DREAMS ARE REALLY VERY ODD # 1
Dreams are really very odd
Last night I sat up in bed
Clutching a pillow to my chest
And then I loudly said
I’m off up the garden
To bury the dog
My wife barked “You silly sod,
We haven’t got a dog”
DREAMS ARE REALLY VERY ODD # 2
Dreams are really very odd
Last night my wife sat up and said
“Tell Lionel to stop
It’s really hurting my head”
I enquired politely
What the hell she was on about
“Lionel Blair is in the wardrobe
Get the tosser out”
Now considering the early hour
I had the patience of Job
And softly said “Why would he
Be in our wardrobe”?
A fare question, I thought
She just gave me a frown
“Tap dancing you idiot”
And then she lay back down
DREAMS ARE REALLY VERY ODD # 3
Dreams are an odd part of life
Last night my considerate wife
Woke me from my slumber to declare
“It was so bloody unfair”
I said “what on earth is wrong?
“What’s unfair, what’s going on?
“The life of a sports journalist”
She replied and she wasn’t even pissed
Friday 10 June 2011
PUT DOWNS
PUT DOWN # 40
Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
And if they are relentless
And as thick as granite
Just say to him
"Do they ever shut up on your planet?"
PUT DOWN # 41
Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
And if he is relentless
One of those persistant fellas
Just say at the top of your voice
"No I wont f*ck you for 100 dollars!"
PUT DOWN # 42
Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
If he should hesitate over your name
Then that’s your cue
Just say to him
"Don't worry. I forgot your name, too!"
PUT DOWN # 43
Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
If he offers you champayne
And celebrates like a winner
Just say to him
"Are you drinking your dinner?"
PUT DOWN # 44
Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
If he sugest he is your prince
Come to rescue you from your plight
Just say to him
"You live with your mom still, right?"
PUT DOWN # 45
Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
A best with animal magnetism
Is what he will probably think
Just say to him
"So you're the missing link"
PUT DOWN # 46
Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
“Let me make mad passionate love to you”
He may say seductivly
Just reply to him
'Did I mention the kick in the balls you'll if you touch me?'
Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
And if they are relentless
And as thick as granite
Just say to him
"Do they ever shut up on your planet?"
PUT DOWN # 41
Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
And if he is relentless
One of those persistant fellas
Just say at the top of your voice
"No I wont f*ck you for 100 dollars!"
PUT DOWN # 42
Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
If he should hesitate over your name
Then that’s your cue
Just say to him
"Don't worry. I forgot your name, too!"
PUT DOWN # 43
Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
If he offers you champayne
And celebrates like a winner
Just say to him
"Are you drinking your dinner?"
PUT DOWN # 44
Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
If he sugest he is your prince
Come to rescue you from your plight
Just say to him
"You live with your mom still, right?"
PUT DOWN # 45
Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
A best with animal magnetism
Is what he will probably think
Just say to him
"So you're the missing link"
PUT DOWN # 46
Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
“Let me make mad passionate love to you”
He may say seductivly
Just reply to him
'Did I mention the kick in the balls you'll if you touch me?'
MORE 21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 202
Mary, Mary quite contrary
This is what I want to know
With an Adams apple
And the razors dapple
Are you really a girl, yes or no?
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 203
Rub-a-dub-dub,
Margarine in a tub,
Without any butter the table is bare
The crumpets, the muffins,
Bread from the loaf tins
They all need to be buttered thick
For the most satisfyingly simple fare
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 204
Rub-a-dub-dub,
Thanks for the grub,
Without the Lord no one would care
The father the son
And the spiritual one
The guardian angels of heavens host
They all make sure the tables not bare
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 205
Rub-a-dub-dub,
Three men in a Pub,
And how do you think they got there?
The butcher, the baker,
The candlestick-maker,
They can’t remember to tell the truth
And to be honest they don’t really care
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 206
The fair maid who, the first of May
Goes to the fields at break of day,
And picks strawberries ripe and juicy
Isn’t a native of this country
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 207
The King of France went up the hill
With twenty thousand men;
The King of France came down the hill,
As it was coffee time again
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 208
The man in the moon came tumbling down
And asked his way to Norwich;
You should have gone to Specsavers
Said a cheeky man from Ipswich
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 209
The man in the wilderness asked me
“How many strawberries grew in the sea”
I answered him, as I thought fit,
Leave me alone you annoying little shit
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 210
There was a fat man of Bombay,
Who was smoking one sunshiny day,
When a government lackey
Confiscated all his backy
And fined the fat man of Bombay
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 211
There was a jolly miller once
Lived on the river Dee;
He worked and sang from morn till night,
And that was really annoying to me
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 212
There was a little boy and a little girl,
Lived in an alley;
Says the little boy to the little girl,
"How about it Sally?"
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 213
There was a man in Thessaly,
And he was wondrous wise,
He helped us and we wouldn’t have found
That sports bar otherwise
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 214
There was a monkey
Climbed up a tree;
No it’s the boy from next door,
Silly me
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 215
Little Tommy Tittlemouse
Lived in a little house;
And his missus
Made him wash the dishes
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 216
Mary had a pretty bird,
Plumage bright and yellow,
Slender legs, upon this bird
Mary didn’t need a fellow
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 217
Bessie Bell and Mary Gray,
They were two bonnie lasses:
They built their house upon the lea,
And were visited by flashers
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 218
There was an old wife
Who did eat an apple;
But she spat it out,
“Bloody Golden Delicious”
Mary, Mary quite contrary
This is what I want to know
With an Adams apple
And the razors dapple
Are you really a girl, yes or no?
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 203
Rub-a-dub-dub,
Margarine in a tub,
Without any butter the table is bare
The crumpets, the muffins,
Bread from the loaf tins
They all need to be buttered thick
For the most satisfyingly simple fare
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 204
Rub-a-dub-dub,
Thanks for the grub,
Without the Lord no one would care
The father the son
And the spiritual one
The guardian angels of heavens host
They all make sure the tables not bare
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 205
Rub-a-dub-dub,
Three men in a Pub,
And how do you think they got there?
The butcher, the baker,
The candlestick-maker,
They can’t remember to tell the truth
And to be honest they don’t really care
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 206
The fair maid who, the first of May
Goes to the fields at break of day,
And picks strawberries ripe and juicy
Isn’t a native of this country
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 207
The King of France went up the hill
With twenty thousand men;
The King of France came down the hill,
As it was coffee time again
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 208
The man in the moon came tumbling down
And asked his way to Norwich;
You should have gone to Specsavers
Said a cheeky man from Ipswich
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 209
The man in the wilderness asked me
“How many strawberries grew in the sea”
I answered him, as I thought fit,
Leave me alone you annoying little shit
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 210
There was a fat man of Bombay,
Who was smoking one sunshiny day,
When a government lackey
Confiscated all his backy
And fined the fat man of Bombay
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 211
There was a jolly miller once
Lived on the river Dee;
He worked and sang from morn till night,
And that was really annoying to me
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 212
There was a little boy and a little girl,
Lived in an alley;
Says the little boy to the little girl,
"How about it Sally?"
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 213
There was a man in Thessaly,
And he was wondrous wise,
He helped us and we wouldn’t have found
That sports bar otherwise
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 214
There was a monkey
Climbed up a tree;
No it’s the boy from next door,
Silly me
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 215
Little Tommy Tittlemouse
Lived in a little house;
And his missus
Made him wash the dishes
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 216
Mary had a pretty bird,
Plumage bright and yellow,
Slender legs, upon this bird
Mary didn’t need a fellow
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 217
Bessie Bell and Mary Gray,
They were two bonnie lasses:
They built their house upon the lea,
And were visited by flashers
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 218
There was an old wife
Who did eat an apple;
But she spat it out,
“Bloody Golden Delicious”
Wednesday 4 May 2011
Variety
BIX
Leon Bismark "Bix" Beiderbecke
(March 10, 1903 – August 6, 1931)
It was said of Bix
That his Cornet spat out notes
Like shooting bullets at a bell
And his solos sounded as sweet
As a girl saying yes.
Bix Beiderbecke was simply the best
He was at the birth of hot music
His light illuminated
The jazz age
His Cornet accompanied
The roaring twenties
He was a romantic legend,
The young man with a Horn
But in keeping with the character
Of the very best of youth
His flame burned very brightly
But equally it burned quickly
And like the most beautiful star
He burned himself out
All too soon
Bix lived for the jazz
But died for the booze
ARTIE
When Artie Shaw
Was the King of Swing
His liquorice stick
Was made to sing
With a beat
To tap your toe too
Or melodies
To serenade you
Swing to get the kids
A jumping
Tunes to get the blood
A pumping
Artie Shaw and his
Tuneful clarinet
The King of Swing
Was as good as they get
I PRAY FOR PEACE
I pray for peace around the world
Each day on bended knee
So why does such a prayer of peace
Go unanswered, answer me
Its not that God doesn’t hear the prayer
He wants the same you see
God prays for peace around the world
Each day on bended knee
But his prayers remain unanswered
For mankind is deafened to his plea
MAKING DO
We certainly don’t have a lot
But we are content with what we’ve got
We may not be among the wealthiest
But we are certainly among the happiest
Because we don’t have to have the best of everything
We just make the best of everything we have
PHILOSOPHY OF LIFE
Here is an important life tip
That will help you like as not
If you see a lot, take a few
If you see a few, take the lot
THE BLUE JEAN BOY
The blue jean boy
His black Perfecto
Over his white T
Just watched Brando
In The Wild Ones
Wanted to hit the road and go
The blue jean boy
Told his brother Michael
That he was a wild one
And he bought a motorcycle
The blue jean boy
Took to the road he chose
What happened that day
Nobody really knows
But when he hit the road
Blue jean boy never arose
A MELLOW FELLOW
A mellow fellow
A fellow in yellow
A fellow called Morello
Morello played the cello
Morello didn’t bellow
Morello was mellow
The fellow ate his jello
His jello was yellow
Mellow yellow jello
For a mellow fellow
LADY MARY
Mary, lady with the malady
The marmaladie lady
M’lady marmalade
Mary the marmaladie lady
Leon Bismark "Bix" Beiderbecke
(March 10, 1903 – August 6, 1931)
It was said of Bix
That his Cornet spat out notes
Like shooting bullets at a bell
And his solos sounded as sweet
As a girl saying yes.
Bix Beiderbecke was simply the best
He was at the birth of hot music
His light illuminated
The jazz age
His Cornet accompanied
The roaring twenties
He was a romantic legend,
The young man with a Horn
But in keeping with the character
Of the very best of youth
His flame burned very brightly
But equally it burned quickly
And like the most beautiful star
He burned himself out
All too soon
Bix lived for the jazz
But died for the booze
ARTIE
When Artie Shaw
Was the King of Swing
His liquorice stick
Was made to sing
With a beat
To tap your toe too
Or melodies
To serenade you
Swing to get the kids
A jumping
Tunes to get the blood
A pumping
Artie Shaw and his
Tuneful clarinet
The King of Swing
Was as good as they get
I PRAY FOR PEACE
I pray for peace around the world
Each day on bended knee
So why does such a prayer of peace
Go unanswered, answer me
Its not that God doesn’t hear the prayer
He wants the same you see
God prays for peace around the world
Each day on bended knee
But his prayers remain unanswered
For mankind is deafened to his plea
MAKING DO
We certainly don’t have a lot
But we are content with what we’ve got
We may not be among the wealthiest
But we are certainly among the happiest
Because we don’t have to have the best of everything
We just make the best of everything we have
PHILOSOPHY OF LIFE
Here is an important life tip
That will help you like as not
If you see a lot, take a few
If you see a few, take the lot
THE BLUE JEAN BOY
The blue jean boy
His black Perfecto
Over his white T
Just watched Brando
In The Wild Ones
Wanted to hit the road and go
The blue jean boy
Told his brother Michael
That he was a wild one
And he bought a motorcycle
The blue jean boy
Took to the road he chose
What happened that day
Nobody really knows
But when he hit the road
Blue jean boy never arose
A MELLOW FELLOW
A mellow fellow
A fellow in yellow
A fellow called Morello
Morello played the cello
Morello didn’t bellow
Morello was mellow
The fellow ate his jello
His jello was yellow
Mellow yellow jello
For a mellow fellow
LADY MARY
Mary, lady with the malady
The marmaladie lady
M’lady marmalade
Mary the marmaladie lady
Just A Bit Humerous
CUTTING EDGE LENS TECHNOLOGY
My son just bought the most amazing camera
With super fast shutter speed, “on the edge of the cut”
And when he photographed my wife and I
He managed to snap her with her mouth shut
SPAM, SPAM AND MORE SPAM
I keep getting spam emails
From Ms Fatale Attraction
Who is a bored housewife
Looking for some hot action
With a younger man, if poss
So if I keep receiving her siren-ing
I might just reply to her
Then I can send her my ironing
THE RIGHT QUESTION
“You probably get this quite a lot I expect,
So I’ll make it quick and not prolong,
Aren’t you the chap who invented Tippex?,
You are, are you not; correct me if I’m wrong”
TUNNEL OF SELF LOVE
When a narcissists riding of
The tunnel of love is planned
He’ll want to sit alone in a car
So he can hold his own hand
A FISHY DEMISE
I’ve lost all of my tropical fish
And it’s my neighbour I have to thank
Because he plays his music so loud
It caused a tsunami in my fish tank
SIR CUMFERENCE OF CAMELOT
Sir Cumference of Camelot
Could eclipse the sun in the sky
With the bulk of his obesity
Though he didn’t know why
His physician warned him that
Left unchecked he would die
But he had a hearty appetite
And that was the reason why
Sir Cumference of Camelot
Could eclipse the sun in the sky
And the immensity of his girth
Was caused, by too much pi
DOG-DAY AFTERNOON
I start in the morning
With a spring in my step
Like an excited puppy
Full of vigour and pep
But at the end of the day
I walk with a heavier step
And feel less like a puppy
And more like “old shep”
THE MEASURE OF A MAN
Bimbette and Peaches were standing by a flagpole,
Looking up at it in a rather puzzled way
When they were asked what the were doing
By a pleasant young man passing their way
“We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole
But we don't have a ladder” Said Bimbette with a frown
The young man took a spanner from his pocket
Loosened a few bolts and laid the flagpole down
He then took a tape measure from his other pocket,
Took a few measurements, and said it was 18 feet
Then he returned the flagpole to its previous condition
And strode off confidently down the street
Bimbette said “How like a man!! give me strength,
You ask him for the height and he gives you the length
TRAFFIC CALMING MEASURES
The highways departmentt have decided
In a review of speed management
To replace the current
Traffic calming measures
No more speed bumps
Or chicanes
Flashing road signs or traffic cameras
No bollards or over painted road surfaces
A newer cheaper alternative has been found
To promote road safety
So the highways dept have decided
Just to stop repairing potholes
Because they really slow drivers down
A SMALL STATISTIC
Here is a statistic
That is a bit crappy
Only one in seven dwarves
Are actually happy
PERSONAL BANKING
I went to my bank yesterday
As I went to work, it’s on my way
I said to the cashier Miss Valance
“Hello can you check my balance”
She replied “yes certainly Mr. Dover”
Then walked round and pushed me over
BUSAN TO SEOUL
I’m moving from Busan to Seoul
But my family don’t approve
But I start a new job in Seoul next week
And it’s a good Korea move
FUMING WIFE
My wife was tragically overcome
By a very unsavory hum
To which she did succumb
As a result of the deadly aroma
By wife of ten years, Oma
Now lies prone in a coma
But the main reason I’m so glum
Is that the offending noxious hum
Actually emanated from my bum
So my dear wife alas and alack
Now lays motionless on her back
Because of her husbands gas attack
DEATH AT SEA
I fight for my life
In the icy water
But fatigue overcomes me
And I succumb
To the welcoming waters
And as I slip beneath the waves
My life replays before me
Like an old home movie
And I think to my self
As my life ebbs away
Damn that was boring
BREATH OF WIND
To break wind alfresco
Seems to me such a waste
If you can feel it coming
Move inside with all haste
Stand under the air conditioning
Then everyone gets a taste
DISRESPECTING THE BOSS
Gwen looks like Mavis Cruet,
The plump clumsy fairy,
The one from Willo the Wisp
All warty and hairy
Mavis was too fat too fly
With erratic magical powers
Gwen knows what we call her
And she sits in her office and glowers
She may look like Mavis Cruet,
But in truth she’s like Evil Edna
And she will wreak her revenge
Because she’s our employer
ST ANTHONY
St Anthony is a patron saint
Of lost things, articles and bits
I once had a St Anthony Medal
But I don’t know where to find it
MILESTONE BIRTHDAY
I’ve been dreading, turning forty,
But it occurred to me then
That I won’t really be 40
I’ll just be thirty 10
SENIOR RETIREMENT
At last I’m retired
It’s just what I desired
So goodbye to the tension
And hello to my pension
PARTY ANIMAL
I went to a party
And I really dressed to kill
A werewolf and a full moon
Seemed to fit the bill
ABRASIVE BEHAVIOUR
I have been charged with murdering a man
With sandpaper, the really course grit
But I’m pleading it down to manslaughter
Because I only meant to rough him up a bit
EMBRACE WITH CAUTION
Embracing is good, I like to hug, and I like to cuddle
But you should be very careful I would say
As there’s a very fine line between a cuddle
And holding them down so they can't get away
ELEMENTARY TAXI
I jumped into the cab
'Conan Doyle’s Close driver'
Don't worry; he said,
We’ll lose him at the lights Guvna
PARTY GUEST
I went to a party
And I really dressed to kill
The SAS combat fatigues
Seemed to fit the bill
LOST PROPERTY INQUIRY
“Good morning,
Is that lost property?
I have misplaced some articles
Could you possibly help me?
The last time I had them?
Was on a train to Waterloo
Traveling from Rowland’s Castle
I think it was the 9.22
The items are of particular import,
The first item was my heart,
Which has been returned,
In a state of disrepair, but it’s a start
Other articles include, my dignity,
My self respect, have you seen them at all?
What about my back bone
Or perhaps you have found my balls”
IN CASE OF EMERGENCY
Whenever my wife fills in a form for me
And it asks who to notify in an emergency
She always writes down her name, what for?
I don’t want her called, she’s not a doctor
TGIF
I have just looked at the clock
And it’s left me feeling great
Its 4 o’clock on Friday afternoon
Or what I like to call the home straight
THE LOCAL CHEMIST
A pub landlord
Is just a pharmacist
With a more limited
Inventory list
SAY IT AS IT IS
Velveteen isn’t Velvet
And Sateen isn’t silk
A sours ear isn’t a purse
And UHT isn’t milk
My son just bought the most amazing camera
With super fast shutter speed, “on the edge of the cut”
And when he photographed my wife and I
He managed to snap her with her mouth shut
SPAM, SPAM AND MORE SPAM
I keep getting spam emails
From Ms Fatale Attraction
Who is a bored housewife
Looking for some hot action
With a younger man, if poss
So if I keep receiving her siren-ing
I might just reply to her
Then I can send her my ironing
THE RIGHT QUESTION
“You probably get this quite a lot I expect,
So I’ll make it quick and not prolong,
Aren’t you the chap who invented Tippex?,
You are, are you not; correct me if I’m wrong”
TUNNEL OF SELF LOVE
When a narcissists riding of
The tunnel of love is planned
He’ll want to sit alone in a car
So he can hold his own hand
A FISHY DEMISE
I’ve lost all of my tropical fish
And it’s my neighbour I have to thank
Because he plays his music so loud
It caused a tsunami in my fish tank
SIR CUMFERENCE OF CAMELOT
Sir Cumference of Camelot
Could eclipse the sun in the sky
With the bulk of his obesity
Though he didn’t know why
His physician warned him that
Left unchecked he would die
But he had a hearty appetite
And that was the reason why
Sir Cumference of Camelot
Could eclipse the sun in the sky
And the immensity of his girth
Was caused, by too much pi
DOG-DAY AFTERNOON
I start in the morning
With a spring in my step
Like an excited puppy
Full of vigour and pep
But at the end of the day
I walk with a heavier step
And feel less like a puppy
And more like “old shep”
THE MEASURE OF A MAN
Bimbette and Peaches were standing by a flagpole,
Looking up at it in a rather puzzled way
When they were asked what the were doing
By a pleasant young man passing their way
“We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole
But we don't have a ladder” Said Bimbette with a frown
The young man took a spanner from his pocket
Loosened a few bolts and laid the flagpole down
He then took a tape measure from his other pocket,
Took a few measurements, and said it was 18 feet
Then he returned the flagpole to its previous condition
And strode off confidently down the street
Bimbette said “How like a man!! give me strength,
You ask him for the height and he gives you the length
TRAFFIC CALMING MEASURES
The highways departmentt have decided
In a review of speed management
To replace the current
Traffic calming measures
No more speed bumps
Or chicanes
Flashing road signs or traffic cameras
No bollards or over painted road surfaces
A newer cheaper alternative has been found
To promote road safety
So the highways dept have decided
Just to stop repairing potholes
Because they really slow drivers down
A SMALL STATISTIC
Here is a statistic
That is a bit crappy
Only one in seven dwarves
Are actually happy
PERSONAL BANKING
I went to my bank yesterday
As I went to work, it’s on my way
I said to the cashier Miss Valance
“Hello can you check my balance”
She replied “yes certainly Mr. Dover”
Then walked round and pushed me over
BUSAN TO SEOUL
I’m moving from Busan to Seoul
But my family don’t approve
But I start a new job in Seoul next week
And it’s a good Korea move
FUMING WIFE
My wife was tragically overcome
By a very unsavory hum
To which she did succumb
As a result of the deadly aroma
By wife of ten years, Oma
Now lies prone in a coma
But the main reason I’m so glum
Is that the offending noxious hum
Actually emanated from my bum
So my dear wife alas and alack
Now lays motionless on her back
Because of her husbands gas attack
DEATH AT SEA
I fight for my life
In the icy water
But fatigue overcomes me
And I succumb
To the welcoming waters
And as I slip beneath the waves
My life replays before me
Like an old home movie
And I think to my self
As my life ebbs away
Damn that was boring
BREATH OF WIND
To break wind alfresco
Seems to me such a waste
If you can feel it coming
Move inside with all haste
Stand under the air conditioning
Then everyone gets a taste
DISRESPECTING THE BOSS
Gwen looks like Mavis Cruet,
The plump clumsy fairy,
The one from Willo the Wisp
All warty and hairy
Mavis was too fat too fly
With erratic magical powers
Gwen knows what we call her
And she sits in her office and glowers
She may look like Mavis Cruet,
But in truth she’s like Evil Edna
And she will wreak her revenge
Because she’s our employer
ST ANTHONY
St Anthony is a patron saint
Of lost things, articles and bits
I once had a St Anthony Medal
But I don’t know where to find it
MILESTONE BIRTHDAY
I’ve been dreading, turning forty,
But it occurred to me then
That I won’t really be 40
I’ll just be thirty 10
SENIOR RETIREMENT
At last I’m retired
It’s just what I desired
So goodbye to the tension
And hello to my pension
PARTY ANIMAL
I went to a party
And I really dressed to kill
A werewolf and a full moon
Seemed to fit the bill
ABRASIVE BEHAVIOUR
I have been charged with murdering a man
With sandpaper, the really course grit
But I’m pleading it down to manslaughter
Because I only meant to rough him up a bit
EMBRACE WITH CAUTION
Embracing is good, I like to hug, and I like to cuddle
But you should be very careful I would say
As there’s a very fine line between a cuddle
And holding them down so they can't get away
ELEMENTARY TAXI
I jumped into the cab
'Conan Doyle’s Close driver'
Don't worry; he said,
We’ll lose him at the lights Guvna
PARTY GUEST
I went to a party
And I really dressed to kill
The SAS combat fatigues
Seemed to fit the bill
LOST PROPERTY INQUIRY
“Good morning,
Is that lost property?
I have misplaced some articles
Could you possibly help me?
The last time I had them?
Was on a train to Waterloo
Traveling from Rowland’s Castle
I think it was the 9.22
The items are of particular import,
The first item was my heart,
Which has been returned,
In a state of disrepair, but it’s a start
Other articles include, my dignity,
My self respect, have you seen them at all?
What about my back bone
Or perhaps you have found my balls”
IN CASE OF EMERGENCY
Whenever my wife fills in a form for me
And it asks who to notify in an emergency
She always writes down her name, what for?
I don’t want her called, she’s not a doctor
TGIF
I have just looked at the clock
And it’s left me feeling great
Its 4 o’clock on Friday afternoon
Or what I like to call the home straight
THE LOCAL CHEMIST
A pub landlord
Is just a pharmacist
With a more limited
Inventory list
SAY IT AS IT IS
Velveteen isn’t Velvet
And Sateen isn’t silk
A sours ear isn’t a purse
And UHT isn’t milk
Poems Of A Sexual Nature
AWKWARD TEENAGE MOMENTS
The stress of being a teenager
Do you remember?
Especially the instant arousals
Of the little member
The slightest thought
Of a sexual nature
Instantly breathed life
Into your little creature
Your heart starts pumping
And the blood surges
To feed the beast
On sexual urges
All of which
Was fine and dandy
Providing of course you had
Your girlfriend handy
Or some privacy
Then there was no issue
Providing of course you had
A supply of tissue
Not so helpful
If you’re out walking
Or with your granny
Sat small talking
In any place
That you couldn’t touch
That I’m afraid
I didn’t like much
Like on the bus
Or on the train
When a girl gets on
And oh no not again
YOU CAN DO ANYTHING
You can wear an ankle bracelet
And have piercings through your bits
You can even have a tramp stamp
But don’t go messing with your tits
You can wear a thong up your bum
You can remove every hair you’ve grown
You can show everyone your belly
But please leave your tits alone
I’ll admit they’re not the biggest
But you have the perfect little pair
I don’t want you to look like Jordan
With two footballs hanging there
Your breasts were made by nature
And by definition they are perfection
I don’t want a surgeon Frankenstein
Messing with your lovely confections
PARTY FAVOURS DECLINED
She looked tarty
At the party
And I got the horn
Dancing with Dawn
Which was great
It was first rate
But I wasn’t thrilled
She left me chilled
The problem lay
I should say
Not in my arousal
At the carousal
But her rejection
Of my erection
THE GIRL WALKED LINGERIE FREE
All eyes turned towards her
The girl in the black silk dress
With stockined legs, black and sheer
The girl walked lingerie free
Her unfettered breasts
Moving freely beneath the silk
Her buttocks had a rhythm
When she walked that hypnotized
Each movement of her hips
Rolled and rounded
The perfect globes
And returned them with precision,
They moved them again
Her effortless movement
On high stiletto heels
I could only watch
In a heightened state of arousal
The effects on me
Both hypnotic and erotic
BENDY WENDY
Wendy was bendy
And a delight to behold
She was pliant and supple
And easy to fold
Wendy was bendy
Her pliancy had no end
And in the bedroom
She was my flexible friend
NUCLEAR PETUNIA
Nuclear Petunia was insatiable
A sexual being to her core
She would do it in a cupboard
She would do it on the floor
She never got exhausted
She just wanted more and more
Petunia truly was atomic
She just went on and on
And in between no respite
Just another nuclear fusion
LYCRA LADY?
The Lycra fitted her
Like a second skin.
Taut and seamless
Leaving every contour revealed
Each curve, each mound
Every peak and valley
Every ridge and canyon
Of her voluptuous landscape
Her immodesty shown
In stark relief
COMING OF AGE
When I was still but a boy
I went to visit a house of joy
And although I had to pay
I would honestly have to say
That for a coming of age event
It was the best quid I ever spent
The stress of being a teenager
Do you remember?
Especially the instant arousals
Of the little member
The slightest thought
Of a sexual nature
Instantly breathed life
Into your little creature
Your heart starts pumping
And the blood surges
To feed the beast
On sexual urges
All of which
Was fine and dandy
Providing of course you had
Your girlfriend handy
Or some privacy
Then there was no issue
Providing of course you had
A supply of tissue
Not so helpful
If you’re out walking
Or with your granny
Sat small talking
In any place
That you couldn’t touch
That I’m afraid
I didn’t like much
Like on the bus
Or on the train
When a girl gets on
And oh no not again
YOU CAN DO ANYTHING
You can wear an ankle bracelet
And have piercings through your bits
You can even have a tramp stamp
But don’t go messing with your tits
You can wear a thong up your bum
You can remove every hair you’ve grown
You can show everyone your belly
But please leave your tits alone
I’ll admit they’re not the biggest
But you have the perfect little pair
I don’t want you to look like Jordan
With two footballs hanging there
Your breasts were made by nature
And by definition they are perfection
I don’t want a surgeon Frankenstein
Messing with your lovely confections
PARTY FAVOURS DECLINED
She looked tarty
At the party
And I got the horn
Dancing with Dawn
Which was great
It was first rate
But I wasn’t thrilled
She left me chilled
The problem lay
I should say
Not in my arousal
At the carousal
But her rejection
Of my erection
THE GIRL WALKED LINGERIE FREE
All eyes turned towards her
The girl in the black silk dress
With stockined legs, black and sheer
The girl walked lingerie free
Her unfettered breasts
Moving freely beneath the silk
Her buttocks had a rhythm
When she walked that hypnotized
Each movement of her hips
Rolled and rounded
The perfect globes
And returned them with precision,
They moved them again
Her effortless movement
On high stiletto heels
I could only watch
In a heightened state of arousal
The effects on me
Both hypnotic and erotic
BENDY WENDY
Wendy was bendy
And a delight to behold
She was pliant and supple
And easy to fold
Wendy was bendy
Her pliancy had no end
And in the bedroom
She was my flexible friend
NUCLEAR PETUNIA
Nuclear Petunia was insatiable
A sexual being to her core
She would do it in a cupboard
She would do it on the floor
She never got exhausted
She just wanted more and more
Petunia truly was atomic
She just went on and on
And in between no respite
Just another nuclear fusion
LYCRA LADY?
The Lycra fitted her
Like a second skin.
Taut and seamless
Leaving every contour revealed
Each curve, each mound
Every peak and valley
Every ridge and canyon
Of her voluptuous landscape
Her immodesty shown
In stark relief
COMING OF AGE
When I was still but a boy
I went to visit a house of joy
And although I had to pay
I would honestly have to say
That for a coming of age event
It was the best quid I ever spent
Words on Love # 5
AWOKEN
You have awoken the sleeping beast
That was my heart of black
You have awakened the feelings
That died in me a long time back
You have made my senses tingle
You have made my pulses race
You have filled me with a glow
And brought a smile back to my face
Now the sleeping beast has awoken
I just thought you should know
You have given me new life
And I will always love you so
WE ARE AT THE BEGINNING
We are at the beginning
We are barely on our way
Love is still new and fresh
But I would just like to say
I want to grow old with you
Till we are both old and grey
I want us both to be together
Until our far off dying day
REMINISCING KISSING
I like to sit and reminisce
About that first, of many, kiss
We weren’t even a couple yet
We hadn’t really properly met
Two complete novices in the art
Yet we kissed from the start
Like masters of the kissing craft
With a passionate abiding graft
I like to sit and reminisce
About our special first kiss
GIVE UP BABE
Give up babe
Forget about me
Marry him
I know you want me baby
But it’s over
Don’t call me
Don't tell me you love me
Don’t be a bunny boiler
Don't speak
Don't ask me why
I don’t want to be cruel
The sun has gone down on us
It doesn’t make me feel good
That we’ve thrown it all away
So walk away
Don’t stop
Don’t look back
IN AN INTENSE GAZE
I’m holding you in my arms,
Staring into your green eyes,
And a feeling washes over me
A feeling of intense love
And it makes me smile
Then your eyes meet mine
In an intense gaze
And I see in the depths of your eyes
Recognition and I know
You love me the same
L FOR LIBRARIAN
I see you differently tonight
Not the bookish librarian
No beige sweater and slacks
No tied back hair
And sensible shoes
Tonight you are no quiet librarian
Tonight you prowl
On four inch heels
Tonight you are the huntress
On the black stockined legs
A lioness in a cocktail dress
Hair flowing like a mane
Who knew what lay beneath?
The shapeless beige
And baggy trousers
A woman hid beneath the drab
A woman with shape and form
Curves and undulations
Look under S for sexy
BOBBY SOXER
I’m in love with a 50’s teen
I’m in love with my Bobby Soxer.
Pony tail bobbing
Wearing my Letterman
Over her white blouse
Then the free-swinging
Poodle skirt
Defining her waist
And accentuating those hips.
A flattering swirl of skirt
Covers her skinny legs
She looks so cute
In her bobby socks
And saddle shoes
How I love it
When she kicks up
Her Mary Jane’s
As we bop at the sock hop
MY SWEATER GIRL
Nobody filled a sweater
Quite like my sweater girl
And no one in a poodle skirt
Could match her swing and swirl
Nobody could cut a rug
Like my sweater girl could do
And when it came to necking
She’d be the one for you
It didn’t matter what she wore
She was the cutest by a mile
In PF Fliers and pedal pushers
Or at the hop putting on the style
Nobody filled a sweater
Like my sweater girl could
And if I could go back fifty years
Then I promise you I would
JUNE IN THE DUNES
On the longest day in June
The songsters croon
Beneath the summer moon
But lovers play a different tune
In the quiet of the dune
Finds loves passions strewn
Where lovers fondly spoon
And Terry makes love to June
He begs the morn not to come to soon
She similarly begs him to attune
You have awoken the sleeping beast
That was my heart of black
You have awakened the feelings
That died in me a long time back
You have made my senses tingle
You have made my pulses race
You have filled me with a glow
And brought a smile back to my face
Now the sleeping beast has awoken
I just thought you should know
You have given me new life
And I will always love you so
WE ARE AT THE BEGINNING
We are at the beginning
We are barely on our way
Love is still new and fresh
But I would just like to say
I want to grow old with you
Till we are both old and grey
I want us both to be together
Until our far off dying day
REMINISCING KISSING
I like to sit and reminisce
About that first, of many, kiss
We weren’t even a couple yet
We hadn’t really properly met
Two complete novices in the art
Yet we kissed from the start
Like masters of the kissing craft
With a passionate abiding graft
I like to sit and reminisce
About our special first kiss
GIVE UP BABE
Give up babe
Forget about me
Marry him
I know you want me baby
But it’s over
Don’t call me
Don't tell me you love me
Don’t be a bunny boiler
Don't speak
Don't ask me why
I don’t want to be cruel
The sun has gone down on us
It doesn’t make me feel good
That we’ve thrown it all away
So walk away
Don’t stop
Don’t look back
IN AN INTENSE GAZE
I’m holding you in my arms,
Staring into your green eyes,
And a feeling washes over me
A feeling of intense love
And it makes me smile
Then your eyes meet mine
In an intense gaze
And I see in the depths of your eyes
Recognition and I know
You love me the same
L FOR LIBRARIAN
I see you differently tonight
Not the bookish librarian
No beige sweater and slacks
No tied back hair
And sensible shoes
Tonight you are no quiet librarian
Tonight you prowl
On four inch heels
Tonight you are the huntress
On the black stockined legs
A lioness in a cocktail dress
Hair flowing like a mane
Who knew what lay beneath?
The shapeless beige
And baggy trousers
A woman hid beneath the drab
A woman with shape and form
Curves and undulations
Look under S for sexy
BOBBY SOXER
I’m in love with a 50’s teen
I’m in love with my Bobby Soxer.
Pony tail bobbing
Wearing my Letterman
Over her white blouse
Then the free-swinging
Poodle skirt
Defining her waist
And accentuating those hips.
A flattering swirl of skirt
Covers her skinny legs
She looks so cute
In her bobby socks
And saddle shoes
How I love it
When she kicks up
Her Mary Jane’s
As we bop at the sock hop
MY SWEATER GIRL
Nobody filled a sweater
Quite like my sweater girl
And no one in a poodle skirt
Could match her swing and swirl
Nobody could cut a rug
Like my sweater girl could do
And when it came to necking
She’d be the one for you
It didn’t matter what she wore
She was the cutest by a mile
In PF Fliers and pedal pushers
Or at the hop putting on the style
Nobody filled a sweater
Like my sweater girl could
And if I could go back fifty years
Then I promise you I would
JUNE IN THE DUNES
On the longest day in June
The songsters croon
Beneath the summer moon
But lovers play a different tune
In the quiet of the dune
Finds loves passions strewn
Where lovers fondly spoon
And Terry makes love to June
He begs the morn not to come to soon
She similarly begs him to attune
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