21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 365
Hush, little baby, don't say a word,
Mama's gonna buy you a mockingbird.
If I can get one from Pets at home
ARE YOU WEARING A SAILOR SUIT?
Are you wearing a sailor suit?
Are you trying to look cute?
Or are you trying to win a bet
Either way you just look wet
I LOVE JESSICA RABBIT
I love Jessica Rabbit,
I watch her films all the time
I find her so erotic
It’s just like watching porn
But don’t blame sweet Jessica
For my peccadilloes
It’s really not her fault
It’s just the way she’s drawn
THERE MAY WELL BE, AS THEY SAY
There may well be, as they say
“Plenty of fish in the sea”
But until I catch myself a cod
I'm left holding my rod
ONCE I FOUND OUT THAT MASTURBATING
Once I found out that masturbating
Was an addictive habit
I knew from that very moment on
That I just had to beat it
I ALWAYS WEAR A SEAT BELT
I always wear a seat belt
Even though they do constrict
But I couldn't work out how
To do it up and then it clicked
I CAN’T PLAY MY INSTRUMENT
I can’t play my instrument
We were mismatched
So I am selling my guitar
No strings attached
I WENT AWAY TO A THIRD WORLD COUNTRY
I went away to a third world country in secret
Because I knew the British doctors would scoff
So I went ahead and had a cheap circumcision
But although it was a lot cheaper it was a rip off
I LOVE THE HUMAN BODY
I love the human body though some
Bits more than others I must confess
And I thank God for nipples, as without
Them breasts would be pointless
OUTSIDE THE DRUG REHAB CENTRE
Outside the drug rehab centre
There was something a little crass
There was a sign on the lawn
That said “Keep off the Grass”
I AM NOT HANDY ABOUT THE HOUSE
I am not handy about the house
Or with the “Do It Yourself” game
And when a book falls on my head
I've only got my shelf to blame
DARTH VADER WAS SOMETHING OF A BAKER
Darth Vader was something of a baker
It was a side of him he liked to hide
He wasn’t good and when he made biscuits
They were always a little on the dark side
Thursday 5 February 2015
A Little Bit Of Humour # 90
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 364
King and Queen of Cantelon,
How many miles to Babylon?
Well that would depend upon
Where you are starting from
ARE YOU WEARING A SHELL SUIT?
Are you wearing a shell suit?
Well don’t you just look cute
But I know where you are heading
And it’s not suitable for a wedding
EIGHT OUT OF TEN INNER CITY MALES
Eight out of ten inner city males
Have had sex in the shower, they admit
However the other twenty percent
It would seem haven't been to prison yet
BUSINESS CONVENTIONS ARE IMPORTANT
Business conventions are important
They demonstrate without a doubt
Exactly how many employees that
A company can operate without
YOU HAVE THIRTY PAIRS
You have thirty pairs
Of shoes, more or less
And standing in the room
In obvious distress
Won’t make me choose
No matter how much you press
The appropriate pair
To go with that dress
MY WIFE AND I ARE SEPARATED
My wife and I are separated
And the reason why we parted
She started all conversations
After the programs had started
NUMBERS OF TORTOISES AND TERRAPINS
Numbers of Tortoises and Terrapins
In the wild are falling faster and faster
Biologists and Environmentalists
Are all predicting a Turtle disaster
THE RECRUITMENT CONSULTANT ASKED ME
The recruitment consultant asked me
“What do you think of voluntary work”?
“To be honest with you I wouldn't do it
If you paid me” I replied with a smirk
NO MATTER WHAT LIFE THROWS YOUR WAY
No matter what life throws your way
The future is the cure for all sorrow
And nicest thing about the future is
That it will always start tomorrow
THE POLICE ARE BEING ISSUED WITH PENCILS
The police are being issued with pencils and
Very thin sheets of paper, all very low tech
It’s a new initiative being rolled out so that
When crimes occur they can trace a suspect
THE BLIZZARD OF OZ
The Blizzard of Oz
Continued to blow
Until the yellow brick road
Was covered in snow
MY DOCTOR IS A LOCUM
My doctor is a Locum
Who replaced Dr Slocombe
And all I get is Hokum
With a sprinkling of bunkum
But I have my heath so Ho hum
King and Queen of Cantelon,
How many miles to Babylon?
Well that would depend upon
Where you are starting from
ARE YOU WEARING A SHELL SUIT?
Are you wearing a shell suit?
Well don’t you just look cute
But I know where you are heading
And it’s not suitable for a wedding
EIGHT OUT OF TEN INNER CITY MALES
Eight out of ten inner city males
Have had sex in the shower, they admit
However the other twenty percent
It would seem haven't been to prison yet
BUSINESS CONVENTIONS ARE IMPORTANT
Business conventions are important
They demonstrate without a doubt
Exactly how many employees that
A company can operate without
YOU HAVE THIRTY PAIRS
You have thirty pairs
Of shoes, more or less
And standing in the room
In obvious distress
Won’t make me choose
No matter how much you press
The appropriate pair
To go with that dress
MY WIFE AND I ARE SEPARATED
My wife and I are separated
And the reason why we parted
She started all conversations
After the programs had started
NUMBERS OF TORTOISES AND TERRAPINS
Numbers of Tortoises and Terrapins
In the wild are falling faster and faster
Biologists and Environmentalists
Are all predicting a Turtle disaster
THE RECRUITMENT CONSULTANT ASKED ME
The recruitment consultant asked me
“What do you think of voluntary work”?
“To be honest with you I wouldn't do it
If you paid me” I replied with a smirk
NO MATTER WHAT LIFE THROWS YOUR WAY
No matter what life throws your way
The future is the cure for all sorrow
And nicest thing about the future is
That it will always start tomorrow
THE POLICE ARE BEING ISSUED WITH PENCILS
The police are being issued with pencils and
Very thin sheets of paper, all very low tech
It’s a new initiative being rolled out so that
When crimes occur they can trace a suspect
THE BLIZZARD OF OZ
The Blizzard of Oz
Continued to blow
Until the yellow brick road
Was covered in snow
MY DOCTOR IS A LOCUM
My doctor is a Locum
Who replaced Dr Slocombe
And all I get is Hokum
With a sprinkling of bunkum
But I have my heath so Ho hum
A Little Bit Of Humour # 89
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 363
How many miles to Babylon?
Are measured in the blood
Of the innocents
ARE YOU WEARING A DENIM SKIRT?
Are you wearing a denim skirt?
Whether it’s in fashion or not
If you don’t mind me being bold
You manage to make it look hot
IF YOUR BLIND DATE IS DESCRIBED TO YOU # 11
If your blind date is described to you
As “Young at heart” it’s just a trick
Read between the lines and see they’re
Trying to fob you off with some old geriatric
WHENEVER WE ARGUE
Whenever we argue
You cry without fail
Has no one ever told you
Crying is blackmail
MONEY MAY NOT INDEED BE THE KEY
Money may not indeed be the key
To happiness, but
If you have enough money you can
Have your own key cut
WHY CAN'T YOU RUN THROUGH A CAMP?
Why can't you run through a camp?
Because that would cause grammatical offence
You cannot run through a camp at all
It would obviously “be ran” because it's past tents
I’VE BEEN DOING A SELF-HELP COURSE
I’ve been doing a self-help course
But it hasn’t helped a bit
I’ve attended all the classes
And read the literature, which is shit
I can’t build myself a mountain
Or catch rainbows and such,
I’m better off at home watching telly
And it doesn’t cost so much
MY GRANDDAD WON’T EAT BROWN BREAD
My granddad won’t eat brown bread
Because he doesn’t have to anymore
When he was a boy his whole family
Had to eat it because they were poor
WHEN POLICE SEARCHED THE HOME
When Police searched the home
Of Cliff Richard, and were to seize
A very large amount of material
Because they were led to believe
There was a link to Yew Tree
And they found among the amalgam
To their complete and utter disgust
That he was releasing a new album
THE FIRST TESTICULAR PROTECTION
The first testicular protection
Known as a "box" was introduced
In 1874
Whereas the first cranial protection
Known as a “helmet” was introduced
In 1974
So it only took a hundred years
For Cricketers to figure out the score
That balls shouldn’t be more
Important than brains anymore
BATSMEN WEAR A PROTECTIVE BOX
Batsmen wear a protective box
In order to ensure
That the bowler cannot
Rearrange his furniture
ESKIMO FISHERMEN
Eskimo fishermen sat shivering in their kayak
So they lit a fire in the craft to warm the two
And it immediately sank, proving once and for all
That you can't have your kayak and heat it too
How many miles to Babylon?
Are measured in the blood
Of the innocents
ARE YOU WEARING A DENIM SKIRT?
Are you wearing a denim skirt?
Whether it’s in fashion or not
If you don’t mind me being bold
You manage to make it look hot
IF YOUR BLIND DATE IS DESCRIBED TO YOU # 11
If your blind date is described to you
As “Young at heart” it’s just a trick
Read between the lines and see they’re
Trying to fob you off with some old geriatric
WHENEVER WE ARGUE
Whenever we argue
You cry without fail
Has no one ever told you
Crying is blackmail
MONEY MAY NOT INDEED BE THE KEY
Money may not indeed be the key
To happiness, but
If you have enough money you can
Have your own key cut
WHY CAN'T YOU RUN THROUGH A CAMP?
Why can't you run through a camp?
Because that would cause grammatical offence
You cannot run through a camp at all
It would obviously “be ran” because it's past tents
I’VE BEEN DOING A SELF-HELP COURSE
I’ve been doing a self-help course
But it hasn’t helped a bit
I’ve attended all the classes
And read the literature, which is shit
I can’t build myself a mountain
Or catch rainbows and such,
I’m better off at home watching telly
And it doesn’t cost so much
MY GRANDDAD WON’T EAT BROWN BREAD
My granddad won’t eat brown bread
Because he doesn’t have to anymore
When he was a boy his whole family
Had to eat it because they were poor
WHEN POLICE SEARCHED THE HOME
When Police searched the home
Of Cliff Richard, and were to seize
A very large amount of material
Because they were led to believe
There was a link to Yew Tree
And they found among the amalgam
To their complete and utter disgust
That he was releasing a new album
THE FIRST TESTICULAR PROTECTION
The first testicular protection
Known as a "box" was introduced
In 1874
Whereas the first cranial protection
Known as a “helmet” was introduced
In 1974
So it only took a hundred years
For Cricketers to figure out the score
That balls shouldn’t be more
Important than brains anymore
BATSMEN WEAR A PROTECTIVE BOX
Batsmen wear a protective box
In order to ensure
That the bowler cannot
Rearrange his furniture
ESKIMO FISHERMEN
Eskimo fishermen sat shivering in their kayak
So they lit a fire in the craft to warm the two
And it immediately sank, proving once and for all
That you can't have your kayak and heat it too
A Little Bit Of Humour # 88
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 362
Are you sleeping, are you sleeping,
Brother John? Brother John?
Your alarm is buzzing,
Your alarm is buzzing
Wake up John, Wake up John
ARE YOU WEARING A PLASTIC MAC?
Are you wearing a plastic Mac?
It’s a very practical garment
But wearing it over your clothes
Was the garments original intent
IF YOUR BLIND DATE IS DESCRIBED TO YOU # 10
If your blind date is described to you
As “A Good Listener” don’t go all romantic
Because it will be worse than it sounds
And they’ll be Borderline Autistic
LIFE’S VEXATIONS # 8
Is there anything more annoying?
If I had my way it would be a crime
Those people who point at their wrist
While they are asking for the time
MAMIL IS AN ACRONYM
MAMIL is an acronym
For “Middle Aged Men In Lycra”
I have to confess that’s not the word
I use for an old peddle cycler
I REMEMBER WELL THAT FATEFUL DAY
I remember well that fateful day
When I read of the evils of drinking
And so shocked was I that I decided
On that very spot to give up reading
HER GRANDSON WAS AT UNIVERSITY
Her grandson was at university
And wrote he was learning Judo
Why a Christian boy would want
To convert she just didn’t know
MY ONCE SWEET WIFE HAS BECOME MEAN
My once sweet wife has become mean
And short tempered thanks to the menopause
I try to be sympathetic but on her really bad days
I think it’s more like the mental pause
IF THE ADVICE FOR A MAN WHO HAS LOST
If the advice for a man who has lost
Interest in sex is to see a doctor
What would the advice be if
The sufferer is actually a doctor?
I WAS JUST SITTING THERE IN THE PARK
I was just sitting there in the park
And wondered why absentmindedly
The Frisbee was getting bigger
And bigger and then it hit me
I CAN’T QUITE REMEMBER HOW
I can’t quite remember how
To throw a boomerang now
But then eventually
It came back to me
A CHICKPEA AND A LENTIL
A chickpea and a lentil, what is
The difference between that brace?
It’s simple really because no one
Ever paid to have a lentil on their face
Are you sleeping, are you sleeping,
Brother John? Brother John?
Your alarm is buzzing,
Your alarm is buzzing
Wake up John, Wake up John
ARE YOU WEARING A PLASTIC MAC?
Are you wearing a plastic Mac?
It’s a very practical garment
But wearing it over your clothes
Was the garments original intent
IF YOUR BLIND DATE IS DESCRIBED TO YOU # 10
If your blind date is described to you
As “A Good Listener” don’t go all romantic
Because it will be worse than it sounds
And they’ll be Borderline Autistic
LIFE’S VEXATIONS # 8
Is there anything more annoying?
If I had my way it would be a crime
Those people who point at their wrist
While they are asking for the time
MAMIL IS AN ACRONYM
MAMIL is an acronym
For “Middle Aged Men In Lycra”
I have to confess that’s not the word
I use for an old peddle cycler
I REMEMBER WELL THAT FATEFUL DAY
I remember well that fateful day
When I read of the evils of drinking
And so shocked was I that I decided
On that very spot to give up reading
HER GRANDSON WAS AT UNIVERSITY
Her grandson was at university
And wrote he was learning Judo
Why a Christian boy would want
To convert she just didn’t know
MY ONCE SWEET WIFE HAS BECOME MEAN
My once sweet wife has become mean
And short tempered thanks to the menopause
I try to be sympathetic but on her really bad days
I think it’s more like the mental pause
IF THE ADVICE FOR A MAN WHO HAS LOST
If the advice for a man who has lost
Interest in sex is to see a doctor
What would the advice be if
The sufferer is actually a doctor?
I WAS JUST SITTING THERE IN THE PARK
I was just sitting there in the park
And wondered why absentmindedly
The Frisbee was getting bigger
And bigger and then it hit me
I CAN’T QUITE REMEMBER HOW
I can’t quite remember how
To throw a boomerang now
But then eventually
It came back to me
A CHICKPEA AND A LENTIL
A chickpea and a lentil, what is
The difference between that brace?
It’s simple really because no one
Ever paid to have a lentil on their face
A Little Bit Of Humour # 87
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 361
A Frog he went a courting,
Well it’s not like he has
Anything else to do since
He lost the French Presidency
ARE YOU WEARING A MANKINI?
Are you wearing a mankini?
Well the coverage is teeny
And you’re as fat as Mussolini
And I can see you’re weeny
IF YOUR BLIND DATE IS DESCRIBED TO YOU # 9
If your blind date is described to you
As “Wanting a Soulmate” then watch out
Because it will be worse than it sounds
They’ll be a stalker without a doubt
LIFE’S VEXATIONS # 7
I hate it when buying sunglasses
When I find a pair I want to try
And that stupid little plastic thing
Dangles right in front of my eye
FROSTY THE SNOWMAN DIVORCED HIS WIFE
Frosty the snowman divorced his wife
As the marriage was a mistake
He decided to divorce his wife
After he found out she was a flake
HOORAY HENRYS AND HENRIETTA’S
Hooray Henrys and Henrietta’s
Don’t act like our social better’s
The so called cream of society
Can’t even achieve regular sobriety
Flaunting their wealth and partying
They’re behaviour makes me sick
And they’re only really the cream
Because they are all rich and thick
IT WAS A FLAMBOYANT THING
It was a flamboyant thing
With a corresponding price tag
But a Black Forest Gateaux
Was really a sponge cake in drag
SINCE YOU WALKED OUT ON ME
Since you walked out on me
As an act of defiance
Each morning I sit and eat
Breakfast in my pants
But I have discovered
Its little consolation
And I actually miss
Your personal hygiene rants
COACH JOSÉ MOURINHO
Coach José Mourinho
Likes to strut and preen
But doesn’t like to lose
And likes to cause a scene
He’s always crying foul
As he’s a real drama queen
I AM BY NO MEANS PERFECT, BUT
I am by no means perfect, but my wife
Has a particularly dirty habit
Which she won’t like me mentioning
As it involves a rampant rabbit
YOU CAN KEEP YOUR GOLDEN DELICIOUS
You can keep your Golden Delicious
I don’t want to eat them anymore
I want a flavour that isn’t fleeting
So a Cox’s apple is quality to the core
DOLPHINS SUFFER FROM ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION
Dolphins suffer from Erectile Dysfunction
And their sex life has come a cropper
Not much is known about their condition
But they’ve gone from Flipper to Flopper
A Frog he went a courting,
Well it’s not like he has
Anything else to do since
He lost the French Presidency
ARE YOU WEARING A MANKINI?
Are you wearing a mankini?
Well the coverage is teeny
And you’re as fat as Mussolini
And I can see you’re weeny
IF YOUR BLIND DATE IS DESCRIBED TO YOU # 9
If your blind date is described to you
As “Wanting a Soulmate” then watch out
Because it will be worse than it sounds
They’ll be a stalker without a doubt
LIFE’S VEXATIONS # 7
I hate it when buying sunglasses
When I find a pair I want to try
And that stupid little plastic thing
Dangles right in front of my eye
FROSTY THE SNOWMAN DIVORCED HIS WIFE
Frosty the snowman divorced his wife
As the marriage was a mistake
He decided to divorce his wife
After he found out she was a flake
HOORAY HENRYS AND HENRIETTA’S
Hooray Henrys and Henrietta’s
Don’t act like our social better’s
The so called cream of society
Can’t even achieve regular sobriety
Flaunting their wealth and partying
They’re behaviour makes me sick
And they’re only really the cream
Because they are all rich and thick
IT WAS A FLAMBOYANT THING
It was a flamboyant thing
With a corresponding price tag
But a Black Forest Gateaux
Was really a sponge cake in drag
SINCE YOU WALKED OUT ON ME
Since you walked out on me
As an act of defiance
Each morning I sit and eat
Breakfast in my pants
But I have discovered
Its little consolation
And I actually miss
Your personal hygiene rants
COACH JOSÉ MOURINHO
Coach José Mourinho
Likes to strut and preen
But doesn’t like to lose
And likes to cause a scene
He’s always crying foul
As he’s a real drama queen
I AM BY NO MEANS PERFECT, BUT
I am by no means perfect, but my wife
Has a particularly dirty habit
Which she won’t like me mentioning
As it involves a rampant rabbit
YOU CAN KEEP YOUR GOLDEN DELICIOUS
You can keep your Golden Delicious
I don’t want to eat them anymore
I want a flavour that isn’t fleeting
So a Cox’s apple is quality to the core
DOLPHINS SUFFER FROM ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION
Dolphins suffer from Erectile Dysfunction
And their sex life has come a cropper
Not much is known about their condition
But they’ve gone from Flipper to Flopper
A Little Bit Of Humour # 86
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 360
There they go round the mulberry bush,
Showing there bush,
Showing there bush,
There they go round the mulberry bush,
On a cold and frosty morning
ARE YOU WEARING A STOVEPIPE HAT?
Are you wearing a Stovepipe Hat?
Its height certainly exceeds
Are you trying to look taller?
Well a very wise man heeds
That any man is only as tall
As the sum of his deeds
IF YOUR BLIND DATE IS DESCRIBED TO YOU # 8
If your blind date is described to you
As “Professional” then start to twitch
Because it will be worse than it sounds
And she will definitely be a Certified Bitch
FROSTY THE SNOWMAN REALLY LOST HIS TEMPER
Frosty the snowman really lost his temper
And his behaviour was an absolute disgrace
He kept going on about an aggressive carrot
And he kept saying "just get out of my face"
LIFE’S VEXATIONS # 6
When you’re only browsing
In a department store
Five different sales people
Sometimes even more
Pestering and prying and
Asking if they can assist you
But when you need a one
There’s never one in view
WHEN YOU HAVE TEENAGERS
When you have teenagers
The more elaborate the excuse
The greater the likelihood
That it’s not actually the truth
THE ART OF MODERN MEDICINE
The art of modern medicine
Consists by varying degrees
Of keeping the patient amused
While nature cures the disease
IT’S BEEN TWENTY FIVE YEARS
It’s been twenty five years
Since the day she said “I do”
Almost as long as when
I said to her “you’re not are you?”
WHEN YOU ARE IN A LONG TERM RELATIONSHIP
When you are in a long term relationship
On Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries
Your normally rational other halves
Turn into fire breathing adversaries
And those once happy and joyous occasions
Become life and death quests to test us
To see if we can find the perfect present
And that goes double for Christmas
I DON’T LIKE STRIPPERS
I don’t like strippers
Pouting erotically
Bumping and grinding
Doesn’t do it for me
Nor Pole dancers
Going at it athletically
Lap dancing likewise
Doesn’t do it for me
Watching women undress
That does do it for me
Providing of course
I can find a suitable tree
I’VE BEEN INVITED TO GO AND SEE
I’ve been invited to go and see
Pole dancing and I’m rather keen
The last time I was only ten
And it was on the village green
MY DAD JOINED THE NAVY
My Dad joined the Navy
To see the world
And get out and about
But once he’d seen it
He wasn’t impressed
And wanted to get out
There they go round the mulberry bush,
Showing there bush,
Showing there bush,
There they go round the mulberry bush,
On a cold and frosty morning
ARE YOU WEARING A STOVEPIPE HAT?
Are you wearing a Stovepipe Hat?
Its height certainly exceeds
Are you trying to look taller?
Well a very wise man heeds
That any man is only as tall
As the sum of his deeds
IF YOUR BLIND DATE IS DESCRIBED TO YOU # 8
If your blind date is described to you
As “Professional” then start to twitch
Because it will be worse than it sounds
And she will definitely be a Certified Bitch
FROSTY THE SNOWMAN REALLY LOST HIS TEMPER
Frosty the snowman really lost his temper
And his behaviour was an absolute disgrace
He kept going on about an aggressive carrot
And he kept saying "just get out of my face"
LIFE’S VEXATIONS # 6
When you’re only browsing
In a department store
Five different sales people
Sometimes even more
Pestering and prying and
Asking if they can assist you
But when you need a one
There’s never one in view
WHEN YOU HAVE TEENAGERS
When you have teenagers
The more elaborate the excuse
The greater the likelihood
That it’s not actually the truth
THE ART OF MODERN MEDICINE
The art of modern medicine
Consists by varying degrees
Of keeping the patient amused
While nature cures the disease
IT’S BEEN TWENTY FIVE YEARS
It’s been twenty five years
Since the day she said “I do”
Almost as long as when
I said to her “you’re not are you?”
WHEN YOU ARE IN A LONG TERM RELATIONSHIP
When you are in a long term relationship
On Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries
Your normally rational other halves
Turn into fire breathing adversaries
And those once happy and joyous occasions
Become life and death quests to test us
To see if we can find the perfect present
And that goes double for Christmas
I DON’T LIKE STRIPPERS
I don’t like strippers
Pouting erotically
Bumping and grinding
Doesn’t do it for me
Nor Pole dancers
Going at it athletically
Lap dancing likewise
Doesn’t do it for me
Watching women undress
That does do it for me
Providing of course
I can find a suitable tree
I’VE BEEN INVITED TO GO AND SEE
I’ve been invited to go and see
Pole dancing and I’m rather keen
The last time I was only ten
And it was on the village green
MY DAD JOINED THE NAVY
My Dad joined the Navy
To see the world
And get out and about
But once he’d seen it
He wasn’t impressed
And wanted to get out
A Little Bit Of Humour # 85
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 359
Hickory, dickory, dock
The mouse ran up the clock
Which was unusual to find
A rodent interested
In chronology
ARE YOU WEARING A CAPE?
Are you wearing a cape?
A super hero’s shoulder drape
But you’re not a caped crusader
You’re a substitute teacher
IF YOUR BLIND DATE IS DESCRIBED TO YOU # 7
If your blind date is described to you
As “a Poet” don’t go all romantic
Because it will be worse than it sounds
And they’ll be a depressive Schizophrenic
LIFE’S VEXATIONS # 5
There is nothing that annoys me more
Than the elevator stopping on every floor
No one gets on or off which irks me treble
In fact it’s annoying on more than one level
FALLING IN LOVE IS LIKE POETRY
Falling in love is like poetry
But when she no longer calls
Don’t start writing her number
On every single toilet wall
THE GENERAL CONSENSUS
The general consensus
Is that it is inappropriate
To spank a child, and rightly so
Therefore with my own children
And grandchildren for that matter
I adopted a different tack
Whenever one of the little darlings
Goes into “meltdown”
I take the unhappy child
For a ride in the car
Where I find it possible to talk to them
Some say it's the cars vibration
Or the rhythm of the vehicle
Or maybe it’s just escaping
The modern day gadgets
Whatever it is I always find
A twenty minute car ride
With them tied to the roof rack
Always does the trick
AN OSTRICH'S EYE IS BIGGER
An ostrich's eye is bigger
Than its brain, apparently
I have known quite a few
People afflicted similarly
DON’T COMPARE YOURSELF TO OTHERS
Don’t compare yourself to others,
Whatever else you might do
Because in all probability
They’re more screwed up than you
MY BROTHER HAS BEEN SEEING A PSYCHIATRIST
My brother has been seeing a psychiatrist
He pays one hundred pounds a time
And he’s been doing it for bloody years
I think he must be out of his tiny mind
MY YOUNGER SISTER HAS SOME HABITS
My younger sister has some habits
That expose her to certain dangers
One of which is her innate ability
To annoy complete strangers
GEORGE WASHINGTON CHOPPED DOWN
George Washington chopped down
His father's favourite cherry tree,
Then George admitted doing it
He was rewarded for his honesty
When his father didn't punish him
Well those are the accepted facts
But I think we should consider
That George was still holding the ax
THE ONLY CUTTING EDGE THAT
The only cutting edge that
Gets sharper through life
The more it’s been used
Is the tongue of my wife
Hickory, dickory, dock
The mouse ran up the clock
Which was unusual to find
A rodent interested
In chronology
ARE YOU WEARING A CAPE?
Are you wearing a cape?
A super hero’s shoulder drape
But you’re not a caped crusader
You’re a substitute teacher
IF YOUR BLIND DATE IS DESCRIBED TO YOU # 7
If your blind date is described to you
As “a Poet” don’t go all romantic
Because it will be worse than it sounds
And they’ll be a depressive Schizophrenic
LIFE’S VEXATIONS # 5
There is nothing that annoys me more
Than the elevator stopping on every floor
No one gets on or off which irks me treble
In fact it’s annoying on more than one level
FALLING IN LOVE IS LIKE POETRY
Falling in love is like poetry
But when she no longer calls
Don’t start writing her number
On every single toilet wall
THE GENERAL CONSENSUS
The general consensus
Is that it is inappropriate
To spank a child, and rightly so
Therefore with my own children
And grandchildren for that matter
I adopted a different tack
Whenever one of the little darlings
Goes into “meltdown”
I take the unhappy child
For a ride in the car
Where I find it possible to talk to them
Some say it's the cars vibration
Or the rhythm of the vehicle
Or maybe it’s just escaping
The modern day gadgets
Whatever it is I always find
A twenty minute car ride
With them tied to the roof rack
Always does the trick
AN OSTRICH'S EYE IS BIGGER
An ostrich's eye is bigger
Than its brain, apparently
I have known quite a few
People afflicted similarly
DON’T COMPARE YOURSELF TO OTHERS
Don’t compare yourself to others,
Whatever else you might do
Because in all probability
They’re more screwed up than you
MY BROTHER HAS BEEN SEEING A PSYCHIATRIST
My brother has been seeing a psychiatrist
He pays one hundred pounds a time
And he’s been doing it for bloody years
I think he must be out of his tiny mind
MY YOUNGER SISTER HAS SOME HABITS
My younger sister has some habits
That expose her to certain dangers
One of which is her innate ability
To annoy complete strangers
GEORGE WASHINGTON CHOPPED DOWN
George Washington chopped down
His father's favourite cherry tree,
Then George admitted doing it
He was rewarded for his honesty
When his father didn't punish him
Well those are the accepted facts
But I think we should consider
That George was still holding the ax
THE ONLY CUTTING EDGE THAT
The only cutting edge that
Gets sharper through life
The more it’s been used
Is the tongue of my wife
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