IMBOLC
Imbolc, on February 1st
Is one of the four
Gaelic seasonal festivals
Imbolc marks
The beginning of spring
And the end winter.
Celebrated with feasting,
The making of Brighid's crosses,
The holy wells are visited,
And divination begins
SAINT BRIGIT OF KILDARE
Saint Brigit of Kildare
Or Brigid of Ireland
Also known as Mary of the Gael
Is one of Ireland's patron Saints
Along with Patrick and Columba
Her mother was Brocca
A Christian Pict and slave,
Baptised by Saint Patrick
Brigid herself was born into slavery
But it was clear she was holy
An became an early Christian nun
When she became Abbess,
She founded Kildare monastery
The Church of the Oak,
On the site of an old pagan shrine
To the Celtic goddess Brigid
Feast day 1st February
PUNXSUTAWNEY PHIL
On Groundhog Day
In Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania
Punxsutawney Phil
Incites Groundhog mania
Thousands watch to see
If he will see his shadow
For if he does winter remains
And he goes back below
GROUNDHOG DAY
If it is cloudy when he emerges
Then winter will soon go
But if he finds it sunny
He quickly returns below
ON CANDLEMAS DAY
The winter will not come again
If Candlemas day has cloud or rain
But if the day is bathed in sun
Then the spring hasn’t yet begun
FERSOMMLINGE
Fersommlinge is a feast
Celebrated on Candlemas day
In south-eastern Pennsylvania
In the “Fancy Dutch” way
Where in the Groundhog Lodges
Traditional foods are served
In their typically sociable way
Speeches are made and to entertain
They perform g'spiel skits and plays
But only Pennsylvania Dutch is spoken
So for English there’s a penalty to pay
CALL IT WHAT YOU LIKE
Jour de la Marmotte
As the French Canadians say
Grundsaudaag or Murmeltiertag
Is the Pennsylvania German way
But for the rest of us
We just call it Groundhog Day
Saturday 31 January 2015
Friday 16 January 2015
True Nature # 5
BEE’S ATTENDED TO THE ROSES
Bee’s attended to the Roses
As Butterflies fluttered by
The great artist mixed his blue
And with it painted the sky
And the sweet scent of lavender
Lingered long on the afternoon air
Should we ask for better?
I don’t think we dare
THE CHAFFINCH
She builds her nest
In the time of spring
And then to find a mate
She must patiently sing
Chaffinch sing your song
So charmingly
From your high branch
Up in the chestnut tree
BABBLING STREAM INTO RIVER
Babbling stream into river
Flows on through the lea
skirting woodland as it winds
On the move constantly
Cutting thru meadow sweet
On its journey to the sea
HERALDING AN APPROACHING STORM
Heralding an approaching storm
Lightening lit the far horizon
As thunder rumbled
Around the valley
Then louder and louder it grew
Closer and closer it came
Until it was overhead
Bee’s attended to the Roses
As Butterflies fluttered by
The great artist mixed his blue
And with it painted the sky
And the sweet scent of lavender
Lingered long on the afternoon air
Should we ask for better?
I don’t think we dare
THE CHAFFINCH
She builds her nest
In the time of spring
And then to find a mate
She must patiently sing
Chaffinch sing your song
So charmingly
From your high branch
Up in the chestnut tree
BABBLING STREAM INTO RIVER
Babbling stream into river
Flows on through the lea
skirting woodland as it winds
On the move constantly
Cutting thru meadow sweet
On its journey to the sea
HERALDING AN APPROACHING STORM
Heralding an approaching storm
Lightening lit the far horizon
As thunder rumbled
Around the valley
Then louder and louder it grew
Closer and closer it came
Until it was overhead
Tales of Love # 19
THE SMILE THAT GRACED
The smile that graced
Her sweet face
Was aimed at me,
And her eyes
Gazed deeply into mine,
With seemingly boundless love
Feelings which I requited
And yet as our hands
Reached out
To hold on to our love
It slipped like quicksilver
Through our needy fingers
And we were torn in two
HE MADE SUCH A HANDSOME OFFICER
She was so proud of him
When she saw him in his uniform
He made such a handsome officer
Like everyone she was caught up
In the patriotic fervour
She wasn’t concerned about the war
“It’ll be over by Christmas” everyone said
He would soon be home again
So she revelled in the beauty
Of her gallant hero
And she waved him off to war
She was so in love
With her officer beau
and that moment lived long
In her memory
It was her last memory of him
For the war wasn’t over by Christmas
And he wasn’t home again
SHE GAVE ME A PRECIOUS THING
She gave me her heart
A precious thing
She said belonged to me
It was beyond priceless
I should have treasured it
Guarded it with my life
But I was a complacent fool
And she took it back
It will never again be mine
And I have shed
A thousand lonely tears
As for her heart I pine
JEZEBEL STRUCK
Jezebel struck
At the heart of their love
With eagles talons
To tear at their bond
But such was their love
Her intrusion failed
As his breast was
Armoured like a knight
And she slinked away
ACROSS THE LONELY VOID
Hands reach out
Across the lonely void
Groping in the darkness
Reaching for love,
Blindly searching
For a kindred spirit
A lottery of chance
Without an angel’s
Tender guidance
WE WALKED ALONG THE SHORE
We walked along the shore
As the sunset was at its death
As the breeze caressed your hair
And I was jealous of its breath
WE SAT COOLLY IN THE SHADE
We sat coolly in the shade
Of a maple tree
enjoying our picnic
And freshly brewed tea
Days of innocence
When our spirits were free
And I proposed and then
You and I became we
THE LAST LONG HOUR OF AUTUMN
It was late autumn,
The season was dying
When she sat at his bedside
Holding his hand
And quietly crying
As she spent that long last hour
Saying her final goodbye
SENT FROM THE HEAVENS ABOVE
Sent from the heavens above
An unseen arbiter of love
To help the lovers choose
And with introductions done
The angel ascends
THE BEES ARE BUSY ON THE MOOR
The bees are busy on the moor
Among the purple heather
The birds are on the wing
Enjoying the clement weather
The most perfect place
For we two birds of a feather
But it holds no pleasure
Now we are no longer together
The smile that graced
Her sweet face
Was aimed at me,
And her eyes
Gazed deeply into mine,
With seemingly boundless love
Feelings which I requited
And yet as our hands
Reached out
To hold on to our love
It slipped like quicksilver
Through our needy fingers
And we were torn in two
HE MADE SUCH A HANDSOME OFFICER
She was so proud of him
When she saw him in his uniform
He made such a handsome officer
Like everyone she was caught up
In the patriotic fervour
She wasn’t concerned about the war
“It’ll be over by Christmas” everyone said
He would soon be home again
So she revelled in the beauty
Of her gallant hero
And she waved him off to war
She was so in love
With her officer beau
and that moment lived long
In her memory
It was her last memory of him
For the war wasn’t over by Christmas
And he wasn’t home again
SHE GAVE ME A PRECIOUS THING
She gave me her heart
A precious thing
She said belonged to me
It was beyond priceless
I should have treasured it
Guarded it with my life
But I was a complacent fool
And she took it back
It will never again be mine
And I have shed
A thousand lonely tears
As for her heart I pine
JEZEBEL STRUCK
Jezebel struck
At the heart of their love
With eagles talons
To tear at their bond
But such was their love
Her intrusion failed
As his breast was
Armoured like a knight
And she slinked away
ACROSS THE LONELY VOID
Hands reach out
Across the lonely void
Groping in the darkness
Reaching for love,
Blindly searching
For a kindred spirit
A lottery of chance
Without an angel’s
Tender guidance
WE WALKED ALONG THE SHORE
We walked along the shore
As the sunset was at its death
As the breeze caressed your hair
And I was jealous of its breath
WE SAT COOLLY IN THE SHADE
We sat coolly in the shade
Of a maple tree
enjoying our picnic
And freshly brewed tea
Days of innocence
When our spirits were free
And I proposed and then
You and I became we
THE LAST LONG HOUR OF AUTUMN
It was late autumn,
The season was dying
When she sat at his bedside
Holding his hand
And quietly crying
As she spent that long last hour
Saying her final goodbye
SENT FROM THE HEAVENS ABOVE
Sent from the heavens above
An unseen arbiter of love
To help the lovers choose
And with introductions done
The angel ascends
THE BEES ARE BUSY ON THE MOOR
The bees are busy on the moor
Among the purple heather
The birds are on the wing
Enjoying the clement weather
The most perfect place
For we two birds of a feather
But it holds no pleasure
Now we are no longer together
Tales of Love # 18
SHOW ME HOW TO CLOSE THE DISTANCE
Show me how to close the distance
Betwixt me and your heart
What words remain unspoken?
Show me what I should do
I will break no promise
I will leave all vows unbroken
Love is all I have to offer
And a true and honest heart
I won’t treat you as some token
So show me how to close the distance
Betwixt me and your heart
IF ONLY SHE WOULD TURN
If only she would turn
And smile at me,
Then in that moment
I would see
I would know
That she loves me
But she does not turn
She does not smile
So I languish in solitude
And hope that one day
She will turn
And smile at me
THE GENTLE HEART
The gentle heart, that
Once held love for me
Now holds only
An utter Contempt
For I lost my head
For a pretty face
So I lost her love
And now I’m lost
SHE MEANT THE WORLD TO ME
She meant the world to me
But I set her free
Now I watch her passing by
And wonder how and why
I could have let her go
And the truth is, I don’t know
NO OTHER SOUL
No other soul
In the world,
Makes me
Feel so alive
As you
When your love
Touches my heart
FALL INTO MY ARMS
Fall into my arms
My love
And lay with me
I will hold you there
And if my love
You stay with me
I will cover you
With loving kisses
So let me hold you
And caress you
Let our two hearts
Beat as one
And I will forever
Be yours
I HEAR MUSIC ON THE WIND FROM THE SEA
I hear music on the wind from the sea
I see faces in the clouds in the sky
I smell fragrant flowers everywhere I go
And you honey are the reason why
IN THE INTOXICATING CLOUD
Losing yourself
In the intoxicating cloud
Of loves first blush
When passion blinds
All judgement
In an all consuming
Giddying jig
Loves refrain
Plays on during
The Joyful dance
Which comes to an end
With the weaving
Of two souls
Until Both hearts
Beat in unison
THE SEEDS OF LOVE
The Seeds of love move
Wind-blown in the breeze
And settle on fertile ground
To germinate in willing hearts
Show me how to close the distance
Betwixt me and your heart
What words remain unspoken?
Show me what I should do
I will break no promise
I will leave all vows unbroken
Love is all I have to offer
And a true and honest heart
I won’t treat you as some token
So show me how to close the distance
Betwixt me and your heart
IF ONLY SHE WOULD TURN
If only she would turn
And smile at me,
Then in that moment
I would see
I would know
That she loves me
But she does not turn
She does not smile
So I languish in solitude
And hope that one day
She will turn
And smile at me
THE GENTLE HEART
The gentle heart, that
Once held love for me
Now holds only
An utter Contempt
For I lost my head
For a pretty face
So I lost her love
And now I’m lost
SHE MEANT THE WORLD TO ME
She meant the world to me
But I set her free
Now I watch her passing by
And wonder how and why
I could have let her go
And the truth is, I don’t know
NO OTHER SOUL
No other soul
In the world,
Makes me
Feel so alive
As you
When your love
Touches my heart
FALL INTO MY ARMS
Fall into my arms
My love
And lay with me
I will hold you there
And if my love
You stay with me
I will cover you
With loving kisses
So let me hold you
And caress you
Let our two hearts
Beat as one
And I will forever
Be yours
I HEAR MUSIC ON THE WIND FROM THE SEA
I hear music on the wind from the sea
I see faces in the clouds in the sky
I smell fragrant flowers everywhere I go
And you honey are the reason why
IN THE INTOXICATING CLOUD
Losing yourself
In the intoxicating cloud
Of loves first blush
When passion blinds
All judgement
In an all consuming
Giddying jig
Loves refrain
Plays on during
The Joyful dance
Which comes to an end
With the weaving
Of two souls
Until Both hearts
Beat in unison
THE SEEDS OF LOVE
The Seeds of love move
Wind-blown in the breeze
And settle on fertile ground
To germinate in willing hearts
Tales of Love # 17
I WISH I’D KNOWN
I wish I’d known,
As the door slammed shut
Behind you
That it would be the last time
As I would have said
I love you
Just to remind you
I wish I’d known
We would never have
Another day
That it would be the last time
So when you tried to kiss me
I wouldn’t have looked
The other way
I wish I’d known,
As I watched you sleep
Peacefully beside me
That it would be the last time
So I could have told you
Of the life
Growing inside me
PERFECTION
Their meeting was
Serendipitous
When cupid’s arrow struck
Nothing planned
Simply a case of luck
She ticked all his boxes
In her perfection
And in her eyes
He was flawless
In all things
They were Simpatico
And Romance blossomed
Perfect moonlight
Bathed them
Perfect stars adorned the sky
And a Perfect kiss
Sealed their fate
TEARS BEJEWELLED HER CHEEKS
Tears bejewelled her cheeks
Like lustrous pearls
And her heartfelt sobs shook
The Ribbons from her curls
Those tears and sobs you only hear
From broken hearted girls
I couldn’t ignore the anguished
Sound of her cries
So I lifted up her chin
And wiped the tears from her eyes
Then I held her in my arms
As her sobs turned to sighs
And when I looked at her
Tearstained face I could see
A girl as fragile as a butterfly
A thing of infinite beauty
And when she smiled
It was like a sunset on the sea
A SOUND LIKE HEAVEN
A sound like heaven
Sits softly on the ear
Every honey coated word
Is a sweet souvenir
The joy of her touch
On my skin still lingers
From her Porcelain hands
And delicate fingers
Delicately scented
Like an exotic Rose
Still vividly resides
In the appreciative nose
And the sight of her
Consummate beauty
Will occupy my dreams
For all eternity
SEASONED
When we were young
We began wandering aimlessly
Through leafy woodland.
We began when there were only
The early buds of spring
Wandering on through
The dappled shade of summer
And its comforting warmth
Onward then to the fall
With its crimson hues
Now we embark beyond
The crunch of autumns leaves
Into the cold metaphor
Of winters landscape
We still have each other
But we also have uncertainty
How much winter will we see?
AFFAIR OF THE HEART
Her heart once full of love
Now harbours only sorrow
The love once ablaze
Is just a guttering candle
Her heart was won
With a poets words
And flowers of romance
Fragrant and sweet scented
The words are but hollow echoes
And the vibrant flowers
Are withered and odourless
Now as the tears come
Her only memories are
Of false promises
And deceitful words
BLEEDING HEART
Her heart aches
With the pain of a faded love
Teardrops stain her cheeks
But cannot salve her sorrow
While his heart is elsewhere
Hers dies in her breast
LOVELORN LANE
Heart fluttering,
Stomach churning,
In anticipation
As she enters the lane
Expectation heightens
As she proceeds
Closer with each step
Towards the moment,
The anticipated moment
When he comes into view
Every day it happened
In the leafy lane
They would pass
They would look
They would smile
Then she would anticipate
The next day’s encounter
ALL THE RICHES
He brings her luxuries
From distant shores
Designer gowns,
Lingerie of silk and lace
Handmade shoes
The rarest orchids,
Precious gem stones.
Lustrous Pearls
Exquisite golden baubles
Watches, bracelets, rings
He gave her everything
He thought her heart desired
Except the one thing she craved
His unconditional love
I wish I’d known,
As the door slammed shut
Behind you
That it would be the last time
As I would have said
I love you
Just to remind you
I wish I’d known
We would never have
Another day
That it would be the last time
So when you tried to kiss me
I wouldn’t have looked
The other way
I wish I’d known,
As I watched you sleep
Peacefully beside me
That it would be the last time
So I could have told you
Of the life
Growing inside me
PERFECTION
Their meeting was
Serendipitous
When cupid’s arrow struck
Nothing planned
Simply a case of luck
She ticked all his boxes
In her perfection
And in her eyes
He was flawless
In all things
They were Simpatico
And Romance blossomed
Perfect moonlight
Bathed them
Perfect stars adorned the sky
And a Perfect kiss
Sealed their fate
TEARS BEJEWELLED HER CHEEKS
Tears bejewelled her cheeks
Like lustrous pearls
And her heartfelt sobs shook
The Ribbons from her curls
Those tears and sobs you only hear
From broken hearted girls
I couldn’t ignore the anguished
Sound of her cries
So I lifted up her chin
And wiped the tears from her eyes
Then I held her in my arms
As her sobs turned to sighs
And when I looked at her
Tearstained face I could see
A girl as fragile as a butterfly
A thing of infinite beauty
And when she smiled
It was like a sunset on the sea
A SOUND LIKE HEAVEN
A sound like heaven
Sits softly on the ear
Every honey coated word
Is a sweet souvenir
The joy of her touch
On my skin still lingers
From her Porcelain hands
And delicate fingers
Delicately scented
Like an exotic Rose
Still vividly resides
In the appreciative nose
And the sight of her
Consummate beauty
Will occupy my dreams
For all eternity
SEASONED
When we were young
We began wandering aimlessly
Through leafy woodland.
We began when there were only
The early buds of spring
Wandering on through
The dappled shade of summer
And its comforting warmth
Onward then to the fall
With its crimson hues
Now we embark beyond
The crunch of autumns leaves
Into the cold metaphor
Of winters landscape
We still have each other
But we also have uncertainty
How much winter will we see?
AFFAIR OF THE HEART
Her heart once full of love
Now harbours only sorrow
The love once ablaze
Is just a guttering candle
Her heart was won
With a poets words
And flowers of romance
Fragrant and sweet scented
The words are but hollow echoes
And the vibrant flowers
Are withered and odourless
Now as the tears come
Her only memories are
Of false promises
And deceitful words
BLEEDING HEART
Her heart aches
With the pain of a faded love
Teardrops stain her cheeks
But cannot salve her sorrow
While his heart is elsewhere
Hers dies in her breast
LOVELORN LANE
Heart fluttering,
Stomach churning,
In anticipation
As she enters the lane
Expectation heightens
As she proceeds
Closer with each step
Towards the moment,
The anticipated moment
When he comes into view
Every day it happened
In the leafy lane
They would pass
They would look
They would smile
Then she would anticipate
The next day’s encounter
ALL THE RICHES
He brings her luxuries
From distant shores
Designer gowns,
Lingerie of silk and lace
Handmade shoes
The rarest orchids,
Precious gem stones.
Lustrous Pearls
Exquisite golden baubles
Watches, bracelets, rings
He gave her everything
He thought her heart desired
Except the one thing she craved
His unconditional love
Wednesday 7 January 2015
A Little Bit Of Humour # 78
DIETING TIP # 6
Foods and drinks used
For their medicinal qualities
Such as hot chocolate or brandy
Have no calorie’s
ON ST PATRICK’S DAY
On St Patrick’s Day
You know an Irish rover
Has had enough to drink
When they’re Dublin over
OUR TEAM CAPTAIN TOOK TO THE FIELD
Our team captain took to the field
Carrying a piece of rope and the ball
Unconventional you might think
But he is the skipper after all
I HAVE A PROBLEM WITH HEDGEHOGS
I have a problem with Hedgehogs
I know it’s a strange thing to allege
I just find it hard to understand
Why they can’t just share the hedge?
I USED TO START AN AWFUL LOT OF FIGHTS
I used to start an awful lot of fights
When I was at school, I was a bully
But I had attention deficit disorder
So I didn’t finish them thankfully
WAS ANDREW MITCHELL RIGHT?
Was Andrew Mitchell right?
Are policemen a bit plebby,
According to a survey
It would appear they enjoy Typhoo tea,
Because of the adverts
Most of them live in new-build semis
Furnished by DFS or IKEA
They watch The One Show
And think it’s the news
Their diet consists of Pot Noodles
Cook in sauces or instant mash
They shop from the catalogues
Their favourite comedian is Jim Davidson
Entertainment is a 60-inch telly
Mr Policeman drinks Heineken
While his partner favours Lambrini
And Despite the Andrew Mitchell libel case
They will still vote Conservative
Because they think Mitchel’s a Tory
And they don’t realise it’s the same thing
MY WIFE AND I ARE FORTUNE TELLERS
My wife and I are fortune tellers
We met at our local dance hall
It was a night to remember and
We fell in love at the crystal ball
IN WHAT STATE OF DRESS
In what State of dress
Was she? please tell me
What did Delaware?
Was it her New Jersey?
TOTTENHAM HOTSPURS EMBLEM
Tottenham Hotspurs emblem
Is a cockerel that the fans don
And as the emblem is a bird
The supporters egg them on
ALL THE RABBITS IN THE FIELD
All the Rabbits in the field
Backed away from Farmer Kline
This strange phenomenon
Is known as a receding hareline
YOU CAN DRINK GREEN BEER
You can drink green beer
On any St Patricks Day
It counts as a vegetable
And one of your five a day
THERE REALLY IS NO TRICK TO IT
There really is no trick to it
The easiest way with no catch
To light up a football stadium
Is with a football match
MANCHESTER UNITED’S UNDERGROUND HEATING
Manchester United’s underground
Heating hasn’t been restored
So they’re planning to rename
The stadium Cold Trafford
BOFFINS ARE NOT THE SPORTY TYPE
Boffins are not the sporty type
But even a physicist called Bryan
Knows that he must exercise
Which he does by pumping ion
AS A MULTI SPORTS CLUB GRASSHOPPER
As a multi sports club Grasshopper
Club Zürich are just the ticket
They play a large number of sports
Though funnily enough Not Cricket
Foods and drinks used
For their medicinal qualities
Such as hot chocolate or brandy
Have no calorie’s
ON ST PATRICK’S DAY
On St Patrick’s Day
You know an Irish rover
Has had enough to drink
When they’re Dublin over
OUR TEAM CAPTAIN TOOK TO THE FIELD
Our team captain took to the field
Carrying a piece of rope and the ball
Unconventional you might think
But he is the skipper after all
I HAVE A PROBLEM WITH HEDGEHOGS
I have a problem with Hedgehogs
I know it’s a strange thing to allege
I just find it hard to understand
Why they can’t just share the hedge?
I USED TO START AN AWFUL LOT OF FIGHTS
I used to start an awful lot of fights
When I was at school, I was a bully
But I had attention deficit disorder
So I didn’t finish them thankfully
WAS ANDREW MITCHELL RIGHT?
Was Andrew Mitchell right?
Are policemen a bit plebby,
According to a survey
It would appear they enjoy Typhoo tea,
Because of the adverts
Most of them live in new-build semis
Furnished by DFS or IKEA
They watch The One Show
And think it’s the news
Their diet consists of Pot Noodles
Cook in sauces or instant mash
They shop from the catalogues
Their favourite comedian is Jim Davidson
Entertainment is a 60-inch telly
Mr Policeman drinks Heineken
While his partner favours Lambrini
And Despite the Andrew Mitchell libel case
They will still vote Conservative
Because they think Mitchel’s a Tory
And they don’t realise it’s the same thing
MY WIFE AND I ARE FORTUNE TELLERS
My wife and I are fortune tellers
We met at our local dance hall
It was a night to remember and
We fell in love at the crystal ball
IN WHAT STATE OF DRESS
In what State of dress
Was she? please tell me
What did Delaware?
Was it her New Jersey?
TOTTENHAM HOTSPURS EMBLEM
Tottenham Hotspurs emblem
Is a cockerel that the fans don
And as the emblem is a bird
The supporters egg them on
ALL THE RABBITS IN THE FIELD
All the Rabbits in the field
Backed away from Farmer Kline
This strange phenomenon
Is known as a receding hareline
YOU CAN DRINK GREEN BEER
You can drink green beer
On any St Patricks Day
It counts as a vegetable
And one of your five a day
THERE REALLY IS NO TRICK TO IT
There really is no trick to it
The easiest way with no catch
To light up a football stadium
Is with a football match
MANCHESTER UNITED’S UNDERGROUND HEATING
Manchester United’s underground
Heating hasn’t been restored
So they’re planning to rename
The stadium Cold Trafford
BOFFINS ARE NOT THE SPORTY TYPE
Boffins are not the sporty type
But even a physicist called Bryan
Knows that he must exercise
Which he does by pumping ion
AS A MULTI SPORTS CLUB GRASSHOPPER
As a multi sports club Grasshopper
Club Zürich are just the ticket
They play a large number of sports
Though funnily enough Not Cricket
A Little Bit Of Humour # 77
DIETING TIP # 5
If you drink a diet coke
With a chocolate bar
They cancel each other
Out, so there you are
No calories count
For the chocolate bar
THE FOOTBALL ISN’T UP TO MUCH
The football isn’t up to much
We are all sensing doom
At half time the directors
Go off to the bored room
CINDERELLA’S TEAM IS BOTTOM OF THE LEAGUE # 2
Cinderella’s team is bottom of the league
Though it’s no surprise at all
When the princess in waiting
Keeps running away from the ball
I GOT VERY DRUNK ON ST PATRICKS DAY
I got very drunk on St Patricks Day
So I took a bus home to save any fuss
This may not be a big deal to most
But I had never before driven a bus
YOU TOLD ME YOU’D SPEND YOUR WHOLE LIFE
“You told me you’d spend your whole life
Trying to make me proud to be your wife”
She said to him “So what went wrong?”
He replied “I didn’t know you’d live so long”
I FIND SURVEYS QUITE SURPRISING
I find surveys quite surprising
This result even surprised my cousin
Twelve out of thirteen people
Have never heard of a baker’s dozen
MY BROTHER HAS A WANDERING EYE
My brother has a wandering eye
He’s been that way since birth
Not surprisingly I suppose
He now lives in Letchworth
I WAS VITAL AND VIGOROUS
When I was young
I was vital and vigorous
But I was a stickler for rules
Strict and rigorous
But life passes in a flash
Life’s moments are the shortest
Because you go from
Rigorous to rigamortis
SHE THOUGHT I WAS THE ONE
When I married my wife
She thought I was the one
Now she thinks, on a scale
Of one to ten, I am a one
MY OPTICIAN HAS A GIFT FOR STATING THE OBVIOUS
My optician has a gift for stating the obvious
Either that or he’s not very bright
After the eye test he declared forthrightly
“Mr Hooper your left eye isn’t right”
THE EYE TEST WENT ON FOR AN AGE
The eye test went on for an age
In fact it was something of an ordeal
“Your right eye isn’t right” he said
Well I can tell you that was surreal
BACK TO BACK DVD’S
My wife and I really enjoy
Watching DVD’s back to back
But only one of us can see
The screen which is a drawback
I WAS RAISED AS AN ONLY CHILD
I was raised as an only child
By my father and mother
Which really pissed off
My sister and my brother
SOME YOUNGSTERS ARE BREAKING INTO CARS
Some youngsters are breaking into cars,
They are proper little devils,
They do it in multi-story car parks
And that’s wrong on so many levels
BACK FROM PORT OF SPAIN
I have just come back from
Trinidad’s Port of Spain
It was a once in a lifetime trip
I can only say, never again
If you drink a diet coke
With a chocolate bar
They cancel each other
Out, so there you are
No calories count
For the chocolate bar
THE FOOTBALL ISN’T UP TO MUCH
The football isn’t up to much
We are all sensing doom
At half time the directors
Go off to the bored room
CINDERELLA’S TEAM IS BOTTOM OF THE LEAGUE # 2
Cinderella’s team is bottom of the league
Though it’s no surprise at all
When the princess in waiting
Keeps running away from the ball
I GOT VERY DRUNK ON ST PATRICKS DAY
I got very drunk on St Patricks Day
So I took a bus home to save any fuss
This may not be a big deal to most
But I had never before driven a bus
YOU TOLD ME YOU’D SPEND YOUR WHOLE LIFE
“You told me you’d spend your whole life
Trying to make me proud to be your wife”
She said to him “So what went wrong?”
He replied “I didn’t know you’d live so long”
I FIND SURVEYS QUITE SURPRISING
I find surveys quite surprising
This result even surprised my cousin
Twelve out of thirteen people
Have never heard of a baker’s dozen
MY BROTHER HAS A WANDERING EYE
My brother has a wandering eye
He’s been that way since birth
Not surprisingly I suppose
He now lives in Letchworth
I WAS VITAL AND VIGOROUS
When I was young
I was vital and vigorous
But I was a stickler for rules
Strict and rigorous
But life passes in a flash
Life’s moments are the shortest
Because you go from
Rigorous to rigamortis
SHE THOUGHT I WAS THE ONE
When I married my wife
She thought I was the one
Now she thinks, on a scale
Of one to ten, I am a one
MY OPTICIAN HAS A GIFT FOR STATING THE OBVIOUS
My optician has a gift for stating the obvious
Either that or he’s not very bright
After the eye test he declared forthrightly
“Mr Hooper your left eye isn’t right”
THE EYE TEST WENT ON FOR AN AGE
The eye test went on for an age
In fact it was something of an ordeal
“Your right eye isn’t right” he said
Well I can tell you that was surreal
BACK TO BACK DVD’S
My wife and I really enjoy
Watching DVD’s back to back
But only one of us can see
The screen which is a drawback
I WAS RAISED AS AN ONLY CHILD
I was raised as an only child
By my father and mother
Which really pissed off
My sister and my brother
SOME YOUNGSTERS ARE BREAKING INTO CARS
Some youngsters are breaking into cars,
They are proper little devils,
They do it in multi-story car parks
And that’s wrong on so many levels
BACK FROM PORT OF SPAIN
I have just come back from
Trinidad’s Port of Spain
It was a once in a lifetime trip
I can only say, never again
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