GO RYAN

 

Flying no frills airlines on the cheap

With no food served or space to sleep

Seats crammed in for them to capitalize

The seats only catering for average size

No in flight film or any entertainment

Very cheap but hardly money well spent

Air conditioning switched off to save cash

At best you’re like animals at worst trash

Poor service and you’re fed Recycled air

And no room in your uncomfortable chair

You must fight your way to have a pee

And you disembark with cramp or DVT

Well done to all of the inverted snobs

Who envied those with cash or better jobs

You have lowered the standards for us all

Bargain airlines now fly long and short haul

FACE OFF

 

I went out with a Welsh girl once

And she had a very bad complexion

With cuts and sores and abrasions

And maybe even a skin infection

I asked her what the problem was

But she was not the type to talk

It was one day at dinner I learned

It was eating with a knife and fork

ARE YOU WEARING A FASCINATOR?

 

Are you wearing a fascinator?

Well tell be more about that

Oh my imagination was all agog

But now you tell me it’s just a silly hat

THE BANK OF MUM AND DAD

 

When I bought my house

My parents kindly helped me

And now I really can’t

Thank them enough - apparently

OH DEAR WHAT CAN THE MATTER BE

Oh dear what can the matter be

Three old ladies locked in the lavatory

And it all happened last Saturday

And nobody knew they were there

 

The first old lady was totally batty

And she was in there each Saturday

As I say she was really quite batty

And nobody cared she was there

 

The second old lady said sweetly

“I’m no lady oh how you flatter me”

I’ve not been here before on a Saturday

And we were surprised she was there

 

The third old lady was an anomaly

He was a man called Ian from Battersea

He didn’t even know it was Saturday

And didn’t know why he was there

THE PLANE TRUTH

 

I would like to un-invent the aeroplane

It has shrunken the world too much

You can fly to Sydney the same day

But so can so and so or such and such

 

Package tours take you far and wide

Everywhere you go you just despair

From Niagara Falls to Chinas great wall

Ryan and Kylie have beaten you there

 

Exclusive travelling has gone forever

Cheap package tours have ruined it

We all have to go third class together

In the classless society we now inhabit

 

Once we could dine with polite company

On the finest cuisine we could imagine

Now we must dine with the hoi palloi

And burgers and chips are quite routine

 

Once we’d dine with the Cooper-Smythes

Lunching on sandwiches of cured ham

Now we dine with a toothless Geordie

And a tattooed tart from Birmingham

 

Discerning travelers took ocean liners

Long sea journeys kept away the dross

And if anyone should forget their place

The offender overboard you could toss

 

The more difficult the journey there was

Made the getting their more worth while

The more luxurious the journey there was

Meant it was done in a little more style

 

Now we must crowd into third class seats

In our hundreds on these charter flights

To various destinations both near and far

On cheap package tours for fourteen nights

 

Once when you stepped upon the shore

A native girl placed a lei over your head

Now no welcoming committee meets you all

Just flip flop clad fat blokes there instead

 

I would like to un-invent the aeroplane

Now you can fly for just a few bucks

Please don’t think that I’m just a snob

But the global village idea really sucks