CRASH LOCATION

 

On the M25 just beyond Dartford

She lost control of her car and crashed

Hitting the barrier with great force

Then came rest with the car smashed

It happened close to where she lived

She was nearly home, not far to go

But she sat trapped in her crumpled car

Covered in blood from head to toe

The paramedic attending the crash

Examined her as a matter of urgency

But apart from the blood covering her

He was at a loss to find any injury

“Where are you bleeding from?”

He asked the girl in the battered Ford

Slightly annoyed the girl responded

“I’m from bleeding Romford”

A NOTIONAL MOTION

 

Toast always lands butter side down

It’s a rule of locomotion

And a cat always lands on its feet

Now here is a curious notion

If you tie the toast to the cat

Would that result in perpetual motion?

KNIGHTS OF THE ROAD

 

Mild mannered and the meek

Shy and too embarrassed to speak

No goose hears them say boo

They are hardly noticeable to you

Then they get into a car

And safe behind the wheel

They are transformed

Those once quiet and retiring

Calm and rational people

Are now fearless, bold and brave

Safe in their steel boxes

That they wear like armour

Quarantined from the world

In their metal machines

They make manifest into beasts from hell

They become possessed

Morphing into deranged sociopaths

From Mogwai to gremlin

Those once too shy to speak

The humble and the tame

Now bellow obscenities

Foul and nasty profanities

To all and sundry

Dispensing venomous rebukes

Like Georges dragon breathing fire

They drive like crazed charioteers

Set loose from the hippodrome

They cut you up

With last second maneuvers

Changing lanes, jumping lights

Leaving chaos in their wake

They sneer at authority

Swear and gesticulate

No one is safe from them

The old lady at the crossing

A group of school children

A priest or a nun

No one is safe from their wrath

Then safely at their destination

Parked in another’s space

They exit the car

And are meek once more

HIS PERFECT WOMAN

 

According to my brother

When choosing one over another

The perfect woman will be

Quite easy to find really

His perfect woman indeed

Would only actually need

To make his life complete

Two tits and a heartbeat

THE NAKED TRUTH (1)

 

Mary stood naked before the bathroom mirror

And wiped the steam away so she could see clearer

Then her heart sank at what she could see

She said to her husband "I’m fat and I’m ugly”

“I look horrible; pay me a compliment" she sighed 

"You have perfect eyesight" He replied

THE ROAD TO OBLIVION

 

As a school kid

It was cider first

Then as a student

Wine came second

Then as a worker

The vodka came third

 

But it doesn’t stop there

So have a care and beware

 

Out every night

Drinking trebles

Never slowing down

Even seeing double

They never slow down

Never have a single

 

But it doesn’t stop there

So have a care and beware

 

Before breakfast

One eye opener

Mid morning at the office

Two snifters in the loo

A liquid lunchtime

Three large ones do it

 

But it doesn’t stop there

So have a care and beware

 

The lost weekends

Come first

Then the tremours

Follow a close second

Cirrhosis of the liver

Takes its place in third

 

But it doesn’t stop there

So have a care and beware

 

I’m only a social drinker

The first denial

I can stop if I want too

The second denial

I’m in control of the drink

The third denial

 

But it doesn’t stop there

So have a care and beware

 

In a gutter covered in vomit

Not for the first time

Coming round in casualty

More than the second time

Surrounded by medics

No way back the third time

 

It stops there

SAY IT AINT SO

 

“What is the chemical formula for water?”

The science teacher said to young Joe

Joe confidently stood up and replied

H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O,

“That’s not even close” the teacher shouted

Joe said “Last week you said it was H to O”