SENIOR HUMOUR

DEFYING GRAVITY # 1

With such widespread use of breast implants
There will surely come a time in the next 50 years
When there will be a large octogenarian population
Of confused and befuddled perky breasted grandmas

DEFYING GRAVITY # 2

With so many treatments for erectile dysfunction
In future there will be a large octogenarian population
Of grandpas with erections to answer grandmas prayers
Who can’t even remember why they went upstairs

DEAD CERTAIN

A senior couple were lying in bed one morning. Just as a new day was dawning
Having had the most perfect nights sleep
Long, restful, undisturbed and deep

The old gentleman turned to his wife and asked
“Would you like a cup of tea?”
She lay perfectly still in the same position
“NO! Of course I don’t want a cup of tea”

Surprised by her vehemence he asked “Why not?”She answered, “Because I'm dead” “What are you talking about? Of course you’re not
What put such a thought in your head?”

“It’s no good you arguing with me about it
I have no doubt at all. I am definitely dead,
And that’s it and all about it, because
I woke up this morning and nothing hurts” she said

SENIOR COLUMN

I wake up in the morning
But don’t get out of bed
Until I’ve read the obit’s
And made sure that I’m not dead

SENIOR WEEK

Since I’ve been retired
Everyday is a fun day
My week now consists
Os six Saturdays and a Sunday



SENIOR FORCAST

Since I’ve been retired
I’ve noticed that my hips
Are more accurate forecasters
Than those met office twits

A SHADOW OF YOUR FORMER SELF

In your younger days
Your figure was quite svelte
You were trim and fit
And you didn’t need a belt

You were dapper and neat
And sartorially proud
Now your clothes are garish
And horribly loud

In your untailored attire
You lack any kind of taste
And all of your trousers
Have an elasticated waist

Your health is not the best
You have a dicky heart
Your digestion is quite iffy
And you’re prone to fart

I look back to the past
And the feelings I felt
When your manly cologne
Was the only thing I smelt

Now that you're mature
And your skin no longer fits
For some unknown reason
I still love you to bits

THANK GOD THAT’S OVER

I'm so glad I am leaving
It’s not before time
It’s like release from prison
After committing no crime

It’s a cause for celebration
Bring on the dancing girls
Crack open a bottle
Let’s get the flags unfurled

I’ve worked too many years
For Scrooge like employers
Today is a joyful occasion
It’s the greatest of pleasures

I'm so glad I am leaving
It’s all I have desired
Thank God the day has come
I’m so glad I’ve retired

YOUNG LOVERS # 1

Your breasts small and pert,
Nipples deep pink and alert
Loins young and tender
Supple flesh in youthful splendour

My athletic muscular form
And endless stamina to perform
My jack in the box like phallus
What has now become of us?

BLONDE HUMOUR

STAY, STAY, STAY

Conscious of the danger to an animal
Being left inside a parked car
A woman opened the car window
So her puppy could get some air
But the little pup saw the open window
As a route to escape the car
And the woman had to stop
Before she had got very far
She stood and pointed at the dog
Firmly saying stay, stay, stay
A woman of the blonde persuasion
Was watching her from some distance away
But she had to keep repeating it
Until she felt it safe to go
The blonde woman shouted to her
“You can use the hand brake you know”

DOWN BY THE RIVERSIDE

Bimbette was out for a stroll by the river
And was enjoying the walk in the countryside
When she saw Peaches on the opposite bank
“Hi Peachy how do I get to the other side?”
Peaches looked at her with a puzzled expression
“You’re already there silly” she replied

TRANSPORT HUMOUR

OUT OF SERVICE

There was a ship rotting in a naval dock
I asked a man if he knew its history
He said it was a Minesweeper once
I didn’t press him but it seemed to me
For a ship to be a Minesweeper once
Was not really a unique ability

ROAD HOGS

Some drivers are so selfish
And some are arrogant with it
It seems that when they buy a car
They think the road comes with it

A WING AND A PRAYER

If the wings travel faster than the fuselage,
And you are in a helicopter, that’s ok
However if you are in any other aircraft
It’s probably a very good time to pray

ROAD RAGE # 2

I hate driving
I hate what it does to me
I strive to be better
And behave courteously

But the second
The car door slams
I feel myself change
Into a different man

I lose my communication skills
Speaking in gestures
Or coded messages on the horn
That don’t relieve the pressure

Driving makes me intolerant
Impatient and aggressive
It makes me angry
Selfish and abusive

I hate driving
I hate what it does to me
It fills me with rage
For every thing I see

SPORTING HUMOUR

HUNTIN’ SHOOTIN’ AND TIPPIN’

There was a craze not long ago
A kind of country pursuit
A sport known as cow tipping
Perpetrated by callow youth

Now due to the recession
There is a new craze to report
A rural epidemic, fly tipping
It’s popular but not much of a sport

SCUBA TECHNIQUE

Have you ever wondered why it is?
When sitting on the edge of the boat
Scuba divers always fall backwards
When entering the water, well take note
It’s because if they were to fall forwards
They would go face first into the boat

BRITISH BULLDOG

Diego Maradonna
He of the infamous
Hand of God
Has been savaged
By his new pet
The hound of God

PUNNING

FRANKLY MY DEAR

What would a fish say?
If it swam into a concrete wall?
Well it would probably say “dam”
If it said anything at all

BAGGAGE REGULATIONS

A vulture boarded
A jumbo jet
Carrying two dead
Marmoset

The stewardess said
"I'm sorry sir,
Only one carrion Per passenger"

DAVY JONES DISCO

If you go to a seafood disco
For a tango and a tussle
Don’t complain about bad luck
If you only pull a muscle

RAMBLING

I met a guy from the ramblers today
I think his name was John
He was a harmless bloke I suppose
But he just went on and on
TODAY I SAW TWO BANKERS

Today I saw two bankers
Two pin stripe suited wankers
I watched from where I was sitting
As they walked into a building
However what’s puzzling me a bit
Is why didn’t one of the see it

DOPEY BROTHER

My brother has a really bad habit
He smokes pot to excess you see
When he needs more from his dealer
He picks up the phone and hits the hash key

LUVVAGE

My pencil case is in love
But not with a pencil
But with two schoolbags
It must be bi-satchel.

HEALTHY HUMOUR

A HEALTHY LIFESTYLE

A balanced diet
Is what is planned
Which invariably
Means I understand
Something healthy
Something bland

A healthy lifestyle
Is what is planned
So a balanced diet
If I might expand
Does not involve
A pie in each hand
THE BUDDHIST AT THE DENTIST

The Buddhist monk
Following dental examination
Refused an injection
For his required dental extrication
Instead he chose to
Transcend dental medication
DOCTOR IN MOTION

“Doctor I have chronic diarrhoea
And I think it’s hereditary”
“Nonsense man I can assure you
Diarrhoea is not hereditary,
And no matter how chronic it is
It’s not as bad as it seems”
“But doctor I know it’s hereditary
Because it’s in my jeans”

WHAT CAN I EAT?

I don’t want Swine flu
So no more pork for me
I don’t want Bird flu
So no chicken fricassee
I don’t want mad cow disease
So no more Beef for me
I don’t want Salmonella
So no dippy eggs for tea
With mercury in the water
I will no longer eat fish
There is pollution in the air
So I’ll eat no bird related dish
I cannot eat any type of fruit
Because of insecticides
And all vegetables are out
Because of the herbicides
So I am at a loss now
To know what I can eat
There is of course chocolate
But then what would be my treat?

PHILOSOPHICAL HUMOUR

WHERE DO YOU STAND?

Just standing in a palace doesn’t make you a Tsar
Any more than standing in a garage makes you a car
It doesn’t make you a cook if you stand in a kitchen
So just going to church doesn't make you a Christian

PHILOSOPHICAL FACT

Everyone is entitles to their own opinion
I have no argument with that
But I would very strongly make the point
They cannot have their own facts

PHYSICS QUESTIONS

Physicists pose important questions
Beneath the Swiss mountain slopes
With their large Hadron collider
And when for the answers they grope
Is the tool that measures their success
Going to be called a collider scope?

CLEAN SWEEP

A clean desk is the sign
Of a sick mind
A clean house is the sign
Of a wasted life
A clean mind is….
Just unnatural