A Little Bit Of Humour # 25

TRAFFIC COP – I’M SORRY

When the police caught me speeding
My eyes were strained and blinking
I was pulled over by a putz

Who said “Your eyes look red,
Have you been drinking?”
So with no ifs or buts

“Your eyes look glazed”
I responded without thinking
“Have you been eating doughnuts?”

ARE YOU WEARING SPIVS GARB?

Are you wearing spivs garb?
You are doubtless here to chisel
Hawking your counterfeit goods
Doubtless all sausage and no sizzle

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 302

Little girl, little girl where have you been?
Have you been visiting London Zoo
Or gathering roses to give to the Queen.
Oh you went to get another Tattoo

BACK IN 66

Back in 66
When I was just a boy
I was full of pride
Watching Nobby’s jig of joy
And when Bobby Moore
Was raised shoulder high
Holding the World Cup
It made every Scotsman cry

GOING VEGETARIAN

Going vegetarian
They say is very wholesome
My only concern
Is having to eat a whole one

GREAT ROYAL WIFE NEFERTITI

Great Royal wife Nefertiti
Was the Ancient Egyptian Queen
Good time girl Nefertutu
Is just a modern dancing Queen

I MESSED ABOUT A LOT AT SCHOOL

I messed about a lot at school
And always played the fool
So I was expelled from school
And spent my time playing pool
And turned out a proper tool

INCENTIVE SCHEME

If your staff tell you an
Incentive scheme is desired
Say “I have one for you”
Work hard or get fired

AFTER MY HOLIDAY

After my holiday
My inbox was full
And the backlog
Was diabolical

After four hours
However it transpired
From an email I found
That I was fired

IF YOU’RE LONELY AT WORK

If you’re lonely at work
And you find it self-defeating
There is only one thing for it
And that is to call a meeting

OUR COMPUTERS WENT DOWN

Our computers went down
At the office today
So we had to do things
The old fashioned way
But Doris had a pack of cards
So playing cards was ok

MY WIFE DOESN’T GO TO THE GYM # 2

My wife doesn’t go to the gym
She’s as skinny as a candle
As she gets all the exercise she needs
Just from flying off the handle

A Little Bit Of Humour # 24

TRAFFIC COP – DO YOU KNOW?

“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
The cop asked me like a typical fuzz
“No officer I don’t, I hope you do,
I thinks it’s important that one of us does”

ARE YOU WEARING YOUR HAIR DIFFERENTLY?

Are you wearing your hair differently?
It’s definitely some kind of reworking
No you’re not wearing your hair differently
I can clearly see now that it’s a merkin

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 303

There was a chandler making candles
For all the convent girls to handle
Where at night the Sister would shout
Its bed time girls so candles out

MY WIFE DOESN’T GO TO THE GYM # 1

My wife doesn’t go to the gym
She doesn’t suffer from delusions
But she gets all the exercise she needs
Just from jumping to conclusions

THE TASTE UPON MY LIPS

The taste upon my lips
Of My moonlight kiss
And to taste that kiss again
Is my one and only wish

STOP THE TB CULLING

Stop the TB culling?
Not on my nadgers
Save the hedgehogs
And cull the badgers

SHOP PC

I went shopping in
PC World yesterday
You really have to
Watch what you say

FAVOURITE CAR

To find our favourite car
A survey has been done
And women have declared
That it is a red one

MY SOLICITOR SAID

My solicitor said
That he would get me
A very good Barrister

“I don’t need” I said
“Someone making coffee
Just get me a lawyer”

I AM TOTALLY UNAPPRECIATED AT WORK

I am totally unappreciated at work
I do a good job but unfortunately I fear
It’s akin to dribbling in your trousers
When you’re wearing a dark pair
You getting a comforting warm glow
But no one sees the piss patch there

DON’T WORRY ABOUT THE BOSS

Don’t worry about the boss
Finding out how little you do
Because he is the lazy shit
That’s more worried about you

OUR LONDON SCHOOL WAS AWASH

Our London school was awash
With drugs of various kinds
And it certainly wasn’t considered
A punishment to do lines

A Little Bit Of Humour # 23

IT WAS AT SOUTHWAITE SERVICES

It was at Southwaite services
Where I stopped though in a rush
And experienced for the first time
The disconcerting autoflush

I’m sure it’s quite an innovation
But it doesn’t work for me
When auto flush sprinkled my
Undercarriage Mid delivery

THE LAST OF THE SUMMER WHINE

No sooner had the stumps been pulled
Then the Vintage Aussie Whine was served
Made from their abundant sour grapes
It was to toast an English victory well deserved

DURING A PASSWORD AUDIT

During a password audit by the IT crowd,
They discovered something quite absurd
A young woman by the name of Bimbette
Who was using the following password
PughPughBarneyMcGrewCuthbertDibbleGrubb
And was told such a password was wrong
But Bimbette explained that she was told
Her password must be six characters long

WE HAD SEPARATE HOLIDAYS

We had separate holidays,
Because we thought
Absence would make
The heart grow fonder
But when we returned
To our home afterwards
We both wished
We’d stayed away for longer

I’M NOT SURE IF INDEED IT’S ME

I’m not sure if indeed it’s me
Or maybe its intentional irony
But you can hear the approach
Of the daily “Roach Coach”
The chime being the announcer
As it plays La Cucaracha

I HATE THE ONE PENCE PIECES

I hate the one pence pieces
5p’s and tuppence’s
I suppose you think it strange
But I simply don’t like change

AS WE APPROACHED THE AIRPORT

As we approached the airport
The warning light went on
And I had to return the stewardess
To the upright position

MY NEW GIRLFRIEND IS FROM GLASGOW

My new girlfriend is from Glasgow
And when I met her Father and Mother
I found they were incredibly posh,
They served deep fried Ferrero Rocher

HAS ANYONE EVER SAID TO YOU?

Has anyone ever said to you?
“Try and walk in someone else’s shoes”
Well I find that for me the concept is
Quite problematic to my views
After all it would have to depend
Greatly on exactly whose shoes

TRAFFIC COP – HOLD IT

When the police pulled me over
The reason wasn’t exactly clear
It could have been the speeding
That caused the police to appear
Or running several red lights
Or my complete inability to steer
Any of the above would have done it
Of that I am perfectly clear
But what I said to the officer
Was what really swung it I fear
“I can easily reach my license
If you would hold my beer”

ARE YOU WEARING A LOOK OF SATISFACTION?

Are you wearing a look of satisfaction?
Well that blush is a tell-tale sight
You have clearly been indulging
In a spot of afternoon delight

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 304

There was a Ship sailed away to Spain
All the way there it was lashed with rain
And when they arrived at last in Spain
Where the rain didn’t fall in the main
As Higgins suggested on the plain

A Little Bit Of Humour # 22

MY UNCLE GROWS VEG

My uncle grows veg
Not for eating though
He is after prizes
At the garden show

Every waking hour
He nurtures and nurses
Mixing up solutions
As he coaxes and coerces

Enormous Marrows
Giant Asparagus
Towering Celery
And humungous fungus

THEY LACK COMMON SENSE

They lack Common sense
Their failing is immense
But in their defence
It’s the addled essence
Of their adolescence

IN THE LONDON MARATHON

In the London marathon
One of my friends ran
Dressed as a chicken
While another one ran
Dressed as an egg
I don’t know who came first

ON LIFE’S JOURNEY WE ARE ALL

On life’s journey we are all
Looking for the one
And I can safely say that I
Married the one
On a scale of one to ten
She was a one

I PICKED UP A HITCHHIKER TODAY

I picked up a hitchhiker today
I know you’re not supposed to
But as I knocked him down
It was the least I could do

I WATCHED A RIVETING DOCUMENTARY

I watched a riveting documentary
On television last night
It was all about how ships were
Put together by shipwrights

MY GIRLFRIEND SAYS SHE’S MIDDLE CLASS

My girlfriend says she’s middle class
And I laugh in her face
She’s clearly working class
Because at her dads place
They have a television
That’s bigger than their bookcase

IT SEEMS THAT PORNOGRAPHY

It seems that pornography
Is frowned upon
But I think that’s just all
The concentration

IT’S NOT THE ANGLE OF DANGLE

It’s not the angle of dangle
That’s the measure of pleasure
It’s the moments in the afterglow
That we ultimately treasure

DO YOU WANT BABY SPINACH

“Do you want Baby Spinach?
Or Water Cress Dad”
My daughter asked me
And I went completely mad
“For God’s sake just choose one
It’s not Rocket Salad”

WHERE’S THE BLOODY TORCH

“Where’s the bloody Torch?”
My wife asked angrily
“I don’t know where it is
Perhaps you could enlighten me”
“Well not without the Torch”
I replied curtly

MY GIRLFRIEND SAYS SHE’S WORKING CLASS

My girlfriend says she’s working class
And I just have to laugh
As not one of them as far as I can see
Has ever worked in her family

Wide World Of Sport

WE HAVE A GREAT WELSH INTERNATIONAL

We have a great Welsh international
Known affectionately as Griff
Well when I say he’s Welsh
His parents once went to Cardiff

BERNHARD CARL "BERT" TRAUTMANN, OBE

(22 OCTOBER 1923 – 19 JULY 2013)

We have just seen the passing of a true sporting legend.
Bert Trautmann was born and bred during the toughest of times to be a german, during the inter-war years.
During the second world war he fought for three years as a paratrooper on the Eastern Front, where he was awarded five medals one of which being the Iron Cross.
But it was towards the end of the war that he was transferred to the Western Front where he was captured by the British.
He spent his captivity in a prisoner-of-war camp in Lancashire at Ashton-in-Makerfield, where he worked on the land until his release date in 1948.
At that point Trautmann refused repatriation, and chose instead to settle in Lancashire continuing to work on the land as a farm labourer.
In his spare time he played as a goalkeeper for his local football team St Helens Town. Where his performances brought him to the attention of First Division side Manchester City for whom he signed in October 1949.
However in a City that suffered terribly at the hands of the Luftwaffe the club's decision to sign a former German paratrooper sparked huge protests.
But through his performances he won over all but the hardest hearts and was accepted,
It was in 1956 that Bert Trautmann entered football folklore when he played for Man City in the FA Cup Final against Birmingham City and played the last 17 minutes of the match with a broken neck on the way to winning the cup.
He continued to play for Manchester City until his retirement in 1964 after making 545 appearances for the club.
In 2004 he was honoured with the Order of the British Empire (OBE),

WE HAVE A MIDFIELD GENERAL # 1

We have a midfield General
Who’s really completive and hard
But everyone that we play
Just think he’s a dirty bastard

IN THE PROGRAM THEY SAY

In the program they say
He’s a real seasoned player
But what they really mean
Is he’s past it the poor geezer

IN THE PROGRAM THEY SAY OF HIM

In the program they say of him
That he is a loyal player to the team
But in truth no other club
Will have him it would seem

VERY ECONOMICAL WITH THE BALL

Very economical with the ball
That is a quality worth merit
Our captain is only economical
As he’s too slow to get near it

WE HAVE A GREAT IRISH INTERNATIONAL

We have a great Irish international
By the name of Kevin O’Rourke
Well when I say he’s Irish
His parents once went to Cork

OUR TEAM PLAY AT AN HISTORIC GROUND

Our team play at an historic ground
We on the terraces all proudly roar
All the visiting fans shout in reply
That it’s an old run down eye sore

WE HAVE A MIDFIELD GENERAL # 2

We have a midfield General
Highly talented but temperamental
A hard working terrier
But on a bad day he’s just mental

IF YOUR TEAM IS DOING WELL

If your team is doing well
You can carry a player with flare
But if they’re doing badly
He’s no more than a waste of air

IF NANI WAS IN YOUR TEAM

If Nani was in your team
Would you enjoy his flare?
Well I can tell it has its place
But he just shows off to be fair

I WAS DRIVING HOME AFTER THE MATCH

I was driving home after the match
Listening to the report on the BBC
It was described as a fascinating contest
Which surprised the hell out of me
Far from being an interesting match
It was the most boring thing you could see

HE’S AN INSTINCTIVE PLAYER

He’s an instinctive player
A natural and prodigious talent
Or so they say, I think its
More by luck than judgment

BERT TRAUTMANN

Goalkeeper Bert Trautmann
Was from a different age
When top flight players
Were not spoilt and pampered
He didn’t live in a mansion
Or have a selection of sports cars
To get to work on match days
From his home in Stockport
To Maine road in Manchester
He had to catch two buses.

WE HAVE A GREAT SCOTTISH INTERNATIONAL

We have a great Scottish international
By the name of Jim McKee
Well when I say he’s a Scottish
His parents once went to Dundee

A Little Bit Of Humour # 21

MEMORY OF AN ELEPHANT

Apparently my Dad
Has the memory of an Elephant
When he was a boy
He went Zoo and saw an Elephant

MY FATHER WAS TRYING TO EXPLAIN

My Father was trying to explain
About anaphylactic shock again
And wasn’t doing it very well
I could have explained it in a nutshell

I AM NOT IN ANY WAY INTERESTED IN

I am not in any way interested in
An alternative energy supplier
Because if I said I was unhappy
With food I would be a liar

MY CAT IS A FUSSY EATER # 1

My cat is a fussy eater
That’s not uncommon for a Siamese
And for breakfast she will only eat
A bowl of Mice Crispies

SHE WAS A VERY BIG LASS

She was a very big lass
And Apple shaped I suppose
But she was dressed
In quite unsuitable clothes

Beige Lycra pedal pushers
And a long white clingy top
They would have looked better
Left hanging in the shop

It certainly was a sight
I wouldn’t easily forget
As I watched her in the sun
Looking like a melting cornet

LOOKING FOR A NEW START

My wife and I were
Looking for a new start
So I bought a Waterbed
To rekindle loves spark
Something fresh and exciting
But we just drifted apart

A CARELESSLY DISCARDED MATCH

A carelessly discarded match
Can start a forest fire
Yet it takes a whole box
To light your bonfire

RCN HYMN

From the wards of emphysema
To the floors of maternity
We are proud to all be members
Of the nursing fraternity

We work for the sake of patients
As keep our hospital clean:
And we fight the daily battles
In blue or white or green

THE DISAPPEARANCE OF A MUMMY

The disappearance of a mummy
Was investigated by Inspector Grace
And with his years of experience
He soon wrapped up the case

MY CAT IS A FUSSY EATER # 2

My cat is a fussy eater
That’s not uncommon for a Siamese
And some days only RATatouille
On a bed of Mice will please

I WAS AT A FANCY DRESS PARTY

I was at a fancy dress party
And looking for something tarty
I was beginning to lose hope
When I got an unexpected grope
And I was forced to conclude
When things got decidedly rude
That for the very best nooky
You should do it with a Wooky

JULIUS CAESAR’S APPROACH

Julius Caesar’s approach
May have been absurd
But a different approach
Was what he preferred
Which is why he came,
He saw, he concurred

Varied Poems

HOW THEY EXPLOIT OUR COMPASSION

How they exploit our compassion
With emotional blackmail
They paint us
Pitiful tableaux’s
Of fly ridden waifs
Babies at barren breasts
Or portrait images
Of sad saucer eyed children
Beaten and bruised
Or maybe its pictures
Of Maltreated beasts
That pluck at your heartstrings
The tactics used are quite crude
But anything goes
In the “No holds barred”
World of charity fundraising
As long as they can extract
Our 3 pounds a month
While the poor unfortunates,
The sad stars of the charity show
Are merely lost leaders

CERIDWEN

The welsh enchantress,
Goddess Ceridwen
Celtic goddess of rebirth
And transformation
Keeper of the cauldron
Of poetic inspiration
Mother and daughter
Heroine of the wiccan

BLOOD MAY WELL BE THICKER THAN WATER

Blood may well be thicker than water
But to a son or daughter
When it comes to Parenthood
This should be understood
There’s more to it you see
What makes a parent is proximity

THE LIGHTHOUSE

The Lighthouse, with
Lantern burning bright
Stands sentinel
A beacon in the night
Steadfastly gazing out
Its piercing light
Cutting through the dark
Warning those at sea
In peril or plight
And providing all
With its piercing light
In the darkest hour
A comforting sight

IN TIMES OF PERIL

In times of peril
And personal plight
Backs against the wall
Stay strong and fight
But keep your integrity
Do things right
With merciful compassion
Fight the good fight
And in the end
Adversity will take flight
And victory be attained
By right over might

A THOUSAND SOULS

A thousand souls
Plus half a thousand more
Never again to feel
Land beneath their feet
Lost to the icy deep
For man’s conceit
And lay their still
In companionable rest
Beneath the icy sea
With the unsinkable lady
Of the White Star Line

EVERYONE WANTS TO BE THE STAR

Everyone wants to be the star
Of their own life story
But life isn’t like a movie
You don’t get the chance
To re-take the scenes you mess up
And it isn’t like a play
That can be painstakingly rehearsed
You have to go on cold
You may dry up or miss your cue
Or fluff your lines
You may need prompting
You will probably have to improvise
But it’s up to you how the drama unfolds
And whether you are hero or villain

AS JIMINY CRICKET FAMOUSLY SAID

As Jiminy Cricket famously said
“Let conscience be your guide”
It’s a simple enough philosophy
Listen to the voice of reason
Keep compassion in your heart
And integrity at your core
And you won’t go far wrong