure
Was to take my mum
She was so unhappy,
Partly because
His passing left her numb,
But not only that,
She was angry because
She was the lonely one
He wasn’t supposed
To go first, he was supposed
To mourn mum
So at her funeral
I smiled to myself
Even though I was glum
Thinking about them
Reuniting and the bollocking
That was to come
SIGHTS, SOUNDS, SMELLS, TASTE AND TOUCH # 3
Sights, sounds, smells, taste and touch
It’s funny the things that cause the memories to arise
When all of a sudden memories of my Brother flood back
It’s Barry White, Wine gums and Apple Pies
WHEREVER MY FATHER IS RIGHT NOW # 2
Wherever my father is right now
I’m sure he’s looking down
He’s definitely not dead yet
He’s just a condescending git
Tales of Love # 10
Tales of Love # 10
I FINALLY FOUND THE ONE
I finally found the one
The one for whom I’d yearned
And everything was going well
Until my fortunes turned
When the joy became sorrow
And I suddenly got burned
RED ROSES
Red roses
For my true love
Each stem symbolic
One for each year
Each unopened bud
A year yet to come
RED SUNSET
The red sunset is for lovers
Who sigh with lovesick bliss
And in the glow of a blood red sky
The lovers stand and kiss
HOW COULD SHE BE REAL?
Is she not a mirage?
Born in my arid heart
To confuse my senses
Conjured from my dreams
To give false hope
This wild imagining
Is so cruelly meant
For someone so unworthy
How could she be real?
I FELL FOR YOU
I fell for you
Like a stone
And I am in heaven
I’m walking on air
As I imagine
Your arms around me
And If you fall for me
You’ll leave me breathless
UNHINGED, UNLOCKED
Unhinged, unlocked
Old wounds reopened
A love turned to hate
The passion and desire
Now for revenge
TOWARDS YOU MY LOVE
Towards you my love
My heart conveys me
Drawn towards your beauty
And your healing heart
The cherished moments
Of your tender embrace
Sustain me on my journey
Towards your open arms
YOUR KISS UPON MY MOUTH
Your kiss upon my mouth
Your breath against my skin
Your almost palpable touch on my heart
A PASSIONATE DESIRE
A passionate desire,
Made manifest
First in a perfect kiss
Then in a carnal embrace
Entwined with you
In an act of bliss
My love for you
Made complete
SOME PEOPLE SEEK
Some people seek
A maelstrom
Or a whirlwind
A breathless passion
Of eternal desire
But for me
I just need to be loved
A KEEP-SAKE
A keep-sake
That speaks of love
A handkerchief
Bearing a lipstick kiss
A rose dried and pressed
Within a weighty tome
A missive couched
In terms of love
Or a photograph
Kept beside your heart
THE LANGUAGE OF LOVE
Sending signals
And reading
The replies
A look or gesture
That holds a message
To be relayed
Is as ancient
As hieroglyphs
And as difficult
To translate
I FINALLY FOUND THE ONE
I finally found the one
The one for whom I’d yearned
And everything was going well
Until my fortunes turned
When the joy became sorrow
And I suddenly got burned
RED ROSES
Red roses
For my true love
Each stem symbolic
One for each year
Each unopened bud
A year yet to come
RED SUNSET
The red sunset is for lovers
Who sigh with lovesick bliss
And in the glow of a blood red sky
The lovers stand and kiss
HOW COULD SHE BE REAL?
Is she not a mirage?
Born in my arid heart
To confuse my senses
Conjured from my dreams
To give false hope
This wild imagining
Is so cruelly meant
For someone so unworthy
How could she be real?
I FELL FOR YOU
I fell for you
Like a stone
And I am in heaven
I’m walking on air
As I imagine
Your arms around me
And If you fall for me
You’ll leave me breathless
UNHINGED, UNLOCKED
Unhinged, unlocked
Old wounds reopened
A love turned to hate
The passion and desire
Now for revenge
TOWARDS YOU MY LOVE
Towards you my love
My heart conveys me
Drawn towards your beauty
And your healing heart
The cherished moments
Of your tender embrace
Sustain me on my journey
Towards your open arms
YOUR KISS UPON MY MOUTH
Your kiss upon my mouth
Your breath against my skin
Your almost palpable touch on my heart
A PASSIONATE DESIRE
A passionate desire,
Made manifest
First in a perfect kiss
Then in a carnal embrace
Entwined with you
In an act of bliss
My love for you
Made complete
SOME PEOPLE SEEK
Some people seek
A maelstrom
Or a whirlwind
A breathless passion
Of eternal desire
But for me
I just need to be loved
A KEEP-SAKE
A keep-sake
That speaks of love
A handkerchief
Bearing a lipstick kiss
A rose dried and pressed
Within a weighty tome
A missive couched
In terms of love
Or a photograph
Kept beside your heart
THE LANGUAGE OF LOVE
Sending signals
And reading
The replies
A look or gesture
That holds a message
To be relayed
Is as ancient
As hieroglyphs
And as difficult
To translate
Tales of Love # 9
Tales of Love # 9
THE COMPASS OF MY HEART
The compass of my heart
Points for all its worth
With unwavering certainty
To the true polar north
It is not easily diverted
Or drawn to any latitude
But remains unerringly
On its northern longitude
IN HER DEEP BLUE EYES
In her deep blue eyes
Blue like the ocean deep
I looked for my reflection
But I couldn’t see it
Then all at once it hit me
Washing over me
Like a tidal wave
And I was left breathless,
Drowning in a sea of love
Then your arms were around me
And we made love
In the breaking waves
RED DRESS
I find that I have to confess
Though she lacks finesse
And her hair is a complete mess
I feel I can no longer suppress
The feelings I want to express
For the girl in the Red Dress
YOU WERE MY ONE AND ONLY # 2
You were my one and only
You were the sun in my sky
Now light has been banished
And I must in the darkness cry
HAIR OF BLACK
Hair of black
Falls untamed
Over ivory skin
Stark in contrast
Like a ravens wing
Against an alabaster sky
YOU TOOK ME FROM A SEA OF COLD
You took me from a sea of cold
You breathed life into me
Brought me back from the dead
Gave wings to my soul
And put music into my heart
I LIVED IN A CHASM OF EMPTINESS
I lived in a chasm of emptiness
A dark void of loneliness
Cold and emotionless
Without purpose or direction
A soulless vessel
Until that blessed moment
When you blew into my heart
Your divine wind
And I was full of love
OH WIND OF LOVE
Oh wind of love,
Blow my way
Have influence over me
Like the moon does the tides
Bring music into the silence
And shine your light
Into every darkened corner
And fill my world with love
THE RED BARN MURDER
At the Old Red Barn
In a Suffolk village
Maria and William
Had a lovers tryst
Romantic young Maria
Thought it was love
And they would elope
And not be missed
But he had other plans
And shot her dead
Burying her in the barn
And escaping into the mist
But just a year later
Billy paid the price
When he met the hangman
In a different kind of tryst
RED SKY AT NIGHT
Red sky at night;
Romantics delight,
When love can start
With an open heart
A LOVE SO STRONG
A love so strong
With depth and tone
Shared by two souls,
Kindred spirits of the heart
Enough love to last
Three lifetimes
So why would such a love,
Such loving feelings,
Not only fade,
But turn to retched hate
FINALLY I FOUND SOMEONE TO LOVE
Finally I found someone to love
Someone caring and nice
Someone who loves me
But it was over in a trice
For I was complacent
And so paid the ultimate price
THE COMPASS OF MY HEART
The compass of my heart
Points for all its worth
With unwavering certainty
To the true polar north
It is not easily diverted
Or drawn to any latitude
But remains unerringly
On its northern longitude
IN HER DEEP BLUE EYES
In her deep blue eyes
Blue like the ocean deep
I looked for my reflection
But I couldn’t see it
Then all at once it hit me
Washing over me
Like a tidal wave
And I was left breathless,
Drowning in a sea of love
Then your arms were around me
And we made love
In the breaking waves
RED DRESS
I find that I have to confess
Though she lacks finesse
And her hair is a complete mess
I feel I can no longer suppress
The feelings I want to express
For the girl in the Red Dress
YOU WERE MY ONE AND ONLY # 2
You were my one and only
You were the sun in my sky
Now light has been banished
And I must in the darkness cry
HAIR OF BLACK
Hair of black
Falls untamed
Over ivory skin
Stark in contrast
Like a ravens wing
Against an alabaster sky
YOU TOOK ME FROM A SEA OF COLD
You took me from a sea of cold
You breathed life into me
Brought me back from the dead
Gave wings to my soul
And put music into my heart
I LIVED IN A CHASM OF EMPTINESS
I lived in a chasm of emptiness
A dark void of loneliness
Cold and emotionless
Without purpose or direction
A soulless vessel
Until that blessed moment
When you blew into my heart
Your divine wind
And I was full of love
OH WIND OF LOVE
Oh wind of love,
Blow my way
Have influence over me
Like the moon does the tides
Bring music into the silence
And shine your light
Into every darkened corner
And fill my world with love
THE RED BARN MURDER
At the Old Red Barn
In a Suffolk village
Maria and William
Had a lovers tryst
Romantic young Maria
Thought it was love
And they would elope
And not be missed
But he had other plans
And shot her dead
Burying her in the barn
And escaping into the mist
But just a year later
Billy paid the price
When he met the hangman
In a different kind of tryst
RED SKY AT NIGHT
Red sky at night;
Romantics delight,
When love can start
With an open heart
A LOVE SO STRONG
A love so strong
With depth and tone
Shared by two souls,
Kindred spirits of the heart
Enough love to last
Three lifetimes
So why would such a love,
Such loving feelings,
Not only fade,
But turn to retched hate
FINALLY I FOUND SOMEONE TO LOVE
Finally I found someone to love
Someone caring and nice
Someone who loves me
But it was over in a trice
For I was complacent
And so paid the ultimate price
Tales of Love # 8
Tales of Love # 8
IN ORDER TO BE SECURE
In order to be secure
I have to be sure
That our love will last
And expectations passed
Before I can agree
To give everything of me
SHE WAS A FORCE OF NATURE
When she was a young woman
She was a force of nature
But she is a force to be reckoned with
Now she is mature
WHEN I FIRST LAID EYES ON HER
When I first laid eyes on her
It was with music in my heart
And poetry in my soul
It was she who possessed the love
Which she brought into my life
A love she generously shared
And then I fell in love with her
SHE WAS ALWAYS MORE TO ME
She was always more to me
Than just a wonderful wife
She was quite simply
The rhyme and hue of life
HORSES FOR COURSES
Horses for courses
Or opposites attracting
There is no formula
At times of interacting
It doesn’t matter
If they are that or this
I just know in my heart
I’m a hit for my miss
THE IDLE RHYTHM
The idle rhythm
Of Her song
Soothes the soul
And cools like balm
The molten heat
Of raw desire
WITH A HEART FULL TO THE BRIM
With a heart full to the brim
With love and passion
I promised her this
She would forever occupy my heart
And possess my very soul
From the moment we kissed
OH SWEET HEART
Oh sweet heart
I yearned for you, until
That first moment
Of that exquisite thrill
Oh sweet heart
I yearned for you
When you left me
Lonely and blue
Oh sweet heart
I can’t take this bitter pill
I yearned for you
I yearn for you still
HAIR OF SILVER
Hair of silver
Falls untamed
Over blemished skin
In perfect compliment
Graceful aging
And timeless beauty
I FIRST MET ANDREA
I first met Andrea
Beneath a stone grey sky
In the barren frost covered fields
Where the raspberry canes would grow
Her cheeks were as red
As the expectant fruit
And hair the shade of chestnut wood
Breath plumed as she spoke
And her nose dripped in the cold
Laughter followed her
And her lips always bore a smile
As we toiled in the canes
All day long with knife and twine
And I fell in love with the girl
Whose hair was chestnut brown
Amongst the raspberry canes of autumn
WHAT ARE THE POINT OF PEARLS?
What are the point of pearls?
If not strung in elaborate swirls
About the necks of pretty girls
Or on tiaras amidst their curls
For Girls bring lustre to the pearls
And pearls add beauty to the girls
SEND ME ON A QUEST
Send me on a quest
To win your heart
Set me any task
And I will do my part
Across any ocean
I will gladly sail
Through seas of calm
And force ten gale
Across any mountain
I will gladly climb
No matter how long
I will take the time
Across any desert
On my hands and knees
I will whatever
I must do to please
IN ORDER TO BE SECURE
In order to be secure
I have to be sure
That our love will last
And expectations passed
Before I can agree
To give everything of me
SHE WAS A FORCE OF NATURE
When she was a young woman
She was a force of nature
But she is a force to be reckoned with
Now she is mature
WHEN I FIRST LAID EYES ON HER
When I first laid eyes on her
It was with music in my heart
And poetry in my soul
It was she who possessed the love
Which she brought into my life
A love she generously shared
And then I fell in love with her
SHE WAS ALWAYS MORE TO ME
She was always more to me
Than just a wonderful wife
She was quite simply
The rhyme and hue of life
HORSES FOR COURSES
Horses for courses
Or opposites attracting
There is no formula
At times of interacting
It doesn’t matter
If they are that or this
I just know in my heart
I’m a hit for my miss
THE IDLE RHYTHM
The idle rhythm
Of Her song
Soothes the soul
And cools like balm
The molten heat
Of raw desire
WITH A HEART FULL TO THE BRIM
With a heart full to the brim
With love and passion
I promised her this
She would forever occupy my heart
And possess my very soul
From the moment we kissed
OH SWEET HEART
Oh sweet heart
I yearned for you, until
That first moment
Of that exquisite thrill
Oh sweet heart
I yearned for you
When you left me
Lonely and blue
Oh sweet heart
I can’t take this bitter pill
I yearned for you
I yearn for you still
HAIR OF SILVER
Hair of silver
Falls untamed
Over blemished skin
In perfect compliment
Graceful aging
And timeless beauty
I FIRST MET ANDREA
I first met Andrea
Beneath a stone grey sky
In the barren frost covered fields
Where the raspberry canes would grow
Her cheeks were as red
As the expectant fruit
And hair the shade of chestnut wood
Breath plumed as she spoke
And her nose dripped in the cold
Laughter followed her
And her lips always bore a smile
As we toiled in the canes
All day long with knife and twine
And I fell in love with the girl
Whose hair was chestnut brown
Amongst the raspberry canes of autumn
WHAT ARE THE POINT OF PEARLS?
What are the point of pearls?
If not strung in elaborate swirls
About the necks of pretty girls
Or on tiaras amidst their curls
For Girls bring lustre to the pearls
And pearls add beauty to the girls
SEND ME ON A QUEST
Send me on a quest
To win your heart
Set me any task
And I will do my part
Across any ocean
I will gladly sail
Through seas of calm
And force ten gale
Across any mountain
I will gladly climb
No matter how long
I will take the time
Across any desert
On my hands and knees
I will whatever
I must do to please
True Nature # 2
True Nature # 2
RED BERRIES
Red Berries grow
In abundance
On the holly bush
As the snow falls
Nature’s bounty
On the bough
Mother Nature
Stocking her Larder
For the long bitter
Winter to come
WHITE BERRIES
White berries grow
In abundance
On the mistletoe
As the snow falls
Nature’s bounty
On the bough
Mother Nature
Stocking her Larder
For the long bitter
Winter to come
RED BREASTED ROBIN
Red Breasted Robin
Sitting on the fence
With snow falling
God that bird is dense
Sitting out there exposed
Out in all weathers
Trying to look cute
As it freezes its feathers
RED BERRIES
Red Berries grow
In abundance
On the holly bush
As the snow falls
Nature’s bounty
On the bough
Mother Nature
Stocking her Larder
For the long bitter
Winter to come
WHITE BERRIES
White berries grow
In abundance
On the mistletoe
As the snow falls
Nature’s bounty
On the bough
Mother Nature
Stocking her Larder
For the long bitter
Winter to come
RED BREASTED ROBIN
Red Breasted Robin
Sitting on the fence
With snow falling
God that bird is dense
Sitting out there exposed
Out in all weathers
Trying to look cute
As it freezes its feathers
A Little Bit Of Humour # 34
RED FLANNEL NIGHTY
In your Red flannel nighty
But if I might say politely
You certainly don’t look flighty
But in regard to your flannel nighty
I don’t take my objective lightly
Which is to get inside it nightly
I CAN’T WATCH SYLVESTER STALLONE
I can’t watch Sylvester Stallone
I find his speech very distracting
He was clearly a graduate
Of the Mumbling school of acting
RED FLANNEL PJ’S
In your Red flannel PJ’s
You look quite a picture
Wrapped in the warm
Wool and cotton mixture
But as cosy as you look
I will immediately begin
To unbutton your PJ’s
And warm my hands within
WORDS ARE VERY IMPORTANT
Words are very important
Encyclopedia is one I like
But it doesn’t actually mean
A kiddie fiddler on a bike
THE LATEST WAY OF THINKING
Apparently the latest
Way of thinking
Is that there are
No such thing as facts
And that’s a fact
I DO PREFER NATURAL BEAUTY
I saw her and thought “not a fan”
She was all extensions and fake tan
And she’d applied the slap thick
And her lips needed a chap stick
I thought it again as she left lipstick
Around my undiscerning dipstick
VESUVIUS
Vesuvius is what
We called my sister Grace
It was because of all the
Eruptions on her face
A PAIR OF THERMOMETERS
What is the difference?
Between a pair of thermometers
Take your time don’t haste
One is oral the other rectal
It’s very simple really
The difference is the taste
I STRUGGLE WITH CERTAIN ACTORS
I struggle with certain actors
When giving cinematic recitals
Like De Niro and Pacino
They should come with subtitles
I HAVE SOMETHING OF A WEAKNESS
I have something of a weakness
I suppose it’s my Achilles
But I’m an old fashioned letch
So I like fillies in frillies
In your Red flannel nighty
But if I might say politely
You certainly don’t look flighty
But in regard to your flannel nighty
I don’t take my objective lightly
Which is to get inside it nightly
I CAN’T WATCH SYLVESTER STALLONE
I can’t watch Sylvester Stallone
I find his speech very distracting
He was clearly a graduate
Of the Mumbling school of acting
RED FLANNEL PJ’S
In your Red flannel PJ’s
You look quite a picture
Wrapped in the warm
Wool and cotton mixture
But as cosy as you look
I will immediately begin
To unbutton your PJ’s
And warm my hands within
WORDS ARE VERY IMPORTANT
Words are very important
Encyclopedia is one I like
But it doesn’t actually mean
A kiddie fiddler on a bike
THE LATEST WAY OF THINKING
Apparently the latest
Way of thinking
Is that there are
No such thing as facts
And that’s a fact
I DO PREFER NATURAL BEAUTY
I saw her and thought “not a fan”
She was all extensions and fake tan
And she’d applied the slap thick
And her lips needed a chap stick
I thought it again as she left lipstick
Around my undiscerning dipstick
VESUVIUS
Vesuvius is what
We called my sister Grace
It was because of all the
Eruptions on her face
A PAIR OF THERMOMETERS
What is the difference?
Between a pair of thermometers
Take your time don’t haste
One is oral the other rectal
It’s very simple really
The difference is the taste
I STRUGGLE WITH CERTAIN ACTORS
I struggle with certain actors
When giving cinematic recitals
Like De Niro and Pacino
They should come with subtitles
I HAVE SOMETHING OF A WEAKNESS
I have something of a weakness
I suppose it’s my Achilles
But I’m an old fashioned letch
So I like fillies in frillies
A Little Bit Of Humour # 33
ARE YOU WEARING WHITE SHOES?
Are you wearing white shoes?
I don’t know the wrongs or rights
But I’m quite sure you shouldn’t
Wear white shoes with black tights
RED SHOES
Stiletto healed red shoes
Are of such seductive hues
That when they come into view
They arouse a man anew
I WENT TO PC WORLD
I went to PC World
I saw computers
With or without a screen
Keyboards and mice
But there wasn’t
A policeman to be seen
ARE YOU WEARING AN ANKLE BRACELET?
Are you wearing an ankle bracelet?
What is the significance? I forget
On one ankle you’re just crumpet
On the other you’re a strumpet
RED FERRARI
Me and a Red Ferrari
Are not best suited are we?
For I can get in easily
But can’t get out with dignity
OH DEAR WHAT CAN THE MATTER BE
Oh dear what can the matter be
Three old ladies locked in the lavatory
And it all happened last Saturday
And nobody knew they were there
The first old lady was totally batty
And she was in there each Saturday
As I say she was really quite batty
And nobody cared she was there
The second old lady said sweetly
“I’m no lady oh how you flatter me”
I’ve not been here before on a Saturday
And we were surprised she was there
The third old lady was an anomaly
He was a man called Ian from Battersea
He didn’t even know it was Saturday
And didn’t know why he was there
I CAN’T WATCH CHRISTOPHER ECCLESTON
I can’t watch Christopher Eccleston
I find his speech very distracting
He was clearly a graduate
Of the shouty school of acting
RED ROSE
Red rose carried no blush
She was not an English flower
Red rose was not prettily fragranced
She was not sweet, but sour
Red rose though of English genus
Was a spy for a Marxist power
RED DOOR
What is behind the red door?
Does danger lurk out of view?
Why do I hesitate before knocking?
Just because of its crimson hue
I have no answer but I do know this
I would not hesitate if it were blue
RED BLOODED
I like to think
I’m a red blooded man
I love the female form
I’m definitely a fan
But I’m old fashioned
Red blooded man or no
But there’s just a bit
Too much on show
RED LEATHER
She wore red leather
From head to toe
Which subtly squeaked
As she went to and fro
It hugged her figure
And she smelt divine
That new car smell
Is a favourite of mine
That leather clad lass
In the red leather suit
Without doing anything
Could toot my flute
RED FEATHERS
She Wears Red Feathers
And a Huly-Huly Skirt
Or so the old song goes
To me she sounds like a flirt
Let’s see how alluring she is
In Primark joggers and T-shirt
Are you wearing white shoes?
I don’t know the wrongs or rights
But I’m quite sure you shouldn’t
Wear white shoes with black tights
RED SHOES
Stiletto healed red shoes
Are of such seductive hues
That when they come into view
They arouse a man anew
I WENT TO PC WORLD
I went to PC World
I saw computers
With or without a screen
Keyboards and mice
But there wasn’t
A policeman to be seen
ARE YOU WEARING AN ANKLE BRACELET?
Are you wearing an ankle bracelet?
What is the significance? I forget
On one ankle you’re just crumpet
On the other you’re a strumpet
RED FERRARI
Me and a Red Ferrari
Are not best suited are we?
For I can get in easily
But can’t get out with dignity
OH DEAR WHAT CAN THE MATTER BE
Oh dear what can the matter be
Three old ladies locked in the lavatory
And it all happened last Saturday
And nobody knew they were there
The first old lady was totally batty
And she was in there each Saturday
As I say she was really quite batty
And nobody cared she was there
The second old lady said sweetly
“I’m no lady oh how you flatter me”
I’ve not been here before on a Saturday
And we were surprised she was there
The third old lady was an anomaly
He was a man called Ian from Battersea
He didn’t even know it was Saturday
And didn’t know why he was there
I CAN’T WATCH CHRISTOPHER ECCLESTON
I can’t watch Christopher Eccleston
I find his speech very distracting
He was clearly a graduate
Of the shouty school of acting
RED ROSE
Red rose carried no blush
She was not an English flower
Red rose was not prettily fragranced
She was not sweet, but sour
Red rose though of English genus
Was a spy for a Marxist power
RED DOOR
What is behind the red door?
Does danger lurk out of view?
Why do I hesitate before knocking?
Just because of its crimson hue
I have no answer but I do know this
I would not hesitate if it were blue
RED BLOODED
I like to think
I’m a red blooded man
I love the female form
I’m definitely a fan
But I’m old fashioned
Red blooded man or no
But there’s just a bit
Too much on show
RED LEATHER
She wore red leather
From head to toe
Which subtly squeaked
As she went to and fro
It hugged her figure
And she smelt divine
That new car smell
Is a favourite of mine
That leather clad lass
In the red leather suit
Without doing anything
Could toot my flute
RED FEATHERS
She Wears Red Feathers
And a Huly-Huly Skirt
Or so the old song goes
To me she sounds like a flirt
Let’s see how alluring she is
In Primark joggers and T-shirt
Monday, 4 November 2013
Walking With God By My Side
CALLING ALL YOU ANGELS
Calling all you Angels
Amidst the heavenly host
Come in the name of God,
Father, Son and Holy Ghost
Answer the clarion call
Of the sombre Last Post
And take the fallen hero
Amidst the heavenly host
GOD SAT UPON HIS THRONE
God sat upon his throne
In the presence of the chosen
All was well in paradise
It was a special day in heaven
There was a quiet mutter abroad
And the flutter of Angels wings
Before a silent hush descended
And the heavenly chorus sings
WITHIN THE SILENT ECHO
Within the silent echo
Of the last rites
As the last words of life
Reluctantly give way
To the first words of death
God reaches out his hand
And you alluringly ascend
On comforting wings
GOD IS ON THE WEB
God is on the Web waiting for your prayer
You can easily find Him if you look around
There is no video link, Skype or live chat
But if you have faith it will be profound
Of course if an atheist was to click the link
It would respond with “Page not found”
I HEAR AN ANGEL SINGING
In the quiet of the night
When peaceful silence reigns
I hear an angel singing
And I wonder if it’s you
Amidst the chorus of the dawn
When birds are centre stage
I hear an angel singing
And I ponder if it’s you
When the wind is in the trees
Swirling in the breeze
I hear an angel singing
And I think it might be you
When the rain cascades
Down from the heavens
I hear an angel singing
And I’m sure it must be you
When the sun shines brightly
And its warmth is on my skin
I hear an angel singing
And I believe it may be you
At the setting of the sun
When another day is done
I hear an angel singing
And I know that it is you
ON MYSTICAL QUESTS
On mystical quests
The medieval knights
Sought the Holy Grail
They journeyed far
And widely searched
For a fine Golden cup
Bejewelled with gems
A challis fit for a King
Used at the last supper
By Christ himself
But these brave knights
Were doomed to fail
Christ did not live as a King
He was a Carpenter
And a poor carpenters cup
Would not have been
Crafted in Gold
And encrusted with Jewels
It would be a simple cup
Carved from wood
A humble vessel
For the son of God
WALK WITH GOD ALONG THE PATH OF LIFE
Walk with God along the path of life
When a spring is in your step
And at times when you must trudge
He will be your companion
So feel the blood of life course
And feel his love course with it
With every beat of your heart
As you walk with God
BEYOND THE SILVER MOUNTAINS
Beyond the silver mountains
Lies the undiscovered country
Where I will pass into the blue
And you will be there to meet me
I will walk over the mountains
And join you in God’s country
In the peace beyond the tears
And be together for eternity
RED DAWN
The Red Dawn of a new day
A glimpse of heaven
Signifying a new beginning
Another precious gift
Another day of life
Not to be squandered
But be accepted
In the spirit it was given
Calling all you Angels
Amidst the heavenly host
Come in the name of God,
Father, Son and Holy Ghost
Answer the clarion call
Of the sombre Last Post
And take the fallen hero
Amidst the heavenly host
GOD SAT UPON HIS THRONE
God sat upon his throne
In the presence of the chosen
All was well in paradise
It was a special day in heaven
There was a quiet mutter abroad
And the flutter of Angels wings
Before a silent hush descended
And the heavenly chorus sings
WITHIN THE SILENT ECHO
Within the silent echo
Of the last rites
As the last words of life
Reluctantly give way
To the first words of death
God reaches out his hand
And you alluringly ascend
On comforting wings
GOD IS ON THE WEB
God is on the Web waiting for your prayer
You can easily find Him if you look around
There is no video link, Skype or live chat
But if you have faith it will be profound
Of course if an atheist was to click the link
It would respond with “Page not found”
I HEAR AN ANGEL SINGING
In the quiet of the night
When peaceful silence reigns
I hear an angel singing
And I wonder if it’s you
Amidst the chorus of the dawn
When birds are centre stage
I hear an angel singing
And I ponder if it’s you
When the wind is in the trees
Swirling in the breeze
I hear an angel singing
And I think it might be you
When the rain cascades
Down from the heavens
I hear an angel singing
And I’m sure it must be you
When the sun shines brightly
And its warmth is on my skin
I hear an angel singing
And I believe it may be you
At the setting of the sun
When another day is done
I hear an angel singing
And I know that it is you
ON MYSTICAL QUESTS
On mystical quests
The medieval knights
Sought the Holy Grail
They journeyed far
And widely searched
For a fine Golden cup
Bejewelled with gems
A challis fit for a King
Used at the last supper
By Christ himself
But these brave knights
Were doomed to fail
Christ did not live as a King
He was a Carpenter
And a poor carpenters cup
Would not have been
Crafted in Gold
And encrusted with Jewels
It would be a simple cup
Carved from wood
A humble vessel
For the son of God
WALK WITH GOD ALONG THE PATH OF LIFE
Walk with God along the path of life
When a spring is in your step
And at times when you must trudge
He will be your companion
So feel the blood of life course
And feel his love course with it
With every beat of your heart
As you walk with God
BEYOND THE SILVER MOUNTAINS
Beyond the silver mountains
Lies the undiscovered country
Where I will pass into the blue
And you will be there to meet me
I will walk over the mountains
And join you in God’s country
In the peace beyond the tears
And be together for eternity
RED DAWN
The Red Dawn of a new day
A glimpse of heaven
Signifying a new beginning
Another precious gift
Another day of life
Not to be squandered
But be accepted
In the spirit it was given
A Mixed Bag
SAVAGERY LONG SINCE PROCURED
Savagery long since procured
Its inhumane and bestial song
And its uncivilised beat
Is known to the barbarous throng
Whose ferocity knows no bounds
As it perpetrates its brutal wrong
HOMOSEXUALITY IS NOT A DISEASE
Homosexuality is not a disease
Nor is it against God or his word
And being “Different” is not a crime
It is neither unnatural nor abhorrent
No one cares if Adam loves Steve
Instead of loving Eve
There is no right way or wrong way
For matters of the heart
What matters is that they feel love
Love is indifferent to philosophy,
Theological perspective or social acceptability
There is no good love or bad love
There is no right love or wrong love
There is only love
And any relationship founded on love
Has my blessing
HOW SINGS THE SAVAGE BEAST
How Sings the savage beast
With a heart full of misery
When held within the narrow
Bounds of his captivity
How Sings the savage beast
With a heart full of joy
When his confines evaporate
And he is as free as a boy
IT’S NOT THE SIZE OF A MAN
It’s not the size of a man
That marks him high or low
It’s what is in their hearts
That makes them grow
Just look around you
And you will also know
That the smaller being
Can cast a giant shadow
STATE SANCTIONED ASSASSINATION
State sanctioned assassination
Of a foreign émigré
But Polonium poisoning
Seems a preposterous way
To assassinate anyone
Whatever anyone might say
THE ENGLAND OF WINSTON
The England of Winston
Did it ever exist?
Those days long past
When we had our finest hour
The England of Winston
When national pride
Was not frowned upon
But openly celebrated
The England of Winston
Must be an invention
For it is so far removed
From what I see today
England without Winston
Is not pride worthy
It has no identity
And no sense of itself
THE WHITE HORIZONTAL PLUME
The white horizontal plume
Streams in its wake
Like a long grey ribbon
As the locomotive powers on
A truly romantic image
Of the great age of steam
GLIENICKE BRIDGE
On a grey misty morning
Under cold war skies
Spanning the Havel River
Stood the Bridge of Spies
Where in the murky light
At the hour of the Lark
The faceless ones
Exchange agents in the dark
RED ARROWS
Red Arrows way up high
In tight formation fly
Weaving patterns across the sky
So pleasing to the eye
RED BRICK
Red Brick, built Britain
For common man and squire
Built from the ground up
Until they built an Empire
THE RED RIVER OF THE SOUTH
The Red River of the south
Gains it name
From the red-bed country
Of its watershed
Where it rises on the slopes
Of the Llano Estacado mesa
In two branches to flow east
From the Texas Panhandle
It acts as the border between
Texas and Oklahoma
Before entering Arkansas
And winds its way across
The arid lands of the Great Plains
And flows into Louisiana
Bound for the Mississippi
THE RED RIVER OF THE NORTH
The Red River of the North
Is born at the confluence
Of the Bois de Sioux
And the Otter Tail
Flowing north through
The Red River Valley,
Forming the border
Of Minnesota and North Dakota
On its journey into Manitoba
Where it washes into Lake Winnipeg
And spreads into the vast deltaic wetland
Known as Netley Marsh
RED LEATHER CHAIR
My earliest memory
Of Grandpa Henry
Is of him sat in his chair,
A red leather affair,
Reading a volume
Of prose in his room
He sat me on his knee
And then he read to me
And for an age, we pair
Sat in his red leather chair
Reading tales of daring
And in adventures sharing
RED MINI
My dad bought a new red Mini
He had it parked up at home
With a go faster stripe down the side
And brightly polished chrome
It had leather seats
And the dash was polished wood
It was nineteen sixty two
And it looked like a Mini should
GREEN LEATHER CHESTERFIELD
In green leathered comfort
I sat in a Chesterfield
In an atmosphere
That totally appealed
Among my piers
In silent appreciation
Almost a reverence
Of our quiet situation
A brandy on the table
A cigar in the ash tray
And the world held
Well and truly at bay
I WAS STUCK IN TRAFFIC
I was stuck in traffic
And cursing they delay
And whatever problem
That was in the way
There was an accident
Bike versus van
Resulting in Life changing
Injuries To a man
And my one concern
Had been the inconvenience
But though I was late
I was not as a consequence
Left unable to walk
Or injured in anyway
Yes I was late for work
But I was still ok
BACK IN SMOGGY BERMONDSEY
When we were back
In smoggy Bermondsey
And all the money was spent
We looked back fondly
On our September holiday
Picking hops in Kent
Savagery long since procured
Its inhumane and bestial song
And its uncivilised beat
Is known to the barbarous throng
Whose ferocity knows no bounds
As it perpetrates its brutal wrong
HOMOSEXUALITY IS NOT A DISEASE
Homosexuality is not a disease
Nor is it against God or his word
And being “Different” is not a crime
It is neither unnatural nor abhorrent
No one cares if Adam loves Steve
Instead of loving Eve
There is no right way or wrong way
For matters of the heart
What matters is that they feel love
Love is indifferent to philosophy,
Theological perspective or social acceptability
There is no good love or bad love
There is no right love or wrong love
There is only love
And any relationship founded on love
Has my blessing
HOW SINGS THE SAVAGE BEAST
How Sings the savage beast
With a heart full of misery
When held within the narrow
Bounds of his captivity
How Sings the savage beast
With a heart full of joy
When his confines evaporate
And he is as free as a boy
IT’S NOT THE SIZE OF A MAN
It’s not the size of a man
That marks him high or low
It’s what is in their hearts
That makes them grow
Just look around you
And you will also know
That the smaller being
Can cast a giant shadow
STATE SANCTIONED ASSASSINATION
State sanctioned assassination
Of a foreign émigré
But Polonium poisoning
Seems a preposterous way
To assassinate anyone
Whatever anyone might say
THE ENGLAND OF WINSTON
The England of Winston
Did it ever exist?
Those days long past
When we had our finest hour
The England of Winston
When national pride
Was not frowned upon
But openly celebrated
The England of Winston
Must be an invention
For it is so far removed
From what I see today
England without Winston
Is not pride worthy
It has no identity
And no sense of itself
THE WHITE HORIZONTAL PLUME
The white horizontal plume
Streams in its wake
Like a long grey ribbon
As the locomotive powers on
A truly romantic image
Of the great age of steam
GLIENICKE BRIDGE
On a grey misty morning
Under cold war skies
Spanning the Havel River
Stood the Bridge of Spies
Where in the murky light
At the hour of the Lark
The faceless ones
Exchange agents in the dark
RED ARROWS
Red Arrows way up high
In tight formation fly
Weaving patterns across the sky
So pleasing to the eye
RED BRICK
Red Brick, built Britain
For common man and squire
Built from the ground up
Until they built an Empire
THE RED RIVER OF THE SOUTH
The Red River of the south
Gains it name
From the red-bed country
Of its watershed
Where it rises on the slopes
Of the Llano Estacado mesa
In two branches to flow east
From the Texas Panhandle
It acts as the border between
Texas and Oklahoma
Before entering Arkansas
And winds its way across
The arid lands of the Great Plains
And flows into Louisiana
Bound for the Mississippi
THE RED RIVER OF THE NORTH
The Red River of the North
Is born at the confluence
Of the Bois de Sioux
And the Otter Tail
Flowing north through
The Red River Valley,
Forming the border
Of Minnesota and North Dakota
On its journey into Manitoba
Where it washes into Lake Winnipeg
And spreads into the vast deltaic wetland
Known as Netley Marsh
RED LEATHER CHAIR
My earliest memory
Of Grandpa Henry
Is of him sat in his chair,
A red leather affair,
Reading a volume
Of prose in his room
He sat me on his knee
And then he read to me
And for an age, we pair
Sat in his red leather chair
Reading tales of daring
And in adventures sharing
RED MINI
My dad bought a new red Mini
He had it parked up at home
With a go faster stripe down the side
And brightly polished chrome
It had leather seats
And the dash was polished wood
It was nineteen sixty two
And it looked like a Mini should
GREEN LEATHER CHESTERFIELD
In green leathered comfort
I sat in a Chesterfield
In an atmosphere
That totally appealed
Among my piers
In silent appreciation
Almost a reverence
Of our quiet situation
A brandy on the table
A cigar in the ash tray
And the world held
Well and truly at bay
I WAS STUCK IN TRAFFIC
I was stuck in traffic
And cursing they delay
And whatever problem
That was in the way
There was an accident
Bike versus van
Resulting in Life changing
Injuries To a man
And my one concern
Had been the inconvenience
But though I was late
I was not as a consequence
Left unable to walk
Or injured in anyway
Yes I was late for work
But I was still ok
BACK IN SMOGGY BERMONDSEY
When we were back
In smoggy Bermondsey
And all the money was spent
We looked back fondly
On our September holiday
Picking hops in Kent
A Little Bit Of Humour # 32
HIS LATE GRACE
When my uncle
Passed away last night
He was given
The last rites
By a Bishop, who
Missed it very nearly
As he could only
Move diagonally
MATHS PROBLEMS
The American’s must
Suffer from innumeracy
As they only have one math
As far as I can see
MY BROTHER TEACHES
My brother teaches
Year nine history
Which in itself
Is a bit of a mystery
As there are more
Interesting years surely
SUPER HEROES COME
Super heroes come
In all shapes and forms
Which is fair enough
But what kind of hero
Is Iron Man,
Ironing isn’t even tough
I TOLD PEOPLE THAT MY UNCLE
I told people that my uncle
Worked for the United Nations
And it was an illusion I enjoyed
That was not strictly the truth
But it was close enough
After all he was UNemployed
I SIGNED UP FOR BOTANY
When I was at school
I signed up for Botany
I thought any class about “bots”
Is the one for me
FESTIVAL TOILETS
At the festival toilets
There was a bit of a queue
Which got a bit out of hand
To my view
But we all survived
The Battle of Portaloo
MY UNCLE MICHAEL
My Uncle Michael
Was a schizophrenic
But he was good people
Was Uncle Mick
I LOST MY BOOMERANG
I lost my boomerang
I can’t remember where or how
Oh wait a minute
It’s coming back to me now
MY POOR UNCLE TURNED TO CRIME
My poor uncle turned to crime
Him and an incompetent friend
They got caught with a shotgun
And he sawed off the wrong end
WHITE SHOES
Stiletto healed white shoes
Being worn out to a party
Well in my personal view
They make you look tarty
RED SKY IN THE MORNING
Red sky in the morning
As the day is dawning
Is a sailors warning they say
But really it’s just another day
When my uncle
Passed away last night
He was given
The last rites
By a Bishop, who
Missed it very nearly
As he could only
Move diagonally
MATHS PROBLEMS
The American’s must
Suffer from innumeracy
As they only have one math
As far as I can see
MY BROTHER TEACHES
My brother teaches
Year nine history
Which in itself
Is a bit of a mystery
As there are more
Interesting years surely
SUPER HEROES COME
Super heroes come
In all shapes and forms
Which is fair enough
But what kind of hero
Is Iron Man,
Ironing isn’t even tough
I TOLD PEOPLE THAT MY UNCLE
I told people that my uncle
Worked for the United Nations
And it was an illusion I enjoyed
That was not strictly the truth
But it was close enough
After all he was UNemployed
I SIGNED UP FOR BOTANY
When I was at school
I signed up for Botany
I thought any class about “bots”
Is the one for me
FESTIVAL TOILETS
At the festival toilets
There was a bit of a queue
Which got a bit out of hand
To my view
But we all survived
The Battle of Portaloo
MY UNCLE MICHAEL
My Uncle Michael
Was a schizophrenic
But he was good people
Was Uncle Mick
I LOST MY BOOMERANG
I lost my boomerang
I can’t remember where or how
Oh wait a minute
It’s coming back to me now
MY POOR UNCLE TURNED TO CRIME
My poor uncle turned to crime
Him and an incompetent friend
They got caught with a shotgun
And he sawed off the wrong end
WHITE SHOES
Stiletto healed white shoes
Being worn out to a party
Well in my personal view
They make you look tarty
RED SKY IN THE MORNING
Red sky in the morning
As the day is dawning
Is a sailors warning they say
But really it’s just another day
Tales of Love # 7
HAIR OF RED
Hair of red
Falls untamed
Over ivory skin
Stark in contrast
Like a crimson rose
Against bridal white
IT WAS MY GOOD FORTUNE
It was my good fortune
That you came my way
For like a broom you swept
My loneliness away
TOUCHED BY THE GODDESS
Touched by the goddess
Our hearts surrendered
As Venus worked her spell of love
And nothing could break the bond
That fitted us perfectly
Like a hand inside a glove
So strong were the bonds
That entwined our hearts
And held us prisoners of love
Only death could part us
And I am now haunted
By the call of the mourning Dove
YOU VIEW LOVE AS A SNARE
You view love as a snare
Of ordinary everyday life
And won’t be trapped into
The ritual taking of a wife
But who will support and
Comfort in times of strife
If you don’t open your heart
To the simple joys of life
THE LOVE THAT DARE NOT SPEAK ITS NAME
The love that dare not
Speak its name
For fear of bringing
Upon them, shame
Denial of their love
Would be a cruel betrayal
For inside they knew
It was perpetual
Try as the families might
It would not be swept
Beneath a convenient carpet
Their bond was kept
And when they were safe
Behind a closed door
Their love was expressed
As true lovers adore
IF LONELINESS IS YOUR FEAR
If loneliness is your fear
There’s no need to shed a tear
For the solution is clear
Just find a love sincere
Someone to hold dear
And watch sadness disappear
OH FOR A SIGHT OF YOUR SMILE
Oh for a sight of your smile
Soothing as chamomile
To ease away my frown
Picking me up when I’m down
MY BROWN EYED FRAU
Where are you now
My brown eyed frau
It breaks my heart
Now that we’re apart
Sugar sweet brunette
My dearest Margaret
Wherever you might be
Come back to me
WHEN I PLIGHT MY TROTH
I don’t understand even though
I wear my heart on my sleeve
When I plight my troth
You find it so difficult to believe
I have never hidden my feelings
But I would not have plighted
Should I, for a moment, thought
They would not have been requited
A SPECIAL WORD FOR A SPECIAL GIRL
A “special” word for a “special” girl
Modesty prevents you saying its true
But if the word “special” didn’t exist
It would have to be invented just for you
HAIR OF BROWN
Hair of brown
Falls in cascade
Over freckled skin
In perfect compliment
Like forest fronds
And dappled shade
KOWTOW IN MACAO
Do you remember?
In old Macao
I greeted you
With an elaborate bow
You responded
With a formal Kowtow
Then I said hello
And you said Ciao
But the formality
Was just for show
So anyone looking
Just wouldn’t know
That the two of us
In that tableaux
Were more familiar
And all aglow
In the privacy
Of the chateaux
Hair of red
Falls untamed
Over ivory skin
Stark in contrast
Like a crimson rose
Against bridal white
IT WAS MY GOOD FORTUNE
It was my good fortune
That you came my way
For like a broom you swept
My loneliness away
TOUCHED BY THE GODDESS
Touched by the goddess
Our hearts surrendered
As Venus worked her spell of love
And nothing could break the bond
That fitted us perfectly
Like a hand inside a glove
So strong were the bonds
That entwined our hearts
And held us prisoners of love
Only death could part us
And I am now haunted
By the call of the mourning Dove
YOU VIEW LOVE AS A SNARE
You view love as a snare
Of ordinary everyday life
And won’t be trapped into
The ritual taking of a wife
But who will support and
Comfort in times of strife
If you don’t open your heart
To the simple joys of life
THE LOVE THAT DARE NOT SPEAK ITS NAME
The love that dare not
Speak its name
For fear of bringing
Upon them, shame
Denial of their love
Would be a cruel betrayal
For inside they knew
It was perpetual
Try as the families might
It would not be swept
Beneath a convenient carpet
Their bond was kept
And when they were safe
Behind a closed door
Their love was expressed
As true lovers adore
IF LONELINESS IS YOUR FEAR
If loneliness is your fear
There’s no need to shed a tear
For the solution is clear
Just find a love sincere
Someone to hold dear
And watch sadness disappear
OH FOR A SIGHT OF YOUR SMILE
Oh for a sight of your smile
Soothing as chamomile
To ease away my frown
Picking me up when I’m down
MY BROWN EYED FRAU
Where are you now
My brown eyed frau
It breaks my heart
Now that we’re apart
Sugar sweet brunette
My dearest Margaret
Wherever you might be
Come back to me
WHEN I PLIGHT MY TROTH
I don’t understand even though
I wear my heart on my sleeve
When I plight my troth
You find it so difficult to believe
I have never hidden my feelings
But I would not have plighted
Should I, for a moment, thought
They would not have been requited
A SPECIAL WORD FOR A SPECIAL GIRL
A “special” word for a “special” girl
Modesty prevents you saying its true
But if the word “special” didn’t exist
It would have to be invented just for you
HAIR OF BROWN
Hair of brown
Falls in cascade
Over freckled skin
In perfect compliment
Like forest fronds
And dappled shade
KOWTOW IN MACAO
Do you remember?
In old Macao
I greeted you
With an elaborate bow
You responded
With a formal Kowtow
Then I said hello
And you said Ciao
But the formality
Was just for show
So anyone looking
Just wouldn’t know
That the two of us
In that tableaux
Were more familiar
And all aglow
In the privacy
Of the chateaux
The Winds Of War
BLUE DANUBE
It was called Blue Danube, which
Doesn’t sound menacing at all
So innocuous for the first operational
Weapon in Britain’s nuclear arsenal
HMS IOLAIRE
On New Year’s Eve 1918
The Iolaire carried sailors
Veterans of the Great War
Back home to the island of Lewis
But as they approached Stornoway
As the New Year dawned
She struck "The Beasts of Holm"
And sank in the darkness
205 souls perished in the depths
They survived the horrors of war
Only to drown in the waters of home
RED COATS
The bayonets gleaming
In the sun
The piper’s pipe
The drummers drum
Red Coats forming
Up the square
The sound of battle
Everywhere
Though far outnumbered
In the field
They do not waver
They do not yield
The men
From borough and shire
The thin red line
Of the empire
PAST THE CENOTAPH THEY MARCH
Past the cenotaph they march
After Big Bens doleful chime
The proud veterans on parade
Years beyond their prime
But even with walking sticks
They still keep perfect time
THE FLOWERED FIELDS OF FLANDERS
The flowered fields of Flanders
Where met many a gallant enlistee
War visited its hell upon the earth
Turning them to a muddy bloody sea
SO SILENT WENT THE GUNS OF HELL
So silent went the guns of hell
No longer dispensing shot and shell
So we emerge from where we dwell
In answer to the armistice bell
WHETHER THEY MAY WIN OR LOOSE
Whether they may win or loose
Or whether they think its right
Our soldiers don’t get to choose
Which wars that they fight
THE RED ARMY
The Red Army
Rose from the ashes
Like a phoenix
Rising up from
The brink of defeat
To repel the invader
Pushing the Nazi scourge
Back to Hitler’s backyard
To end one war
And begin another
Colder one
RED BEARD
It was called Red Beard, which
Doesn’t sound menacing at all
So innocuous for the first tactical
Weapon in Britain’s nuclear arsenal
THE RAF SEEK OUT THERE TARGETS
The RAF seek out there targets
On recognisance missions
Brave young men
Flying beyond enemy lines
Armed with nothing more than cameras
They make pass after pass
Taking shot after shot
Before returning home
With their precious load
When the photo interpreters
Of Medmenham
Enhance the images
With their stereoscope’s
To create a 3D picture
For detailed analysis
By the boffins
Who identify a target
For more brave young men
To bomb the sites
Of the vengeance weapons
It was called Blue Danube, which
Doesn’t sound menacing at all
So innocuous for the first operational
Weapon in Britain’s nuclear arsenal
HMS IOLAIRE
On New Year’s Eve 1918
The Iolaire carried sailors
Veterans of the Great War
Back home to the island of Lewis
But as they approached Stornoway
As the New Year dawned
She struck "The Beasts of Holm"
And sank in the darkness
205 souls perished in the depths
They survived the horrors of war
Only to drown in the waters of home
RED COATS
The bayonets gleaming
In the sun
The piper’s pipe
The drummers drum
Red Coats forming
Up the square
The sound of battle
Everywhere
Though far outnumbered
In the field
They do not waver
They do not yield
The men
From borough and shire
The thin red line
Of the empire
PAST THE CENOTAPH THEY MARCH
Past the cenotaph they march
After Big Bens doleful chime
The proud veterans on parade
Years beyond their prime
But even with walking sticks
They still keep perfect time
THE FLOWERED FIELDS OF FLANDERS
The flowered fields of Flanders
Where met many a gallant enlistee
War visited its hell upon the earth
Turning them to a muddy bloody sea
SO SILENT WENT THE GUNS OF HELL
So silent went the guns of hell
No longer dispensing shot and shell
So we emerge from where we dwell
In answer to the armistice bell
WHETHER THEY MAY WIN OR LOOSE
Whether they may win or loose
Or whether they think its right
Our soldiers don’t get to choose
Which wars that they fight
THE RED ARMY
The Red Army
Rose from the ashes
Like a phoenix
Rising up from
The brink of defeat
To repel the invader
Pushing the Nazi scourge
Back to Hitler’s backyard
To end one war
And begin another
Colder one
RED BEARD
It was called Red Beard, which
Doesn’t sound menacing at all
So innocuous for the first tactical
Weapon in Britain’s nuclear arsenal
THE RAF SEEK OUT THERE TARGETS
The RAF seek out there targets
On recognisance missions
Brave young men
Flying beyond enemy lines
Armed with nothing more than cameras
They make pass after pass
Taking shot after shot
Before returning home
With their precious load
When the photo interpreters
Of Medmenham
Enhance the images
With their stereoscope’s
To create a 3D picture
For detailed analysis
By the boffins
Who identify a target
For more brave young men
To bomb the sites
Of the vengeance weapons
Classic Aircraft
THE SUPERMARINE SPITFIRE
Brainchild of R. J. Mitchell
The Spitfire was designed
As a short-range,
High-performance
Interceptor aircraft
The Supermarine Spitfire
Was the perfect flying machine
With its elliptical wings
And Rolls-Royce Merlin engine
It was fast and manoeuvrable
Which helped it dominate the skies
During the Battle of Britain
THE HAWKER HURRICANE
The Hawker Hurricane
Always overshadowed by the Spitfire
Whether as an interceptor-fighter
Or a fighter-bomber
Yet during the Battle of Britain
It shouldered a greater proportion
Of the burden against the Luftwaffe.
THE HAWKER SEA HURRICANE
The Sea Hurricanes
Were carrier based
Catapult-launched
Convoy escorts,
Known as "Hurricats"
THE HAWKER TYPHOON
The Hawker Typhoon
Single-seat fighter-bomber
Known affectionately as the Tiffy
Began life a medium
And high altitude interceptor
But with its Typhoon speed
It found its niche as
A low-altitude interceptor
But when ground attack rockets
Were added to its armoury.
The Typhoon earned a reputation
As the RAF’s
Most successful ground-attack aircraft.
THE DE HAVILLAND MOSQUITO
The de Havilland DH.98 Mosquito
Was a British multi-role combat aircraft
"The Wooden Wonder"
Known more affectionately
As the "Mossie" to its crews
Was the most versatile
British aircraft
Of the Second World War
THE AVRO LANCASTER
The Avro Lancaster
Was a four-engine British
Second World War heavy bomber
An iconic plane of the RAF
It first saw active service
With Bomber Command in 1942
Where it soon overshadowed
Its close contemporaries
The Handley Page Halifax
And the Short Stirling
It was affectionately known
As The "Lanc"
Perhaps best remembered
For Operation Chastise
Or the dam busters raid
Where it delivered
Barnes Wallis’s "Bouncing bomb"
With devastating effect
It was on to carry
The earthquake boms
Tallboy and Grand Slam
Used on V2 installations
THE AVRO LINCOLN
The Avro Type 694,
Was a four-engine
British heavy bomber
That never saw active service
In the Second World War
It was originally designated
As the Lancaster Mk IV
But were renamed
As the Avro Lincoln,
Though it became operational
Too late for World War Two
It saw plenty of action
In subsequent conflicts
Until the Jet age retired them
THE VICKERS WELLINGTON
The Vickers Wellington
Was a British twin-engine
Long range medium bomber
Known as “the Wimpy”
Designed originally
For daylight operations
It was widely used
As a night bomber
In the early years
Of World War 2.
Before being displaced
As the bomber of choice
By the large four-engined
Heavy bombers like the Lancaster
But the Wellington
Took on a new roll
As an anti-submarine aircraft
It was the only British bomber
To remain in production
For the duration of the war
And was first-line equipment
From beginning to end
THE VICKERS WELLESLEY
The Vickers Wellesley
Was a British light bomber
That was all but obsolete
By the time the war came
It was totally unsuited
To the European air war
Of the Second World War
But the Wellesley found a purpose
In the desert theatres
Of East Africa, Egypt
And the Middle East
THE HANDLEY PAGE HALIFAX
The Handley Page Halifax
Was a British four-engine
Second World War heavy bomber
Where it was soon overshadowed
By the Avro Lancaster,
But the Halifax remained in service
Until the end of the war
THE HANDLEY PAGE HASTINGS
The Handley Page
H.P.67 Hastings
Was a British troop-carrier
And freight transporter
The largest transport plane
In the world in its time
THE WESTLAND LYSANDER
The Westland Lysander
Was a British army
Co-operation and liaison aircraft
Which came into service
Prior to the Second World War
But when it became obsolete
In the army co-operation role,
Its exceptional characteristics
Came into their own
The Lysander’s short-field capability
Made it a natural
For clandestine missions
Being able to land on small
Unprepared airstrips
Deep behind enemy lines
To place or recover agents,
Particularly in occupied France
THE SHORT STIRLING
The Short Stirling
Was the very first British
Four-engine heavy bomber
The RAF had in the World War 2
It first entered service in 1941
And had a very brief career
As an operational bomber
Quickly being surpassed
By the Halifax and the Lancaster
Relegating the Stirling
To second line role
But it still had a significant
Contribution to make
First as a glider tug
And then as a resupply aircraft
During the allied invasion
Of Europe in 1944-1945
THE AVRO ANSON
The Avro Anson
Was a British twin-engine
Multi-role aircraft
Used by the RAF
Before, during, and after
The Second World War
It was originally the Avro 652
And was designed as an airliner
But was quickly redeveloped.
For a marine reconnaissance role
Though was soon rendered obsolete
As an operational entity
It was saved from the scrap heap
And became a multi-engine
Air crew trainer
And remained in production
Until 1952
THE AVRO SHACKLETON
The Avro Shackleton
Was a long-range British
Maritime patrol aircraft
Which came into service
With the RAF in 1951
It was a distant cousin
Of the legendary Lancaster
Which evolved first
Into the Lincoln
And then into the Shackleton
Its speciality was
Anti-submarine warfare
Then airborne early warning
And search and rescue
It was finally retired in 1990
THE AVRO LANCASTRIAN
The Avro 691 Lancastrian
Was a mail transport
And passenger aircraft
Used by Canada and Britain
In the 1940s and 1950s
The Lancastrian was basically
A modified Lancaster bomber
And delivered people and mail
As efficiently as death
THE AVRO MANCHESTER
The Avro 679 Manchester
Was a British heavy bomber
Of the Second World War
But it was an operational failure
Due to its underpowered
And unreliable twin-engines
However it lead directly
To the successful four-engined
Avro Lancaster, which became
The most successful
British bomber of the war
THE BRISTOL BEAUFIGHTER
The Bristol Type 156 Beaufighter,
Affectionately known as the Beau,
Was a British long-range fighter
A successful reworking
Into a heavy fighter
Of the Beaufort torpedo bomber design
Beaufighter is a portmanteau
Of "Beaufort" and "fighter"
But unlike the Beaufort,
The Beaufighter had a long career
And served in almost all theatres
Of the Second World War,
Firstly as a night fighter,
Then as a fighter bomber,
Eventually even replacing
The Beaufort as a torpedo bomber
THE BRISTOL BEAUFORT
The Bristol Beaufort
Was a British twin-engine
Torpedo bomber
Which saw service
With RAF Coastal Command
And then the Fleet Air Arm
Of Royal Navy
They were versatile and not
Used exclusively as torpedo bombers,
They were also utilized with great effect
As conventional bombers and mine-layers
However despite distinguishing themselves
In the Mediterranean
And in the defence of Malta
Their day in the sun
Was over all too soon
They were relegated to a trainer
Until the war ended
THE AVRO YORK
The Avro York
Was a British transport plane
And was yet another Avro aircraft
Derived from the legendary
Lancaster heavy bomber,
Which was used in military
And civilian roles
Between 1943 and 1964
THE BRISTOL BLENHEIM
The Bristol Blenheim
Was a Second World War
British light bomber
It had an all-metal stressed-skin
Retractable landing gear
Powered gun turret
And variable pitch propellers
State of the art at the time
And cutting edge for the RAF
But in truth it was no match
For the German Messerschmitt Bf 109
So its time as a front line
Combat aircraft were short lived
THE SHORT EMPIRE
The Short Empire
Was a medium range
Four engine monoplane flying boat
Carrying passengers and mail
Between Britain and the British colonies
THE SHORT SUNDERLAND FLYING BOAT
The Short S.25 Sunderland
Was a British flying boat
And Royal Air Force patrol bomber
In the Battle of the Atlantic
Hunting German U-boats
But it was capable of more
Humanitarian missions
And took part in the Berlin airlift
THE SHORT SANDRINGHAM
The Short S.25 Sandringham
Was a medium range
British civilian flying boat
Converted from Shorts Sunderland
And replaced the Short Empire
Carrying passengers and mail
Between Britain and the British colonies
THE LOCKHEED LIGHTNING
The Lockheed P-38 Lightning
Was a World War II
American fighter aircraft
With distinctive twin booms
And one central nacelle,
Housing the cockpit
The P38 was nicknamed
The "fork-tailed devil"
By Luftwaffe Pilots
It was the very definition
Of versatility in fact it had it all
And was in the thick of it
From Pearl Harbour
To Victory over Japan Day
THE AVRO VULCAN
The Avro Vulcan
Was an RAF
Delta Wing strategic bomber
And was the backbone of the Uks
Airborne nuclear deterrent
During a long period
Of the Cold War
It carried no defensive weaponry
So had to rely on its high-speed
And high-altitude flight
To evade interception
Until the advent
Of Electronic countermeasures
And although it spent
Much of its career
Armed with nuclear weapons
The Vulcan was still capable
Of performing conventional
Bombing missions
A fact underlined
Very effectively in 1982
When it was used in
Operation Black Buck
During the Falklands War
THE ENGLISH ELECTRIC LIGHTNING
The English Electric Lightning
Was a supersonic jet fighter
From the days of the Cold War
Noted for its great speed
The only all-British Mach 2 fighter
And the first in the world
Capable of Supercruise
Renowned for its interceptor capabilities
The Lightning was the best of the best
THE WACO HADRIAN
The Waco CG-4A
Was the most widely used
Troop/cargo military glider
Of World War II
Named the Hadrian
THE LOCKHEED HERCULES
The Lockheed C-130 Hercules
Is a four-engine turboprop
Military transport aircraft
An uncomplicated work horse
Take-offs and landings
Can be made on any unprepared ground
And its uses are too numerous to mention
In fact it would be easier to list
What the Hercules can’t do
THE GENERAL AIRCRAFT HAMILCAR
The General Aircraft
GAL. 49 Hamilcar
Was a large British military glider
Produced during World War II
Commissioned at the behest
Of the then Prime Minister
Winston Churchill
In order to transport
Airborne assault troops
And heavy cargo into battle,
When completed
The Hamilcar was capable
Of transporting heavy equipment
In support of airborne troops.
The glider could transport
A single light tank
Or two Universal Carriers.
Hamilcars were only used
On three occasions,
But only in support
Of British airborne forces.
They first saw action in June 1944
Transporting anti-tank guns
Assorted armoured Vehicles
And Tetrarch light tanks
Into Normandy during Operation Tonga
They were used in a similar way
During Operation Market-Garden
And finally in March 1945
During Operation Varsity
When they landed in Germany
THE GENERAL AIRCRAFT HOTSPUR
The General Aircraft
GAL.48 Hotspur
Was a military glider
Commissioned at the behest
Of the then Prime Minister
Winston Churchill
In order to transport
Airborne assault troops into battle
The Hotspur was the result
But its tactical limitations
Meant it was only used for training
THE AIRSPEED HORSA
The Airspeed AS.51 Horsa
Was a British World War II
Troop-carrying glider
Used for air assault by British
And allied armed forces
Like other British gliders
Of the Second World War,
Gliders were named
After military figures
Whose name began with H,
So it was named after Horsa,
The legendary 5th century
Jutish Conqueror of southern Britain.
But on D-Day 1944
The Horsa showed
It was not a conqueror
But a liberator of Europe
THE HAWKER SIDDELEY HARRIER
The Hawker Siddeley Harrier
Is more popularly known
As the "Harrier Jump Jet"
And was the first operational
Vertical take-off aircraft
Its unique abilities
Made it easier to disperse
An attack squadron
Away from vulnerable sir fields
The Harrier is quite simply
The most remarkable
Aircraft ever made
THE SLINGSBY HENGIST
The Slingsby Hengist
Was a British military glider
Like other British gliders
Of the Second World War,
Gliders were named
After military figures
Whose name began with H,
So it was named after Hengist,
The legendary 5th century
Jutish Conqueror of southern Britain.
But on D-Day 1944
The Hengist showed
It was not a conqueror
But a liberator of Europe
THE DOUGLAS DAKOTA
The Douglas C-47 Skytrain
Or as the RAF preferred the Dakota
Was a military transport aircraft
A successful development
From the civilian Douglas DC-3 airliner
A valuable asset to the Allies
During World War II
And like the Hercules
The Dakota’s uses
Were too numerous to mention
And it would be easier to list
What the Dakota can’t do
THE BRITISH AEROSPACE SEA HARRIER
The British Aerospace Sea Harrier
Was developed directly
From the Hawker Sidderley Harrier
And was used by the Royal Navy
Operating them from
Invincible-class aircraft carriers
Informally known as the "Shar"
The Sea Harrier
Served in the Falklands War,
Both Gulf Wars and the Balkans
Brainchild of R. J. Mitchell
The Spitfire was designed
As a short-range,
High-performance
Interceptor aircraft
The Supermarine Spitfire
Was the perfect flying machine
With its elliptical wings
And Rolls-Royce Merlin engine
It was fast and manoeuvrable
Which helped it dominate the skies
During the Battle of Britain
THE HAWKER HURRICANE
The Hawker Hurricane
Always overshadowed by the Spitfire
Whether as an interceptor-fighter
Or a fighter-bomber
Yet during the Battle of Britain
It shouldered a greater proportion
Of the burden against the Luftwaffe.
THE HAWKER SEA HURRICANE
The Sea Hurricanes
Were carrier based
Catapult-launched
Convoy escorts,
Known as "Hurricats"
THE HAWKER TYPHOON
The Hawker Typhoon
Single-seat fighter-bomber
Known affectionately as the Tiffy
Began life a medium
And high altitude interceptor
But with its Typhoon speed
It found its niche as
A low-altitude interceptor
But when ground attack rockets
Were added to its armoury.
The Typhoon earned a reputation
As the RAF’s
Most successful ground-attack aircraft.
THE DE HAVILLAND MOSQUITO
The de Havilland DH.98 Mosquito
Was a British multi-role combat aircraft
"The Wooden Wonder"
Known more affectionately
As the "Mossie" to its crews
Was the most versatile
British aircraft
Of the Second World War
THE AVRO LANCASTER
The Avro Lancaster
Was a four-engine British
Second World War heavy bomber
An iconic plane of the RAF
It first saw active service
With Bomber Command in 1942
Where it soon overshadowed
Its close contemporaries
The Handley Page Halifax
And the Short Stirling
It was affectionately known
As The "Lanc"
Perhaps best remembered
For Operation Chastise
Or the dam busters raid
Where it delivered
Barnes Wallis’s "Bouncing bomb"
With devastating effect
It was on to carry
The earthquake boms
Tallboy and Grand Slam
Used on V2 installations
THE AVRO LINCOLN
The Avro Type 694,
Was a four-engine
British heavy bomber
That never saw active service
In the Second World War
It was originally designated
As the Lancaster Mk IV
But were renamed
As the Avro Lincoln,
Though it became operational
Too late for World War Two
It saw plenty of action
In subsequent conflicts
Until the Jet age retired them
THE VICKERS WELLINGTON
The Vickers Wellington
Was a British twin-engine
Long range medium bomber
Known as “the Wimpy”
Designed originally
For daylight operations
It was widely used
As a night bomber
In the early years
Of World War 2.
Before being displaced
As the bomber of choice
By the large four-engined
Heavy bombers like the Lancaster
But the Wellington
Took on a new roll
As an anti-submarine aircraft
It was the only British bomber
To remain in production
For the duration of the war
And was first-line equipment
From beginning to end
THE VICKERS WELLESLEY
The Vickers Wellesley
Was a British light bomber
That was all but obsolete
By the time the war came
It was totally unsuited
To the European air war
Of the Second World War
But the Wellesley found a purpose
In the desert theatres
Of East Africa, Egypt
And the Middle East
THE HANDLEY PAGE HALIFAX
The Handley Page Halifax
Was a British four-engine
Second World War heavy bomber
Where it was soon overshadowed
By the Avro Lancaster,
But the Halifax remained in service
Until the end of the war
THE HANDLEY PAGE HASTINGS
The Handley Page
H.P.67 Hastings
Was a British troop-carrier
And freight transporter
The largest transport plane
In the world in its time
THE WESTLAND LYSANDER
The Westland Lysander
Was a British army
Co-operation and liaison aircraft
Which came into service
Prior to the Second World War
But when it became obsolete
In the army co-operation role,
Its exceptional characteristics
Came into their own
The Lysander’s short-field capability
Made it a natural
For clandestine missions
Being able to land on small
Unprepared airstrips
Deep behind enemy lines
To place or recover agents,
Particularly in occupied France
THE SHORT STIRLING
The Short Stirling
Was the very first British
Four-engine heavy bomber
The RAF had in the World War 2
It first entered service in 1941
And had a very brief career
As an operational bomber
Quickly being surpassed
By the Halifax and the Lancaster
Relegating the Stirling
To second line role
But it still had a significant
Contribution to make
First as a glider tug
And then as a resupply aircraft
During the allied invasion
Of Europe in 1944-1945
THE AVRO ANSON
The Avro Anson
Was a British twin-engine
Multi-role aircraft
Used by the RAF
Before, during, and after
The Second World War
It was originally the Avro 652
And was designed as an airliner
But was quickly redeveloped.
For a marine reconnaissance role
Though was soon rendered obsolete
As an operational entity
It was saved from the scrap heap
And became a multi-engine
Air crew trainer
And remained in production
Until 1952
THE AVRO SHACKLETON
The Avro Shackleton
Was a long-range British
Maritime patrol aircraft
Which came into service
With the RAF in 1951
It was a distant cousin
Of the legendary Lancaster
Which evolved first
Into the Lincoln
And then into the Shackleton
Its speciality was
Anti-submarine warfare
Then airborne early warning
And search and rescue
It was finally retired in 1990
THE AVRO LANCASTRIAN
The Avro 691 Lancastrian
Was a mail transport
And passenger aircraft
Used by Canada and Britain
In the 1940s and 1950s
The Lancastrian was basically
A modified Lancaster bomber
And delivered people and mail
As efficiently as death
THE AVRO MANCHESTER
The Avro 679 Manchester
Was a British heavy bomber
Of the Second World War
But it was an operational failure
Due to its underpowered
And unreliable twin-engines
However it lead directly
To the successful four-engined
Avro Lancaster, which became
The most successful
British bomber of the war
THE BRISTOL BEAUFIGHTER
The Bristol Type 156 Beaufighter,
Affectionately known as the Beau,
Was a British long-range fighter
A successful reworking
Into a heavy fighter
Of the Beaufort torpedo bomber design
Beaufighter is a portmanteau
Of "Beaufort" and "fighter"
But unlike the Beaufort,
The Beaufighter had a long career
And served in almost all theatres
Of the Second World War,
Firstly as a night fighter,
Then as a fighter bomber,
Eventually even replacing
The Beaufort as a torpedo bomber
THE BRISTOL BEAUFORT
The Bristol Beaufort
Was a British twin-engine
Torpedo bomber
Which saw service
With RAF Coastal Command
And then the Fleet Air Arm
Of Royal Navy
They were versatile and not
Used exclusively as torpedo bombers,
They were also utilized with great effect
As conventional bombers and mine-layers
However despite distinguishing themselves
In the Mediterranean
And in the defence of Malta
Their day in the sun
Was over all too soon
They were relegated to a trainer
Until the war ended
THE AVRO YORK
The Avro York
Was a British transport plane
And was yet another Avro aircraft
Derived from the legendary
Lancaster heavy bomber,
Which was used in military
And civilian roles
Between 1943 and 1964
THE BRISTOL BLENHEIM
The Bristol Blenheim
Was a Second World War
British light bomber
It had an all-metal stressed-skin
Retractable landing gear
Powered gun turret
And variable pitch propellers
State of the art at the time
And cutting edge for the RAF
But in truth it was no match
For the German Messerschmitt Bf 109
So its time as a front line
Combat aircraft were short lived
THE SHORT EMPIRE
The Short Empire
Was a medium range
Four engine monoplane flying boat
Carrying passengers and mail
Between Britain and the British colonies
THE SHORT SUNDERLAND FLYING BOAT
The Short S.25 Sunderland
Was a British flying boat
And Royal Air Force patrol bomber
In the Battle of the Atlantic
Hunting German U-boats
But it was capable of more
Humanitarian missions
And took part in the Berlin airlift
THE SHORT SANDRINGHAM
The Short S.25 Sandringham
Was a medium range
British civilian flying boat
Converted from Shorts Sunderland
And replaced the Short Empire
Carrying passengers and mail
Between Britain and the British colonies
THE LOCKHEED LIGHTNING
The Lockheed P-38 Lightning
Was a World War II
American fighter aircraft
With distinctive twin booms
And one central nacelle,
Housing the cockpit
The P38 was nicknamed
The "fork-tailed devil"
By Luftwaffe Pilots
It was the very definition
Of versatility in fact it had it all
And was in the thick of it
From Pearl Harbour
To Victory over Japan Day
THE AVRO VULCAN
The Avro Vulcan
Was an RAF
Delta Wing strategic bomber
And was the backbone of the Uks
Airborne nuclear deterrent
During a long period
Of the Cold War
It carried no defensive weaponry
So had to rely on its high-speed
And high-altitude flight
To evade interception
Until the advent
Of Electronic countermeasures
And although it spent
Much of its career
Armed with nuclear weapons
The Vulcan was still capable
Of performing conventional
Bombing missions
A fact underlined
Very effectively in 1982
When it was used in
Operation Black Buck
During the Falklands War
THE ENGLISH ELECTRIC LIGHTNING
The English Electric Lightning
Was a supersonic jet fighter
From the days of the Cold War
Noted for its great speed
The only all-British Mach 2 fighter
And the first in the world
Capable of Supercruise
Renowned for its interceptor capabilities
The Lightning was the best of the best
THE WACO HADRIAN
The Waco CG-4A
Was the most widely used
Troop/cargo military glider
Of World War II
Named the Hadrian
THE LOCKHEED HERCULES
The Lockheed C-130 Hercules
Is a four-engine turboprop
Military transport aircraft
An uncomplicated work horse
Take-offs and landings
Can be made on any unprepared ground
And its uses are too numerous to mention
In fact it would be easier to list
What the Hercules can’t do
THE GENERAL AIRCRAFT HAMILCAR
The General Aircraft
GAL. 49 Hamilcar
Was a large British military glider
Produced during World War II
Commissioned at the behest
Of the then Prime Minister
Winston Churchill
In order to transport
Airborne assault troops
And heavy cargo into battle,
When completed
The Hamilcar was capable
Of transporting heavy equipment
In support of airborne troops.
The glider could transport
A single light tank
Or two Universal Carriers.
Hamilcars were only used
On three occasions,
But only in support
Of British airborne forces.
They first saw action in June 1944
Transporting anti-tank guns
Assorted armoured Vehicles
And Tetrarch light tanks
Into Normandy during Operation Tonga
They were used in a similar way
During Operation Market-Garden
And finally in March 1945
During Operation Varsity
When they landed in Germany
THE GENERAL AIRCRAFT HOTSPUR
The General Aircraft
GAL.48 Hotspur
Was a military glider
Commissioned at the behest
Of the then Prime Minister
Winston Churchill
In order to transport
Airborne assault troops into battle
The Hotspur was the result
But its tactical limitations
Meant it was only used for training
THE AIRSPEED HORSA
The Airspeed AS.51 Horsa
Was a British World War II
Troop-carrying glider
Used for air assault by British
And allied armed forces
Like other British gliders
Of the Second World War,
Gliders were named
After military figures
Whose name began with H,
So it was named after Horsa,
The legendary 5th century
Jutish Conqueror of southern Britain.
But on D-Day 1944
The Horsa showed
It was not a conqueror
But a liberator of Europe
THE HAWKER SIDDELEY HARRIER
The Hawker Siddeley Harrier
Is more popularly known
As the "Harrier Jump Jet"
And was the first operational
Vertical take-off aircraft
Its unique abilities
Made it easier to disperse
An attack squadron
Away from vulnerable sir fields
The Harrier is quite simply
The most remarkable
Aircraft ever made
THE SLINGSBY HENGIST
The Slingsby Hengist
Was a British military glider
Like other British gliders
Of the Second World War,
Gliders were named
After military figures
Whose name began with H,
So it was named after Hengist,
The legendary 5th century
Jutish Conqueror of southern Britain.
But on D-Day 1944
The Hengist showed
It was not a conqueror
But a liberator of Europe
THE DOUGLAS DAKOTA
The Douglas C-47 Skytrain
Or as the RAF preferred the Dakota
Was a military transport aircraft
A successful development
From the civilian Douglas DC-3 airliner
A valuable asset to the Allies
During World War II
And like the Hercules
The Dakota’s uses
Were too numerous to mention
And it would be easier to list
What the Dakota can’t do
THE BRITISH AEROSPACE SEA HARRIER
The British Aerospace Sea Harrier
Was developed directly
From the Hawker Sidderley Harrier
And was used by the Royal Navy
Operating them from
Invincible-class aircraft carriers
Informally known as the "Shar"
The Sea Harrier
Served in the Falklands War,
Both Gulf Wars and the Balkans
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