TITTER YE NOT AMY

 

The pop diva Amy Winehouse

It was announced in the press today

Is to buy Frankie Howard’s old house

After she’s been to rehab for a short stay

She was told she had to go to rehab

Though she said nay, nay and thrice nay

BYE, BYE, EVERYONE, BYE, BYE

 

Sooty is 60 years old now

And has had a long career

But behind the sweet façade

There lurks a secret I fear

Sooty and co-star Sweep

Were rivals for the love of Soo

This caused bitter resentment

Still unresolved between the two

Soo’s on screen persona

Was all sweetness and light

But being fought over

Brought her great delight

But this well kept secret

Is not the only one you see

There is another scandal

Lurking to embarrass Sooty

Despite Soo’s on screen image

Off screen she was quite wild

And the dirty little Panda

Had Sooty’s glove child

MY BROTHERS GIRLFRIEND

 

My brother has a new lady

She’s very nice but no beauty

Tall and slim with a nice figure

She definitely pulls his trigger

He is besotted with her sadly

And he dotes on her quite madly

He calls her his little hollyhock

While we all call her Bob Foc

As she has a Body Off Baywatch

And a Face Off Crimewatch

YOU CAN’T HAVE YOUR CAKE

 

The upstairs flat has been sublet

Above our local patisserie

To an attractive young woman

Who wears exotic lingerie

Her pursuits are in nature erotic

Ok she’s a prostitute I will admit

But there are advantages to this

As you can eat your cake and have it

I THANK YOU

 

I thank you

For your love

I thank you

For your smile

I bless you

For your heart

And for being there

When I dial

God bless you

For your friendship

DRINK TO MY HEALTH

 

I was out for a walk

Just round and about

When I saw in a doorway

An old down and out

Drinking brake fluid

From an old tin cup

I stood for a moment

And watched him sup

“If that stuff kills you

That would be a crime”

“Don’t worry” said he

“I can stop anytime”

LIFE BEGINS

 

When my wife was pregnant

I was told I must be there

Smoking cigars with the lads

Was never on the cards I fear

I had never been fascinated

With childbirth I must declare

Waiting for the time for that bag

Of screaming giblets to appear

“I’m not going down the business end

I’ll just hold your hand dear”

But when you’re in the room

The event fills you with cheer

And when my son entered the world

I shed more than a little tear