A Little Bit Of Humour # 161

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 395

Saturday's child
Works hard for its living,
(So clearly not a benefit scrounger)

ARE YOU WEARING RED? # 2

Are you wearing red?
To signify the party you’re in
Well done, congratulations
You made a decision Mr Corbyn

THE MOST DEPRESSING THING ABOUT TENNIS

The most depressing thing about Tennis
Is that no matter how well I hit the ball
And how much time I spend practising,
I'm never going to be as good as the wall

MY WIFE AND I ALWAYS COMPROMISE

My wife and I always compromise
That’s the secret to being happy
Our compromise is, that I admit
I'm wrong and she agrees with me

ONE DAY A COMPUTER

One day a computer
Actually beat me at chess,
I didn’t take it well,
I was a total mess
So we had a rematch
To go tit for tat
But he was no match for me
With a baseball bat

TIMES ARE BAD AND GETTING WORSE

Times are bad and getting worse
And I’m shocked at the severity
As the light at the end of the tunnel
Has been turned off due to austerity

EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON

Everything happens for a reason,
Is the generally accepted view
Unfortunately you must admit
That sometimes the reason is you

BLACK WIDOW SPIDERS KILL THEIR MALES

Black Widow spiders kill their males
After mating, before the afterglow starts
And the reason for that is quite simple
It’s to stop the snoring before it starts

EYES BIGGER THAN MY BELLY

Eyes bigger than my belly
Especially for cake and jelly
My appetite no one could stifle
After I got an eye full of trifle

I HAD A “GRUMPY OLD MAN” MUG

I had a “grumpy old man” mug
And my grandchildren got it
But I turned into a “Grumpy old man”
When I accidentally smashed it

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 396

The child that's born on the Sabbath day
Is bonny and blithe, and good and gay
(my wife is Sundays child, so I would have to dissagree)

ARE YOU WEARING SHAMROCK?

Are you wearing shamrock?
And Patrick is patron saint, but why?
Did he drive the snakes out of Ireland?
Or did he just have a great PR guy?

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 386

Harlequin ladybird, fly away home
Your kind are not welcome here
So get your Harlequin spotted arse
Back to where you belong in Asia

ARE YOU WEARING CLAM DIGGERS?

Are you wearing clam diggers?
How very beachcomber of you
However inappropriate, given
The fact seafood makes you spew

ROSENCRANTZ AND GUILDENSTERN # 5

Rosencrantz and Guildenstern
Contrary to the rumour, are not dead
But are doing an Elizabethan tribute act
At the Edinburgh Fringe instead

A Little Bit Of Humour # 160

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 394

Friday's child
Is loving and giving,
(Especially on a Friday night when they’re pissed)

ARE YOU WEARING PINK? # 2

Are you wearing a Pink?
Oh I understand that wink
My pretty little Barbie girl
As you give me a twirl
What you’re intimating I think
Is that everything is pink
And it’s an image to bewitch
When you hint at every stitch

THE MOST PERFECT SUMMER DRINK # 2

The most perfect drink
To quench a thirst, for me
On a hot summers day
Is a perfect cup of tea

I NEED YOU TO DELETE ME FROM YOUR ADDRESS BOOK

“I need you to delete me from your address book”
My ex-girlfriend emailed me to express
I pondered for some time before I replied
“Who is this? And how did you get this address?”

MY SISTER IS A SOPHISTICATE

My sister is a sophisticate
And has travelled far away
She’s been to a Taj Mahal
That isn’t an Indian takeaway

I LOVE FRIDAY, IT’S A SPECIAL DAY

I love Friday, it’s a special day
But nothing ruins that Friday feeling
Quite as much as the realisation
That it’s still actually Thursday

MONEY TALKS IS THE SAYING

“Money talks” is the saying
I’m not quite sure why
If my money could talk
It would only ever say good-bye

THE OLD SAYING GOES

The old saying goes
“If you can't beat them, join them”
But a rethink is called for,
“If you can't beat them”,
Rather than joining them
You should “beat them”,
Because they will be expecting
You to “join them”,
As a result you will take them
Completely by surprise

WOMEN MIGHT BE ABLE TO FAKE ORGASMS

Women might be able to fake orgasms
It’s due to how Mother Nature equip
Although men aren’t born with that ability
But they can fake a whole relationship

MY SISTER SAYS THEY ARE BOTHERED BY A RACCOON

My sister says they are bothered by a Raccoon
Who boldly take things off their veranda
It’s very brazen, and is one of nature’s scroungers
Although she calls it their garbage Panda

I FLEW ON AN INFAMOUS BUDGET AIRLINE

I flew on an infamous budget airline
Who charged for every single item
Except for the bad service, that was free,
Which was very generous of them

GOD BLESSED US WITH THE BRAIN

God blessed us with the brain
To solve very complex problems
However human nature means
Using it creates more problems

I DISCOVERED WHEN WE WERE ON HOLIDAY

I discovered when we were on holiday
That my girlfriend screams the same way
Whether a shark might render her caput
Or a piece of dead seaweed touches her foot

MY GRANDMA TOLD ME HER JOINTS TROUBLE HER

My grandma told me her joints trouble her
And elaborated, saying they are getting weaker
I said I had a way to make her life brighter
If she was just to roll her spliffs a bit tighter

WHEN I TAKE THE TIME TO PONDER MY SITUATION

When I take the time to ponder my situation
I consider myself to lead a very lucky life,
Because the fine cognac that I drink is older
Than the woman I’m happy to call my wife

A Little Bit Of Humour # 159

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 393

Thursday's child
Has far to go,
(Well I hope they’re not travelling on Southern Rail)

ARE YOU WEARING PINK? # 1

Are you wearing a Pink?
And are dressed as a ballet dancer
Well, all credit to you man
Standing up to breast Cancer

I ALWAYS FIGURED THAT MICHAEL’S FAMILY TREE

I always figured that Michael’s family tree
Must have been from the cactus family
Because I’ve met the relatives of Mick
And everyone on his family tree is a prick

MONEY IS NOT THE KEY TO HAPPINESS

“Money is not the key to happiness”
That’s what they always say, but
Of course if you have enough money,
You can have your own key cut

I JUST HEARD THAT THE SEXY GIRL

I just heard that the sexy girl
From Goldfinger, Pussy Galore
Changed her name for the film
She was Fanny Aplenty before

ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE IS BEING EXPLORED

Artificial Intelligence is being explored
By science, despite its inadvisability
But then education and inquisitiveness
Are no defence against natural stupidity

AMIDST THE TERRIBLE TRAGEDY SADIQ

Amidst the terrible tragedy
Sadiq smiled, to his eternal shame
But the reason for that was
That he had found someone to blame

APRIL SHOWERS BRING

April showers bring
May flowers it seems
But then May flowers
Only bring Pilgrims

THE WI-FI STOPPED WORKING

The Wi-Fi stopped working
As the family ate their stew
And a teenager began talking
The father said “Who are you?”

IF HELEN WAS THE FACE

If Helen was the face
That launched a thousand ships
Then Paris was the dick
Who caused Troy’s apocalypse

I THINK IT’S PROBABLY A MYTH

I think it’s probably a myth
Regarding multitasking women
Like the Loch Ness Monster or
Shy retiring used car salesmen

THE MOST PERFECT SUMMER DRINK # 1

The most perfect drink
To quench a thirst, without fail
On a hot summers day
Is a cool glass of ginger ale

WHILE EAVES DROPPING IN THE VESTRY

While eaves dropping in the vestry
I heard mention of a blasphemy palaver
Or so I thought, but it turned out
That the vicar said raspberry pavlova

I AM NOT A HOUSE PROUD MAN

I am not a house proud man
By any means or measure
I find it too much of a chore
I am more a man of leisure
So for me a clean flat is
The sign of a broken computer

I USED TO BE INDECISIVE

I used to be indecisive
At least I thought so
But I am now quite sure
That I don’t actually know

I MET MY PROSPECTIVE FATHER IN LAW AT THE WEEKEND

I met my prospective father in law at the weekend
And he seemed quite normal when I saw him
So I was quite pleased until my girlfriend said
“Everyone seems normal until you get to know them”

A Little Bit Of Humour # 158

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 392

Wednesday's child
Is full of woe,
(And that’s what you get for
drinking on a school night)

ARE YOU WEARING KNICKERBOCKERS?

Are you wearing Knickerbockers?
Well listen, I don’t mean to flummox
But it looks like the Knickerbockers
Have fallen out with your socks

MY SON TOLD ME HE PLAYED IN A BAND

My son told me he played in a band
And I’m afraid I did have to mock
Because they are called the Pilgrims
So I asked if they played Plymouth Rock

I LOVE MY PETER PAN JOKE

I love my Peter Pan joke
It’s the funniest I’ve told
And I tell it over and over
And it never gets old

PETER PAN GOT HIS NAME

Peter Pan got his name
Not by design or plan
It was after he got hit
In the peter with a pan

I HAD TO BUY TROUSER SHORTS

I had to buy trouser shorts
Which were easy to find
The ones with Velcro on
The detectable leg kind
Expensive though, so the term
“Rip off” comes to mind

THERE ARE THREE THINGS FOR WHICH

There are three things for which
Witnesses are required for
Criminal acts, accidents and
Marriages, so need I say more?

I NEED TO START PAYING CLOSER ATTENTION

I need to start paying closer attention
To things, every detail of this and that
Because I found out today that my wife
And I, have different names for our cat

WHY IS IT THAT EVERYTHING I LOVE

Why is it that everything I love
Is either unhealthy, addictive
Or has taken out more than one
Restraining order against me

AS A BOY I ASKED GOD FOR A BIKE ONE DAY

As a boy I asked God for a bike one day,
But I knew God didn’t work that way
So I decided to steal a bike and then
I asked God for forgiveness instead

I'M REALLY GOOD AT DOING THINGS

I'm really good at doing things
Practical and skilful things,
Hands on artisan type things
Until I have people watching

I BOUGHT A VACUUM CLEANER SIX MONTHS AGO

I bought a vacuum cleaner six months ago
And a top of the range model was a must
But I have to say it hasn’t earned its keep as yet
As so far all it's been doing is gathering dust

IMAGINE BEING FIVE MINUTES FROM THE END

Imagine being five minutes from the end
Of the longest movie ever made and then
It starts over because it forgot something
Well that's my wife’s way of story telling

MARRIAGE IS ALL ABOUT COMPROMISE

Marriage is all about compromise
For example my wife wanted a cat
I on the other hand did not want one
So we compromised and got a cat

THE END OF THE WORLD IS NOT A JOKE

The end of the world is not a joke
In fact it’s a source of great sorrow
But people still tell end of the world
Jokes like there is no tomorrow

WHAT MAKES PHILANDERERS CHASE WOMEN

What makes philanderers chase women
They have no intention of marrying?
Clearly the same urge that makes canines
Chase cars they have no intention of driving

A Little Bit Of Humour # 157

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 391

Tuesday's child
Is full of grace,
(Well it’s not that lump of a boy next door then)

ARE YOU WEARING KNICKERS?

Are you wearing Knickers?
Sorry I can’t hide my snickers
But beggars can’t be pickers
And I expect better from Vicars

THE EASTER EGG DIDN’T CROSS THE ROAD

The Easter Egg didn’t cross the road
And the reason for that I bet
Is quite simple and can only be
Because he wasn't a chicken yet

ROSENCRANTZ AND GUILDENSTERN # 10

Rosencrantz and Guildenstern
Contrary to the rumour did not peg it
After they stole the theatre takings
They were recognised and had to leg it

THE ROYAL AND ANCIENT AND A SAINT

I know little about St Andrew
Other than a shared name
With a famous Golf course
So he must have liked a game

IT'S NOT THAT I CAN’T JUGGLE

It's not that I can’t juggle,
That’s not the struggle
It’s just that I have to admit
I don’t have the balls for it

I WAS ASKED WHO I WANTED

I was asked who I wanted
My emergency contact to be
It took me only seconds to reply
“A good doctor obviously”

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 400

Peter, Peter, pumpkin-eater,
Had a wife and couldn't keep
It was doomed from the start
As pumpkin made him fart

NOW I’M NEITHER FOR OR AGAINST BUT

Now I’m neither for or against but
Four million, three hundred and seven
People got married last year,
But shouldn't that number be even?

AS I LEFT THE STORE EMPTY HANDED

As I left the store empty handed
There was an awkward moment
When I said repeatedly to myself
“Just act natural, you're innocent”.

I WANT TO DIE PEACEFULLY IN MY SLEEP

I want to die peacefully in my sleep,
Like Dad, peacefully without a fuss
And not screaming and yelling
Like the passengers did on his bus

THE TECHNOLOGICAL AGE

The technological age of the
21st century is great, isn't it?
When deleting history has become
More important than making it.

AFTER ALMOST FIFTY YEARS OF LABOUR

After almost fifty years of labour
I have failed to get ahead even a bit
Because I started out with nothing,
And I find that I still have most of it

TWO WRONGS DON'T MAKE A RIGHT

Two wrongs don't make a right,
I tell my daughter and her brother
And if you need a good example
Just look at me and your mother

TEAM WORK IS IMPORTANT

Team work is important,
In fact its second to none
Because it makes it easier
To put the blame on someone

IT ONLY DAWNS ON YOU QUITE

It only dawns on you, quite
How un-photogenic you are
Until it’s time for a group photo
And they hand you the camera

I'M NOT SAYING THAT I HATE HIM

I'm not saying that I hate him,
But my dislike is well known
And I’d unplug his life support
In order to charge my phone

A Little Bit Of Humour # 156

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 390

Monday's child
Is fair of face,
(Well obviously if they don’t look
haggard on Monday morning it’s
because they don’t have any children)

ARE YOU WEARING BLUE?

Are you wearing blue?
So tell me, what’s your story?
Roedean and Oxbridge, I see
So you’ll be marrying a Tory

ROSENCRANTZ AND GUILDENSTERN # 9

Rosencrantz and Guildenstern
Contrary to the rumour, live on
They are based in Blackpool
Where they do summer season

THERE IS GREAT HUMOUR TO BE FOUND # 2

There is great humour to be found
Among the Brits in their abundance
But for me the funniest of them all
Have got to be those from Punzance

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 399

Little Jack Jingle,
He used to live single;
But his friends got tired
Of his happy single life
And bullied and cajoled
Until he got himself a wife

EPIPHANY IS DESCRIBED IN THE LEXICON

Epiphany is described in the lexicon
Simply as a divine manifestation
But when she disrobed before me
It was a Magnificent Divest-ion

LOVE IS ALL ABOUT SHARING

Love is all about sharing
It’s the corner stone, you see
When my wife gets the flu
She always shares it with me

I HAD TWO EXAMS TODAY

I had two Exams today, English Oral
Followed by the French equivalent one
They were both hard, the only difference
Being the additional application of tongue

CAN I HAVE A GLASS OF RICE WINE

“Can I have a glass of Rice Wine”
I said “Beer makes me bilious”
The puzzled barman replied “Sake?”
I added “No I was being serious”

I SURVIVED TESTICULAR CANCER

I survived testicular cancer, but when
I was in Asda I screamed out in terror
As all I could hear at the checkout was
“Unexpected item in the bagging area”

I KNOW THEY’RE SMILEY

I know they’re smiley
And I might well be odd
But I don’t like Dolphins
And I’m a congenial bod
It’s just because found
They were a clicky pod

MY YOUNG ACTRESS SISTER

My young actress sister
Has absolutely no shame
But in Hollywood she has
Found some level of fame
She’s now “Doing a pilot”
I didn’t ask for his name

THE PIE FACTORY EXPLODED

The pie factory exploded
And it was carnage inside
There were also casualties
As 3.14 people died

THE KOALA WAS IN SOME DISTRESS

The Koala was in some distress
In fact he was in a proper mess
As he was told he wasn’t a bear
And he didn’t think it was fair
As he was one of nature’s creations
And he had all the koalafications

I HAD TO HAVE A BLOOD TRANSFUSION ONE DAY

I had to have a blood transfusion one day
And my notes said I was blood Type A
But it was mistake which brought me low
And it was all the result of a simple Typo

I HAVE AN ADDICTIVE PERSONALITY

I have an addictive personality
I think I must have that gene
I was even addicted to soap
But thankfully I’m now clean

A Little Bit Of Humour # 155

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 389

If all the world was apple pie,
Just like it was in my dream
Then the oceans would be full
Of delicious vanilla ice cream

ARE YOU WEARING CAPRI PANTS?

Are you wearing Capri Pants?
You’d look at home on a yacht
But I can say one thing for sure
Audrey Hepburn you are not

ROSENCRANTZ AND GUILDENSTERN # 8

Rosencrantz and Guildenstern
Contrary to the rumour, are not dead
They are in the Australian jungle
Doing “I’m a Celebrity” instead

ON BURNS NIGHT

On Burns Night
One thing you must do
Is to eat the Haggis
Before it eats you

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 398

There was a little girl who had a little curl
A pretty girl with a smile to dazzle
But that wasn’t how she wanted to be
So she had a wax and vagazzle

PAUL REVERE

Obviously Paul Revere famously
Rode his horse from Boston
Because the horse was too heavy
For him to carry to Lexington

THERE WERE TWO FLAGS FLYING ON ADJACENT POLES

There were two flags flying on adjacent poles
In all weathers as wind and hail they braved
And in all the years the two flags silently flew
They never once spoke, they simply waved

I AM DEEPLY IN LOVE AND JOYOUSLY HAPPY

I am deeply in love and joyously happy
In our rewarding, loving Relationship
In fact I am walking on air in my joy
And get a natural high from our elationship

I WENT FOR HEALTH AND SAFETY TRAINING

I went for Health and Safety training
On the safe and proper use of a ladder
And when the instructor began with
“Step one” I couldn’t have been gladder

OLD CLASSIC SONGSMITHS CROON

Old classic songsmiths croon
Their sweet romantic tune
Of the lovers sweet embrace
Beneath a silent silvery moon

WHEN I FIRST SAW THE BLUE PLANET

When I first saw the Blue Planet
Being advertised on widely on TV
I have to confess that nature wasn’t
The first thought that came to me

COUPLES ON THE DANCE FLOOR

Couples on the dance floor
In the heat of their oscillation
Can very easily find themselves
In an agreeable osculation

SADIQ KHAN, PHOTO OP BOY

For little Sadiq, appearing big
Is the name of the game
So if its bad news, photo op boy
Is on scene to apportion blame,
If it’s good he’s there, so that
All the praise is his to claim

MY FATHER IN LAW IS FULL OF IT

My father in law is full of shit
And I say that without hesitation
He would disagree obviously
As he would call it constipation

I HAVE COME TO THE CONCLUSION

I have come to the conclusion
That atoms are conniving
Deceitful and untrustworthy
Because they make up everything

IN HIS ADVENTURE’S

In his adventure’s against
Captain Hooks pirate band
Peter Pan always flies
Because he can Neverland